A co-worker kiddingly asked me if I had ever written rap lyrics, to which I replied that I did, actually, for a column that the college newspaper printed toward the end of a semester, when I was running low on ideas. Somehow the piece was stretched into 1,000 words or so—with help from an intro, a heavy metal number titled “Monster in the Attic,” and a conclusion, all of which have herein been omitted.
“Oh-Dawg” was my rapper-alias, which is especially nutty considering that I've never been a rapper and never will be.
OK. Bring on the embarrassing smut.
Dimples like Slater and I'm scrawny like Screech
Teeth like Zack thanks to Oral-B Reach
I'll rock your world like a 'quake from Cali
'Cause my beats is fatter (sic?) than Kirstie Alley*
So shake your ass like caffeinated maracas
I bling it prouder than B.A. Baracus
Been mackin' ladies since the age of five
Learned my ABCs between my teacher's thighs
I wore a 'stache harder than that chump Trebek
Bounce a dime off my abs 'cause I'm rockin' the Bow-Flex
Whack MCs be flies and I'm hungry as a frog
I'll sign their graves: “Courtesy of Oh-Dawg”
I got rhymes for Einsteins but theirs are for Gump
Teeth like Zack thanks to Oral-B Reach
I'll rock your world like a 'quake from Cali
'Cause my beats is fatter (sic?) than Kirstie Alley*
So shake your ass like caffeinated maracas
I bling it prouder than B.A. Baracus
Been mackin' ladies since the age of five
Learned my ABCs between my teacher's thighs
I wore a 'stache harder than that chump Trebek
Bounce a dime off my abs 'cause I'm rockin' the Bow-Flex
Whack MCs be flies and I'm hungry as a frog
I'll sign their graves: “Courtesy of Oh-Dawg”
I got rhymes for Einsteins but theirs are for Gump
Girl, I'm the number one fan of the jiggle in your rump
Like chardonnay I'll just get better with age
I'll be snaggin' granny panties up and down the stage
I'll be snaggin' granny panties up and down the stage
*This was killer material in 2006.
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