JANESVILLE, WI—News anchor Bill Jartz surprised partygoers at Jim and Barb Schmitz’s home on Sunday. Clad in jorts and toting a box of Jarts, Jartz stunned a group of locals in the backyard by proclaiming, “Happy Labor Day!”
Though he was not invited, the hosts hurried to make the statewide celeb feel welcome. Mr. Schmitz put a fresh patty on the grill and Mrs. Schmitz gave Jartz a Schlitz. Their new guest cupped his hands to his mouth to project his voice.
“It is I, Bill Jartz, Action 2 News! I have come here in jorts to play Jarts. And this is only the beginning!”
Those in attendance puzzled over these remarks as Jartz joined the jamboree, swatting men on the back, vigorously hugging women, and tussling the hair of frightened children. (Thankfully, one boy, Braden, summoned the courage to draw a picture of Jartz--from a safe distance--as a record of the scene.)
Bags toss, not Jarts, was the game of choice for four Schmitz family friends. Jartz boldly moved the two platforms in play to make way for his Jarts targets. Bags toss enthusiast Jane Bartelt reflected on the incident.
“It was kinda neat to meet a TV weatherman or whatever he is, but I’d never played Jarts before. Jartz did explain the rules of Jarts to everybody twice, but his words got all jumbled, and he kept calling me Jezebel.”
Jane’s husband Bret said that he too had his nerves jangled by Jartz.
“I call the game we like Cornhole. So I told Jartz, ‘We might try Jarts later, but for now, just play Cornhole with us.’ Well, he got in my face and shook his finger at me. ‘You watch that potty talk around the ladies, sailor boy!’ he screamed. ‘Don’t you go offending the honor of sweet Jezebel.’ It was just... jarring. We jumped for joy when he left to shake down Mrs. Schmitz for more Schlitz.”
Seven beers, three cheeseburgers, and one hour later, folks were taken aback when Jartz took out a pair of scissors and insisted that Jim “Stand still!” Jartz began to shear his blue jeans into jorts.
“I felt violated,” Mr. Schmitz said. “He’s gone now, right?”
After jorts-ing Jim’s jeans, Jartz made another speech, this time to announce his plans to “take this shindig on the road” and crash a party every Labor Day in a different Wisconsin city, “Everywhere from Fond du Lac to—I don’t know... North Fond du Lac.”
The steel-jawed broadcaster went on to state he “just got the idea” to found a charity for kids who have been injured in Jarts-related mishaps called “Jartz & Minds.” It's a Make-a-Wish-like endeavor. Jartz promised to play Jarts in jorts with kids who have been injured in Jarts-related mishaps, as long as “the weather was nice enough for jorts.”
On his way back to his jeep, brushing off pleas to call an Uber, Jartz produced a sharpie and autographed the wing of a Jart for one “lucky girl” named Jenny. Jartz, his jorts and all but one of his Jarts in tow, peeled out and snaked through traffic moments later. When reached for comment, the seven-year-old frowned at the Jart in her hands.
“Is this evidence for the police?” she wondered.
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