Founder of "Wiccapedia" Burned at the Stakes

This phony news story was written for the Halloween issue of the Advance-Titan in 2006. The main reason why I'm posting it (five years later) is because it seems like a timely and faintly relevant piece to read in late October.


Since its formal inception in 2001, Wikipedia has risen to prominence as one of the most visited sites on the internet. Wikipedia serves as a vast electronic encyclopedia, providing users with information on everything from Abolitionism to ZZ Top.

The site has been subjected to criticism, however, due to its tendency to post faulty information from dubious sources. Most recently, the town of Salem, Massachusetts, has targeted Wikipedia-founder Jimmy Wales and charged him with affiliation to the pagan religion of Wicca.

Dressed in a puritanical black and white suit, Salem mayor William Goodyfellow spoke gravely of the website and its creator.

"Methinks this 'Wiccapedia' temptation that dwells inside the heathen's sin machine (computer) brings ignominy and damnation to its patrons. On behalf of the Almighty, I beseech all 'Wiccapedia' worshipers to repent!"

The controversy was ignited when a group of teenage girls was discovered by a concerned, torch-bearing mother deep in the woods which outskirt Salem. Under cover of a pup tent, the girls were found using a battery-powered laptop to explore Wikipedia entries. Although the youngsters weren't on the hunt for occult material-- but rather, searching for the astrological sign of Fez from That 70's Show-- the mother, Goody Miller, became hysterical when she learned the name of the website in question.

When Goody Miller relayed her account to the community, a town meeting was assembled at once. In a unanimous decision, it was agreed that Wikipedia creator Jimmy Wales must be kidnapped and put on trial as a "Witch-master." As a precautionary measure, attendees also concluded it was prudent to capture and drown Fez from That 70's Show-an aside barely worth noting.

Tightly fastened to a stake surrounded by a wide ring of hay, kindling, and computers, Wales spat the gag out of his mouth long enough to offer his testimony.

"Not since the kidnapping of Charles Augustus Lindbergh III on March 1, 1932, has an abduction been this noteworthy and shocking!" Wales assessed. "If somebody doesn't get a hold of my lawyer, I'll be engulfed in flames—much like the city of Chicago on October 8th of 1871."

The town of Salem has a brutal history of punishing those suspected of heresy without just cause or rationale. With righteous bluster, Mayor Goodfellow asserted that one cannot spell "Wikipedia" without the word "Wicca." When questioned about his error in rationale, the mayor's eyes became inflamed like the cinders that surround the lake of fire.

"Logic and reason be the traits of the Antichrist," said Goodyfellow. He then dusted off his hands, leaned back in his parlor chair, and grinned with immense self-satisfaction that bordered on the sin of pride.

The vindictive puritans relished the sight of the flames advancing toward a doomed and manacled Wales. His last words are chronicled below.

"You fools! I'm being persecuted on the basis of a thinly premised non sequitur—remotely reminiscent of the Seinfeld episode in which Kramer incurs the ire of The Van Buren Boys by inadvertently flashing their gang sign.

“Golly, I'm going to miss Seinfeld,” he added, ablaze and anguished. “It was so much funnier than That 70's Show...Pfft! What a shitty excuse for comedy.”