Learning

Losing a loved one has taught me that if I can get through this, I can get through anything. Every other struggle I've faced or will ever face is easier by comparison. It takes strength to endure grief and not let it stop me from getting shit done. I can laugh at all the trivial challenges that are nothing compared to trying to feed my dad a pain pill he wouldn't take because it turns out his heartbeat and breathing had stopped. I've been fighting past that successfully for the last 8 months, so you can bring on another rejection notice and one more night alone. These little problems won't be death by a thousand papercuts for me. Now I know I can survive worse than that. I survived something like a dagger and I'm still here, mf'ers. 

At the same time, death is permanent in a way that the other struggles are not. Feeling crushed by mental illness, losing a job with no clue what to do next, loving someone and getting dumped in a text--these have been impermanent problems. Death doesn't merely last a long time, it's forever. All the other problems seem temporary by comparison. I could try to solve the other problems by scheduling an appointment with the doctor or search for a new job I might even like more or ask another girl if she'll go out with me. I can try again if those answers fail. But I'll never have another dad. I'll never see him or watch a ballgame with him or hug him on Christmas Day ever again. Nothing can be done about the permanence of death. No amount of hard work, talent, patience, or belief can solve the rather large problem. 

Seeing both sides, it's like anything else at the core--it's a choice. I know there is truth in both perspectives. In order for me to be at my best, I need to focus more on the positive outlook.