Love and Dread in Chicago

I had a very smooth transition planned from the previous story to this one, the final chapter, and I will get to that soon—albeit with less smoothness. Before that, I'd like to admit that I'm terrified about claiming the repercussions of this mostly true account. I'm feeling like a freak who's capable of feeling only easy love rather than the difficult love that is so valuable and hard to achieve. I've got to confront some heartache and it sucks.

But there is a pact I have made with myself long ago, and it trumps all the fears. Even if I never build a happy foundation for myself, I'm compelled to explain why I couldn't to anyone who cares to read, to the best of my abilities.

If you made it to “Love and Dread in Chicago” without regretting much, I'm grateful. I wish I could fix the axle alignment of your car or install a better sink in your bathroom, free of charge, but this is all I'm capable of. Arts and entertainment. Not the necessities. The luxuries.

This is going to hurt somebody a little bit, but pain is a likely outcome in the arts and entertainment racket, and anyway, stories devoid of pain seem so cheap and boring.

Thanks for reading these words when it would have been easier to have watched Monday Night Football or Louie. Those are both amazing programs. Just between you and me, I'd rather watch a Packers game or a show made by a great stand-up than read one of my stories. If a mere 20% of Americans still voluntarily read books—ACTUAL BOOKS that a court of law is not forcing them to read—I am thrilled to belong to that minority.

OK. So, there's gratitude, but that gratitude, too, is in danger of becoming a bore. The Walking Dead might be on in ten minutes! Or maybe you're just horny and you'd rather have sex with your bedmate as opposed to reading 3,000 more words. Shit, I understand. But please, come back. I just want somebody to know that I tried. Because one way or the other, I have to finish this book, and like sex, it makes more sense if there's another person involved.

###

Maggie was topless and swishing her butt cheeks from side to side as she strode in front of me. She held my hand. We were headed for the bedroom. Left and right piece of ass swayed and commanded attention like a gold pocket watch being dangled by a hypnotist. Earlier, she had told me she bought the sleek black panties that clung to her butt when she visited Rome during a college semester abroad. She had saved the lingerie for a special occasion, she said, and eventually, that special occasion benefited me. I revived her interest in that beautiful and expensive lingerie she got from Rome. How the hell did I do that? We'd only met three weeks ago. I really liked Maggie. She blew my mind inasmuch as she was as attracted to me as I was to her. She was also kind and polite. She was educated. She was a fan of both the Chicago Cubs of Illinois and the Green Bay Packers of Wisconsin. She even liked pizza as much as I do. (Arguably.) Plus, the demerits that might have been pinned on her by other guys—those stupid, conformist assholes—such as her milky, sun-despising skin and her thick, blocky glasses, turned out to be not only acceptable but very, very sexy to me. God had sent a pale a beauty with poor vision and a sweet personality my way, and rather than bitch about tanning beds and LASIK surgery, I felt entirely inclined to say a prayer of thanks in the midst of some tender but aggressive thrusting into Maggie. I was really looking forward to doing that.

So, holy goddamn shit. I should be able to publish some of that Fifty Shades of Gray-level smut, only I could be funnier than whoever wrote that book, so I should be cashing the fuck in, right? Nope. Here is what happened once Maggie and I made it to the bedroom.

###

That problem of mine lingered. How did I phrase it earlier? The groundhog couldn't see his shadow? Jesus. What a stupid figure of speech.

It was erectile dysfunction brought on by medication brought on by mental illness, to put it in Dr. Drew verbiage. I guess that's kinder than people pointing at my crotch and jeering, “No boners!” So, we'll stick with erectile dysfunction brought on by (and the rest).

There's a pill to treat that problem, too. There's a lot of boredom and pain out there to medicate. We have pills for everything.

But in the stylish condo my cousin owned in an upscale neighborhood on Chicago's north side, as I pursued Maggie's tush, I was bereft of pills that promoted erectile function.

Though they were much less fun, vials of Zoloft or Lexapro were in my possession. I was succumbing to rituals and routines again. There was an antique rotary phone resting on a glass table beside the entrance to my cousin's place, and I had been dialing the numbers “1-2-3-4” for minutes at a time before entering or leaving the place. I was clearing my throat and tapping surfaces four times and snapping my fingers for no reason, thinking I was fated to do such things and never understand why.

“Kiss me,” Maggie said.

More Stories, and Additional Stories is the name of that eBook. 

The Confederator: American Gladiator from the South

                                             ^ Not pictured: The Confederator.^

Hidden deep within the chronicles of television lore that I just made up for this month's story, there's a mostly forgotten American Gladiator whose tale I'd like to share. Born in Woodland, Alabama, on the day of the moon landing, the fourteenth child of Travis and Trish Taters accomplished his lifetime goal when he got a Lynyrd Skynyrd tattoo on his back in junior high. After that, he still kept striving. He went on to become a foul-mouthed, muscle-bound showman on TV. As an often-censored Gladiator, Richard “Dick” Taters left an obscure legacy in northern states such as Wisconsin, but in the deep south, plenty of folks know the legend of The Confederator.

In order to express the triumphs and downfalls of The Confederator, whose lifetime record of being the most arrested American Gladiator still stands today, I enlisted the e-mail aid of Nitro, a former Gladiator who now resides in Las Vegas, where he divides his time between doing push-ups on the sidewalk beside a collection hat and performing his one man show: “Saturday Nitro Live.”

Nitro's response was that of a sworn enemy to The Confederator. Now, I will admit that Nitro's criticisms of The Confederator seem exaggerated, but regardless, as Wisconsinites celebrating the 238^th birthday of our favorite country this July, we should give Nitro the benefit of the doubt:

Hello and USA, USA, USA everyone in the Dairy State! Nitro here. Check out my KickStarter site and leave a donation if you care to know my real name. Anyway, the rumors about The Confederator and his rebellion against the American Gladiators are all true. I didn't like him one bit. We got along like peanut butter and bacon, or like Stonewall Jackson and any Southern General loser you can think of.

I'd say the most impressive thing on his resume was that he claimed to be “Party Buddies” with the creator of the show. Sure, the guy could lift a pinball machine above his head just like the rest of us and he was a bodyguard for Jerry “The King” Lawler for two months, but I wouldn't call those REAL credentials. Hell, I took a bullet for OJ Simpson (pre-scandal) just to land an interview.

On his first day, I gave him the grand tour of the arena. When we finally got to The Eliminator, Dick Taters had the gall to scoff at it.

“You call this 'The Eliminator'?” he said. “This crappy mound of pads 'n' plastic ain't nothin' compared to me: The CONFEDERATOR.”

He then spat a stream of tobacco onto the sacred inclined treadmill. It was the first of countless times he spat on The Eliminator. He often did so while shoving medicine balls on ropes at contenders as they crossed a balance beam.

Early and often, The Confederator raised hell. During practice, he used to shoot the tennis ball gun at people. Stagehands, janitors, it didn't matter. When told to knock it off, he'd holler that he had “done it for Shits and Giggles." Those were actually the nicknames of his two “bestest pals” from Alabama, who got to carouse around the arena. Shits and Giggles dared The Confederator to shoot tennis balls at everybody.

For his morning commute, The Confederator rode a Honda 3 Wheeler to the arena. Was it street legal? I doubt it. Plus sometimes he'd be chugging from a bottle of moonshine with one hand, blaring an air horn with the other, and steering with his knees. You call that professional?!

He demanded that since the “Star Spangled Banner” was played before tapings, we should also put our hands over our hearts and sing along to “Sweet Home Alabama.” He was the only one on the show from Alabama. (Besides, the rest of us  were into heavier stuff like Poison and Night Ranger.) The Confederator was one selfish dude.

There was a TV set up in the weight room, and the Confederator always insisted that his shows be played. Reruns of The Dukes of Hazard were his favorite. His childish lack of compromise erupted in his infamous “Dukes vs. A-Team” brawl with Tank. (June 8^th, 1992.)

He hated The Atlasphere event, mostly because of the name. “I ain't gonna use no word what sounds like it been given by some Harvard boy from Europe!” he once screamed. “When The Confederator spins at a contender to knock that sissy off a crater before it shoots up smoke, I calls it a 'Round-y Cage,' thank you very much.”

His trouble-making went overboard. We knew he was a threat to our union of Gladiators when he tackled Gemini, our unitard-wearing brother in arms, off of The Wall. In case you've been living in a freaking cave forever, The Wall was an event where contenders got a head start in climbing up a steep cliff-like thing before we Gladiators demonstrated our upper body strength by tracking them down by climbing super fast. It was awesome.

Well, as the two tussled on the floor, a fiery Gemini called him out right away. He demanded to know What in the name of Mr. T?! was The Confederator's problem.

“You's a slow climber!” the southerner said. “It's survival of the fittest!”

After that firestorm, my fellow Gladiators and I united in our opposition of The Confederator. We took a stand against that dirtbag's antics. One night he crashed a Jacuzzi party at Zap's condo, and within minutes, he was drunkenly taunting her for, “Doing the Human Cannonball like a girl!” She hammer punched him in the sternum and bit off his earring. Zap could be a pretty righteous babe.

Around this time, The Confederator got dumped by his girlfriend, who happened to be the chick who played Snow White at Disney World. Well, Blaze did some homework on their breakup and found out why she left him, which turned out to be because he wanted to invite her coworkers into the bedroom and “Let the Dwarfs watch.” What a sick-o! We sure as heck gave him hell about that. And he battled back.

Only, he battled with the mindset of a conman. For two weeks he acted out of character. He was kind and calm, and then he cordially invited the gang to home town for a charity event. We should have been suspicious since none of us had ever heard of a Civil War reenactment for charity, but I don't know, sometimes American Gladiators do stupid things. Once we put on those blue uniforms, the townsfolk at the park changed. They started booing us. An old guy whipped his dentures at me. Then The Confederator and his “bestest pals” stormed over the hill, waving that Confederate flag. We took aim with our muskets and pulled our triggers, but it was no use.

“Southern man can't be hurt by no invisible bullets!” The Confederator taunted. He then clubbed Gemini with his musket and shoved Zap into a pricker bush. Meanwhile, Shits and Giggles hurled sacks of skunks at us. We were forced to retreat. It was the worst defeat suffered by the American Gladiators at the hands of The Confederator. Plus we found out later that day that the “charity” was just a way to pay off his gambling debts.

We'd had enough of his crap. When he returned to Universal Studios, we jumped him in the parking lot and pummeled him with the pugilist sticks from Joust. When it was all over, he wobbled against his 3 Wheeler with two black eyes and a swollen lip. He cussed and spat and declared his intentions to secede from the American Gladiators.

“Nah,” Gemini said, his pectorals heaving. “We're keeping you in this union of American Gladiators.”

That was the truth. We kept him in our union, where he got perks like freedom of speech and a dental plan and all that shit. He was kept in the union, but he was demoted from Gladiator to janitor, and he couldn't call himself The Confederator anymore.

We proud Gladiators put that bonehead in his place. Sure, there were other incidents, like that time he tried to assassinate the president of the network, but he didn't succeed. Probably because the attempt was made with a tennis ball gun.

When the show ended its run, Dick Taters was almost broken but not quite. He returned to the job he always loved the most: Being a bodyguard for Jerry “The King” Lawler.

I guess there are worse jobs out there. Once I'm done sending this e-mail, I just might send my resume to The King. Unlike Taters, I've got a strong work ethic. Plus I graduated high school.

In closing, keep your feet on the pedestal and swing a mighty pugilist stick, America!

Sincerely USA,

Nitro 

Nephew Stories

On the cusp of the release of Scene in Fond du Lac, I was among the dozen or so contributors treated to dinner at a local restaurant that used to be a church. I made some humorous observations at our table and sipped from two free beers until someone noted that I was the only one in the group who had yet to reproduce. If memory serves, my reply was, “Well...that makes me feel a little sad.”

It wasn't much of a zinger, I must admit. I was lucky I didn't get booed. On the drive home, I smacked my fist against the steering wheel, for a solid retort at last had occurred to me. It was too late to seem as quick-witted as I had hoped, but I realized I should have said, “Hey...I'm satisfied with just being an uncle.”

Hindsight can be such a drag, but in order to redeem that mishap, I have composed some endearing anecdotes about my nephew. (In fairness, I'm a level-2 uncle, but my niece is still progressing through that infantile stage where you feel an undercurrent of worry about her well-being at all times since four-month-olds don't understand much about the survival racket.)

My nephew incurs slightly less anxiety, however, inasmuch as he's old enough to communicate his thoughts, and we don't have to fret about him potentially gulping down Lego blocks anymore.

When my nephew became old enough to perform the small-scale basics of sports, my dad was abundantly pleased when I bought the boy a tee ball set. The little one had taken to bopping the occasional line drive and then gleefully running a diamond-like path. Having retrieved the ball, my dad would trail a step behind him, reaching but never quite able to tag him out. It was always a bang-bang play at the plate but the boy would inevitably score another home run.

“Safe!” my dad declared. “He's safe again!”

I love the unselfishness kids instill in us. We prefer to lose so that they may win. We'll look like hapless fools so that they may feel happy and safe.

I once watched my nephew during batting practice, shortly after he had (crudely) learned how to count. With a grin of endless enthusiasm, he stood beside the tee ball stand and announced, “One...Two...THREE!” With that he swung and missed the motionless ball, but recomposed his stance, undeterred. “Three...Six...EIGHT!”

DONK! On this try he connected with a towering shot to the base of the neighbor's chain link fence. At the expense of his math skills, perhaps, I advised him to keep the “three-six-eight” countdown since baseball inspires strange superstitions.

Later that day he sat in front of me on the grass a few feet behind my dad, who had agreed to club home runs over the roof of my parents' ranch style home. My dad lobbed the tee ball into the air a few times, appraising it, and then set his stance, miniature plastic bat in hand, poised to start his one-man derby.

“We've got the best seats in the house,” I said to my nephew.

He looked back at me, puzzled, and then corrected me.

“No, no, no,” the boy said. “He gonna hit the ball OVER the house.”

Maybe he had misunderstood me, but I couldn't argue with his basic logic.

Playing my old Super Nintendo beside my nephew is another joy. He learned the preparatory method of blowing dust out of the cartridges in no time, and when a game's title screen blips disobediently, he is quick to quote the explanation I gave him months ago.

“It's slow to work. We played this game a lot a long time ago when we were boys.”

On the second or third try, when The Adventures of Batman and Robin complies, we high-five each other and retreat back to the couch. I give him the second controller that doesn't actually serve a purpose in this particular game, but he is content to mash buttons as I occasionally call him a “good helper.”

We advanced to part in which Batman must destroy huge robotic chess pieces on a sprawling chessboard.

“What's chess?” he wanted to know.

I paused the game, sought the lightly dusted board game collection in my parents' basement, and returned with a worn cardboard box with a chess game inside.

The boy's instantaneous instinct, of course, was to dump the contents onto the carpet. Thirty-two small pieces of plastic rained down and scattered. He shook once more and the board plummeted to the floor.

“What's this?” he asked of the first piece he grabbed.

“That's called a rook,” I explained. “It looks like a castle, but for some reason, they gave it a fancy name.”

“What's this?”

In a minute's time, I had covered the entire roster of chess pieces. My nephew still wasn't satisfied. He squinted quizzically at me.

“Which one is Batman?”

My snickers filled the room but he never joined me. The boy was becoming a great deadpan comedian without realizing it. Eventually I picked up a dark knight and told him it was Batman.

A week afterward, in the kitchen, with my mom and I flanking him at the kitchen table, he handed out blank sheets of paper and told us we were going to draw pictures. He then overturned a ceramic vase filled with colored pencils, which—to him—made more sense than keeping the pencils neatly arranged in the container.

“Ga'ma,” he addressed my mom. “You draw an Applebee's. Uncle Nick, you draw a bank. And I'm gonna draw...” here he paused, stretching the suspense and straining his imagination until his mind found serendipity. “ANOTHER Applebee's.”

We pressed our colored pencils against blank canvases. I designed a box-shaped building that could have passed for a low income house were it not for a sign that read “Bank.” The little one made another request.

“Uncle Nick, draw Scarecrow outside the bank.”

This seemed peculiar since scarecrows, quite unlike banks, tend to be found in cornfields.

“You want me to draw a scarecrow...outside of a bank?”

“Yeah, Scarecrow. The Batman bad guy,” he clarified.

This was another reference to The Adventures of Batman and Robin. A fear-mongering villain named the Scarecrow menaces the sixth level by robbing a bank. I snickered at the boy's expanding memory and attention to detail, but he was businesslike and intent on producing an Applebee's that looked more like a supernova than a restaurant.

The last of these nephew stories began with an error in judgment at Pick 'n' Save, wherein a few of those glass-encased claw machines entice kids beside the entryway. While the two of us watched the Game Show Network, the boy asked me a question.

“What's The Walking Dead?”

I cringed. There was a downside to the three-year-old's adeptness at working the claw machine lever. Rather than Dorah or Curious George, he had extracted a cushy action figure of a character from AMC's drama about the zombie apocalypse.

“Well, it's a TV show about a make-believe world where people have to fight monsters.”

“Bad monsters?” he asked.

“Yes, like the ones responsible for installing the claw machine at Pick 'n' Save.”

“What do the monsters do that's bad?”

“They let kids your age get Walking Dead toys.”

“No, no, no,” he persisted. “The OTHER monsters.”

I envisioned the end of the second season and the cruel fate of a blond woman as she fled a farmhouse being overrun by senseless malice in human form and contemplated the best way to convey that to my 2011-born nephew.

“Before I answer that...” I started, stalling as I reached into my pocket. “Maybe you'd rather play Pac-Man Dash on my iPhone!”

“Pac-Man to the rescue!” the boy exclaimed.

He got the fifth level of his new favorite video game as I thought about what the future would do to his innocence and then forced myself to smile as I gave him a hug. 

Hammer Plays Monopoly

                                                Plays

When I call upon leisure, it's common for me to play video games with friends. Willy and Swinkle have the same tendencies, and during a recent summer which marked for me the start of another inglorious chapter in a frustrating narrative, we'd gather to unwind and perhaps revamp our mindsets at Swinkle's studio apartment above a church that used to be a pawn shop. Our game of choice was an adaptation of a classic board game Swinkle had downloaded onto his computer: Super Monopoly.


With components of luck and some semblance of financial savvy, Super Monopoly allowed us to compete without losing real money or going through all the tedium of doling out fake money and plastic houses and straining to do basic math. We could roll the dice and then buy a property by pressing a button on the controller. Rolling dice by hand onto an actual surface had become too much of a chore, I suppose.

While I usually avoid the wizards and elves and all the other magical shit associated with role playing games, when I enter my name in Super Monopoly, I'll admit it, I get tickled by calling myself “Hammer.” I think of myself as MC Hammer in a frenzy of enterprise, constantly buying properties and overindulging, fully convinced I will never go broke. Occasionally I make jokes and observations from Hammer's perspective. Win or lose (and in this particular game I lean toward the latter), I feel like I'm enacting an episode of VH1's Behind the Music and I get a kick out of that.

I share some economical tendencies with Hammer. In life and Monopoly, as we see it, we only get so many opportunities, which means we should spend-spend-spend while we can and accept the consequences even if they turn out to be dire. In America as well as life, there is no hope for Socialism. They're both ventures for capitalists. The winners are rare, and the rest are left to scrounge for remnants of rancid chicken wings in the trash cans of back alleyways downtown. That's the bad news, but Hammer and I realize that in order to get rich, the first step is to at least try to get rich. Flawed and defective as we may be, we still owe effort to the game. It takes a lot of gumption to buy a second yacht or Park Place on a shoe-string budget, but even so, we'd forfeit our self-respect if we didn't purchase these extravagances when the opportunities presented themselves.

What follows is me (as Hammer) playing Monopoly with my friends—and if this premise seems outdated, bare in mind that Hammer appeared at the New Year's Eve countdown to 2013 on ABC. He performed a duet with that Korean pop-singer who resembles the late Kim Jong Ill.

It all begins with a pixelated hand rolling pixelated dice.


Act I: “Too Legit to Quit”

They say snake eyes are a bad omen, but Hammer just started this party by landing on the Community Chest. Runner-up in a beauty contest. Deal with that, haters. Gonna roll again, but before I do that, I gotta air a grievance about how they put Hammer in the same beauty contest with an unbeatable Goddess like Halle Berry.

Guess who just purchased the hell out of Oriental Avenue? My investment portfolio is gonna be so sound I'm destined to make Bill Gates look like a brain-dead chump.

It was a quiet turn for Hammer this time around, but at least I got to visit jail and counsel Chris Brown. “The good lord and Hammer both know that the ladies can drive a man mad and make him see red. But please, don't hurt 'em.”

More Stories, and Additional Stories is the name of that eBook.

We're Talkin' Hardball 2014

I'm so excited for Opening Day of Major League Baseball—America's least polar vortex-compatible team sport! Here is my overview of the 2014 season, replete with predictions that might even be accurate. (Note: An asterisk predicts a Wild Card team.)

National League East

1. Washington Nationals: Unlike last season, the Nationals should deliver on their prodigious hype in 2014. Bryce Harper, now old enough to legally drink, seems poised to emerge as an elite outfielder. Infielders Ryan Zimmerman and Ian Desmond will likely both belt over 20 homers and get on-base often. The Nationals' clear strength, however, is their pitching staff. Between strikeout masters Stephen Strasburg and Gio Gonzalez and the crafty Jordan Zimmerman, the Nats could produce two 20-game winners.

2. * Atlanta Braves: The tomahawk chop chanters could be World Series contenders. Led by first baseman Freddie Freeman, centerfielder Justin Upton, and a well-rounded supporting cast, their offense can produce. The Braves also have depth in their five-man rotation and closer Craig Kimbrel has a knack for striking out the side in the ninth inning.

3. Philadelphia Phillies: Infielders Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, and Jimmy Rollins are all well beyond the primes they established circa 2008. At age 35, Cliff Lee can still dominate on the mound, but nevertheless, the Phillies are too old to make a playoff push as they are currently constituted. The trade deadline and a rebuilding process await.

4. New York Mets: Losing young starter Matt Harvey to Tommy John surgery will preclude them from contending in 2014. Actually, even with Harvey, the Mets wouldn't have a playoff team. Third baseman David “Captain America” Wright is a very good player with a mediocre supporting cast.

5. Florida Marlins: Pitching wunderkind Jose Fernandez and bomber Giancarlo Stanton are players worth noting on an otherwise awful team.


NL CENTRAL

1. St. Louis Cardinals: The reigning National League champs are a safe bet to win the division again. Leadoff man Matt Carpenter scored a mind-boggling 126 runs last season. He should set the table for run-producers like Matt Holiday, Allen Craig, and one of the game's best catchers, Yadier Molina. The Cardinals' rotation is led by Cy Young hopeful Adam Wainwright and aspiring phenom Michael Wacha. Like it or not, we'll probably be watching the Redbirds compete in October.

2. Cincinnati Reds: Owing to middle-tier hitting, good pitching, and a closer who throws nasty heat (Aroldis Chapman), the Reds should finish above .500. With a judicious eye for balls and strikes, first baseman Joey Votto excels at drawing walks, but his approach has become too passive and he doesn't drive in as many runs as the Reds need him to. Defensively, Brandon Phillips is the most dazzling second baseman in baseball, but he's not an ideal cleanup hitter. Expect Johnny Cueto and Mat Latos to collectively win 30 games.

3. Milwaukee Brewers: With face-of-the-franchise Ryan Braun set to return from a disgraceful suspension, the Brewers' lineup should produce oodles of runs. Centerfielder Carlos Gomez and shortstop Jean Segura are dynamic cornerstones with All-Star talent. Their starting pitching figures to be solid but not great. Crew fans are advised to hope new acquisition Matt Garza can stay healthy. Compared to 2013, they should have better fortune where injuries and embarrassing scandals are concerned, but if their bullpen remains as faulty, the Brewers won't contend for a Wild Card spot.

4. Pittsburgh Pirates: Though reigning MVP Andrew McCutchen is an outstanding ballplayer, don't expect the Pirates to duplicate the success they had in 2013. Outfielder Starling Marte and pitcher Gerrit Cole could soon become impact players, but overall, their roster is underwhelming and it's unlikely they'll overachieve to the degree that they did last season.

5. Chicago Cubs: The perennial slogan of the north side's lovable losers, “Wait until next year,” is sure to be bandied about by early May at Wrigley Field—only this time, the adage might be justified. The Cubs are loaded with promising prospects in their farm system. 2014, however, will be a woeful season. At the very least, they're hoping to see progress from core players such as young first baseman Anthony Rizzo, shortstop Starlin Castro (who regressed from being a feisty hit-machine to managing just a .245 batting average), and ace-by-process-of-elimination Jeff Samardzija.


NL WEST

1. Los Angeles Dodgers: The Dodgers would be a colossal disappointment if they didn't at least earn a playoff spot. Clayton Kershaw and Zack Greinke are probably the best tandem of starters in baseball. Their lineup features a handful of All-Star-caliber hitters such as Hanley Ramirez, Adrian Gonzalez, Yasiel Puig, and (if healthy) Matt Kemp. What's more, their closer Kenley Jansen won't surrender too many late-inning leads.

2. * San Francisco Giants: Not long ago, the Giants won the World Series twice in three years. They specialize in winning close games by means of great pitching, opportunistic hitting, and a stingy bullpen. Matt Cain and Madison Bumgarner highlight their rotation, Buster Posey and Hunter Pence drive in runs, and Sergio Romo saves leads.

3. Arizona Diamondbacks: If you remember no one else from this respectable yet innocuous team, don't forget the name Paul Goldschmidt. The All-Star first baseman is one of the game's most remarkable talents, but the roster around him needs to be upgraded before his D-Backs can contend.

4. Colorado Rockies: No surprises here. Basically every year, Colorado has a few great players like Troy Tulowitzki and Carlos Gonzalez who benefit from hitting in the thin air of the Rocky Mountains—where safety squeezes sometimes lead to accidental home runs—but their pitching is deplorable. Still, Tulowitzki and CarGo ought to have monster seasons.

5. San Diego Padres: With a middling lineup and unexceptional pitching, the Padres will be overmatched more often than not. On the odd chance you're looking for reasons to get jacked about the 2014 Padres, second baseman Jedd Gyorko possesses plenty of pop and shortstop Everth Cabrera may steal 40 bases.


American League East

1. New York Yankees: The Pinstripes failed to reach the playoffs last year, but they haven't fallen short of the postseason in consecutive (full) seasons since '92 and '93. To the tune of Darth Vader's dirge, the evil empire spent the winter distributing checks to high-priced free agents like catcher Brian McCann and outfielders Jacoby Ellsbury and the aging but still productive Carlos Beltran. In a truly obscene gesture to small-market teams, the Yankees then added Masahiro Tanaka, who was undefeated (24-0) in Japan last season. Holdovers CC Sabathia, Alfonso Soriano, and Derek Jeter are too old to perform at the level they once did, but still, the damn Yankees are built to win now.

2. * Tampa Bay Rays: The anti-Yankees have thrived on a modest budget by drafting and developing homegrown talent. This is especially true of their pitching staff. Matt Moore, David Price, and Alex Cobb are all in their 20s and poised to post winning records and low ERA's. Though less formidable, their offensive attack was strengthened last year by rookie outfielder Wil Myers. He figures to slug in the meat of the order along with Evan Longoria and the versatile Ben Zobrist. The embattled Heath Bell will vie to become their closer, which means their bullpen could be an issue.

3. * Boston Red Sox: Two seasons ago, everything went wrong for the Red Sox. Last season saw a total reversal of fortune that led to their third World Series title in a decade. In 2014, some middle-ground of luck should be established; they’ll be competitive but a repeat is doubtful. With Jacoby Ellsbury departed, their lineup probably won’t score as often. Second baseman Dustin Pedroia and DH David Ortiz are productive, veteran leaders and bona fide heroes of Boston sports. On the mound, Jon Lester is a legit number-one starter. Clay Buchholz is very good but brittle. Their bullpen should be sterling.

4. Baltimore Orioles: Their lineup is awesome, but their starting pitching could be too dubious to earn a playoff spot. Chris Tillman will get run support, and consequently wins, but he's not a certifiable number-one. That aforementioned awesome lineup is bolstered by outfielder Adam Jones, first baseman Chris Davis, and newly acquired Nelson Cruz—but Baltimore will have to trade some hitting in exchange for pitching before the deadline in order to reach the postseason.

5. Toronto Blue Jays: Shortstop Jose Reyes is an electrifying leadoff man and Edwin Encarnacion is a beast, but the Jays' weak pitching will surrender more runs than their potent offense can score. Their division is brutal, too.


AL CENTRAL

1. Detroit Tigers: The annual favorite in their subpar division, the Tigers have impact players as well as notable contributors both at the plate and on the mound. Offensively, they swapped Prince Fielder for second baseman Ian Kinsler—who seems motivated to prove the Tigers got the better end of the deal. Outfielders Austin Jackson and the ageless Torii Hunter get on base, score runs, and provide a little home run thump, too. They precede Miguel Cabrera, the most dangerous slugger in baseball. Starter Justin Verlander was shockingly hittable last season, while Max Scherzer was as masterful as—well, Justin Verlander. As a duo, my hunch is that they’ll have even more shared success in 2014.

2. Kansas City Royals: On the cusp of finally returning to the postseason for the first time since 1985, the Royals wisely acquired the underrated Norichika Aoki to kick-start a lineup that includes capable hitters such as Alex Gordon, Billy Butler, and Eric Hosmer. Their closer, Greg Holland, totaled 47 saves last season. Their Achilles' heel is their rotation, which becomes dicey when someone other than James Shields takes the mound.

3. Cleveland Indians: The Tribe has a decent lineup, a poor rotation, and a closer who blew too many saves the last two seasons (Brewers' castaway John Axford). In a stouter division, they might very well finish last. Jason Kipnis is emerging as an elite second baseman and Carlos Santana is a proven cleanup hitter, but the Indians sorely lack shutdown pitching.

4. Chicago White Sox: Aside from Cy Young hopeful Chris Sale, this team lacks impact players. First baseman Jose Abreu could win Rookie of the Year, but aside from that, all indications are that it will be a pitiful summer for baseball in The Windy City.

5. Minnesota Twins: With a feeble offense, substandard pitching, and prospects still in development, the Twins equate to the Cubs of the American League.


AL West

1. Texas Rangers: Postseason underachievement prompted Prince Fielder’s trade to Texas, but he should thrive in the hitter-friendly confines of Rangers Park. The team also added outfielders Shin-Soo Choo and Alex Rios via free agency, who should steal bases and plate runs batting in front of mashers like Fielder and All-Star Adrián Beltré. Japanese import Yu Darvish is a sensational young pitcher and my pick to win the AL Cy Young. The rest of Texas’ rotation is solid, but they have a much lower ceiling. Their bullpen is the Rangers’ X factor.

2. Oakland Athletics: Though their “Moneyball” approach so often leads to overachieving surprises, the A's can't match the Rangers' talent and the AL East is stacked. Therefore, I'm betting against a Wild Card berth, but outfielders Coco Crisp and Yoenes Cespedes, third baseman Josh Donaldson, and some promising young pitchers make them a team worth watching.

3. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Outfielder Mike Trout is a virtuoso of a ballplayer, but the Angels sorely need both Albert Pujols and Josh Hamilton to redeem themselves and somehow justify their insanely lucrative contracts. Pitchers Jered Weaver and C.J. Wilson provide a steady one-two punch, but after them, the Angels don't have much pitching depth.

4. Seattle Mariners: “King” Felix Hernandez may be getting a bit more run support with the addition of slugger Robinson Cano, but the Mariners still have plenty of weaknesses in their lineup. Although Hernandez could win a Cy Young and Hisashi Iwakuma is a great second- starter, Kyle Seager and Corey Hart probably won't provide Cano with a legitimate supporting cast.

5. Houston Astros: Until the team's minor league talent makes it to the show, Houston is bound to have serious problems.

World Series: Dodgers over Rangers. I mean, Dodgers over Rangers?

Foolproof Brewers Prediction: Ryan Braun will get booed viciously when the Crew play games on the road.

Musings of Great Depth...by Nick Olig

Here's my column for April. I know, it's still March. Print is slower than the Internet, OK? It's your classic turtle vs. hare dichotomy...Only there's no way in hell the turtle is going to win this time.



If you were expecting a cohesive column about a singular topic, one that flows from beginning-to-middle-to-end, I've got a surprise for you, which I am going to state delicately, without the shock value of exclamation marks or the caps lock button: April Fool's. What follows is a collection of jokes I have posted on Facebook in the last two years—some of which even seemed to be liked by other people.


When I read something I've written online or in print, the one thing that really irks me is finding a sprelling mistake.

Bad form: I just loaded grounds into the coffee-maker and then turned it on and waited--without ever filling the pot up with water. To coffee, that's got to be like dry humping.

The toughest part of getting addicted to the drink Monster-Rehab must be dealing with all that irony.

 Identity theft is no joke. Unless a guy named Frank says yes when you ask him, "Can I be frank?"

The saying goes, "Pimpin' ain't easy," and naturally, I have no idea if that is truly the case. But I'll tell you what's got to be even harder than pimpin': Finding another job when the only experience on your resume is "Pimpin'."

Rappers are a confident bunch. What if people with more common jobs were so inclined to brag? We'd constantly hear boasting like: "I am the greatest Administrative Assistant alive!" "All the other whack CNA's can't match my skills." "My face belongs on the Mount Rushmore of Data Entry Clerks!" That'd be fun.

Just once I'd like to see someone approach a van that's a-rockin', ALMOST knock on it until reading the bumper sticker, and then respectfully nod and walk away.

My town is getting roundabouts. What's next?! The metric system? Soccer riots? Are we gonna have a King, Queen, AND Jack? My mind keeps turning and turning, and the worst part is, that's exactly what the roundabouts want us to do.

If scientists ever invent hover-cars, I'm OK with that, but they'd better not also invent hover-trains, 'cause then the two would still cross paths and stop the flow of traffic all over again.

I tried searching for myself online but had no luck whatsoever. What a ripoff. That's the last time I Google-search the word "myself."

Am I perfect? No. Can I give you one example? Yes. Do I sometimes present statements as questions? You get the idea.

On the 8th day of Christmas, I start to get Christmas confused with Hanukkah.

If you're unhappy about getting a Duck Dynasty Chia Pet for Christmas, here's the worst part: You can rain down tears of disappointment on it and that son-of-a-bitch will still grow a beard.

I want to pass along to my local friends that I got a sweet Jordy Nelson jersey for Christmas. Don't be fooled by it, though! If you see some pale guy in green, with #87 on his back, and maybe he's rummaging through your fridge for taco dip and beer, relax. It's not really Jordy. It's just me.

Follow-up to a recent status: I did NOT get mistaken for Jordy Nelson while wearing his jersey on Sunday. Apparently it's obvious to people that one of us is taller and more athletic than the other--and I'll leave it to you to determine who's who. But let's just say that somebody got scolded for "Bogarting" the taco dip while someone else totaled well over a hundred receiving yards before congratulating his pal Randall Cobb for scoring the game-winning touchdown at Soldier Field and leave it at that.

Today one of my favorite Packers, Donald Driver, retired with class as the franchise's leader in receptions, while one of my favorite Cubs, Mark Grace, got sentenced to a few months in jail for drunk driving—and that's a fine example of the Packers/ Cubs fan dynamic.

Sports Center just showed extensive clips from a soccer game that ended in a scoreless tie. Really, all the anchorman had to say was, “Absolutely nothing happened,” and move on.

Movie idea: "Home Alone with Zombies." A kid wakes up to an empty house, accidentally left behind by his vacationing parents. Then the zombie apocalypse happens. The kid has to booby-trap his home and behead the monsters with paint-cans swinging from ropes and so forth. Huge laughs.

Another movie idea: "Zom-Bees." It's about these bees that die only to reanimate and sting people all over again. Oh, and on the odd chance that sounds really stupid, there'd also be a whole lot of full-frontal nudity.

They probably called it "Alien vs. Predator" instead of "Alien v. Predator" so that people would know it's a movie and not a landmark Supreme Court ruling.

(During the promotion of a 2012 Tom Cruise film.) “I know how we can discourage people from making gay jokes about you: We’ll get you to play the part of a guy named ‘JACK REACHER.’” --Tom Cruise's agent.

AMC's “Steven Seagal Week” is sure to disappoint those who think Seagal movies deserve a whole month.

I can't find quality programming this afternoon. I don't want to watch Soap Oprahs, The Opry Winfrey Show, or the Grand Ole Opera. And I'm not going to read a book 'til I get the dyslexia thing checked out.

Detroit has filed for bankruptcy. I didn't know a city could do that. It's like hearing that Boston is consolidating its student loans or the Twin Cities found out they're actually adopted.

Remember those humongous TVs that were popular just before flat-screens? In 2004, it was cool to have a 400-pound TV. People were like, "This bad boy'll be in my living room 'til the day I die. I'll NEVER have to lift it again. Woo-hoo!" And a couple years later, a group of able-bodied adults had to be rounded up to lug the humongous TV out to the front porch, where a crane moved the TV to a bulldozer that rode to the city dump.

Remember those Publisher's Clearing House commercials in which the winners were surprised at their front door by Ed McMahon holding a big check? Those checks were just props. The real ones were much, much
larger.

(Not long after the Mayan calendar incorrectly prophesized the end of the world.) To add insult to injury, in the afterlife, I’ll bet some Spanish conquistadors have been pointing and laughing at some Ancient Mayans for two days straight.

“You Only Live Once”? “YOLO”?! Hey...Try telling that to a Hindu.

If you're a huge fan of Dungeons and Dragons but you're having trouble meeting new people, I don't know, maybe scale it back a bit. Make it known that you're only into Dungeons. Or Dragons, strictly Dragons. Just a thought.

Now that I've learned "Trolling" just means to heckle people on the Internet and has nothing to do with the existence of actual trolls, I'm going to be a lot more relaxed the next time I have to cross a bridge in the woods.

I'll admit it. Sometimes I post what I consider to be a funny observation and NOBODY seems to like it. And that's a feeling like offering a high-five and being shunned, only it's happening on the Internet, which somehow makes it sadder. But I just thought of an awesome safe-guard against that kind of a letdown. I'm gonna like my own status.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I sure liked that last one.

Bashing the Bitter Cold

                                                             ^Fuck that shit.^

There are two-word phrases nobody likes to hear or read—except out of spite, perhaps. For instance, it's indisputably bad when an ATM withdrawal climaxes not with cash but with the conclusion: “Insufficient Funds.” “Incurable Illness” conveys a similar sense of devastation. “Erectile Dysfunction” is arguably worse. To those dubious pairings of words, this winter has inflicted on us a new catastrophic phrase: “Polar Vortex.”      

          Earlier this winter, my mind had a loony outburst as I fled in terror from work to my icy car in the parking lot. Sometime in late-January, during a nasty resurgence of the polar vortex, I silently cursed my ancestors for choosing to settle in Wisconsin. Admittedly, this was petty and futile. Still, the bitter thought-process I had to match the bitter cold went something like this:

          “Why, this landscape doth transform our testicles into frozen grapes,” one ancestor proclaimed. “What a marvelous sensation! And it verily passes our 'so frigid we might perish test.' Yes indeed, it's a sub-zero wasteland as far as the eye can see. I declare the Oligs to be...Wisconsinites!”

          (I'm not sure why my German lineage would speak like people in a Shakespeare play, but please, just go with it.)

          At the time of that mental outburst, I was a disgruntled prisoner of the moment. Overall, when I take a moment to recall that summer will arrive in due time, I'm thankful my ancestors fled Germany long before the Third Reich rose and then chose to inhabit the half of America that could get by without owning slaves.

          Being an American descendant of both Allies and Unionists is swell, but this Northern state we're in hardly seems habitable when we read notices from the city telling us to turn our faucets on overnight to give our pipes a fighter's chance of overcoming a depth of frost that is nearing a record of five feet.

          Under these frigid conditions, I'm faring better than others. I'm handling the cold better than the guy from The Shining, at least. Unlike him, I have yet to wield an ax and chase a kid through a chilly hedge-maze. I'm not into that. Plus I can still write stories that don't devolve into the psychotic refrain, “All work and no play make me a dull boy.” Even the especially bad winters have quirks worth appreciating on some level.

          For instance, when I got inside my car on the night of the cursed ancestors, I started the wheezing engine and then I was greeted by an oldies deejay on the radio. His typical enthusiasm was subdued as he spoke forebodings of unmerciful wind chills and temperatures so negative they were downright nihilistic. The deejay then introduced the next song. He suddenly sounded chipper.

          “Now here's Foreigner with 'Hot-Blooded!'” he chirped.

          I shivered violently beneath four layers of clothing and smiled. My blood was about as chilled as that of an Icelandic walrus, but with so many viruses floating around, I suppose I could have easily had a fever of one-hundred-and-three.

          Mark my words: This warm-themed-music-on-cold-days trend has reoccurred on oldies stations during this winter. The tires of my Honda were desperate for traction as I skidded through sleet listening to the surf-rock standard “Wipe Out.” On consecutive days that progressed from cold to colder to coldest, as I drove to work, I heard “Summer of '69,” “Hollywood Nights,” and “Caribbean Queen.”

          Side-note: What the hell is “Caribbean Queen” doing on the oldies station, anyway? Billy Ocean has no association with the golden age of rock and roll. Whoever gave the “green light” to playing Billy Ocean on an oldies station deserves to go on a cruise to Jamaica and get robbed and beaten by pirates before he gets there. 

          As of early February, still shivering with gloved hands gripping the steering wheel, I've been hearing “Kokomo” with great regularity on oldies stations. “Kokomo,” my ass, Beach Boys. I'm frozen in Wisconsin.

          For good or ill, oldies deejays are subliminally sending us hopeful yet delusional messages via their playlists, and this practice could be dangerous. They're trying to inspire us to don Hawaiian shirts, Khaki shorts and sandals, but that attire could easily give a man frost bite as he rocks out to “Surfin' USA” and approaches the limbo-stick he has misguidedly set up in his snowy backyard.

          I applaud you for spinning all of CCR's hits, oldies deejays, but I have to call bull-crap on the summer-music-in-winter diversionary tactic. Your heart may plead for Foreginer's “Hot Blooded,” but the reality is “Cold as Ice.”

          Elsewhere within the main topic, I wish meteorologists would come up with a different term for “Bitter Cold.” It just sounds so—oh, I don't know...Bitter. And clearly, exposure to such language has had an adverse effect on me. If we've got to survive temperatures far below what I have coined “Regular-Ass Cold,” here are some suggestions that are at least better than “Bitter.”

          “Witch's Teat Cold”: This is a puzzling expression. While I do understand that witches are callous and unlikely to exude emotional warmth, focusing on their teats is a bit odd. What's worse, I just pictured a tongue-stuck-to-frozen-pole sort of crisis that might happen to witch babies being nursed, and now that image is yours to cope with, too. Anyway, Witch's Teat Cold is chilly, but we so often hear in slang that the thermometer can plummet even further.

          “Scary, Even for Penguins Cold”: You'll know it's colder than a Witch's Teat when it gets to be Scary, Even for Penguins Cold. Many of us have seen them march to the nurturing sound of Morgan Freeman's all-knowing voice, and I for one got awfully peeved with Mother Nature when I watched those flightless waddlers huddled and cowered over their young during a deadly Antarctic blizzard. Scary, Even for Penguins Cold is no day at the beach, but a lot of times, when we are scared, at least we come together. When we are Bitter, however, too often we push each other away.

         

          “So Cold Some of You Will Mutate into Vile, Impolite Jerks”: At face value, this designation may seem as off-putting as “Bitter Cold,” but it's really more of a public service announcement—a reminder. I read a study which ranked Wisconsin as one of the least polite states in America, and I'm convinced the prolonged cruelty of our winters factors into that discouraging report. Honestly, I prefer coldness to the rude behavior in incites in Wisconsinites. A grudge against Jack Frost is no excuse for refusing to say simple and pleasant words like “please” and “thank you” in public places. It's human to feel powerless against the weather, but it's inhumane to ignore basic courtesy even a toddler can understand. No joke.

          OK. Now let's all stay inside and watch March of the Penguins until baseball season arrives.