When showing our love, hugs and kisses are perfect, but they’re not very funny. Much farther down on the list of ways to express adoration, you’ll find the roast—where praise is cloaked by jokes and insults, with a few sincere words at the end. The game plan today calls for roasting our beloved Green Bay Packers as they continue their quest to win a fifth Lombardi Trophy.
So, let’s kid because we care, and tear these guys new ones based on their headshots from the 1991 Nintendo classic Tecmo Super Bowl. |
| Ron Hallstrom- Right Guard Never leave this man alone with your wife. |
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| Tim Harris- Outside Linebacker This is the same winning smile he flashes in that dealership commercial where he goes, "Ford trucks have been known to SACK the competition!" |
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| Tony Mandarich- Right Tackle Fun fact: Steroid abuse can slowly turn a man into Hannibal Lecter. |
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| Brian Noble- Inside Linebacker "I eat rookie punks for breakfast. Are you a rookie punk?" |
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| Herman Fontenot- Running Back Can you send this man Will Smith's number? Herman's hoping to land a part on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air as Will's backup running back. |
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| Don Majkowski- Quarterback Is he transforming his smile into a wee telephone? My God, he really is a magician. |
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| Anthony Dilweg- Backup Quarterback "Tonight's top story: Despite my dashing good looks, I can't overtake Don Majkowski on the depth chart. However, I've got my eyes set on his girlfriend. More on this story as it develops." |
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| Ed West- Tight End He keeps a chipper disposition despite constantly being told he reported to camp 30 pounds overweight. Good for him. |
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| Mark Murphy- Strong Safety He looks like Powder and Todd Barry had a threesome with Mona Lisa's smile. You might remember him as the sad sack from Guess Who? |
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| Alan Veingrad- Left Tackle When Ron Hallstrom asks to be alone with your wife, and Alan Veingrad tries to calm your nerves by saying not to worry, he'll be with her too, be warned: It's a dirty trick! |
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| Matt Brock- Defensive End Polite, affable, well-groomed, all-around nice guy. Just tap him on the shoulder and let him know if you ever want to sit down and gab about Jesus. |
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| Sterling Sharpe- Wide Receiver That five-head above his brow is due to gigantism. He got it by chugging bottles of a Brain & Nerve Tonic given to him by a mean old man who owns a nuclear power plant. |
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| Don Bracken- Punter You might have seen him as a bumpkin on The Andy Griffith Show, but get this: He could also croon with the voice of an angel. |
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| Rich Moran- Left Guard He played Steven Seagal's sparring partner at the dojo, who barely utters a full sentence before getting slain by the Yakuza in the unreleased action flick Sensei Limbsnapper. Rich still considers that the highlight of his life. |
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| Bob Nelson- Defensive Tackle Hey, it's the lost Pep Boy! |
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| Jeff Query- Wide Receiver Zoom out and we could see he's wearing a Packers jersey, right? Wrong! Def Leppard Pyromania tank-top. Below that, tights? Nope! Turquoise jorts, and he stuffs his crotch with tube socks. Hey! Only kidding, Jeff. Folks, let's give him a hand for being a good sport. Gadzooks, that was fun. But in all seriousness, Go Pack Go. Oh, and Aaron "AaRo" Rodgers, if you enjoyed some of those stunningly obscure references, and you still need a wingman, let me know. Then we'll discuss the terms of my contract. |
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