When some judgmental wieners from 24/7 Wall St. called Fond du Lac lazy, I
was there to offer a rebuttal on the behalf of the accused. On March 5th,
my city was once again besmirched on a national scale by a group of New Yorkers,
only this time the stones were cast by an institution I actually respect and
admire. Saturday Night Live had a
sketch called “Fond du Lac Action News” that portrayed caricatures of easily
distracted stooges who talk funny and blab stories that go nowhere.
To be
fair, I can relate to making fun of stuff, and if comedy can just this once be
likened to a gigantic, overturned hat filled with strips of paper, all of our
names and everything we hold dear are crumpled somewhere in that hat, fated to
be picked someday.
There’s
that, but also, I’d be remiss if I didn’t pursue a shred of petty vengeance
after this latest lambasting. Here are five distinct boos for a skit that, much
like Fond du Lac, is adequate but not exceptional.
1.) Gee,
I’d have to say the early mention of a sex offender is a fair place to start my
grievances. We were shown a graphic of four bumbling jackasses to represent our
city, and seconds after they set the premise, the ambush continued with nasally
chatter about a deviance that causes psychological scarring. What a way to get
famous! To make matters worse, here’s how NBC.com describes the clip: “Trish
Wisnouski (Cecily Strong) and Joe Bush (real-life Eric Cartman, aka Fro Flintstone)
bring you all the news from Fond du Lac, most of which has to do with a sex
offender.” That’s a lie! In truth, the newscasters only discuss the sex
offender during like 10% of the sketch. “Most of which,” my ass. Furthermore, sex
offenders can be found basically anywhere, including a dozen or so in New York
City, the likely birthplace of sex offender jokes.
2.) Cast
member Cecily Strong is from Illinois. Now, I’ve got nothing against someone
who has probably worked her ass off to succeed in a racket that has an
overwhelming rate of failure, but when it comes to counter-jabs across state
lines, we’re thrilled the Bears have been overpaying Jay Cutler for years to
ensure the long-term mediocrity of football in Illinois, and you’ll never have
a legacy of quarterbacks like the Packers, or the Lombardi trophies, and nobody
likes your stupid toll booths.
3.) Beck
Bennett, who played the sports anchor, mastered the layering of the turtleneck
and the Badgers sweatshirt, and while I’m glad somebody spoofed that look, his
accent was far more Fargo than Fond du Lac. He was doing the elderly
motor-mouth from the movie, the old man with the shovel who reports to a cop
his run-in with Steve Buscemi’s character. (Search “Fargo Chit Chat” on
YouTube.) That’s an even bigger stretch than me lampooning the people of Queens
by mimicking someone from Long Island.
4.) As
implied in the skit, the lottery is indeed a phenomenon in Fond du Lac, so that
was satirically spot-on. However, in the interest of breaking stereotypes,
here’s a voice of dissension: Having worked at a convenience store to pay my
bills, during Powerball crazes, I’ve witnessed thousands of people standing in
line for thousands of hours ignoring nearly impossible odds in order to pay a
cashier for a return of false hope. To hell with that. I work hard for my false
hope.
5.) And
the first time I saw an outrageous old perv cackling about the number 69 was
when an actor from New York did it. “Sex Offender Shows Thing
at McDonald’s” and “Old Perv Loves Shouting ‘69’” are not the best portrayals
of a city once envied everywhere from Campbellsport all the way up to North
Fond du Lac.
That’s a load off.
Hopefully I didn’t ruin my audition at the Shepherd Express. And who knows? Maybe Saturday Night Live is hiring writers from the cities they mock. If
they welcomed Trump before they trashed him, perhaps they’ll welcome me after they
trashed my life.
In Fond du Lac, it
turns out we all play the lottery in one way or another.
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