Replacing Words with 'Ass'

 

I don't want to oversell this one. By that, I mean it's up there with the dumbest ideas I've had recently. Possibly ever. But here goes: I'm gonna take some album titles and change the last word to "Ass." 

If I'm gonna force myself into an optimistic take on this one: it's not actually dumb, it's cheeky. 

Pink Floyd- Dark Side of the Ass / The Piper at the Gates of Ass / Wish You Were Ass

Guns 'n' Roses- Appetite for Ass

Beck- One Foot in the Ass / Midnite Ass

I want to state a late disclaimer. I'm not trying to disrespect any of the great artists listed here, or cause indignation for anyone, for that matter. I'm not trying to make an anti-ass statement in my own art. The reality is that I just had a super dumb idea, and here's more of it. 

Weezer- Everything Will be Alright in the Ass

The White Stripes- Get Behind Me Ass / Icky Ass

The Clash- Give 'em Enough Ass

Radiohead- Hail to the Ass

For those of you with human decency, I'd like to give you the good news that we're almost done here. Only seven more to go. Enjoy, and then pray for me. Pray that I may see the error of my ways and come up with something better next time. Because Goddammit, I'm doing something pretty stupid here. 

Janet Jackson- The Velvet Ass

Modest Mouse- The Lonesome Crowded Ass

The Strokes- Is This Ass? / First Impressions of Ass

Beastie Boys- Check Your Ass / Hello Ass

Fiona Apple- When the pawn hits the conflicts he thinks like a king what he knows throws the blows when he goes to the fight and he'll win the whole thing 'fore he enters the ring there's nobody to batter when your mind is your might so when you go solo, you hold your own hand and remember that depth is the greatest of heights and if you know where you stand, then you know where to land and if you fall it won't matter, cuz you'll know that you're Ass. 

*Missing words: Moon, Dawn, Destruction, Grave, Vultures, End, Satan, Thump, Rope, Thief, Rope, West, It, Earth, Head, Nasty, Right.  

 

Frodos

 I have not been writing enough as of late, so I'm trying to do that now. This is the big "no more putting it off" moment. I sure hope it works, dammit. 

Some of my grouchy or aimless traits see more light of day when I'm in a dormant phase. My mind races a lot. Whether it's any good or not, there's usually content swirling around in my dome. Sometimes I show it to others. "What do you think of this space junk?" 

So here goes. I'll give this a half hour-ish and maybe it'll be worthwhile. 

A while back I watched a YouTube video about Nirvana. A musician from the Seattle scene who crossed paths with the band in the early '90s made a comparison between Nirvana and the Lord of the Rings. It hit home. 

He said that Kurt Cobain needed bassist Krist Novoselic in the same way that Frodo needed Sam. In order to accomplish that ultimate goal, whether it was becoming the best band on the planet for a year or 2 or taking the One Ring to destroy it in the volcano in Mordor, the special, chosen one required a best friend to believe in them. Kurt and Frodo were the prodigies, the gifted oddities who were like unicorns of humanity (or in Frodo's case, uh, hobbitanity?). But they were helpless without the dedication of their not-as-special best friends. A regular guy like Krist and an average Hobbit like Sam had no chance of becoming a rock music legend or saving Middle Earth on their own, but the same could be said of the unicorns, the chosen ones. They have pure hearts. They're sensitive. They can amplify a far-off whisper from God or the Devil so that the rest of us can hear it. They can change the world. They can also break like glass. 

Seeing this Frodo/ Sam dynamic in real life stuck with me for months, until I connected the dots to a relationship I was in that ultimately didn't work out. I am the one who wanted it to work out more, and I think that makes it hurt more. 

But another way to look at the breakup has occurred to me. Maybe it didn't work out because we were both Frodo types. Two Frodos (or two Sams) can't reach that ultimate goal together. The balance is essential. And it's just hard to find that balance between 2 people with extreme traits. (In my case, it is extreme awkwardness redeemed only by extreme blue eyes and beard.) 

And that's another mental trick I'm trying to realize to feel more at peace. She needs a Sam, not another Frodo. And I will no doubt overthink it and make it weird the next time I meet a Samantha.