While I love football in spite of its glaring flaws, athletic stalwarts are rarely made for acting, and the advertisements that feature these men are oftentimes hard to watch. This sports story stars offensive lineman Brock Walton, a bad brute who didn't get everything he wanted before the filming of his boneheaded local commercial.
###
Brock
Walton:
OK,
OK.
That’s enough of the freakin’ eyeliner. Quit giving me the Howie
Long treatment, for Christ’s sake. Let’s shoot this thing
already.
Oh
yeah, and one more thing: where’s the football? Come on, don’t
play dumb with me. Everybody knows you bring a pigskin to a
commercial like this one. It’s what you pony-tailed fairies call a
“prop.”
Look
at the three of you! You remind me of the fawns I plowed into with my
Hummer on the drive here. Quit your dawdling and fetch me a ball.
What?
You’re shittin’ me, right? Nobody brought a football? What in the
hell, guys?!
Goddammit,
how are the people gonna recognize me if I’m not clutching a
football? It’s bad enough that I’m not wearing pads and a
uniform. Now you don’t even have a Manning Missile for me to palm
while I nod at the camera and say, “Bunkley Trucks has the perfect
game plan for low prices!”
The
nobodies sitting on milk crates in their trailers will say, “Who is
that asshole dressed like the rest of us bums, not holding a
football, telling us where to buy a truck? What does he know
about game plans? Just where in the fuck does he get off?”
Jesus,
why didn’t I bring a football from home? I’ve got like 50 of ‘em,
and that's just in the garage. Wait, I know why. Because any dipshit
with a camera and a boom mic should know to bring a Brown Lombardi to
a commercial that stars a man who racked-up three pancake blocks
against the Cowboys last year. Amateurs! How are the peons supposed
to know I’m better than they are if I’m not toting a pigskin? I’m
overweight, bald as Mr. Clean, and missing a front tooth. You take
away my Dick Butkus Bomb and I look like a bouncer at a hick bar,
checking the ID's of the jagoffs who want to see some Poison cover
band. I’m a fat, naked nobody without that pigskin!
...
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More Stories, and Additional Stories is the name of that eBook.
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