So It's Come to This: Honorable Mentions

I had a birthday recently, and my best friend gave me the most fantastic present. It's a Nintendo mini that includes every game in the NES library. Every game has four save slots, making it a lot more possible for a B- level gamer like me to conquer Nintendo-hard classics like Ninja Gaiden and Adventure Island. Dudes, the Castlevania trilogy--wow, this is euphoric. A few days ago I beat the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Now I know this triumph, which had eluded me since 1989, and I'm putting it on my goddamn resume. 

I mention this because at my birthday party, my best friend heard about the top 40 lists I had made to neurotically honor the occasion. He read the preface, noted the exclusion of Honorable Mentions, and said, "No, I disagree. I think you should include Honorable Mentions." 

Which would totally ruin the number structure of the lists to commemorate 40 years of Nick Olig life. 

But again, this gift was outstanding. Like, later today, if I'm feeling cute, I'm gonna fire up Double Dragon II, and at long last get past those damn vanishing platforms on Mission 6--even if it takes 50 tries--and I owe that to my best friend. Was he just being contrarian because he knows he can get away with it? Maybe, but it doesn't matter. If my best friend is clamoring for some Honorable Mentions, taking into account the ultimate birthday present, knowing that we both know none of this matters, then so be it. I'm lifting up the velvet rope and allowing HMs into the club. 

So, in this entirely different entry which must always be kept separate from the official top 40 lists (keeping in mind that none of this matters), here are some Honorable Mentions of bands, movies, books, and video games. 

Bands/ Singers

Deftones, Vampire Weekend, A Tribe Called Quest, Daft Punk, Beach Boys, Elliott Smith, Green Day (before that awful song "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"), Weezer (95% blue and Pinkerton, cliched but true), My Morning Jacket, John Prine, Hum, Pixies (it took so long for me to get into them but they're great and they influenced some of my favorite bands). 

Movies

A Beautiful Mind, Matchstick Men, Stranger Than Fiction, Tommy Boy, La Bamba, Spaceballs, American Hustle; Everything, Everywhere, All at Once; The Life Aquatic, Nope, The Menu, As Good As It Gets (hot take: Nicolas Cage in Matchstick Men portrays someone suffering from OCD more expertly than Jack Nicholson in As Good AIG.) 

Books

Haunted: Tales of the Grotesque by Joyce Carol Oates, Beastie Boys Book by Diamond and Horovitz, The Beatles: The Biography by Bob Spitz, Born Standing Up by Steve Martin, Born on the Fourth of July by Ron Kovic, Ordinary People by Judith Guest, A River Runs Through It by Norman Maclean, The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test by Tom Wolfe (his writing style is cringey but the story he tells is a fascinating piece of drugged-out history), 'Salem's Lot by Stephen King, Hell's Angels by Hunter S Thompson (Hunter was such a charmer and a virtuoso that he made me love a book about motorcycles and biker gangs, stuff I'm not into at all--that's what a great writer can do--I love that man), Hocus Pocus by Kurt Vonnegut, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams 

Video Games

Mariokart: Double Dash- Nintendo Gamecube, Tiger Woods Golf '04- XBox (Shoutout to my college roommate Pat, who usually beat me in this one, I miss your musk--haha), God of War- Playstation 2 (I'm a retro fucking weirdo but basically any God of War game is great, the combat is like a beautiful, brutal ballet), TMNT1- Nintendo, Duck Tales- NES, Mortal Kombat II- Super Nintendo, Tecmo Super Bowl III: Final Edition- SNES, Contra III: Alien Wars- SNES, WCW/ NWO Revenge- Nintendo 64, NFL Blitz-N64. 

More of a Rambling Man than a Simple Man

 I turned 40 and time hit me like a jolt on a roller coaster. It's exciting, in a way. And it makes me wanna throw up. My mind is insisting I can put it into words, but then it feels like describing a dream with pinpoint accuracy, hooked up to a lie detector and sweating bullets. It's absurd, like asking a cloud to kindly get inside this balloon I got. 

But what I am capable of at the moment is rambling. I'm 40 and I'm a man, a rambling man who rambles on to compete in this year's Royal Ramble. Where I'm gonna throw 29 other ramblers over the top rope. 

See, that was a ramble. 

***

Of all the outlooks one could have on life, I think the one that irritates me most is when someone says, "Nobody is happy." It's such a weak-ass give-up move. Which is not to say that I am living proof of happiness right now--I'm not--but I personally have known pure happiness as both a child and adult. In adulthood, it's been fleeting, yeah, and taking care of myself has been so hard that it's been very hard to sustain relationships because I also try to take care of someone else, and that's just been borderline impossible for me for the most part... But I have enjoyed pure happiness in the last five years. It lasted about five months, but hey, I'll take it. So when it comes to waving that sad little white flag and fucking tapping out and going, "Welp, no one is happy, so this is fine," fuck that. You don't get to put guaranteed misery on me. That's on you Brah. 

Why do we shut our brains off to the tangible science of what is happening to our planet? Like, it makes someone a hippie or they're somehow delusional or melodramatic to be concerned about what people much smarter than the average human are calling a "climate crisis" or "existential threat"? Melting ice caps is a thing. Not a made-up thing, a thing. We need cleaner energy for fuck's sake. Big Oil sucks. Diesel is stupid. The sun and wind are awesome, undervalued because of corporate greed. To have a chance of minimizing the damage, long term, for real. This is a bad habit of humans polluting their home planet without really addressing the consequences. There are consequences. And that's why we shield our eyes from science sometimes. The damage humanity has compiled is so grim. 

Memes are overrated. People identify as funny or thoughtful by showing what someone else created. I have indeed meme'd, but it's a lot more rewarding to post my own attempts at jokes and insight. I'd rather fail with my own words than see that a meme I found is doing well in the likes category. Memes are the cheapest form of art. At best, they're pennies, compared to a great film, book, record, show, painting, etc. Real art is worth a solid dollar compared to cheap-ass penny memes.

Y'all say "literally" too much. It's the most overused word on the planet. Almost everything that happens happens in a literal sense. There is no need to clarify. I know I might sound like a pretentious grammar snob on the spectrum here, but it's true. I saw a reel about cute dogs with the preface "You will literally die when you see these adorable dogs." That's poor, misleading language. You will figuratively die when you see adorable dogs. A literal death means viewing cute dogs will stop your heart from beating. Next stop, the morgue. For more about "literally" making me cringe, read the next paragraph. 

"I literally went to the Kwik Trip. I was so low on gas, literally on "E." I filled up the tank until it was literally full. But then guess who I saw? It was literally my high school science teacher. My head literally exploded. I said to him, 'I haven't seen you in literally 10 years!'" If you remove a certain shitty adverb from that story, get this: It gets the exact same point across. And it's more concise and less annoying. Grrr. 

^I feel like if I was more outspoken about certain things that bug me, people would like me less. I'd be lonelier, more alienated. And I already feel that way too much for comfort. So I keep a lot of it to myself, except when I write. Then I have the freedom to gripe. Ironically, I am alone when I write. And I like it that way. 

^Being alone helps me enjoy silence. This world gets so noisy I can barely think or do basic things. Ever since I was a kid, when I heard a motorcycle drive through the neighborhood, my instinctive thought is pleading Please shut up! I've always been sensitive to obnoxious noises that disrupt the beautiful quiet we can experience. 

At the same time, I love music. And if it's really loud, well, that's not necessarily a deal-breaker. To hell with motorcycles though. I've never been a cool guy because I can't stand them. No regrets there. 

I don't want to be alone, but it keeps happening. Somehow I'm just bad at sustaining long-term relationships with women. It's been an ongoing pain and emptiness that I've struggled with for most of my adult life. I've failed with women so many times that it's hard to stay hopeful and keep trying. I had one woman in my life that I wanted to see, hear, smell, and touch everyday for as long as I lived. She dumped me after like 7 months. That was almost 4 years ago. Memories of regret still haunt me. I could have done more. I could have communicated better, been more assertive. I don't know if I'll ever feel so much emotion for anyone else. Still, the worst narrative my life could have played out would be if I never met her. I don't believe in the Eternal Sunshine solution. I would come home from work, see her curled up on the couch at midnight. I'd wake her up gently and say, "Hey, beautiful." And she'd be in an adorable fog and reply, "Hey, handsome." We'd tell each other about our days, then we'd go to bed. Every day was good for me when we had that together. Every problem was fine. Living with depression and anxiety was fine. "Hey, beautiful," "Hey, handsome" made it all OK. 

I know I can be confident and charismatic, even a good leader. I think I'll get one or two more real opportunities, and I'll just have to step up. Getting out of a long slump is something one needs to work on every day. There are no shortcuts. There is no magic aside from love, and love can be heartbreaking. 

If you read "Dreams about Dad," I got the perfect ending with Bill... At the same time, it's sad to realize that that means I never have to dream about him again. Best case scenario, I'll see him in the afterlife and give him a hug. Eventually we'll stop crying and get caught up on the Packers. "I know, Rodgers got to be such a diva. Great player, but full of drama. Just like Favre. Is Bart Starr up here? He seems cool." Worst case scenario is a blank screen, and I have no consciousness to be aware of it. How boring is that? I like the imagination of believing in God and Heaven, even though it's downright silly. 

Top 40 Lists

As I count down to 40, I don't want to dwell on the downside, but once in a while the passing of time gives me the blues. This winter, I’ve had to rally the troops. And by troops, I mean the endorphins in my brain. Those brave endorphin boys have been battling their hearts out while I wrap my head around being on this planet for almost four decades. Wowza. 

I have fun with it though. I can laugh at myself. It's just hard to find that right balance of comedy and drama in this life, ya know?

I look like a werewolf did it with a skeleton. I'm finding gray hairs in places that are terrifying. If this were the Middle Ages, I'd be dead by now. I'm so old I remember Atari and Anthony Michael freaking Hall. I mean, what the hell? It feels good to laugh about it.

Another way that I rallied the troops was by making these lists. It's kinda weird, but I enjoy messing around in a notebook, focusing on a list. My brain feels like it's just chilling on a nice round of Tetris or a word or puzzle game. The only downside to nerding out on a list is that I'm not using that time to work on stories/ actually get real shit done, in a literal sense, in the real world.

But like I said, I don't want to dwell on the downside.

So, fixating on these lists was a big win for my OCD. For God's sake, I scrutinized the exact order of a bunch of shit that doesn't really matter. But I know where to draw the line, and that's at Honorable Mentions. Picture me as a no-nonsense bouncer wagging my finger to Honorable Mentions tryna enter the club... Alright, that was fun.

Nick's OCD checking out these lists. 

Whoever reads this, I hope you get at least one recommendation that makes your life very slightly more worthwhile. (I mean, a lot more enjoyable would be nice but we gotta manage our expectations.) Best case scenario, my opinion has a positive impact. Which is another way of saying someone gives a shit.

In doing this project, I realized I want to read more books by women and watch more movies by black directors and, you know, grow as a human being and support the art made by people that are different from me. Don't get me wrong, I stand by my ridiculous lists 1,000%, but Holy White Dudes. Just, white dudes, everywhere. Many of them ranging in age from old to dead. The Babe Ruth New York Yankees of history.

It clicked that I have more to learn from women and people of color and so on. I think it's only gonna take a half-century for me to show those signs of growth. Fingers crossed, anyway.

These are the top 40s of my favorite bands, movies, books, and video games. Don't ask for Honorable Mentions cuz they've been bounced.

With a love that will echo through the ages,*

Nick

Bands/ Singers

40.) Foo Fighters

39.) Blur

38.) Outkast

37.) Prince

36.) Queen

35.) Black Sabbath

34.) Tame Impala

33.) Smashing Pumpkins

32.) Talking Heads

31.) Creedence Clearwater Revival 

30.) Neil Young 

29.) Bjork 

28.) Sheryl Crow

27.) Van Halen

26.) The Replacements

25.) Jawbreaker

24.) Rage Against the Machine

23.) Queens of the Stone Age

22.) Modest Mouse

21.) Johnny Cash

20.) Bob Dylan

19.) Mac Miller

18.) The Rolling Stones

17.) The Ramones

16.) Pearl Jam

15.) Pink Floyd

14.) The Strokes

13.) Cake

12.) The Clash

11.) The White Stripes

10.) Fiona Apple

9.) Spoon

8.) Jimi Hendrix

7.) Beastie Boys

6.) Nirvana 

5.) Led Zeppelin

4.) David Bowie

3.) Beck

2.) Radiohead

1.) The Beatles

Movies

40.) Silver Linings Playbook

39.) The Wrestler

38.) Stand by Me

37.) Aliens

36.) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

35.) Superbad

34.) Borat

33.) Scent of a Woman

32.) Austin Powers

31.) The Sixth Sense

30.) Terminator 2

29.) Office Space

28.) The Dark Knight

27.) The Prestige

26.) Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

25.) Best in Show

24.) This Is Spinal Tap

23.) Night of the Hunter

22.) Shaun of the Dead

21.) Dumb and Dumber

20.) Naked Gun

19.) No Country for Old Men

18.) Die Hard

17.) Toy Story

16.) The Empire Strikes Back

15.) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

14.) Fargo

13.) Kill Bill

12.) The Truman Show

11.) The Shining

10.) Napoleon Dynamite

9.) The Shawshank Redemption

8.) Jaws

7.) Alien

6.) Pulp Fiction

5.) Goodfellas 

4.) The Royal Tenenbaums

3.) The Big Lebowski

2.) The Godfather

1.) The Godfather part 2

Books

40.) Dream Team: Michael, Magic, Larry...- Jack McCallum

39.) The Universe in a Nutshell- Stephen Hawking

38.) When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?- George Carlin

37.) The Road- Cormac McCarthy

36.) Life- Keith Richards

35.) The Sirens of Titan- Kurt Vonnegut

34.) Siddhartha- Herman Hesse

33.) Black Dogs- Ian McEwan

32.) Eating the Dinosaur- Chuck Klosterman

31.) The Hunger Games- Suzanna Collins

30.) Of Mice and Men- John Steinbeck

29.) Catch 22- Joseph Heller

28.) Cat’s Cradle- KV

27.) Moneyball- Michael Lewis

26.) Me Talk Pretty One Day- David Sedaris

25.) The Godfather- Mario Puzo

24.) One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest- Ken Kesey

23.) Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail ‘72- Hunter S Thompson

22.) A Song of Ice and Fire: Game of Thrones- George RR Martin

21.) Based on a True Story- Norm MacDonald

20.) Animal Farm- George Orwell

19.) In Cold Blood- Truman Capote

18.) Winesburg, Ohio- Sherwood Anderson

17.) The Martian- Adam Weir

16.) Life of Pi- Yann Martel

15.) The Green Mile- Stephen King

14.) To Kill a Mockingbird- Harper Lee

13.) Lamb, the Gospel According to Biff- Christopher Moore

12.) The Giver- Lois Lowry

11.) The Catcher in the Rye- JDS 

10.) Omnibus- Roald Dahl

9.) Cathedral- Raymond Carver

8.) Different Seasons- Stephen King

7.) Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs- Chuck Klosterman

6.) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas- Hunter S Thompson

5.) Nine Stories- JD Salinger

4.) The Great Gatspy- F Scott Fitzgerald

3.) Slaughterhouse 5- KV

2.) Mother Night- Kurt Vonnegut

1.) East of Eden- John  Steinbeck

Video Games

(Oh no, he's writing again.)

Getting back to the matter of growth, I'm a sucker when it comes to the nostalgia of video games. I'm just an old soul with an old school Nintendo. The question is, is nostalgia compatible with growth? And well, I think a little bit of admiration-for-the past is OK, but it's more important to take a leap of faith into uncharted adventures. My note to self goes like this: play some newer shit for the top 50. I realize that games in 2023 are skull-crushingly awesome, it's just that I could legit play these 40 games forever.

40.) Castlevania- Nintendo

39.) NBA Live '95- Super Nintendo

38.) Perfect Dark- Nintendo 64

37.) X-Men Legends II: Rise of Apocalypse- Playstation 2

36.) Return of the Jedi- SNES

35.) Super Smash Bros- N64

34.) Overwatch- Playstation 4

33.) TMNT Arcade Game- Nintendo

32.) Castlevania IV- SNES

31.) Earthbound- SNES

30.) Super Metroid- SNES

29.) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time- SNES

28.) Legend of Zelda- NES

27.) Castlevania: Symphony of the Night- Playstation

26.) Silent Hill- PS1

25.) Super Punchout- SNES

24.) Street Fighter II Turbo- SNES

23.) Metal Gear Solid: Sons of Liberty- PS2

22.) Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time- N64

21.) Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past- SNES

20.) Resident Evil- PS1

19.) Grand Theft Auto: Vice City- PS2

18.) Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest- SNES

17.) Starfox 64- N64

16.) Goldeneye 007- N64

15.) Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3- PS2

14.) Super Mario All Stars- SNES

13.) Madden ‘10- PS2

12.) Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball- SNES

11.) X-Men 2: The Clone Wars- Sega

10.) Resident Evil 2- PS1

9.) Super Mario World- SNES

8.) Mariokart 64- N64

7.) Zombies Ate My Neighbors- SNES

6.) WWF No Mercy- N64

5.) NBA Jam- SNES

4.) Donkey Kong Country- SNES

3.) Super Mario 64- N64

2.) Tecmo Super Bowl-NES

1.) Resident Evil 4- PS2/ Gamecube

*Homer says that on The Simpsons.

Elevator Ride with Bobcat

Looking back at 2022, I realized I never put in writing one of the highlights. In early June, I went with three friends to the Skyline Comedy Cafe in Appleton. That evening we rode in the elevator with Bobcat Goldthwait.

For some background on Bobcat Goldthwait (the “th” in his surname is silent), he rose to fame in the early ‘80s as a rowdy alternative comic who spoke in bursts of wild screeches. His strange and feisty persona led to movie roles in the Police Academy franchise and Scrooged. (One of my favorite Christmas movies.)   

In recent years, the man has dropped the neurotic howls and evolved into what he does best. He shares hilarious tales from his extraordinary life. And he does so in a sincere, bemused voice that’s not some insane character. 

Bobcat was nearly attacked by killer sharks while snorkeling with his dear friend Robin Williams. He opened shows for Nirvana after Nevermind blew up. At the United Center in Chicago, he incensed the crowd with a wicked joke about the passing of Michael Jordan’s father. For his safety, security had to smuggle him past livid Chicagoans out of the arena inside of luggage. He set furniture on fire on the set of The Tonight Show. Bobcat caused, savored, and retold so much hysterical mayhem. 

At first, I was not psyched about the show. That Saturday my mental health made me feel unadventurous. Missing an evening with Bobcat Goldthwait seemed acceptable. My friends had to do some convincing to get me to go. I’m glad they did. 

The way it went down was like something out of a dream. As our group of four walked through the back lot to the entrance, we crossed paths with someone who made me do a double-take. I was surprised but I took it in stride. It was none other than Bobcat Goldthwait himself. 

Standing at about 5-foot-6 with a slim build, he kept a brisk pace. He wore glasses and a quirky grin. He looked something like this:

That’s how he was dressed on Friday night at Skyline, anyway. We saw him on a Saturday. The porkpie hat and geek-stylish glasses made him stand out. 

What could I say?

“Hello, Bobcat Goldthwait!” I said cheerfully. 

Simple enough. No regrets there.

We were so close that I was able to hold the door open for the headliner. He chuckled and nodded at the gesture. A few other folks in the lobby happily buzzed about the Bobcat sighting. 

“Thanks,” Bobcat said. We stopped at the elevator. Bobcat kept going to the staircase at the far end of the lobby. “Everybody, thanks for coming!” he called out.  

“Well, thanks for being funny,” I replied. 

It was a nice exchange. Someone from another group pressed the button for the elevator. Their group of four joined in on our Bobcat chatter.

“Whoa, that was him.” 

“Can you believe it?” 

“He walks into places! Just like a regular guy.” 

By this point, I had no regrets about leaving the couch at home for an adventure. The elevator dinged and we went inside. The ride up lasted only a floor. The doors spread open on the second floor. Someone was waiting. It was Bobcat Goldthwait. 

Skyline shares the historic Between the Locks building with the Stone Arch Bar and Restaurant among other spots, and the club’s signature quirk is that it can only be accessed by an elevator ride to the fifth floor. The staircase Bobcat went up stops at the second floor. Bobcat would later describe the place as “Anne Frank’s Comedy Attic.”

We exchanged funny looks with Bobcat. His blue eyes flickered behind his glasses. Dimples formed on his cheeks. He grinned at the way life had so generously given him a bit. 

  

We were stunned for a split second before we laughed at the reveal of Bobcat. He dove into the social embarrassment with comic grace.  

I said, “Hello again, Bobcat Goldthwait.” 

“Hey, guys,” he nodded. He stepped inside and stood in the corner. 

“You gotta ride the elevator to go all the way up,” someone explained. 

“Yeah, actually, they’re making me do my set in this elevator,” he joked. 

The tiny space filled with laughter. He was cracking us up before he even took the stage. He went on.

“No, really, tonight I have to be the elevator guy. Plus the comedian. And do a few other odd jobs.” 

Max spoke up, boldly going along with Bobcat. 

“Yeah, there’s a spill in the lobby if you want to clean that up later.”

We laughed some more. I made eye contact with Bobcat. I found out later that he noticed my shirt. It showed the Nirvana logo of a smiley face with X’d out eyes, with a rainbow bending around it. 

The ride stopped on the fifth floor. The doors spread open and we cheerfully parted ways with the comic. It was the most fulfilling elevator ride of my life–a fleeting, charming wink from the universe. 

As for my shirt, it was recalled midway through Bobcat’s set. To lead into his story about opening for Nirvana and almost inciting a beating from angry fans, Bobcat said, “Earlier tonight I saw a young man in a Nirvana shirt, which reminds me…”

Wow. Just, holy shit wow. Not only did I help Bobcat with a segue, but he referred to my boney 39-year-old ass self as a “young man.” Oh, Bobcat. What a charmer! Sitting at our table, my friends excitedly turned to me. 

“He means you!”  

My chest swelled with pride. I was probably blushing beneath my beard. I might as well have waved at Bobcat with a handkerchief and tittered, “Flattery will get you everywhere, good sir.” 

In what was a heart-wrenching year in some aspects, I wanted to take some time to document what a great experience this was. On the drive back to Fond du Lac that night, we were still abuzz with comic joy. We nerded out repeating all our favorite Bobcat bits,

This is the last part of the story I want to get across. When I begrudgingly sent a text to confirm that I’d go along to Skyline even though I wasn’t feeling the greatest (because I can be a moody, too-shy wiener boy), I went to my closet to decide on a shirt. The reason I chose the one I did was because I vaguely recalled seeing a YouTube clip or passage in a book or something that Bobcat Goldthwait had a connection to one of my favorite bands. 

Hours later, when the star of the show recalled my shirt, it clicked that something positive had manifested because of my actions and choices. And if I can summon the will to get out of bed in the morning, and work up the courage to leave the house, I’m capable of not only having an adventure, but impacting that adventure and everyone in it in a productive way.

 

Replacing Words with 'Ass'

 

I don't want to oversell this one. By that, I mean it's up there with the dumbest ideas I've had recently. Possibly ever. But here goes: I'm gonna take some album titles and change the last word to "Ass." 

If I'm gonna force myself into an optimistic take on this one: it's not actually dumb, it's cheeky. 

Pink Floyd- Dark Side of the Ass / The Piper at the Gates of Ass / Wish You Were Ass

Guns 'n' Roses- Appetite for Ass

Beck- One Foot in the Ass / Midnite Ass

I want to state a late disclaimer. I'm not trying to disrespect any of the great artists listed here, or cause indignation for anyone, for that matter. I'm not trying to make an anti-ass statement in my own art. The reality is that I just had a super dumb idea, and here's more of it. 

Weezer- Everything Will be Alright in the Ass

The White Stripes- Get Behind Me Ass / Icky Ass

The Clash- Give 'em Enough Ass

Radiohead- Hail to the Ass

For those of you with human decency, I'd like to give you the good news that we're almost done here. Only seven more to go. Enjoy, and then pray for me. Pray that I may see the error of my ways and come up with something better next time. Because Goddammit, I'm doing something pretty stupid here. 

Janet Jackson- The Velvet Ass

Modest Mouse- The Lonesome Crowded Ass

The Strokes- Is This Ass? / First Impressions of Ass

Beastie Boys- Check Your Ass / Hello Ass

Fiona Apple- When the pawn hits the conflicts he thinks like a king what he knows throws the blows when he goes to the fight and he'll win the whole thing 'fore he enters the ring there's nobody to batter when your mind is your might so when you go solo, you hold your own hand and remember that depth is the greatest of heights and if you know where you stand, then you know where to land and if you fall it won't matter, cuz you'll know that you're Ass. 

*Missing words: Moon, Dawn, Destruction, Grave, Vultures, End, Satan, Thump, Rope, Thief, Rope, West, It, Earth, Head, Nasty, Right.  

 

Frodos

 I have not been writing enough as of late, so I'm trying to do that now. This is the big "no more putting it off" moment. I sure hope it works, dammit. 

Some of my grouchy or aimless traits see more light of day when I'm in a dormant phase. My mind races a lot. Whether it's any good or not, there's usually content swirling around in my dome. Sometimes I show it to others. "What do you think of this space junk?" 

So here goes. I'll give this a half hour-ish and maybe it'll be worthwhile. 

A while back I watched a YouTube video about Nirvana. A musician from the Seattle scene who crossed paths with the band in the early '90s made a comparison between Nirvana and the Lord of the Rings. It hit home. 

He said that Kurt Cobain needed bassist Krist Novoselic in the same way that Frodo needed Sam. In order to accomplish that ultimate goal, whether it was becoming the best band on the planet for a year or 2 or taking the One Ring to destroy it in the volcano in Mordor, the special, chosen one required a best friend to believe in them. Kurt and Frodo were the prodigies, the gifted oddities who were like unicorns of humanity (or in Frodo's case, uh, hobbitanity?). But they were helpless without the dedication of their not-as-special best friends. A regular guy like Krist and an average Hobbit like Sam had no chance of becoming a rock music legend or saving Middle Earth on their own, but the same could be said of the unicorns, the chosen ones. They have pure hearts. They're sensitive. They can amplify a far-off whisper from God or the Devil so that the rest of us can hear it. They can change the world. They can also break like glass. 

Seeing this Frodo/ Sam dynamic in real life stuck with me for months, until I connected the dots to a relationship I was in that ultimately didn't work out. I am the one who wanted it to work out more, and I think that makes it hurt more. 

But another way to look at the breakup has occurred to me. Maybe it didn't work out because we were both Frodo types. Two Frodos (or two Sams) can't reach that ultimate goal together. The balance is essential. And it's just hard to find that balance between 2 people with extreme traits. (In my case, it is extreme awkwardness redeemed only by extreme blue eyes and beard.) 

And that's another mental trick I'm trying to realize to feel more at peace. She needs a Sam, not another Frodo. And I will no doubt overthink it and make it weird the next time I meet a Samantha.   

Learning

Losing a loved one has taught me that if I can get through this, I can get through anything. Every other struggle I've faced or will ever face is easier by comparison. It takes strength to endure grief and not let it stop me from getting shit done. I can laugh at all the trivial challenges that are nothing compared to trying to feed my dad a pain pill he wouldn't take because it turns out his heartbeat and breathing had stopped. I've been fighting past that successfully for the last 8 months, so you can bring on another rejection notice and one more night alone. These little problems won't be death by a thousand papercuts for me. Now I know I can survive worse than that. I survived something like a dagger and I'm still here, mf'ers. 

At the same time, death is permanent in a way that the other struggles are not. Feeling crushed by mental illness, losing a job with no clue what to do next, loving someone and getting dumped in a text--these have been impermanent problems. Death doesn't merely last a long time, it's forever. All the other problems seem temporary by comparison. I could try to solve the other problems by scheduling an appointment with the doctor or search for a new job I might even like more or ask another girl if she'll go out with me. I can try again if those answers fail. But I'll never have another dad. I'll never see him or watch a ballgame with him or hug him on Christmas Day ever again. Nothing can be done about the permanence of death. No amount of hard work, talent, patience, or belief can solve the rather large problem. 

Seeing both sides, it's like anything else at the core--it's a choice. I know there is truth in both perspectives. In order for me to be at my best, I need to focus more on the positive outlook.