A few nights ago, I spent some time watching TV with a couple friends. During commercials, a promo for the remake of Total Recall was shown, and I quite honestly griped, "A lot of these kids today don't even know about the original Total Recall." That's right. At the age of 29, I've already begun starting sentences with the disapproving words, "A lot of these kids today..."
I was rightfully called out and kidded for saying such a thing, and I realized I had inadvertently provided myself with further motivation to delete my Facebook account. At my age, if you're going to begin a sentence in the fashion that I did, you don't belong on Facebook. You barely deserve to have an e-mail account. In light of that, I'm resigned to unleashing my grouchy nostalgia elsewhere, on a digital sovereign nation such as this blog.
On the drive home, my friend mentioned that he had read the final status I posted--which included the sentiment, "I sincerely want each and every one of you to know that I'd really like to stay in contact with half of you...tops"--and advised me not to take myself so seriously.
I replied, "Dude, that's why I'm getting off of Facebook in the first place."
What a verbal victory that was. Seriously.
Anyway, my plan is to provide some concise jokes and observation on this blog with greater regularity, and if the locals who asked to be my Facebook friend even though they don't acknowledge me in-person never happen upon these offbeat thoughts, that's better than OK: it's fantastic. I'm not going to miss that sort of maddening behavior in the real world.
But enough digital bridge-burning. Here are some jokes.
1.) In the movie Total Recall, after Arnold learns of the shocking fallacies of what he once understood as reality, he should have exclaimed, "ZEES IS NOT MY BEAUTIFUL HOUSE! ZEES IS NOT MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE!" Then there should have been a musical montage in which he puts on a comically oversized suit, snorts some cocaine with David Byrne, and at last becomes a Psycho Killer.
2.) So-called "animal-expert" Jack Hannah is a moron! I saw just him on an afternoon talk-show, summarizing the traits of a certain kind of sloth, and Hannah mentioned how often the animal "goes to the bathroom." Sloths don't go to the bathroom, stupid; they just shit in the wilderness!
3.) One of my co-workers is incredibly difficult to understand when she speaks. She speaks in the feisty and hurried cadence of James Brown. Sometimes I find myself agreeing with incomprehensible gibberish. I'm in the process of writing a candid yet respectful note to read to her, in order to address the problem, but considering that she is in fact African-American, I might have to change the name of it. Its working title is, "The Enunciation Proclamation."
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