Phony Write-in Candidates are No Joke

                                             ^ My former guidance counselor, Mr. Dinkle. Wink.^

 As much as I hate to admit it, once every four years, in November, politics become a more relevant topic than Thanksgiving and its hallmarks of gorging, bloating, self-loathing aftermath, and watching football. The presidential election is a pretty big deal. In 2012, when I wrote this story for a now-defunct newspaper, incumbent Barack Obama ran against Republican Mitt Romney. I did not tell anyone who to vote for, but I did remind everyone that, either way, they'd be voting for a man with a ridiculous name. Barack vs. Mitt? Spellcheck systems everywhere were overhauled because of those two. Holy shit, we went from George vs. John to Barack vs. Mitt in the span of eight years. Crazy.

Anyway, without overdoing the vigor, I'm a proponent of voting—if only because apathy doesn't mean a whole lot and choice at least counts for something. The other bit of advice I have on voting is to avoid writing-in a candidate whose name is fake and crude. The first time I voted, as I peered down at the ballot, I came across an unopposed candidate for Assistant to the County Treasurer's Make-up Lady or whatever the hell it was, and I opted to vote for my own candidate: Hugh Jass.

In retrospect, that was immature. I made a mockery of a hallowed right of democracy. Plus, Hugh Jass didn't even win. So I threw my vote away on that one!

In an effort to combat write-in candidate shenanigans, I reestablished contact with my high school guidance counselor, Mr. Dinkle, whose outrage on the issue I recalled from my senior class election. (I found Mr. Dinkle on LinkedIn. As a side note, he also sells defective bobbleheads during the summer.) I told Mr. D that he was right when he spoke out against phony write-ins at that assembly all those years ago. Then I asked him to offer his thoughts on prank-voting. Mr. D agreed. Here's his take on the “Hugh Jass Menace.”

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Mr. Dinkle:

Thank you, readers of Fond du Lac's Nite Life Ink. Whether you've been drawn to the pictures of attractive young bartenders or you nearsightedly mistook this paper for a copy of Maturity Times, I implore you to read my plea.

As Nicholas alluded, the 2001 election for school government was a sordid ordeal. Initially, the vice presidency was won by “The Dude,” a hippie long-hair and bad influence from the film The Big Lebowski. “The Dude” was to serve under president “Party Boy.” The look of disappointment I gave that particular student body was nothing compared to the frowns I have expressed to senior classes in recent years. Standards have indeed fallen.

In my time as guidance counselor and overseer of student government, I have seen phony write-in candidates sully many elections. The fake names keep getting filthier and more difficult to understand, too. Why, the 2004 class wanted to elect “LeBong James” as their class treasurer. Three years later, the majority determined that the person most qualified to be class secretary was “Nellie Fartado.” Last year, “Anderson Pooper” was an unstoppable force on ballots until I started threatening to expel kids.

Student government functions as a microcosm of governing the world at large, and it's no laughing matter to taunt the virtues of free elections. There is NOTHING funny about voting for a made-up guy named “Bob Unghole,” or a fraudulent floozy named “Ho Malone.” Why, when I was a senior, we'd have tarred and feathered a youth if we caught him casting his vote for “Jimmy Farter.” But nowadays, when I tell a gym filled with hundreds of teenagers that “'George W. Bush-Muncher' has been disqualified from the running,” the fools hoot and squeal with glee.

My fellow citizens of this wondrous republic, we must prevent our elections from being corrupted by what Nicholas has boorishly referred to as the “Hugh Jass Menace.” I have lingering nightmares about the announcement I made onstage after the results had been tallied from the class of 2012's election.

“The search for a new president to lead the student body by example is vital to the success of our school. And whom did you elect by popular vote? 'Mike Hawk.' We asked you to elect a beacon of integrity and your answer was 'Mike Hawk.' Unacceptable. 'Mike Hawk' is an embarrassment!”

I tried to get through to them, but for some unconscionable reason, they only laughed harder.

Well, let me tell you something that's not funny at all: I'm tired of telling kids I'm embarrassed by “Mike Hawk.” Whether you're a student at my high school or one of millions whose intent is to help decide the future of our country, I beg you not to entrust your faith in the likes of “Harry Wang,” “Turd Kennedy,” and “Dick Stainy.”

Consider me a man on a journey to get relief from phony write-in candidates. The journey is much longer than a mere 50 yards. You're probably wondering, “Willy Make-It?” If Nicholas and I get enough support from readers like you, then yes, I will make it. We all will.

If we work together, regardless of whether a Republican or a Democrat becomes our next president, Americans can feel proud to keep “Governor Gonads” out of their voting booths.

Patriotically yours,

Mr. Dinkle