I've been meaning to see this movie for about 24 years, but I guess life got in the way. Life got in the way of watching Space Jam, but no longer. Take that, bucket list.
A little backstory: One of my summer treats as a ’90s kid was watching the NBA playoffs and the Finals. Some of my favorite players were Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Penny Hardaway, and Shawn Kemp. These stellar athletes combined for 38 All-Star nods--and zero championships. The main reason why these men never got to hold that trophy was that at some point in the postseason they were bested by Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls. Whether in the East or West, I wanted the underdogs to knock MJ off his throne. It never happened that way. The Bulls were unstoppable. During their reign of two three-peats in eight years, I was let down by the outcome all six freaking times.
In quarantine, with a gaping hole in my heart that longed for sports, I’ve cherished all 10 episodes of the Bulls documentary on ESPN. The Last Dance has reminded me of MJ’s greatness. I’m no longer a kid who feels wounded by the legend’s hard-fought triumphs.
So as I first watch Space Jam at 37, during one of the strangest and most tumultuous times in American history, this is uncharted territory for me to root for Air Jordan in a big game. The Monstars better not ruin this for me.
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In the opening scene, kid Michael Jordan is shooting hoops at night until his father kindly tells him it's past his bedtime. Slight cringes as R Kelly sings "I Believe I Can Fly." Oh man, you gotta do a lot of awful shit to make "I Believe I Can Fly" cringe-inducing. I don’t think any of the Tiny Toons are in this movie, and that turned out to be a wise choice by the studio. Babs Bunny and Fifi La Fume were spared from this project.
I'm stunned by the early death of Yosemite Sam, killed in cold blood by an alien with a ray gun. He was brave in his moment of evisceration.
Update: Yosemite Sam is alive, his molecular structure back intact, doing his thing in the background.
The player with a name most like one of the Looney Toons is Mugsy Bogues. I hope they paid him double.
I'm pretty sure Bugs Bunny is pansexual. Really, Bugs is an icon of alternative sexuality. Cartoon, human, Michael Jordan--doesn't matter. He'll kiss anyone with joy and no regrets. Maybe he could settle down with Lola Bunny--I see how hearts pop out of his eyeballs when he flirts with her--but they'd need to have an open relationship. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself forecasting their future as lovers. Bugs will need to refrain from calling Lola “doll,” and understand the reasons why she finds this term demeaning, before so much as a romantic fling can develop. If that does transpire, we can take solace knowing how much bunnies love doin’ it.
With our cast of heroic misfits still in the gym practicing, kids should take note: Spitting on the gym floor a bunch of times is hilarious.
In a shocking development that's making me wonder what kind of a God would let this happen, Foghorn Leghorn has been fatally incinerated.
Update: Wait! He's OK. I just saw him walking off the court, good as new.
2020 parallels: When stars like Barkley and Ewing get their talent stolen by aliens, other players get fearful and resort to wearing protective masks to manage the threat. Unable to promise their safety, the commissioner shuts down the NBA indefinitely. Note to self: Pull conspiracy theory out of ass that Coronavirus= Space Jam and upload it to YouTube to somehow make Trumpers fightin' mad.
I'm not crazy about starting Daffy Duck at power forward. Look, he's clearly not that powerful.
Kids again: Shooting double-barrel shotguns in a crowd and smashing friends with mallets is also super funny.
The Monstars screwed up their roster by taking Shawn Bradley's talent when they already had Patrick Ewing at center. The villains already had a rim-protector, and Ewing outscored Bradley by a margin of 21 points per game to 8.1 PPG in their careers. The Monstars should have picked Reggie Miller to have a Hall of Fame shooting guard to match up with MJ. Time will tell if that roster choice will come back to haunt them... This is not a joke.
Nobody in NBA history fouled opponents with the viciousness of Detroit Pistons Bad Boy Bill Laimbeer. Nicknamed “His Heinous,” if Bill Laimbeer was on the Monstars, he'd be a true antagonist. He’d find a way to 100% murder Bugs Bunny, probably with a switchblade he kept hidden in his sock, thus sending kids home from theatres in tears of despair while destroying a billion-dollar franchise--all to the delighted, evil cackles of Bill “Prince of Darkness” Laimbeer.
Oof, they play "I Believe I Can Fly" twice! Are kids still allowed to watch this movie? Have the courts intervened? They need to rerelease the film with Cee Lo Green or Miley Cyrus covering the damn song. Why doesn't anyone listen to me?
Happy ending. You know what, Monstars? If you’re gonna leave a fearless sharpshooter like Reggie Miller off the team in favor of an unnecessary center, then you deserve to lose, and I hope it hurts.
Dated cartoon characters and a McDonald's spokesman with a pearly smile can never be defeated. In the director’s cut, Michael Jordan draws the defense but kicks it out to a wide open Porky Pig (who we all believed was dead) to swish home the buzzer beater.
"Don't ever trust an Earthling." --Bill Murray
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