The
Green Bay Packers' matchup with the Seattle Seahawks to open the 2014
National Football League season rekindles memories of injustice. In
2012, when the Pack Attack last battled the 2013 champs, the green
and gold got shafted by hapless replacement referees on a play that
decided the outcome of the game. Following that fiasco, while I
grieved, I wrote an explanation for the madness, from the
point-of-view of one of the dopey refs. Enjoy former NFL scab Clyde
Skumly's take on that Seattle “touchdown” that definitely wasn't
a touchdown.
Clyde
Skumly, replacement ref:
All
right, you football freaks, if you could all stop bickering about how
plan-B referees cost your favorite team a win, pretty-pretty-please
with sugar on top allow me to defend myself and my colleagues. Yes,
earlier this year I worked as a replacement ref in the NFL while the
real officials were on strike. And I'd like to point out that I'm
pretty sure I correctly nailed an Eagles' lineman for a false start,
and meanwhile, that Ed Hochuli ref you people suddenly wanna hug did
nothing but bench-press a treadmill in his basement. I guess that's
gratitude for ya.
Our
best efforts to succeed at the highest level of the reffing trade,
under intense pressure and in a very short window of time, may have
been criticized, but we weren't as incompetent as some of you
ingrates think. While my associates had built their resumes by
reffing everything from the Lingerie League to dog shows to
pie-eating contests, I'd been busting my hump for decades as an
official for a different sport that may cause brain damage:
Professional wrestling.
Shortly
after I damn near graduated from high school, I began my career as an
amateur wrestling referee. When I made the jump from amateur to pro
wrestling, it was for two reasons: 1.) When you watch sweaty young
men straddle and pin each other enough times, it starts seemin'
fruity. 2.) Plus I got fired for “gross ineptitude.”
Thankfully,
the WWF came calling shortly thereafter. Apparently they were
impressed by my reputation as a hapless referee and simply blown away
by the awful score I got on that IQ test they gave me. My life was
transformed in that magical moment when the owner of the company
handed me a contract outside of a strip club and groaned, “Shit or get off the pot.” In a matter of weeks I was warning Jake
“The Snake” Roberts to put his damn pet python back in its bag,
and the jeers I got from Albuquerque to Tallahassee only toughened my
skin. For all officials, our job entails making unpopular calls, and
if that means sending young fans of The Undertaker or the Packers
home with tears in their eyes while we refs rejoice in their sorrow,
then so be it.
Death
threats no longer scare me. I wasn't fazed when I got bundles of hate
mail after I reffed that match between Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant
at Wrestlemania
V or X or whatever the hell it was. Sure, my critics still insist I
had my back turned while Andre hit Hulk in the head with a steel
chair (which was an illegal foreign object) because I got distracted
by Andre the Giant's evil manager, that I wrongly counted the
Hulkster down for the three-count and awarded the championship belt
to Andre the Giant. And to those naysayers, here's my rebuttal: My
ruling stands. Get over it. Maybe Hulk did get knocked out by that
illegal chair as the tape clearly shows and maybe he didn't, but I'm
the ref and I didn't see it. So, go to fuck yourself, OK?
I
didn't become a referee for the approval of my fellow man, or the
trophy wives or the money. Heck, I gave up on trophy wives years ago.
I earn just enough scratch to shack up with loose broads here and
there while I'm on the road. And I really don't give a crap if my
fellow man disapproves of that.
Not
long after the story broke about the real refs going on strike, I was
contacted by the NFL. Once a league official assured me that the
gig—however temporary—would pay better than working this year's
SummerSlam,
I was happy to hop aboard the football express. My God, they even
held the contract-signing inside an office in New York City! I had to
put on a fancy suit and shake hands with big shots and put on
deodorant and everything.
It felt a lot more
legit than pressing a contract against the back of Bam Bam Bigelow
outside of The Golden Beaver in Knoxville and signing it with a
stripper's eyeliner as I had done to join the WWF.
Lord
knows my first few weeks jobbing as an NFL weren't perfect. On one
occasion, I made a series of shadow-puppet gestures 'cause I forgot
how to hand-signal a false-start penalty. Some football know-it-all
on ESPN called me “substandard,” but at least the paychecks kept
coming. In spite of the bickering from the media and the fans, I
finally got the cash to buy that pinball machine I'd had my eye on
for so long.
...
More Stories, and Additional Stories is the name of that eBook.
More Stories, and Additional Stories is the name of that eBook.
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