Here's my column for April. I know, it's still March. Print is slower than the Internet, OK? It's your classic turtle vs. hare dichotomy...Only there's no way in hell the turtle is going to win this time.
If you were expecting a cohesive column about a singular topic, one that flows from beginning-to-middle-to-end, I've got a surprise for you, which I am going to state delicately, without the shock value of exclamation marks or the caps lock button: April Fool's. What follows is a collection of jokes I have posted on Facebook in the last two years—some of which even seemed to be liked by other people.
When I read something I've written online or in print, the one thing that really irks me is finding a sprelling mistake.
Bad form: I just loaded grounds into the coffee-maker and then turned it on and waited--without ever filling the pot up with water. To coffee, that's got to be like dry humping.
The toughest part of getting addicted to the drink Monster-Rehab must be dealing with all that irony.
Identity theft is no joke. Unless a guy named Frank says yes when you ask him, "Can I be frank?"
The saying goes, "Pimpin' ain't easy," and naturally, I have no idea if that is truly the case. But I'll tell you what's got to be even harder than pimpin': Finding another job when the only experience on your resume is "Pimpin'."
Rappers are a confident bunch. What if people with more common jobs were so inclined to brag? We'd constantly hear boasting like: "I am the greatest Administrative Assistant alive!" "All the other whack CNA's can't match my skills." "My face belongs on the Mount Rushmore of Data Entry Clerks!" That'd be fun.
Just once I'd like to see someone approach a van that's a-rockin', ALMOST knock on it until reading the bumper sticker, and then respectfully nod and walk away.
My town is getting roundabouts. What's next?! The metric system? Soccer riots? Are we gonna have a King, Queen, AND Jack? My mind keeps turning and turning, and the worst part is, that's exactly what the roundabouts want us to do.
If scientists ever invent hover-cars, I'm OK with that, but they'd better not also invent hover-trains, 'cause then the two would still cross paths and stop the flow of traffic all over again.
I tried searching for myself online but had no luck whatsoever. What a ripoff. That's the last time I Google-search the word "myself."
Am I perfect? No. Can I give you one example? Yes. Do I sometimes present statements as questions? You get the idea.
On the 8th day of Christmas, I start to get Christmas confused with Hanukkah.
If you're unhappy about getting a Duck Dynasty Chia Pet for Christmas, here's the worst part: You can rain down tears of disappointment on it and that son-of-a-bitch will still grow a beard.
I want to pass along to my local friends that I got a sweet Jordy Nelson jersey for Christmas. Don't be fooled by it, though! If you see some pale guy in green, with #87 on his back, and maybe he's rummaging through your fridge for taco dip and beer, relax. It's not really Jordy. It's just me.
Follow-up to a recent status: I did NOT get mistaken for Jordy Nelson while wearing his jersey on Sunday. Apparently it's obvious to people that one of us is taller and more athletic than the other--and I'll leave it to you to determine who's who. But let's just say that somebody got scolded for "Bogarting" the taco dip while someone else totaled well over a hundred receiving yards before congratulating his pal Randall Cobb for scoring the game-winning touchdown at Soldier Field and leave it at that.
Today one of my favorite Packers, Donald Driver, retired with class as the franchise's leader in receptions, while one of my favorite Cubs, Mark Grace, got sentenced to a few months in jail for drunk driving—and that's a fine example of the Packers/ Cubs fan dynamic.
Sports Center just showed extensive clips from a soccer game that ended in a scoreless tie. Really, all the anchorman had to say was, “Absolutely nothing happened,” and move on.
Movie idea: "Home Alone with Zombies." A kid wakes up to an empty house, accidentally left behind by his vacationing parents. Then the zombie apocalypse happens. The kid has to booby-trap his home and behead the monsters with paint-cans swinging from ropes and so forth. Huge laughs.
Another movie idea: "Zom-Bees." It's about these bees that die only to reanimate and sting people all over again. Oh, and on the odd chance that sounds really stupid, there'd also be a whole lot of full-frontal nudity.
They probably called it "Alien vs. Predator" instead of "Alien v. Predator" so that people would know it's a movie and not a landmark Supreme Court ruling.
(During the promotion of a 2012 Tom Cruise film.) “I know how we can discourage people from making gay jokes about you: We’ll get you to play the part of a guy named ‘JACK REACHER.’” --Tom Cruise's agent.
AMC's “Steven Seagal Week” is sure to disappoint those who think Seagal movies deserve a whole month.
I can't find quality programming this afternoon. I don't want to watch Soap Oprahs, The Opry Winfrey Show, or the Grand Ole Opera. And I'm not going to read a book 'til I get the dyslexia thing checked out.
Detroit has filed for bankruptcy. I didn't know a city could do that. It's like hearing that Boston is consolidating its student loans or the Twin Cities found out they're actually adopted.
Remember those humongous TVs that were popular just before flat-screens? In 2004, it was cool to have a 400-pound TV. People were like, "This bad boy'll be in my living room 'til the day I die. I'll NEVER have to lift it again. Woo-hoo!" And a couple years later, a group of able-bodied adults had to be rounded up to lug the humongous TV out to the front porch, where a crane moved the TV to a bulldozer that rode to the city dump.
Remember those Publisher's Clearing House commercials in which the winners were surprised at their front door by Ed McMahon holding a big check? Those checks were just props. The real ones were much, much
larger.
(Not long after the Mayan calendar incorrectly prophesized the end of the world.) To add insult to injury, in the afterlife, I’ll bet some Spanish conquistadors have been pointing and laughing at some Ancient Mayans for two days straight.
“You Only Live Once”? “YOLO”?! Hey...Try telling that to a Hindu.
If you're a huge fan of Dungeons and Dragons but you're having trouble meeting new people, I don't know, maybe scale it back a bit. Make it known that you're only into Dungeons. Or Dragons, strictly Dragons. Just a thought.
Now that I've learned "Trolling" just means to heckle people on the Internet and has nothing to do with the existence of actual trolls, I'm going to be a lot more relaxed the next time I have to cross a bridge in the woods.
I'll admit it. Sometimes I post what I consider to be a funny observation and NOBODY seems to like it. And that's a feeling like offering a high-five and being shunned, only it's happening on the Internet, which somehow makes it sadder. But I just thought of an awesome safe-guard against that kind of a letdown. I'm gonna like my own status.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I sure liked that last one.
No comments:
Post a Comment