Signing Cleavage, Glorious Cleavage

The man to the left has grown weary of signing cleavage all the time.

Originally printed a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Na. The college years...dedicated to my old roommates: Screech, Fonzie, and who could forget...oh, the one with the overbite and a collection of model airplanes.

When I gaze out into the vast crowd of Advance-Titan readers before me—it's astounding—there are no uglies in the entire bunch. I see some new faces, mostly freshmen, that have never toured my Wacky Factory. Due to woeful MTV programming such as Baby's First Cell Phone and Sluts on a Bus, these youngsters may very well be burdened by attention spans shorter than a Sally Struthers hunger strike. I've got to win over the freshmen immediately if I expect them to read on. The following joke ought to do the trick.

I was at the grocery store the other day.* By the entrance I saw one of those funneled coin deposits with a sign above it that read, “Your donations will help to feed animals at the local petting zoo.” I gladly donated all the change in my wallet. Let me tell you, it’s a great feeling to know that some adorable little bunny is going to choke on the quarters I donated.

Holy Ka-blamo! You've just been bit by the silly snake, freshmen. Its venom is now coursing through your veins and you won't be relieved by the antidote until I start running out of ideas in a few weeks.

Now that we're all on the winning team—aside from that prudish PETA advocate who didn't laugh—let it be stated that the following column may test your tolerance of deadpan delusions of grandeur. It features some boastful fibbing, some bawdy bluster about boobs (or hooters, to be more refined). For the record, I don't advocate sexism, but I do advocate jokes. OK?

I am frequently asked (no...begged) by my female fans to sign their cleavage with a Sharpie marker. Is the request flattering and deliciously appealing? Oh, you bet. Get right out of town if you thought I was going to say no. Truly, signing cleavage gets me closer to God. Anyone who claims that God is a man has obviously never signed 40 eager chests in one night outside of an IHOP.

But ladies, please understand, as of now, I will only sign cleavage in moderation. If you approach me and request a cleavage-signing—Golly, as awful as this seems—I may have to turn you down. And furthermore, your chances diminish when you ask me to sign the words, “BREAST wishes—Nick Olig.” This pun has become trite and it cheapens what is already a fairly cheap practice.

Now, I don't want to be branded as “unkind” or “uptight” or “latently homosexual.” It's just that I have to scale back in order to save my sanity. Sometimes it takes me half-an-hour to walk a short distance—from Reeve Union to the library, for instance—because I'm constantly getting swarmed by screeching ladies with Sharpies. For God's sake, it's like an R-rated version of A Hard Day's Night. And when I'm backed against the wall, surrounded by fawning females, it takes a great deal of will power to declare, “No, I will NOT sign your cleavages! Now please allow me safe passage to my destination.”

When I say no, I feel like a pizza boy snubbing a small village of starving Ethiopians. Yes, cleavage-signing is to horny fans as pizza is to Ethiopians. It's what the pros call an airtight analogy, freshmen.

Those throngs of Sharpie-waving women will always tempt me, but they have become stoplights that impede my busy schedule. It won't be easy, but there comes a time in every handsome celebrity's life when he must ask himself, “Which is more important: signing cleavage or punctuality?”

I'm also cutting back because I believe in the virtues of fidelity. My heart belongs to just one lady, and signing random breast—however thrilling it may be—is an act of false advertising. You're no doubt thinking, “Who is this lucky lady who basks in reciprocated love with this undersized weirdo we have all grown to tolerate from time-to-time?” Bombshell revelation: It's Scarlett Johansson—the poster, not the actual woman. But once the actual Scarlett sees how much I adore her wall-adorning counterpart, she will become wooed past the point of brain damage. As testament to my adoration for MISS (unmarried, jackpot on the horizon) Johansson's poster, I sign the image of her deceptively flat cleavage with an erasable marker every night.

Outside flirting occurs in just about every relationship, and so the occasional cleavage-signing can be tolerated. But true commitment to a poster entails sacrifice. Therefore, my strict policy is as follows: Two cleavage-signings per week is my new limit. If this policy causes some petty heartaches, that is unfortunate, but ladies, I won't apologize.

Just to clarify, the two cleavage-signings per week excludes the ones I contribute to charity. If such philanthropy strikes you as objectionable, relax, it's not like I donate cleavage-signings to the Boys and Girls' Club. I am a devout contributor to “Cleavage-Signings for a Less-Sucky Tomorrow.” On behalf of this noble group, I routinely write inspiring messages on swooning bosoms. (Editor's note: Did you just use the word “bosoms”?) These messages include include: “Nobody Likes a Tattletale" and “Help Stop Sexism.” The autographed women then carouse about town to spread the word, one tavern at a time.

But enough about one of the many ways I help to make a difference. It's embarrassing!

In closing, I'd like to reaffirm the continuation of my ass-signing policy. I still do that without qualms.




* Even the setup is a laugh riot!

Hacked by Hank

I received the following bug of spam recently. It has been quite a nuisance, and again, I'd like to express fake-apologies to those with e-mail accounts that I may have unwittingly infected with this virus.

From: Hank Williams Jr.
thesouthshallcomeagainonyourmom@hotmail.com
To: Nicholas Olig
KL5nick.olig@gmail.com
Date: 11/09/11
Subject: Be my rowdy friend!

Dear Mr. Sucker,

Hooooo-Weeeee! You've just been hacked by none other than Hank Williams Jr. Bet y'all had no idea I had so much computer know-how, but sure as hell, old Hanky-Panky's chalk full of surprises...plus I got some help from a Harvard boy I done kidnapped.

I gotta have your un-subtracted attention 'cause I got an important message for y'all. Focus them eyeballs, will ya? This hack-job ain't got nothing to do with stiffy pills or phony princes from Nigeria. I'm preachin' about the big picture stuff—the brass tacks, people.

You best be ready for some FOOTBALL!

That's right. It's no longer a question of whether or not you're ready for some football. Since I got canned by ESPN, I play by my own rules. I command you to get ready for some football. On Monday nights.

My rowdy friends, if you don't watch football on Monday nights, the terrorists win. Plain and simple. God help us, if we waver in our love of American football, we'll have a rampaging zombie Bin Laden on our hands, and Zombin Laden is gonna jabber on about Infidels and soccer right before he neck-chomps you to death. Trust me—old Hank the Tank had a graphic nightmare about it last night.

A Monday night shindig!

Damn straight. Real men throw shindigs, not parties. Couple seasons ago, yours truly got the creative urge to tweak his rowdy lyrics. Well, ESPN put the kibosh on that.

“Shindig? Why, that word is old hat. Nobody says 'shindig' anymore. Hanks but no Hanks on that idea.” That's what them ivory tower elitists done told me.

Well, now I get to call my own plays in the huddle. Good riddance, ESPN. Y'all just wanted to toss screen-passes during the two-minute drill, but old Citizens First Hank is about slingin' some bombs for big chunks of rowdy yardage. Everybody start sayin' 'shindig' in place of 'party,' will ya? Otherwise, the terrorists win. Screen-passes... Bah! The new Hank spits at that kind of a conservative offense.

Shoot. Now, don't that just beat all? Man finds himself in hot water for bashin' liberal scum, then badmouths a conservative frame of mind. Ain't that ironic? Yup, the Harvard boy just agreed with me. It's irony, all right.

Now, hold your horses if you got the audacity to consider me some kind of inhuman Gore-voter. It's only on the pigskin field that I knock conservatism. (Throw it deep, ya pansies! OK, that's enough.) Outside of the arena, liberal sympathizers are killin' this great nation. Noble countrymen like Jefferson Davis are rollin' over in their southern-dug graves pukin' and a-cussin' on account of Barack HUSSEIN Obama bein' elected commander-and-chief. And not for the reason some of you Yankees probably expect. It's not 'cause he hails from the north, all right? It's 'cause he's black.

I stand by the righteous comments I made on Fox and Friends. Because he played a two-on-two golf match with Republicans, you best believe Obama is like Hitler. That comparison is totally legit, my Hankamaniacs. For your information, my would-be doubters, during WW2, Hitler routinely paired with FDR—another lousy democrat—in golf games against the likes of that filthy Brit Churchill and Mussolini. Trust me. It happened. Old “You Hank My Battleship” had a dream about that, too. Then Hitler chipped in a birdie on a par-5 and it turned into another nightmare.

Folks who criticize me for what I done said on FOX News are no better than the yahoos who cheered on the nut-job that shot a hole in Ronald Reagan. “Shoot him a new one, Hinckley!” they shouted, those left-wing bottom-feeders.

Now that I'm flying solo, I can snitch 'bout some of Monday Night Football's darkest secrets. I'll bet you didn't know ESPN let old Hankonia pick the sleight of games for this season. Most of the time, I chose the match-ups based on the rhyme scheme offered by the two teams. If they tripped the trigger of my inner artist, hell, I ran with it.

Welcome to the grand-daddy of Monday night shams/ Get ready and rowdy for the Seahawks and Rams!

Those lyrics just seemed to pour out of my pen when I gazed upon the pairings of week 14. Since ESPN kicked me off the team, though, y'all are doomed to watch two rosters of human garbage struggle to kick more field-goals than their equally chump-plagued opponents, and your rowdy friend here won't even be on TV beforehand to give those eardrums a sonic shot of Jim Beam. What a pity.

We got Hank, and Harvard boy, and a gun...We're gonna get it kick-started!

Oh, yeah. No more kowtowin' to those pinhead announcers in my epic intro to Monday Night Football. No more “shout-outs,” as the urban street-toughs call it. No one can stop me from yappin' to y'all 'bout the time I walked in on Ron Jaworski diddlin' himself in the film room as he ogled that fella Rodgers pickin' apart the Steelers' defense in the Super Bowl. Heh, heh. As such, my new single, “Starin' at Aaron” will be released on the I-Tunes doodad later this month.

Don't wander far from your computer in the following weeks, Hankamaniacs, 'cause Bocephus here will be keepin' y'all abreast of a crap-ton of dirt on Hussein Obama and ESPN, as well as Bill Clinton's covert plans to install the frozen-brains of deceased Kennedys into massive, steel constructs known as “Liberalbots.”

And bare this in mind, y'all, if you report me to the authorities, so help me God, the terrorists win.

The Simpsons Script 3

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

EXT. PHONE BOOTH

The conversation resumes. Homer concludes his appeal to Krusty.

HOMER: So, how 'bout it, Krusty? I need this date real bad.

INT. KRUSTY'S MANSION

The harlequin pinches the bridge of his nose and shakes his head.

KRUSTY: Look, pal. Tinseltown broads ain't all they're cracked up to be. Aside from their pretty faces, gaudy mansions, irresistible perfumes, flawless figures, supple curves, (GETTING AMOROUS) velvet panties as smooth as scotch on the rocks...

He convulses out of his lusty stupor and regains his intent.

KRUSTY (CONT'D): OK, let me put it this way. Last night you said that you and the old ball-and-chain had something special. Do you really want to risk that just to boost your lousy lifetime total with dames?

EXT. PHONE BOOTH

Homer: What? No, I'd never cheat on Marge. I just want to stage a mock date with some important strangers so I can put the guy who deflowered my wife in his place. Is that so hard to understand?

INT. KRUSTY'S MANSION

A flabbergasted Krusty lunges forward on his seat.

KRUSTY: Yes, I barely know you! Forget it, tubs. I'm not doing it.

EXT. PHONE BOOTH

With determined ire, Homer points a finger at the phone receiver as he retaliates.

HOMER: Oh, yes you are! Otherwise, the tabloids are going to hear about your “close call with David Bowie.”

INT. KRUSTY'S MANSION

Embarrassed, blackmailed and well aware of it, KRUSTY slaps his palm against his forehead.

KRUSTY: Aw, come on—don't let that haunt me! It was a hazy night. Let's just say I had too much of the Ziggy Stardust.

EXT. PHONE BOOTH

Homer's eyes narrow like that of a hunter one trigger-squeeze away from the kill.

HOMER: Are you going to do it or not?

INT. KRUSTY'S MANSION

Waylaid by treachery, Krusty's bones seem to turn to jelly as he slouches deep into his expensive couch.

KRUSTY: All right. Fine. I'm trying to squirm out of other plans I got, anyway.

HOMER: (OVER THE PHONE) Woo-hoo!

Krusty slams the receiver back onto its perch.

KRUSTY: Ah...”woo-hoo” yourself, ya yutz.

With embattled resolve, he picks up the phone and dials.

KRUSTY: (CONT'D) Hey, hey. It's Krusty. Now, I know the show starts in a few hours, but I gotta cancel, all right? (BEAT TO LISTEN) Aw, lighten up, will ya? I got someone to cover for me.

INT. SOLD-OUT ARENA – EVENING

With frenetic splendor, spotlights scroll across an expansive stage. A thunderous and captivating drum roll cues.

ANNOUNCER: (O.S.) Live from Radio City Music Hall, it's the Tony Awards! And now, tonight's host: Kruuussstttyyy the Klooowwwnnn...'s obscure sidekick, Sideshow Mel!

The distinguished look of Mel's tuxedo is offset by the bone protruding through his hairdo. The crowd grovels haughtily at the sight of him.

SIDESHOW MEL: Friends, Romans, and countrymen, I wish to earn your esteem with a one-man rendition of the entire third act from Shakespeare's Othello.

INSERT:

OFFSTAGE

The show's DIRECTOR eyes a nearby STAGEHAND and swipes his hand across his neck in a cutting gesture. The stagehand nods and grabs a bucket labeled “Weasel Guts.”

INT. SIMPSONS' BEDROOM

Hours after his foray to Stu's Disco and the Casa Nova, Homer stands and fidgets in front of the dresser-mirror, adjusting his tie without poise or precision.

MARGE: Hi, Homey.

HOMER: Marge.

MARGE: (BEAT) Are you still upset?

HOMER: (WOODEN) I'll feel better about the whole thing soon.

Marge advances with a mix of hesitance and love. She wraps her arms around Homer's robust waist and forces affection.

MARGE: Where are you going dressed up looking so handsome?

HOMER: Uh, I'll be heading out with the guys to a...seedy gentleman's club—er, to protest the...objectionizing of...you know, female sex objects.

MARGE: Ah-ha. Well. Are you sure you don't want to stay in tonight? I rented your favorite movie, The Apes of Wrath. And afterward, I could blare some Grand Funk so the kids won't hear us--

HOMER: (FLUSTERED) Eh, I gotta go.

He shuffles past his wife and ignobly exits the room.

CLOSE-UP

MARGE: (SIGHS) Goodbye, Homer.

EXT. PLANET HYPE PARKING LOT

Beneath a behemoth sign, the slogan of the restaurant reads: “Where the food costs as much as the stuff on the walls!” Homer parks his car and walks toward the entrance. He spots a nerve-addled Krusty puffing on a cigarette beside his Bentley.

HOMER: Hey, Krusty. Thanks for doing this for me.

KRUSTY: Shut up. Now, I gotta level with you, tubs: my networking skills ain't what they used to be. A lot of the famous broads in the old Rolodex are either too uppity all of a sudden or married to Kurt Russell.

HOMER: So, what are you saying?

The entrance to the restaurant swings open and two classless, haggard bimbos—D'ARCY and CHANDRA—stagger outside.

CHANDRA: Krusty, what gives? We've already purged our salads and now we're hungry for dinner.

KRUSTY: (MUSTERING TACT) Ladies, I'd like you to meet my dear friend Honus.

HOMER: Homer.

KRUSTY: If you say so, guy. Now, say hello to Chandra and D'arcy. They'll be our dates tonight, barring a timely fire alarm or apocalypse. We'll be inside in a second, babe.

CHANDRA: All right. (TO D'ARCY) Come on, let's go schmooze with Keanu Reeves some more.

KRUSTY: Aw, for the last time, that's just a freakin' wax sculpture!

Oblivious, the two women reenter the restaurant. Krusty viciously snares Homer by the necktie.

KRUSTY: Dibs on the one with less cold sores!

Homer nods cowardly.

INT. PLANET HYPE

Chandra and D'arcy linger in front of what appears to be a replica of Neo from The Matrix. Feigning a thoughtless mishap, D'arcy drops her purse.

D'ARCY: Oops. Clumsy me. I dropped my purse again.

She bends over to pick it up and brandishes her backside to the motionless figure.

Homer and Krusty enter the lobby.

KRUSTY: All right. Let's get a stinkin' table already.

As Homer drudges past the (apparent) sculpture, on accident, he steps stomps on its leather shoes. The figure flinches with a jolt of pain.

KEANU: Ouch! Watch where you're stepping, dude.

Krusty walks by and quips.

KRUSTY: Well, I'll be damned.

Keanu resumes his stoic pose and the quartet moves off-screen.

INT. PLANET HYPE – A SHORT TIME LATER

The unlikely quartet sit at a table. D'arcy and Chandra fawn and lean longingly toward Krusty as they ignore Homer.

CHANDRA: So, Krusty, can you still get me that guest spot on Mr. Belvedere that you promised me?

KRUSTY: Uh...maybe I could pull some strings. (EAGER TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT) Hey ladies, did you know my buddy Homer over here once supplied the voice of some talking dog on Itchy & Scratchy? Not too shabby, eh?

Nonplussed, D'arcy and Chandra gaze at Homer, who forces a wide grin and meekly offers two turned-up thumbs.

D'ARCY: Voice actor on a cartoon? Oh, my dear—how low can one go? Well, at least you weren't one of the writers.

Following a terse shudder, she cackles along with Chandra. Homer hangs his head as Disco Stu struts to their table.

STU: How may Disco Stu serve you?

HOMER: (REVIVED) Well, if it isn't the waiter—the humble servant who scrapes by on minimum wage in a field dominated by women. I'm Homer Simpson, the swinging husband of a blue-haired lady named Marge that you may or may not know. Say bonjour to my acquaintances, D'arcy and Chandra, and mind you, they're actresses.

With tentative vigor, Homer throws his arm around D'arcy. She promptly rebuffs his gesture.

STU: Actresses, eh? That's nice. What have I seen you in?

CHANDRA: Benny Hill chased me around a tree back in '79.

D'ARCY: I made an appearance on Cops just last week.

Stu points to D'arcy, cocking his head in recognition.

STU: Meth bust, right?

D'ARCY: You know it!

STU: Out of sight. Hey, that cop had no right to search you like that, doll-face. And if you don't mind me sayin', you looked pretty chic in that grass-stained tank top.

D'ARCY: Well, aren't you a sweetheart? Handsome, too. I wish all men your age had thick hair like you.

Reeling from this passive-aggressive jab, Homer leaks sweat and fidgets.

HOMER: Um, anyway, you might also recognize a dear friend of mine—none other than Krusty the Klown.

STU: Yeah, yeah. I hate kids and everything they like.

KRUSTY: I respect that.

STU: Now, would you care to order first, babe?

D'ARCY: I'll have three low-carb croutons and a pitcher of vodka screwdriver.

STU: Ah, the “Lindsay Lohan.” Excellent choice.

CHANDRA: Same.

STU: OK. (TO MEN) And I'll be back for your orders after my smoke break.

As Stu strolls away, D'arcy slaps him on the butt.

INT. PLANET HYPE – LATER

The burned-out starlets are hammered and giggling for no apparent reason. Homer is atypically sober and long detached from human interaction.

CHANDRA: Krusty, you wanna know what I think? 'Cause I'm gonna tell ya. I think we should do this again sometime. How about next Friday?

KRUSTY: Ooh. Next Friday's no good. That's the—uh--Jewish holiday of Rokmoklahavven. Can't do it. (TO HOMER) Hey, fatty, you up for dessert?

With the posture of a dejected primate, Homer stands up.

HOMER: No, that's all right. I think I'll just leave. I lost my appetite, anyway.

On his way to the exit, though, he pilfers some spare ribs off of a deserted plate and starts to nibble on them morosely.

D'ARCY: Hey, what ever happened to that cute waiter?

With that, she leaves the table. A moment later, Chandra follows suit. Krusty looks around at the vacated table in a vacated restaurant and takes a long swig from his drink.

KRUSTY: (EMOTIONLESS) Alone at last.

EXT. PLANET HYPE PARKING LOT – MOMENTS LATER

With sunken eyes gazing down on his leather shoes, Homer flings the meatless ribs over his shoulder.

CHANDRA: Big Kojak! Wait a second.

HOMER: What do you want?

CHANDRA: (BEAT) Someplace new to have the bed-spins.

Before he can ward her off, Homer is ambushed by a desperate embrace. He struggles away from her.

HOMER: Get away from me, you floozy!

CHANDRA: Floozy?! Hey, you're the one who wanted this date. Loser.

HOMER: I only wanted this date so that I could humiliate that jerk-of-a-waiter the way he humiliated me. But I just made a fool of myself. I could be home with my loving wife—making lucky number 3,407. Or at least be joining the five-timers club watching The Apes of Wrath, but nooo, instead I'm here, telling you to get lost.

Upon completion of his rant, Homer notices that Chandra has nodded off—still standing, remarkably.

Homer presses on a few more paces back to his car. He gets inside.

INT. HOMER'S CAR

CLOSE-UP ON HOMER

MARGE: (O.S.) I couldn't have said it better myself.

Mortified, Homer whirls around to see his wife sitting in the backseat.

HOMER: (FLUSTERED) Marge! What are you doing here? Oh God, I can explain--

MARGE: (ANGRY) I think you just did--to your tipsy friend out there. I know how jealous you can get, Homer, so I tailed you on your little stalking escapade. This is one of the most petty, conniving, despicable--

HOMER: Whatever word you're going to say next, I'm sure I deserve it, but I swear on our children that I never wanted to lay a finger on that woman. Marge, I can't believe you slept with that guy. It seems so wrong, and now I don't know if things can ever be the same again between you and me.

MARGE: (SIGHS DEEPLY) Homer, when I first met that man—that boy—he was popular and hip--and I was naive. He worked his charm and I made a mistake and then he broke my heart. You remember senior prom the next year? I went with that weasel Artie Ziff, and when he turned out to be just like Stu, I spent a short time convinced that I'd never find a man who respected me. I was wrong, though. On the ride home that night, I picked up a man who sees me as the only one worth counting. And that makes a girl feel special.

The two share a tender smile.

MARGE: (CONT'D) So, even though Stu was the first, he certainly wasn't the best.

HOMER: (ABRUPT) Woo-hoo! You mean I'm bigger than he was?

MARGE: (IRKED BUT MANAGING) Homer...yes. But that's not at all what this whole thing is about.

HOMER: (EYES DARTING, DISINGENUOUS) No...of course not...(BEAT) Anyway, I've had enough crazy bullcrap for one day. Let's go home, sweetie.

Marge leans in and bats her eyelashes seductively.

MARGE: Well, that's an idea, but you know, even though high school was lonely for you, you're never too old to have some fun in the backseat of a car.

Delighted by the invite, Homer crawls to Marge. As he wriggles his duff between the front seats, he moans.

HOMER: (HUNGRILY) Mmmmm...Number three-thousand, four-hundred and seven...

EXT. PLANET HYPE PARKING LOT

The perspective shifts to the far end of the lot, where Disco Stu is spying on Mr. and Mrs. Simpson through a pair of binoculars. The eyepieces are bordered by pink, glittering stars reminiscent of Elton John's sunglasses. A single tear plummets down the cheek of Disco Stu.

STU: Disco Stu never knew love could be so sweet.

D'ARCY pops her head up from his lap and leers out the front windshield.

D'ARCY: What could be so sweet?

All traces of romance and decency vanish and Disco Stu reverts to his true self.

STU: No use trying to buckle me in/ 'Cause Disco Stu is ready to sin.

FADE OUT.

THE END.

The Simpsons Script 2 and a Half

ACT TWO (CONT'D)

INT. HOMER'S CAR – MOMENTS LATER

Homer strangles the steering wheel and grimaces; he is as anguished as a madman in a straight-jacket with a fly crawling on his face.

INSERT:

A thought balloon appears above his head.

He pictures teenage STU nuzzling up to teenage Marge. As homage to Freddy Mercury, Stu wears a gaudy leather ensemble that barely covers his nipples and shows his chest hair and belly-button.

STU: Baby, my love is true/ So don't look for someone new/ 'Cause the only one for you/ Is your man Glam-Rock Stu.

Won over and smitten, Marge smooches him on the lips and then tends tenderly to Stu's neck. As she does so, he reaches behind her and grins at the notepad in his hand. The opened page is titled, “Words that Rhyme with Stu.” Several appropriate words have been scribbled beneath the heading.

STU: (TO SELF) Heh, heh. Never fails.

Homer's thought bubble goes poof. He bashes the steering wheel and exerts a primal and furious growl.

EXT. STU'S DISCO PARKING LOT- MOMENTS LATER

Homer's sedan screeches to a halt across two parking spots.

INT. STU'S DISCO

The club is vacant except for a MUSTACHED MAN who sweeps the dance floor, which is littered with confetti, long spoons, and rolled-up dollar bills. Homer barges through the entrance.

MUSTACHED MAN: (CHARLES BRONSON VOICE) Hey, not so fast, KC and the Stout-Sized Waist Band. The place don't open 'til five.

HOMER: Can the insulting disco-puns, wise guy. I need to speak to the manager.

MUSTACHED MAN: Well, you just did, paly-boy. Will that be all then?

HOMER: What are you talking about? Where's Disco Stu?

MUSTACHED MAN: Ooh. Well, Stu made some shoddy investments. He financed a Monkey Dancing League that went bankrupt in two weeks. He was up to his sunglasses in debt, so he sold me this dump for ten-grand and a Carl Douglas Greatest Hits album. “Kung Fu Fighting” is the only song on the entire friggin' record. Still, that was the deal-breaker.

HOMER: Well, why is this place still called Stu's Disco? Why not name it after yourself?

MUSTACHED MAN: (DEADPAN) Hey, swell idea. “Adolf's Disco.” It's got a nice ring to it. (BEAT) Look, if you really want to track him down, he's got an apartment at the Casa Nova.

HOMER: (WOODEN) Thanks.

MUSTACHED MAN: (CALLING) And tell him those monkeys in the basement aren't gonna drive themselves to rehab, will ya?!

EXT. CASA NOVA APT. COMPLEX PARKING LOT – LATER

Stu's rusted jalopy approaches a parking spot. Its muffler drags on the cement. He is (naturally) grooving to disco music. The tunes cease as he transfers the cassette from the tape deck to a boombox on the passenger's seat, and then the tunes resume. Clad in the uniform of a Planet Hype waiter, Stu exits his car and boogies all the way to the entrance with the boom-box perched on his shoulder.

From the shrubby fringes of the lot, Homer spreads apart two bushes to reveal his obsessive stare.

He prowls along the side of the building. He gazes at the rickety porches of the dwellings on the second floor and sneaks past three dumpsters of increasing size. They're labeled: “Recyclables,” “Trash,” and “Outdated Porn.” Homer closes the lid on this third dumpster and uses it as a platform to aid his strenuous climb up to Stu's porch.

INSERT:

From inside the dumpster, Moe thrusts open the lid and shakes an angry fist at Homer.

MOE: Hey, I'm scroungin' down here! Do ya mind?

INT. STU'S APT.

Stu's place is squalid and dimly lit. Homer can be seen through the sliding glass doors, peering discreetly. The front door opens and Stu steps in. Still abuzz with swagger, he does the splits and flips on the light switch as he springs back to his feet. He then slams the door shut at the halfway point of a 360-degree spin.

Once the door is closed, however, his posture sags and he thumb-punches the STOP button. Suddenly silent and haggard, he looks down gloomily.

EXT. STU'S PORCH

Squatting like a catcher expecting a pitch off the plate, Homer grovels, beset by envy and delusions.

HOMER: Stupid big shot can't tear his eyes away from his faaaancy leather shoes.

INT. STU'S APT.

STU: Disco Stu needs a Hot Pocket and a cologne bath.

He mopes into the kitchen, snags a Hot Pocket from the barren freezer, and opens the door of the microwave. He yanks out the dirty laundry stored inside and tosses the heap onto the carpet.

EXT. STU'S PORCH

HOMER: (AWED) Great dancer, renowned lover, and gourmet chef?

INT. STU'S APT.

As the microwave hums, Stu plops down on a lawn chair in the living room. Remote in hand, he flips on the TV.

KENT BROCKMAN: (O.S.) Tonight on Smartline, the collapse of the Monkey Dancing League has led to an outbreak of drug addiction in Springfield's once-proud primate community. Channel 6 anchor Scott Christian is live outside of Stu's Disco with more on the story...

Stu turns off the TV and buries his careworn face in his hands.

STU: Oh...Stayin' Alive just ain't what it used to be...

Someone knocks urgently at his door.

STU: (HUSHED) Crap! That's either the landlord or the cops.

The microwave beeps and Stu—overcome with panic—hushes it from afar. He grabs a pillow case strewn on the carpet and starts to shovel records and discarded clothes (a rhinestone codpiece included) inside it. He rushes over to the microwave and snares his Hot Pocket before escaping toward the porch, where Homer slinks anxiously out of view. Stu is halted in his tracks by a resounding call from the hallway. It's KIRK VAN HOUTEN.

KIRK: (O.S.) Hey, it's me—uh, Kirk! Are you in there, Stu?

His composure regained, Stu sighs and backtracks toward the door. He opens it.

STU: That's Disco Stu to you.

KIRK: Sorry. Listen, could you be a pal and work my shift at Planet Hype tonight?

Stu reaches into the pillow case, extracts the steaming Hot Pocket, and boldly munches on it.

STU: Among other things, working a double shift is beneath Disco Stu.

KIRK: Aw, come on. Milhouse is in the hospital with third-degree Indian burns on his forearm. (BEAT) Look, if you don't cover my tables tonight, I'll tell the boss you're the one who stole the Travolta codpiece from his wax statue.

Stu's shades droop to reveal eyes that dart fretfully like a trapped animal. He adjusts his sunglasses, lets out a timid cough, and conceals the pillow case with the codpiece stuffed inside behind his back.

STU: That codpiece could be anywhere but inside my pillow case. (SIGHS) Fair enough. You've found my one weakness: kleptomania, coupled with compulsive lying and a lousy work ethic. Plus I have a drug problem. You leave me no choice but to say yes, Kirk.

KIRK: Call me Mr. Van Houten!

STU: (FEEBLE) Yes, Mr. Van Houten.

KIRK: (GASPS) My God! That actually worked? What a breakthrough for my manhood...

Disgusted by both Kirk and himself, Stu slams the door shut.

EXT. STU'S PORCH

His eyes aglow with shifty mischief, Homer strokes his chin.

HOMER: So...Disco Stooge will be waiting tables at a classy restaurant, eh? This give me an idea. Heh, heh.

He begins his descent from the perch of the second floor porch.

Beneath Homer's dangling legs, Moe hasn't gone anywhere; he gapes lewdly at a dirty magazine inside the dumpster.

MOE: Ho, ho, the mother load! Probably 18 magazine. I can't believe they still print this. Oh, somebody up there likes me.

Unwittingly, Homer's foot kicks the upraised lid of the dumpster. The lid teeters and crashes down with great force on Moe's head. Homer lands safely on the platform, oblivious to Moe's concussion.

EXT. NEARBY PHONE BOOTH – A BIT LATER

Homer studies the digits scrawled on the napkin he took home last night. He dials the number of Krusty the Klown.

INT. KRUSTY'S MANSION – CONTINUOUS

Draped in a bathrobe as he lounges on an extravagant couch, Krusty sips on a highball glass. He's watching TV but doesn't seem like he's enjoying it.

KRUSTY: Buy a vowel, you moron!

GAME SHOW HOST: (O.S.) Survey says?

A buzzer razzes on TV to indicate a wrong answer.

KRUSTY: Ah, the poor schmucks just don't want to listen...

The nearby phone rings and Krusty answers it.

EXT. PHONE BOOTH

Plagued with doubts, Homer's fingers coil and twist the cord connected to the receiver.

HOMER: Um, Krusty? Hi. This is Homer. Homer Simpson. I got your number from a bar last night? Remember that?

KRUSTY: Yeah, I guess so...the fat, chrome-domed sex-o-phobe, right?

EXT. PHONE BOOTH

Homer's shoulders go slack with relief.

HOMER: (FLATTERED) Aw...you do remember. Listen, I need a favor. A double date. You, me, and two of the glitziest, prettiest, fake-boobiest women you can find.

An operatic dirge of grim foreshadowing plays.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

The Simpsons Script 2

Pretty soon here I'll be presenting the second installment of a TV script I wrote in college. Consult the title above if you're unsure of which show it was. Read the words below as long as you're not likely to cuss me out for misplacing (or losing?) the pages (or floppy disk?) that includes the latter half of the episode I conceived when I was 21. If you're the optimistic type, know that I'm pretty obsessive about saving all my creative crap, and so another tortuous round of digging through desk drawers just might yield the missing pieces.


ACT TWO

FADE IN:

EXT. SIMPSONS' HOUSE – MORNING

INT. BEDROOM

Homer is still passed out on the carpet with his pants around his ankles. He drools and fidgets, in the throes of a bad dream.

HOMER'S DREAM

Hundreds of TEENAGERS in bell-bottoms are gathered at a fair. A banner by the entrance reads “Class of '74 Carnival.” The viewpoint PANS past a Ferris wheel and a dunk tank to focus on the entrance of a funhouse, where JOHN TRAVOLTA pleads with OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN. Their attire matches what they wore in the climax of Grease.

TRAVOLTA: Aw, jeez! What do I gotta do to prove I'm crazy about you? Should I improvise a big song and dance number?

INT. BEDROOM

In response to the question posed in his dream, Homer winces and shakes his head.

HOMER: (MOANS) Nooooooo...

HOMER'S DREAM

A lone dark cloud appears in the sky above Travolta. The cloud unleashes a bolt of lightning, incinerates him, and then vanishes.

INT. BEDROOM

Sleeping Homer smiles with relief.

HOMER'S DREAM

Beside the funhouse, TEENAGE Homer stands next in line for a booth marked “KISSES: ONE DOLLAR.” A PRETTY GIRL poses behind the counter.

TEENAGE HOMER: (TO SELF) Oh baby, this is going to be the best dollar I ever spent.

Repulsed by the sight of Homer, the pretty girl hangs a sign that reads “Closed for Repairs.” She rummages through her purse for makeup and a hand-mirror and then slowly applies lipstick. Homer is dejected.

TEENAGE HOMER: (HANGS HEAD) Oh...

He walks away.

The viewpoint PANS to a nearby booth marked “Premarital Sex: Fifty Cents.” Clad in a skimpy skirt, TEENAGE MARGE poses behind the counter. At the front of the very long line, TEENAGE LENNY digs into his pockets.

TEENAGE LENNY: Aw, nuts. All I got is a quarter.

TEENAGE MARGE: Eh. No biggie. I'll just start you a tab.

She grabs Lenny's hand and ushers him into a rickety and unromantic shack.

INT. BEDROOM

Homer returns to consciousness in a wild and terrified fit. Sticky with sweat, he clutches the two hairs atop his head.

HOMER: (BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM)

INT. SIMPSONS' KITCHEN – MOMENTS LATER

Marge tends to dishes in the sink, her sullen eyes fixed on a plate she scrubs with numb repetitions. Homer barges up to her, berating and pleading.

HOMER: How could you, Marge?

MARGE: Homer—

HOMER: Homer nothing! We've been married since Lisa was a bun in your oven...

MARGE: Actually, I was pregnant with Bart.

HOMER: Don't interrupt me when I'm too mad to fuss over details! All these years, you've lied to me.

MARGE: Lied to you? You never asked!

HOMER: Yeah? Well, I've never asked my dad if he loves me, but that doesn't mean I'm not dying to know.

Having overheard, GRAMPA enters the kitchen, feeling sentimental.

GRAMPA: Son, of course I--

HOMER: Put a sock in it, old man.

GRAMPA: (CHIPPER) Well, that's a load off. See you at Thanksgiving.

He leaves.

HOMER: Who was he? Who was your first?

MARGE: Oh, Homey, it was so long ago. What does it matter?

HOMER: It matter because the only pure thing in my life has been dragged through the mud.

MARGE: Dragged through the-- (beat) I'm the exact same person--

HOMER: It matters because I can't stand the thought of another man's hands running through your puffy blue hair.

MARGE: (EMBARASSED) Homer, please. Don't be so vulgar. And after all, it was the '70s.

Homer slaps his forehead and points to the tall perm atop Marge's head.

HOMER: I meant that hair!

Having sunk to a new horror of embarrassment, Marge peers at the kitchen tiles.

MARGE: (beat) Oh.

HOMER: Who was he?

MARGE: (SIGHS) I met him when we were juniors in high school. He was kind of a fanatic about Elton John and Queen, so he dubbed himself “Glam Rock Stu.”

HOMER: (SKEPTICAL) “Glam Rock Stu?”

MARGE: Right. Only, ever since he got caught up in the Saturday Night Fever fever, he changed the first part to “Disco.”

HOMER: So slept with a guy named “Disco Glam Rock”? What the hell kind of a name is that?

MARGE: No, no. You've got first part/ last part confusion. See, when the second type of music became more popular than the first type...

HOMER: Aw, would you please just tell me the guy's name, Marge?

MARGE: Disco Stu! That's what he calls himself now. The sleazy weirdo with the dead fish in his platform shoes! I slept with him. He tricked me into loving him and I've never stopped regretting it. There. Are you happy now?!

HOMER: (SINISTER) Delighted.

He storms out of the room, past his children. Seated at the kitchen table, Maggie is glum and Lisa is aghast, but Bart finishes the last of his orange juice and sets the glass down, reposed and detached.

BART: (BELCHES) Mom. Refill!


NEXT SCENE(s)...Overcome with jealousy, Homer tracks down Disco Stu-- whom, I seem to recall, waits tables at Planet Hype and lives at the same apartment complex as Milhouse's dad. Krusty returns to the storyline. Homer blackmails him into his scheme of vengeance that blunders but leads to catharsis.

Let the search resume. Sigh.

NICK: Such a pain in the ass, this writing business.

Founder of "Wiccapedia" Burned at the Stakes

This phony news story was written for the Halloween issue of the Advance-Titan in 2006. The main reason why I'm posting it (five years later) is because it seems like a timely and faintly relevant piece to read in late October.


Since its formal inception in 2001, Wikipedia has risen to prominence as one of the most visited sites on the internet. Wikipedia serves as a vast electronic encyclopedia, providing users with information on everything from Abolitionism to ZZ Top.

The site has been subjected to criticism, however, due to its tendency to post faulty information from dubious sources. Most recently, the town of Salem, Massachusetts, has targeted Wikipedia-founder Jimmy Wales and charged him with affiliation to the pagan religion of Wicca.

Dressed in a puritanical black and white suit, Salem mayor William Goodyfellow spoke gravely of the website and its creator.

"Methinks this 'Wiccapedia' temptation that dwells inside the heathen's sin machine (computer) brings ignominy and damnation to its patrons. On behalf of the Almighty, I beseech all 'Wiccapedia' worshipers to repent!"

The controversy was ignited when a group of teenage girls was discovered by a concerned, torch-bearing mother deep in the woods which outskirt Salem. Under cover of a pup tent, the girls were found using a battery-powered laptop to explore Wikipedia entries. Although the youngsters weren't on the hunt for occult material-- but rather, searching for the astrological sign of Fez from That 70's Show-- the mother, Goody Miller, became hysterical when she learned the name of the website in question.

When Goody Miller relayed her account to the community, a town meeting was assembled at once. In a unanimous decision, it was agreed that Wikipedia creator Jimmy Wales must be kidnapped and put on trial as a "Witch-master." As a precautionary measure, attendees also concluded it was prudent to capture and drown Fez from That 70's Show-an aside barely worth noting.

Tightly fastened to a stake surrounded by a wide ring of hay, kindling, and computers, Wales spat the gag out of his mouth long enough to offer his testimony.

"Not since the kidnapping of Charles Augustus Lindbergh III on March 1, 1932, has an abduction been this noteworthy and shocking!" Wales assessed. "If somebody doesn't get a hold of my lawyer, I'll be engulfed in flames—much like the city of Chicago on October 8th of 1871."

The town of Salem has a brutal history of punishing those suspected of heresy without just cause or rationale. With righteous bluster, Mayor Goodfellow asserted that one cannot spell "Wikipedia" without the word "Wicca." When questioned about his error in rationale, the mayor's eyes became inflamed like the cinders that surround the lake of fire.

"Logic and reason be the traits of the Antichrist," said Goodyfellow. He then dusted off his hands, leaned back in his parlor chair, and grinned with immense self-satisfaction that bordered on the sin of pride.

The vindictive puritans relished the sight of the flames advancing toward a doomed and manacled Wales. His last words are chronicled below.

"You fools! I'm being persecuted on the basis of a thinly premised non sequitur—remotely reminiscent of the Seinfeld episode in which Kramer incurs the ire of The Van Buren Boys by inadvertently flashing their gang sign.

“Golly, I'm going to miss Seinfeld,” he added, ablaze and anguished. “It was so much funnier than That 70's Show...Pfft! What a shitty excuse for comedy.”

The Timecrowave Infomercial

Gather 'round, both of you. Nick is poised to preface another script from his past that he rediscovered in a desk drawer.

I spent much of the summer of '09 in Chicago, enrolled in a class at the Second City and writing scripts for a nascent webisode series called The Furries. A reductive description is along the lines of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia meets Aqua Teen Hunger Force. The premise was that a sleazy, ruined banker named Brendan lost his job and wife in the wake of the previous year's economic crisis. Forced to his rent-out his once-lavish apartment in order to make ends meet, three creatures move in—a squirrel, a bunny, and a bear. It remained a mystery, by design, whether they were humans in costumes or anthropomorphic animals.

The Furries had their own names, traits, and quirks, of course, but for my first treatment, I opted to focus on Brendan. He struck me as an embittered and remorseful character who would like nothing more than to relive his past in order to rectify the poor decisions he made. In a comedy with fantastical, sci-fi leanings, the ideal storyline for him involved time travel, naturally.

The ongoing, morbid gag, however, was that Brendan was doomed, that he could never overcome his past transgressions and return to the cushy lifestyle he once knew. Minus the charming mystery and redeeming qualities, I thought of Brendan as a socialite with swagger like Jay Gatspy who devolved into a slovenly loser like Al Bundy; his fate wasn't the sparsely attended funeral of Gatspy but rather a life of continual failure—and that was that.

With themes of dystopian technology and cruel fatalism, I decided that he should purchase a faulty time-machine from a shyster named Handsome Randy Carp—a kind of devil in disguise who behaved, yammered, and dressed like a smooth-peddling radio magnate from the 1920s. It was a fun challenge to write lines befitting of a sinister shill who makes esoteric references in outdated language.

The script went over well, long before the project petered out (as far as I know). The creator of the show—an eccentric 40-ish man with penchants for compassion and grandeur—asked me to write an infomercial to tie in with the story—a mock-promotion for the helmet-like device that made voyages to the past possible, The Timecrowave.*

I said yes and here it is.

###

EXT. BACK ALLEY – DAY

FRED carries a large disposal bag marked “Dead Rats.” He is understandably nonplussed by this activity. A cigarette dangles between his lips. He spots another carcass, gingerly bends over to pick it up, and lets out a grave sigh.

FRED: These lousy rat carcasses are everywhere. And who does the city pay minimum wage to clean 'em up? Me, that's who. For God's sake, I've got a degree in Communications and now I'm doing this for a living.

From a second floor balcony, a RUDE MAN turns over a garbage can stuffed with dead rats. A few of them bounce off of Fred's head and then plop onto the concrete.

RUDE MAN: Hey, chatty Cathy, I got some more rat carcasses for ya. Next time try majoring in something more useful, like Philosophy.

Repulsed and demeaned, Fred buckles his knees to scoop the latest batch into his disposal bag. HANDSOME RANDY CARP enters the scene, pushing a wooden wagon with squeaking wheels. Its load is box-shaped and concealed by a black cloth.

HANDSOME RANDY: Does the plight of this poor sap ring true for you? Have you found yourself stuck in a joyless existence, as forlorn as Herr Hitler the day his Aryan race was bested at the Olympics by the noble savages of Africa? If so, old Handsome Randy Carp has the solution for you.

FRED: A bottle of rat poison?

HANDSOME RANDY: Rat poison? Nay, perk your spirits, Hemingway; nary a soul fancies the company of a quitter, as the popular saying goes. What I've got for you is a doodad that can transport you into the past where you can make all the sound decisions you blundered years ago. Why, you can transmogrify from beggar to tycoon, Tom Joad to Mr. J.D. Rockefeller, with this wondrous contraption: The Timecrowave!

With brash showmanship, he pulls off the sheet to reveal his invention.

FRED: Timecrowave? Sounds ingenious. But how does it work?

EXT. STEEP HILL – DAY – CONTINUOUS

At the hill's apex, Handsome Randy stands beside his latest customer.

HANDSOME RANDY: Simply place this doohickey atop that noggin of yours, crony. Then press any odd day and time you like—say...August second, twenty-naught-one, when you made that odious choice to pursue the Telegraphy racket at the university. Next, shut the door of the Timecrowave and clod-hop down this hill quicker than Willaim H. Harrison's stint in the White House.

Fred obliges, but not without expressing misgivings. With his head stuck inside a microwave with a hole in its bottom, his trembling voice sounds in a muffled echo.

FRED: Isn't that dangerous?

HANDSOME RANDY: Jelly-necked cowards seem to think so. But just as picture-show star Marty McFly's time-auto won't work unless it speeds four-score and eight miles an hour, the Timecrowave won't conduct its abracadabra without the declination and acceleration offered by hoofing it down a steep hill. Now, off you skedaddle, Zelda.

With that he shoves Fred, who maintains a frantic and barely upright gait for a few strides before toppling over and tumbling Timecrowave-over-heels several times. He barrel-rolls twice, bashes his knees and hips in rapid succession, and mercifully approaches flat land. On the brink of nausea, he treacherously regains his footing, walks a few steps with aim akin to that of a demagnetized compass, and then collapses with a thud onto the grass.

HANDSOME RANDY: Wait for it...

Seconds later, Fred is consumed in a cloud of ashy and polluted smoke. Once it dissipates, his body has vanished.

HANDSOME RANDY: But our chum Fred isn't the only chap who's gone from philistine to phenom thanks to the Timecrowave. Have a look-see at these gratified patrons.

EXT. LAKE MICHIGAN BEACH-FRONT – DAY

Flanked by two buxom, bikini-clad WOMEN, CHUCK revels in the sunshine with his hands placed on the back of both ladies. He's in a neck brace and his face is severely bruised.

CHUCK: I went back in time and spent the money my past-self paid for my fat kid's braces on three hours with these high-class hookers. Thanks, Timecrowave!

INT. CASINO – SPORTS BETTING ROOM

His legs encased in rigid casts, BUCK grins broadly. He fingers a pile of loose change in his right hand. He sports a Lebron James jersey.

BUCK: I went back in time to bet my life-savings on King James and the Heat to beat the Mavs in last year's NBA Finals!

A nearby BOOKIE frowns, approaches Buck, and whispers into his ear. Buck's eyes bulge with sudden horror. He fumes and curses.

BUCK: Aw, son-of-a-bitch! Really? But they looked so good after game one...

EXT. GOLF COURSE – DAY

Fred has returned to the present, enfeebled by his nasty tumble, paralyzed below the neck and bound to a wheelchair. He speaks with the aid of a voice modulator a la Stephen Hawking.

FRED: Seeing the error of my ways, I traveled back to 2001, forgot to warn everyone about 9/11, and got paralyzed in the process. Since then, the scientific community assumes I'm a genius because of my stoic disposition and monotone speech. My proposed discovery of Alf's true home planet has generated shock waves in the field of astronomy. I consume two gallons of delicious orange Tang everyday and have learned to play games of Tetris with my tongue. I owe all this fortune to the Time, Time, Time...

The word repeats like a note of music from a broken record. A NURSE enters the scene to rap the malfunctioning modulator with her fist. When that does the trick, she promptly scoots off-screen.

FRED: ...Crowave.

EXT. STEEP HILL – DAY

Handsome Randy Carp poses with moxie. He cradles his diabolical product.

HANDSOME RANDY: Much obliged for the kind words, invalids. Now that your peepers have feasted on the splendorous effects of the Timecrowave, what's to stop you from purchasing one, viewer? Get off that ample keyster of yours and dial Handsome Randy on your rotary phone. Call within the next hour and I'll guess your body weight—free of charge. Bid good riddance to the present and give salutations to a sunnier future with the Timecrowave.

FADE OUT:



* While Google-searching “Timecrowave” for the hell of it, I discovered that Saturday Night Live featured a sketch about a product with the same name. Confoundedly enough, this is the second time I have written a piece I thought was original only to learn later on that—whether before or after the fact—SNL has done it, too. The other one, “Listen Drooly, I'm Going to Sue,” was about a dopey man who pursues legal action against a dog because of the animal's bad behavior. (The dog bit him but the man deserved it). Hmmm...Coincidence or fishiness? For now, it just feels like yet another kick to the creative nuts, but let me know if you spot a Lonely Island version of “Coach, the Short Story.” Together, we can take Lorne Michaels to court.