Becoming a contributor for The Onion or one of its divisions like StarWipe is difficult. Still, when I sent a packet to the celeb-satirizing site that eventually earned a "Thanks but no thanks," I got depressed. For a whole grueling week I moped and hated my day job tenfold. This is more of a testament to my penchant for high hopes and ensuing sadness than an indictment of The Onion or StarWipe. Please read everything The Onion posts. Almost all of it is funny and smart. It's so refreshing to look at this world through a lens that is warped yet untarnished by bullshit. I am a gloomy kiss-ass for a just cause.
I gotta snap out of this malaise. Futility is unproductive. Like John Cena says: Never Give Up. Oh man, I am bummed out and referencing cliches from a pro fucking wrestler. This sucks. This is not good... But at least I think I can show you something that wasn't all that bad.
News Headlines Based on Actual Celebrity Stories
1) ‘Hollywood’
Hulk Hogan Has Huge Penis, Testifies ‘Hitlerdong’ Terry Bollea
2) Kendra
Would Let Son See Playboy Spread to Show Natural Beauty of Objects
3) Sharon
Osbourne Tweets Nude Pics, Prompts Ozzy to Exclaim ‘MuhGuhShuh-un, Whuuuuuu?'
4) Trump
Boycotts Apple Since Own Head Is So Orange
5) Bieber’s
Dad Engaged to Awesome Woman Who Had Nothing to Do with Spawning of Justin
Bieber
6.) Kristen
Wiig Snubs John Goodman, Coverage Breaks Record for Trivial Bullshit
7) Cosby
Drops Defamation Case, Excitedly Pursues 54 Other Cases
Feature Pitches
Lists
of “awkward” or simply young kids who
became attractive adults are plentiful, so this feature showcases the likes of
Miley Cyrus in then-and-now fashion, each star with a blurb written by a lewd
Mickey Mouse in the guise of a nasty casting director, bragging about his
company’s track record of “kickin’ uglies to the curb” in favor of “kids I know
damn well are gonna be smokin’ hot.” The anthropomorphic rodent reveals his
tactics, which range from thoroughly checking out the moms’ bodies to
conducting exhaustive searches for signs of obesity in the families.
A
perennial juggernaut of daytime TV ratings, a study is done to acknowledge the
true asset of Judge Judy’s stronghold: Nursing homes TVs placed in front of
mostly napping elders who rarely object when the show has been muted during
daylight hours. A blurry vision of stone-faced authority, clad in a stern black
gown and without a trace of youthful pep, Judge Judy on mute provides an
old-world assurance of justice to octogenarians who don’t want to spend their
final days further deafened by the petty squawking of greasy landlords.
When
comparing and contrasting the girlfriends of Hollywood hunks such as Ben
Affleck to the girlfriends of obsessive Batman enthusiasts, a trend starts to
emerge: Playing Batman in a major motion picture might enable one to seduce
women perceived as more beautiful than the ones who sleep with superfans of the
Caped Crusader. For example, a photo of George Clooney kissing the hand of the
stunning Stacy Keibler is shown, along with a slovenly guy in a Dark Knight shirt posing beside his
stout, acne-riddled girlfriend—and readers are told to judge for themselves.
Full Story
Avril
Lavigne and Chad Kroeger Keep Us Guessing: When Will They Both Die?
Mere
months after announcing plans to separate, pop singers Avril Lavigne and Chad
Kroeger were seen posing happily together on Instagram, leaving everyone to
speculate: When will they both die?
While
both fans and detractors can agree that no one wants either Canadian icon to
perish within the next few days, something about publicizing the uncertain,
fragile nature of their relationship makes us all ponder the dates when the
singer of “Sk8er Boi” and the frontman of Nickelback will cease to draw any more
breaths in the realm of the living.
With
couples everywhere falling in and out of love with overwhelming regularity,
it’s easy to wonder if soulmates truly exist, and after we consider that
dilemma, it’s common to dwell on even deeper questions regarding human
mortality. Chiefly, when the Grim Reaper comes to claim the souls of Avril
Lavigne and Chad Kroeger, clutching his sickle and stoically ignoring their
cries for help, will he have their expiration dates marked in erasable pencil
or fated in permanent ink? Such is the quandary of all mankind.
Married
in 2013, presumably headed for divorce based on a statement made in September
of 2015, it remains anyone’s guess who will die first. Through the on-again,
off-again status of their union, they have already taught us the somber truth
that no one knows. It could be Lavigne shivering downtrodden on a bridge
somewhere in Toronto on a damn cold night proclaiming to her beloved in the
Heavens, “I’m with you!” (In spirit.) Or perhaps Kroeger will be the one to
show his fellow mourners an old Polaroid of his better half as he barks, “Look
at this photograph!”
Only one conclusion is obvious. If they both
get crushed by an avalanche in the Canadian Rockies during a skiing trip in the
year 2054 and their unearthed bodies are still holding hands, this story will
have a happy ending.
Bio
Many of the earliest
thrills I can recall in this life came from getting laughs, specifically from
writing stories, which I’ve been doing since the fourth grade. Recently turned
33, I’m living in my hometown of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin (which just got
lampooned on Saturday Night Live, as
luck would have it), and my work is currently posted online at Milwaukee’s Shepherd Express. I have a degree in
Communications/ English from UW-Oshkosh, where I won some awards for
short-story writing and screenwriting. My stories have been posted pretty
regularly by various outlets, and I’ve self-published two collections of funny
short stories. I’m pretty sure I’d be good at this job, love it, and work
extremely hard. Thanks.
--Nick Olig
Links
For this part of the application, I had to include links to the real stories on which my spoofs were based. Nobody wants to read the Works Cited crap. Why am I ending it this way? Dammit.
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