Predator vs. Predators

*A revision.

As the namesake of Predator and the co-star of Alien vs. Predator, I feel I've earned the right to express my view of the sexual predators who've been exposed in the movie biz, and here's my message: Stop dragging the Predator name through the mud. My goal has always been to murder as many men as I possibly could, never to harass the fairer sex. You bunch of horny knuckleheads need to cut it out. 

When I see these exposés about famous lechers, I'm overwhelmed with feelings of dismay. Why did these deviants demean those women? Can’t they see that what they’re doing is disrespectful and stunningly unattractive? And as for me, is the public going to scorn me because I'm known as not just a predator, but The Predator? The answer to the first two questions is that I sincerely don't know, which is why I'm cool with slaughtering guys by the dozen. The answer to the third question is most likely yes, which is why I've got to defend myself.

These revelations have hit too close to home, and I'd like to declare that I'm not that kind of a Predator. While I would gladly destroy an elite team of Navy Seals in a South American jungle for sport because, quite frankly, the dudes probably had it coming, my stomach turns at the thought of my intimate desires causing harm to females. That's not what I'm about. Butchering all the non-Arnold guys in a military squad is a major part of who I am. Who I am not is a pervert who whips it out and goes into a tug frenzy in front of Earthling women who don't want to see me do that.

Let the record show that I never tried to kill or sexually harass a sole female in Predator. I strictly killed male soldiers in that film, and not because I'm anti-military, but because they were men, and I just feel like most males on this planet are shitty creatures.

Think about this: If so many men from the movies have sexually abused women, and I've murdered a lot of men in the movies, then maybe I'm not so bad after all. I want my message made loud and clear to these other predators: Stop giving me a bad name. 

I may have decapitated seven men in Arnold’s squad and made their skulls into trophies, but I've never let a woman down by disgracing them, not on this planet or mine. Having a night of romance with my wife in our candle-lit cave and watching our silhouettes move together against a wall of stone brings me almost as much joy as watching our children grow and become the most beautiful mankillers our eyes have ever seen. Where I come from, the males are just grateful when this superior species lets us lay with them. With my wife, I just light the candle and hope she wants it to stay lit.

Before I go, I must confess that I’d also like to plug my latest project, Predator vs. Predators, which I announced today on Instagram. On the show, I’ll be hunting down a small group of convicted predators on a deserted island in Fiji. When I catch them, and I always do, the twist is that I don’t kill them. I just roast them with a stream of insults about their sexual misconduct, and they can’t get away from my taunts, because I’m the Predator and I’ve got them in a headlock. Sometimes I’ll just pull a guy’s pants down and point and laugh at him.

Come to think of it, I did kill a guy or two on the show. But they were both at like the Cosby-level, you know? I mean... disgusting. Plus I’m working with the claw and the lasers and whatnot, so yeah, I did kill one or two of them, but most of them survived the pilot episode.

Anyway, we’re in negotiations with Netflix, so please check out the Predator vs. Predators page on social media for updates.    

Now, to finish my message, I beg you, don't get me confused with a glut of wiener-wagging cretins. I've hidden in camouflage at too many anti-Trump rallies and read too many books on feminist theory to be pigeonholed like that. My name happens to be Predator. That doesn't mean I'm a monster.

Historia de Objeto Inanimado

Having grown up in America, I realize I am biased in what I'm about to state, but here it is, anyway: I'm still completely baffled by the way foreign languages have both masculine and feminine nouns. It remains a ludicrous idea to me. In Spanish, for instance, the restaurant is a man but the library is a woman. What? Who made the official ruling on that? And more importantly, why? It's nonsense. Restaurants and libraries are places, not people or animals.

The ultimate saving grace of our system of writing and speech is that we only have one way to say “the.” When you consider how much other languages over-complicate saying “the,” we have a wonderfully simple system. It's realistic, too, because it's kind of insane to constantly think of inanimate objects—lifeless things like shoes and spoons—as having male and female sex parts, and maybe I'm being too literal about it, but clearly, they don't.

I'm sorry if that seems insensitive or xenophobic, and it should be noted that every once in a while I do act like a buffoon, but I have never heard a foreign language teacher (or anyone else) explain the need for masculine and feminine nouns in a convincing fashion. German, French, and Spanish should all drop at least one “the.” Ultimately, I think other languages just have a weird, lingering tradition of smooching and banging scissors and hammers together as though they are Barbie and Ken dolls.

That got me thinking—in as much as it made me paranoid. If, by some miracle, I'm wrong in my criticism of masculine and feminine nouns, then the inanimate objects inhabiting my very own apartment could secretly be experiencing self-aware, gender-influenced lives—just animals with a pulse, like us. For all I know, the pencils, lamps, notebooks, lighters, books, computer, and desk so familiar to me might become sentient and stage raging debates about gender inequality and sexism when I leave my residence—kind of like Toy Story, but with a pencil, an oscillating fan, and a computer instead of Woody, Buzz and Bo Peep.

Let's explore what would happen if that were the case. Only kidding! This actually happened.

After reheating some cold pizza in a toaster oven and devouring it, I departed my apartment and leave for work. To translate in Spanish, this means that I ate some pizza—which is feminine, mind you—left my manly apartment, and departed for my masculine job.

By the time I pushed through the effeminate door on my down the macho fire escape to my dude-reminiscent car, the inanimate object population of my apartment became abuzz. Everything I owned had an important meeting to conduct. My computer, a female, turned on and voiced an announcement.

“All things small and portable, gather in the living room for today's debate...”

My refrigerator, a cold and robust woman, exclaimed a protest.

“What about me? I way 300 pounds and I can't move!”

“We can hear you from the kitchen, Mrs. Refrigerator!” my computer snapped. “We can't risk you coming here and scratching the linoleum floor. Ever hear of a security deposit, you buzzing old...”

Slinking toward the gathering of objects at the base of the masculine desk and the effeminate computer, my cozy wool blanket interjected.

“Ladies, please, let's not bicker amongst ourselves. We're in this together, remember?”

“Thank you, Miss Blanket,” my computer said. “You're right. Now, in regard to today's long-awaited debate on gender inequality, Mr. Pencil asked—no, DEMANDED—to have opening remarks. So much for ladies first, I suppose. Your remarks, Mr. Pencil?”

My pencil waddled on its eraser and stood upright to address my possessions.

“Woman, you might be due for a virus scan, if ya catch my drift.”

This boorish remark was met mostly by the jeers it deserved, though the radio and the desk, with their obvious machismo leanings, still voiced their audacious approval.

“Only kidding, dames!” Mr. Pencil laughed sleazily. “Any-hoo, in all my years as a sliver of wood with a graphite-tip, I have never heard anything so absurd as the accusations of Mrs. Computer here that my brotherhood of inanimate objects and I are in any way, shape, or form sexist.”

Overhearing this, my dishwasher disagreed.

“You said my place was in the kitchen!” she accused.

“Anyone think we should have a dishwasher installed in the living room?” my pencil asked in a facetious tone. “Does that make sense to anyone? No. OK, and mind your manners, Mrs. Dishwasher. That's one topic done. You got any other bright ideas for complaints in that big, Pentium processor or whatever-the-hell-it-is brain of yours?”

“You pig,” my computer said.

“Pigs are masculine, so thank you.”

“My other complaints include not just sexism but your overall bigotry,” my computer said. “Nick's notebook and his oscillating fan can't get married, even though they're in love.”

“Yes, Mr. Fan blows my pages with LOVE!” my notebook declared.

My oscillating fan waved a soothing hello, then turned away toward the other wall...

“That is an abomination!” my pencil said. “Good lord, a notebook and a fan doing such a thing. Disgusting.”

“You're just jealous because I don't love you!” my notebook shouted at my pencil. “Nobody loves you, Mr. Pencil.”

“Why, that's not true. On many occasions after dark, I have indeed found love by plunging myself into the pure and delectable hole of Mrs. Pencil Sharpener.”

A moment passed, one that escalated from shock to awkwardness to sheer delight among Mr. Pencil's enemies.

“Pencil sharpener is a masculine noun,” my computer declared.

“Yeah,” my pencil sharpener said. “Dude, you didn't know I was a dude? Seriously?”

My once-upright pencil nearly toppled to the carpet but managed a slanted posture in his moment of trauma.

“Oh, sweet Lord, what have I done?!” my pencil shrieked.

But he regained his composure, reconsidered the many errors of his ways, and in no uncertain terms, he saw the light—literally, since Mrs. Lamp clicked on when he posed dramatically in the direction of her bulb.

“I've been an insensitive fool all this time,” my pencil said. “Whether pencil, dishwasher, radio, or fat refrigerator, we should all be treated with the same respect and kindness. Heck, when you put our obvious sex-differences aside, inanimate objects like us are all pretty much alike. We're all inhuman, ya know? Let this be a day of everlasting celebration in Nick's apartment, for we the masculine and feminine nouns have finally learned to live together in perfect harm—”

“He's home early!”

That was my lamp, warning the others as I crossed the fire escape and searched for the proper key to unlock the door. My pencil reverted to being a jerk.

“How dare you interrupt me, Miss Light!”

“You can't talk to her that way!” my blanket chastised.

The objects continued to argue and insult each other in this manner, right up to the moment I walked inside and saw the supernatural spectacle. After I explained to the toaster that I got Sunday mixed up with Monday again, I got the scoop on the dispute from my garbage can, and my mind was obviously quite blown. I stroked my chin and wondered, “Should I do a story about this? Yes, and then a movie.”

All right, thanks for reading this buffoonery, and sorry for the abrupt conclusion, but before I get to the Inanimate Objects Story screenplay, I'm in a hurry to finish the first draft of my epic legal-drama Alien v. Predator: The Supreme Court Trial.