Space Jam Review

*I'd been meaning to watch this movie for about 24 years, but I guess life got in the way. Life got in the way of watching Space Jam, but no longer.   

*In the opening scene, kid Michael Jordan is shooting hoops at night until his father kindly tells him it's past his bedtime. Slight cringes as R Kelly sings "I Believe I Can Fly." Oh man, you gotta do a lot of awful shit to ruin "I Believe I Can Fly." 

*I'm stunned by the early death of Yosemite Sam, killed in cold blood by an alien with a ray gun. 

Update: Yosemite Sam is alive, molecular structure back intact and doing his thing. 

*The player with a name most like a Looney Toons character is Mugsy Bogues. I hope they paid him double.

*I'm pretty sure Bugs Bunny is pansexual. Cartoon, human, Michael Jordan--doesn't matter. He'll kiss anyone. Maybe he could settle down with Lola Bunny, but they'd need to have an open relationship.

*Kids take note: Spitting on the gym floor a bunch of times is hilarious. 

*In a shocking development that's making me wonder what kind of a God would let this happen, Foghorn Leghorn has been fatally incinerated.           

Update: Wait! He's OK. I just saw him walking off the court, good as new. 

*2020 parallels: When stars like Barkley and Ewing get their talent stolen by aliens, other players get fearful and resort to wearing protective masks to manage the threat. Unable to promise their safety, the commissioner shuts down the NBA indefinitely. Note to self: Pull conspiracy theory out of ass that Coronavirus= Space Jam and upload it to YouTube. 

*I'm not crazy about starting Daffy Duck at power forward. He's clearly not that powerful. 

*Kids again: Shooting double-barrel shotguns in a crowd and smashing friends with mallets also super funny. 

*The Monstars screwed up their roster by taking Shawn Bradley's talent when they already had Patrick Ewing at center. They should've picked Reggie Miller to have a shooting guard to match up with MJ. This is not a joke. Deal with it. 

*If Bill Laimbeer was one of the dirty players on the Monstars, he'd find a way to 100% murder Bugs Bunny, sending kids home from the movies in tears and destroying a franchise.

*They play "I Believe I Can Fly" twice! Are kids still allowed to watch this movie? Get Rihanna or Cee Lo Green to cover it in the damn Space Jam re-release already. Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me? 

*Happy ending. Dated cartoon characters and a McDonald's spokesman with a nice smile can never be defeated. Michael Jordan draws the defense but kicks it out to a wide open Porky Pig (who we all believed was dead) to swish home the buzzer beater in the director's cut.

*"Don't ever trust an Earthling." --Bill Murray  

Predator vs. Predators

*A revision.

As the namesake of Predator and the co-star of Alien vs. Predator, I feel I've earned the right to express my view of the sexual predators who've been exposed in the movie biz, and here's my message: Stop dragging the Predator name through the mud. My goal has always been to murder as many men as I possibly could, never to harass the fairer sex. You bunch of horny knuckleheads need to cut it out. 

When I see these exposés about famous lechers, I'm overwhelmed with feelings of dismay. Why did these deviants demean those women? Can’t they see that what they’re doing is disrespectful and stunningly unattractive? And as for me, is the public going to scorn me because I'm known as not just a predator, but The Predator? The answer to the first two questions is that I sincerely don't know, which is why I'm cool with slaughtering guys by the dozen. The answer to the third question is most likely yes, which is why I've got to defend myself.

These revelations have hit too close to home, and I'd like to declare that I'm not that kind of a Predator. While I would gladly destroy an elite team of Navy Seals in a South American jungle for sport because, quite frankly, the dudes probably had it coming, my stomach turns at the thought of my intimate desires causing harm to females. That's not what I'm about. Butchering all the non-Arnold guys in a military squad is a major part of who I am. Who I am not is a pervert who whips it out and goes into a tug frenzy in front of Earthling women who don't want to see me do that.

Let the record show that I never tried to kill or sexually harass a sole female in Predator. I strictly killed male soldiers in that film, and not because I'm anti-military, but because they were men, and I just feel like most males on this planet are shitty creatures.

Think about this: If so many men from the movies have sexually abused women, and I've murdered a lot of men in the movies, then maybe I'm not so bad after all. I want my message made loud and clear to these other predators: Stop giving me a bad name. 

I may have decapitated seven men in Arnold’s squad and made their skulls into trophies, but I've never let a woman down by disgracing them, not on this planet or mine. Having a night of romance with my wife in our candle-lit cave and watching our silhouettes move together against a wall of stone brings me almost as much joy as watching our children grow and become the most beautiful mankillers our eyes have ever seen. Where I come from, the males are just grateful when this superior species lets us lay with them. With my wife, I just light the candle and hope she wants it to stay lit.

Before I go, I must confess that I’d also like to plug my latest project, Predator vs. Predators, which I announced today on Instagram. On the show, I’ll be hunting down a small group of convicted predators on a deserted island in Fiji. When I catch them, and I always do, the twist is that I don’t kill them. I just roast them with a stream of insults about their sexual misconduct, and they can’t get away from my taunts, because I’m the Predator and I’ve got them in a headlock. Sometimes I’ll just pull a guy’s pants down and point and laugh at him.

Come to think of it, I did kill a guy or two on the show. But they were both at like the Cosby-level, you know? I mean... disgusting. Plus I’m working with the claw and the lasers and whatnot, so yeah, I did kill one or two of them, but most of them survived the pilot episode.

Anyway, we’re in negotiations with Netflix, so please check out the Predator vs. Predators page on social media for updates.    

Now, to finish my message, I beg you, don't get me confused with a glut of wiener-wagging cretins. I've hidden in camouflage at too many anti-Trump rallies and read too many books on feminist theory to be pigeonholed like that. My name happens to be Predator. That doesn't mean I'm a monster.