^ My former guidance counselor, Mr. Dinkle. Wink.^
Anyway,
without overdoing the vigor, I'm a proponent of voting—if only
because apathy doesn't mean a whole lot and choice at least counts
for something. The other bit of advice I have on voting is to avoid
writing-in a candidate whose name is fake and crude. The first time I
voted, as I peered down at the ballot, I came across an unopposed
candidate for Assistant to the County Treasurer's Make-up Lady or
whatever the hell it was, and I opted to vote for my own candidate:
Hugh Jass.
In
retrospect, that was immature. I made a mockery of a hallowed right
of democracy. Plus, Hugh Jass didn't even win. So I threw my vote
away on that one!
In
an effort to combat write-in candidate shenanigans, I reestablished
contact with my high school guidance counselor, Mr. Dinkle, whose
outrage on the issue I recalled from my senior class election. (I
found Mr. Dinkle on LinkedIn. As a side note, he also sells defective
bobbleheads during the summer.) I told Mr. D that he was right when
he spoke out against phony write-ins at that assembly all those years
ago. Then I asked him to offer his thoughts on prank-voting. Mr. D
agreed. Here's his take on the “Hugh Jass Menace.”
###
Mr.
Dinkle:
Thank
you, readers of Fond du Lac's Nite
Life Ink. Whether
you've been drawn to the pictures of attractive young bartenders or
you nearsightedly mistook this paper for a copy of Maturity
Times, I implore you
to read my plea.
As
Nicholas alluded, the 2001 election for school government was a
sordid ordeal. Initially, the vice presidency was won by “The
Dude,” a hippie long-hair and bad influence from the film The
Big Lebowski. “The Dude” was to serve under president “Party
Boy.” The look of disappointment I gave that particular student
body was nothing compared to the frowns I have expressed to senior
classes in recent years. Standards have indeed fallen.
In
my time as guidance counselor and overseer of student government, I
have seen phony write-in candidates sully many elections. The fake
names keep getting filthier and more difficult to understand, too.
Why, the 2004 class wanted to elect “LeBong James” as their class
treasurer. Three years later, the majority determined that the person
most qualified to be class secretary was “Nellie Fartado.” Last
year, “Anderson Pooper” was an unstoppable force on ballots until
I started threatening to expel kids.
Student
government functions as a microcosm of governing the world at large,
and it's no laughing matter to taunt the virtues of free elections.
There is NOTHING funny about voting for a made-up guy named “Bob
Unghole,” or a fraudulent floozy named “Ho Malone.” Why, when I
was a senior, we'd have tarred and feathered a youth if we caught him
casting his vote for “Jimmy Farter.” But nowadays, when I tell a
gym filled with hundreds of teenagers that “'George W.
Bush-Muncher' has been disqualified from the running,” the fools
hoot and squeal with glee.
My
fellow citizens of this wondrous republic, we must prevent our
elections from being corrupted by what Nicholas has boorishly
referred to as the “Hugh Jass Menace.” I have lingering
nightmares about the announcement I made onstage after the results
had been tallied from the class of 2012's election.
“The
search for a new president to lead the student body by example is
vital to the success of our school. And whom did you elect by popular
vote? 'Mike Hawk.' We asked you to elect a beacon of integrity and
your answer was 'Mike Hawk.' Unacceptable. 'Mike Hawk' is an
embarrassment!”
I
tried to get through to them, but for some unconscionable reason,
they only laughed harder.
Well, let me tell you something that's not funny at all: I'm tired
of telling kids I'm embarrassed by “Mike Hawk.” Whether you're a
student at my high school or one of millions whose intent is to help
decide the future of our country, I beg you not to entrust
your faith in the likes of “Harry Wang,” “Turd Kennedy,” and
“Dick Stainy.”
Consider
me a man on a journey to get relief from phony write-in candidates.
The journey is much longer than a mere 50 yards. You're probably
wondering, “Willy Make-It?” If Nicholas and I get enough support
from readers like you, then yes, I will make it. We all will.
If
we work together, regardless of whether a Republican or a Democrat
becomes our next president, Americans can feel proud to keep
“Governor Gonads” out of their voting booths.
Patriotically
yours,
Mr.
Dinkle
