Predator vs. Predators

*A revision.

As the namesake of Predator and the co-star of Alien vs. Predator, I feel I've earned the right to express my view of the sexual predators who've been exposed in the movie biz, and here's my message: Stop dragging the Predator name through the mud. My goal has always been to murder as many men as I possibly could, never to harass the fairer sex. You bunch of horny knuckleheads need to cut it out. 

When I see these exposés about famous lechers, I'm overwhelmed with feelings of dismay. Why did these deviants demean those women? Can’t they see that what they’re doing is disrespectful and stunningly unattractive? And as for me, is the public going to scorn me because I'm known as not just a predator, but The Predator? The answer to the first two questions is that I sincerely don't know, which is why I'm cool with slaughtering guys by the dozen. The answer to the third question is most likely yes, which is why I've got to defend myself.

These revelations have hit too close to home, and I'd like to declare that I'm not that kind of a Predator. While I would gladly destroy an elite team of Navy Seals in a South American jungle for sport because, quite frankly, the dudes probably had it coming, my stomach turns at the thought of my intimate desires causing harm to females. That's not what I'm about. Butchering all the non-Arnold guys in a military squad is a major part of who I am. Who I am not is a pervert who whips it out and goes into a tug frenzy in front of Earthling women who don't want to see me do that.

Let the record show that I never tried to kill or sexually harass a sole female in Predator. I strictly killed male soldiers in that film, and not because I'm anti-military, but because they were men, and I just feel like most males on this planet are shitty creatures.

Think about this: If so many men from the movies have sexually abused women, and I've murdered a lot of men in the movies, then maybe I'm not so bad after all. I want my message made loud and clear to these other predators: Stop giving me a bad name. 

I may have decapitated seven men in Arnold’s squad and made their skulls into trophies, but I've never let a woman down by disgracing them, not on this planet or mine. Having a night of romance with my wife in our candle-lit cave and watching our silhouettes move together against a wall of stone brings me almost as much joy as watching our children grow and become the most beautiful mankillers our eyes have ever seen. Where I come from, the males are just grateful when this superior species lets us lay with them. With my wife, I just light the candle and hope she wants it to stay lit.

Before I go, I must confess that I’d also like to plug my latest project, Predator vs. Predators, which I announced today on Instagram. On the show, I’ll be hunting down a small group of convicted predators on a deserted island in Fiji. When I catch them, and I always do, the twist is that I don’t kill them. I just roast them with a stream of insults about their sexual misconduct, and they can’t get away from my taunts, because I’m the Predator and I’ve got them in a headlock. Sometimes I’ll just pull a guy’s pants down and point and laugh at him.

Come to think of it, I did kill a guy or two on the show. But they were both at like the Cosby-level, you know? I mean... disgusting. Plus I’m working with the claw and the lasers and whatnot, so yeah, I did kill one or two of them, but most of them survived the pilot episode.

Anyway, we’re in negotiations with Netflix, so please check out the Predator vs. Predators page on social media for updates.    

Now, to finish my message, I beg you, don't get me confused with a glut of wiener-wagging cretins. I've hidden in camouflage at too many anti-Trump rallies and read too many books on feminist theory to be pigeonholed like that. My name happens to be Predator. That doesn't mean I'm a monster.