Hammer Plays Monopoly

                                                Plays

When I call upon leisure, it's common for me to play video games with friends. Willy and Swinkle have the same tendencies, and during a recent summer which marked for me the start of another inglorious chapter in a frustrating narrative, we'd gather to unwind and perhaps revamp our mindsets at Swinkle's studio apartment above a church that used to be a pawn shop. Our game of choice was an adaptation of a classic board game Swinkle had downloaded onto his computer: Super Monopoly.


With components of luck and some semblance of financial savvy, Super Monopoly allowed us to compete without losing real money or going through all the tedium of doling out fake money and plastic houses and straining to do basic math. We could roll the dice and then buy a property by pressing a button on the controller. Rolling dice by hand onto an actual surface had become too much of a chore, I suppose.

While I usually avoid the wizards and elves and all the other magical shit associated with role playing games, when I enter my name in Super Monopoly, I'll admit it, I get tickled by calling myself “Hammer.” I think of myself as MC Hammer in a frenzy of enterprise, constantly buying properties and overindulging, fully convinced I will never go broke. Occasionally I make jokes and observations from Hammer's perspective. Win or lose (and in this particular game I lean toward the latter), I feel like I'm enacting an episode of VH1's Behind the Music and I get a kick out of that.

I share some economical tendencies with Hammer. In life and Monopoly, as we see it, we only get so many opportunities, which means we should spend-spend-spend while we can and accept the consequences even if they turn out to be dire. In America as well as life, there is no hope for Socialism. They're both ventures for capitalists. The winners are rare, and the rest are left to scrounge for remnants of rancid chicken wings in the trash cans of back alleyways downtown. That's the bad news, but Hammer and I realize that in order to get rich, the first step is to at least try to get rich. Flawed and defective as we may be, we still owe effort to the game. It takes a lot of gumption to buy a second yacht or Park Place on a shoe-string budget, but even so, we'd forfeit our self-respect if we didn't purchase these extravagances when the opportunities presented themselves.

What follows is me (as Hammer) playing Monopoly with my friends—and if this premise seems outdated, bare in mind that Hammer appeared at the New Year's Eve countdown to 2013 on ABC. He performed a duet with that Korean pop-singer who resembles the late Kim Jong Ill.

It all begins with a pixelated hand rolling pixelated dice.


Act I: “Too Legit to Quit”

They say snake eyes are a bad omen, but Hammer just started this party by landing on the Community Chest. Runner-up in a beauty contest. Deal with that, haters. Gonna roll again, but before I do that, I gotta air a grievance about how they put Hammer in the same beauty contest with an unbeatable Goddess like Halle Berry.

Guess who just purchased the hell out of Oriental Avenue? My investment portfolio is gonna be so sound I'm destined to make Bill Gates look like a brain-dead chump.

It was a quiet turn for Hammer this time around, but at least I got to visit jail and counsel Chris Brown. “The good lord and Hammer both know that the ladies can drive a man mad and make him see red. But please, don't hurt 'em.”

More Stories, and Additional Stories is the name of that eBook.

We're Talkin' Hardball 2014

I'm so excited for Opening Day of Major League Baseball—America's least polar vortex-compatible team sport! Here is my overview of the 2014 season, replete with predictions that might even be accurate. (Note: An asterisk predicts a Wild Card team.)

National League East

1. Washington Nationals: Unlike last season, the Nationals should deliver on their prodigious hype in 2014. Bryce Harper, now old enough to legally drink, seems poised to emerge as an elite outfielder. Infielders Ryan Zimmerman and Ian Desmond will likely both belt over 20 homers and get on-base often. The Nationals' clear strength, however, is their pitching staff. Between strikeout masters Stephen Strasburg and Gio Gonzalez and the crafty Jordan Zimmerman, the Nats could produce two 20-game winners.

2. * Atlanta Braves: The tomahawk chop chanters could be World Series contenders. Led by first baseman Freddie Freeman, centerfielder Justin Upton, and a well-rounded supporting cast, their offense can produce. The Braves also have depth in their five-man rotation and closer Craig Kimbrel has a knack for striking out the side in the ninth inning.

3. Philadelphia Phillies: Infielders Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, and Jimmy Rollins are all well beyond the primes they established circa 2008. At age 35, Cliff Lee can still dominate on the mound, but nevertheless, the Phillies are too old to make a playoff push as they are currently constituted. The trade deadline and a rebuilding process await.

4. New York Mets: Losing young starter Matt Harvey to Tommy John surgery will preclude them from contending in 2014. Actually, even with Harvey, the Mets wouldn't have a playoff team. Third baseman David “Captain America” Wright is a very good player with a mediocre supporting cast.

5. Florida Marlins: Pitching wunderkind Jose Fernandez and bomber Giancarlo Stanton are players worth noting on an otherwise awful team.


NL CENTRAL

1. St. Louis Cardinals: The reigning National League champs are a safe bet to win the division again. Leadoff man Matt Carpenter scored a mind-boggling 126 runs last season. He should set the table for run-producers like Matt Holiday, Allen Craig, and one of the game's best catchers, Yadier Molina. The Cardinals' rotation is led by Cy Young hopeful Adam Wainwright and aspiring phenom Michael Wacha. Like it or not, we'll probably be watching the Redbirds compete in October.

2. Cincinnati Reds: Owing to middle-tier hitting, good pitching, and a closer who throws nasty heat (Aroldis Chapman), the Reds should finish above .500. With a judicious eye for balls and strikes, first baseman Joey Votto excels at drawing walks, but his approach has become too passive and he doesn't drive in as many runs as the Reds need him to. Defensively, Brandon Phillips is the most dazzling second baseman in baseball, but he's not an ideal cleanup hitter. Expect Johnny Cueto and Mat Latos to collectively win 30 games.

3. Milwaukee Brewers: With face-of-the-franchise Ryan Braun set to return from a disgraceful suspension, the Brewers' lineup should produce oodles of runs. Centerfielder Carlos Gomez and shortstop Jean Segura are dynamic cornerstones with All-Star talent. Their starting pitching figures to be solid but not great. Crew fans are advised to hope new acquisition Matt Garza can stay healthy. Compared to 2013, they should have better fortune where injuries and embarrassing scandals are concerned, but if their bullpen remains as faulty, the Brewers won't contend for a Wild Card spot.

4. Pittsburgh Pirates: Though reigning MVP Andrew McCutchen is an outstanding ballplayer, don't expect the Pirates to duplicate the success they had in 2013. Outfielder Starling Marte and pitcher Gerrit Cole could soon become impact players, but overall, their roster is underwhelming and it's unlikely they'll overachieve to the degree that they did last season.

5. Chicago Cubs: The perennial slogan of the north side's lovable losers, “Wait until next year,” is sure to be bandied about by early May at Wrigley Field—only this time, the adage might be justified. The Cubs are loaded with promising prospects in their farm system. 2014, however, will be a woeful season. At the very least, they're hoping to see progress from core players such as young first baseman Anthony Rizzo, shortstop Starlin Castro (who regressed from being a feisty hit-machine to managing just a .245 batting average), and ace-by-process-of-elimination Jeff Samardzija.


NL WEST

1. Los Angeles Dodgers: The Dodgers would be a colossal disappointment if they didn't at least earn a playoff spot. Clayton Kershaw and Zack Greinke are probably the best tandem of starters in baseball. Their lineup features a handful of All-Star-caliber hitters such as Hanley Ramirez, Adrian Gonzalez, Yasiel Puig, and (if healthy) Matt Kemp. What's more, their closer Kenley Jansen won't surrender too many late-inning leads.

2. * San Francisco Giants: Not long ago, the Giants won the World Series twice in three years. They specialize in winning close games by means of great pitching, opportunistic hitting, and a stingy bullpen. Matt Cain and Madison Bumgarner highlight their rotation, Buster Posey and Hunter Pence drive in runs, and Sergio Romo saves leads.

3. Arizona Diamondbacks: If you remember no one else from this respectable yet innocuous team, don't forget the name Paul Goldschmidt. The All-Star first baseman is one of the game's most remarkable talents, but the roster around him needs to be upgraded before his D-Backs can contend.

4. Colorado Rockies: No surprises here. Basically every year, Colorado has a few great players like Troy Tulowitzki and Carlos Gonzalez who benefit from hitting in the thin air of the Rocky Mountains—where safety squeezes sometimes lead to accidental home runs—but their pitching is deplorable. Still, Tulowitzki and CarGo ought to have monster seasons.

5. San Diego Padres: With a middling lineup and unexceptional pitching, the Padres will be overmatched more often than not. On the odd chance you're looking for reasons to get jacked about the 2014 Padres, second baseman Jedd Gyorko possesses plenty of pop and shortstop Everth Cabrera may steal 40 bases.


American League East

1. New York Yankees: The Pinstripes failed to reach the playoffs last year, but they haven't fallen short of the postseason in consecutive (full) seasons since '92 and '93. To the tune of Darth Vader's dirge, the evil empire spent the winter distributing checks to high-priced free agents like catcher Brian McCann and outfielders Jacoby Ellsbury and the aging but still productive Carlos Beltran. In a truly obscene gesture to small-market teams, the Yankees then added Masahiro Tanaka, who was undefeated (24-0) in Japan last season. Holdovers CC Sabathia, Alfonso Soriano, and Derek Jeter are too old to perform at the level they once did, but still, the damn Yankees are built to win now.

2. * Tampa Bay Rays: The anti-Yankees have thrived on a modest budget by drafting and developing homegrown talent. This is especially true of their pitching staff. Matt Moore, David Price, and Alex Cobb are all in their 20s and poised to post winning records and low ERA's. Though less formidable, their offensive attack was strengthened last year by rookie outfielder Wil Myers. He figures to slug in the meat of the order along with Evan Longoria and the versatile Ben Zobrist. The embattled Heath Bell will vie to become their closer, which means their bullpen could be an issue.

3. * Boston Red Sox: Two seasons ago, everything went wrong for the Red Sox. Last season saw a total reversal of fortune that led to their third World Series title in a decade. In 2014, some middle-ground of luck should be established; they’ll be competitive but a repeat is doubtful. With Jacoby Ellsbury departed, their lineup probably won’t score as often. Second baseman Dustin Pedroia and DH David Ortiz are productive, veteran leaders and bona fide heroes of Boston sports. On the mound, Jon Lester is a legit number-one starter. Clay Buchholz is very good but brittle. Their bullpen should be sterling.

4. Baltimore Orioles: Their lineup is awesome, but their starting pitching could be too dubious to earn a playoff spot. Chris Tillman will get run support, and consequently wins, but he's not a certifiable number-one. That aforementioned awesome lineup is bolstered by outfielder Adam Jones, first baseman Chris Davis, and newly acquired Nelson Cruz—but Baltimore will have to trade some hitting in exchange for pitching before the deadline in order to reach the postseason.

5. Toronto Blue Jays: Shortstop Jose Reyes is an electrifying leadoff man and Edwin Encarnacion is a beast, but the Jays' weak pitching will surrender more runs than their potent offense can score. Their division is brutal, too.


AL CENTRAL

1. Detroit Tigers: The annual favorite in their subpar division, the Tigers have impact players as well as notable contributors both at the plate and on the mound. Offensively, they swapped Prince Fielder for second baseman Ian Kinsler—who seems motivated to prove the Tigers got the better end of the deal. Outfielders Austin Jackson and the ageless Torii Hunter get on base, score runs, and provide a little home run thump, too. They precede Miguel Cabrera, the most dangerous slugger in baseball. Starter Justin Verlander was shockingly hittable last season, while Max Scherzer was as masterful as—well, Justin Verlander. As a duo, my hunch is that they’ll have even more shared success in 2014.

2. Kansas City Royals: On the cusp of finally returning to the postseason for the first time since 1985, the Royals wisely acquired the underrated Norichika Aoki to kick-start a lineup that includes capable hitters such as Alex Gordon, Billy Butler, and Eric Hosmer. Their closer, Greg Holland, totaled 47 saves last season. Their Achilles' heel is their rotation, which becomes dicey when someone other than James Shields takes the mound.

3. Cleveland Indians: The Tribe has a decent lineup, a poor rotation, and a closer who blew too many saves the last two seasons (Brewers' castaway John Axford). In a stouter division, they might very well finish last. Jason Kipnis is emerging as an elite second baseman and Carlos Santana is a proven cleanup hitter, but the Indians sorely lack shutdown pitching.

4. Chicago White Sox: Aside from Cy Young hopeful Chris Sale, this team lacks impact players. First baseman Jose Abreu could win Rookie of the Year, but aside from that, all indications are that it will be a pitiful summer for baseball in The Windy City.

5. Minnesota Twins: With a feeble offense, substandard pitching, and prospects still in development, the Twins equate to the Cubs of the American League.


AL West

1. Texas Rangers: Postseason underachievement prompted Prince Fielder’s trade to Texas, but he should thrive in the hitter-friendly confines of Rangers Park. The team also added outfielders Shin-Soo Choo and Alex Rios via free agency, who should steal bases and plate runs batting in front of mashers like Fielder and All-Star Adrián Beltré. Japanese import Yu Darvish is a sensational young pitcher and my pick to win the AL Cy Young. The rest of Texas’ rotation is solid, but they have a much lower ceiling. Their bullpen is the Rangers’ X factor.

2. Oakland Athletics: Though their “Moneyball” approach so often leads to overachieving surprises, the A's can't match the Rangers' talent and the AL East is stacked. Therefore, I'm betting against a Wild Card berth, but outfielders Coco Crisp and Yoenes Cespedes, third baseman Josh Donaldson, and some promising young pitchers make them a team worth watching.

3. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Outfielder Mike Trout is a virtuoso of a ballplayer, but the Angels sorely need both Albert Pujols and Josh Hamilton to redeem themselves and somehow justify their insanely lucrative contracts. Pitchers Jered Weaver and C.J. Wilson provide a steady one-two punch, but after them, the Angels don't have much pitching depth.

4. Seattle Mariners: “King” Felix Hernandez may be getting a bit more run support with the addition of slugger Robinson Cano, but the Mariners still have plenty of weaknesses in their lineup. Although Hernandez could win a Cy Young and Hisashi Iwakuma is a great second- starter, Kyle Seager and Corey Hart probably won't provide Cano with a legitimate supporting cast.

5. Houston Astros: Until the team's minor league talent makes it to the show, Houston is bound to have serious problems.

World Series: Dodgers over Rangers. I mean, Dodgers over Rangers?

Foolproof Brewers Prediction: Ryan Braun will get booed viciously when the Crew play games on the road.

Musings of Great Depth...by Nick Olig

Here's my column for April. I know, it's still March. Print is slower than the Internet, OK? It's your classic turtle vs. hare dichotomy...Only there's no way in hell the turtle is going to win this time.



If you were expecting a cohesive column about a singular topic, one that flows from beginning-to-middle-to-end, I've got a surprise for you, which I am going to state delicately, without the shock value of exclamation marks or the caps lock button: April Fool's. What follows is a collection of jokes I have posted on Facebook in the last two years—some of which even seemed to be liked by other people.


When I read something I've written online or in print, the one thing that really irks me is finding a sprelling mistake.

Bad form: I just loaded grounds into the coffee-maker and then turned it on and waited--without ever filling the pot up with water. To coffee, that's got to be like dry humping.

The toughest part of getting addicted to the drink Monster-Rehab must be dealing with all that irony.

 Identity theft is no joke. Unless a guy named Frank says yes when you ask him, "Can I be frank?"

The saying goes, "Pimpin' ain't easy," and naturally, I have no idea if that is truly the case. But I'll tell you what's got to be even harder than pimpin': Finding another job when the only experience on your resume is "Pimpin'."

Rappers are a confident bunch. What if people with more common jobs were so inclined to brag? We'd constantly hear boasting like: "I am the greatest Administrative Assistant alive!" "All the other whack CNA's can't match my skills." "My face belongs on the Mount Rushmore of Data Entry Clerks!" That'd be fun.

Just once I'd like to see someone approach a van that's a-rockin', ALMOST knock on it until reading the bumper sticker, and then respectfully nod and walk away.

My town is getting roundabouts. What's next?! The metric system? Soccer riots? Are we gonna have a King, Queen, AND Jack? My mind keeps turning and turning, and the worst part is, that's exactly what the roundabouts want us to do.

If scientists ever invent hover-cars, I'm OK with that, but they'd better not also invent hover-trains, 'cause then the two would still cross paths and stop the flow of traffic all over again.

I tried searching for myself online but had no luck whatsoever. What a ripoff. That's the last time I Google-search the word "myself."

Am I perfect? No. Can I give you one example? Yes. Do I sometimes present statements as questions? You get the idea.

On the 8th day of Christmas, I start to get Christmas confused with Hanukkah.

If you're unhappy about getting a Duck Dynasty Chia Pet for Christmas, here's the worst part: You can rain down tears of disappointment on it and that son-of-a-bitch will still grow a beard.

I want to pass along to my local friends that I got a sweet Jordy Nelson jersey for Christmas. Don't be fooled by it, though! If you see some pale guy in green, with #87 on his back, and maybe he's rummaging through your fridge for taco dip and beer, relax. It's not really Jordy. It's just me.

Follow-up to a recent status: I did NOT get mistaken for Jordy Nelson while wearing his jersey on Sunday. Apparently it's obvious to people that one of us is taller and more athletic than the other--and I'll leave it to you to determine who's who. But let's just say that somebody got scolded for "Bogarting" the taco dip while someone else totaled well over a hundred receiving yards before congratulating his pal Randall Cobb for scoring the game-winning touchdown at Soldier Field and leave it at that.

Today one of my favorite Packers, Donald Driver, retired with class as the franchise's leader in receptions, while one of my favorite Cubs, Mark Grace, got sentenced to a few months in jail for drunk driving—and that's a fine example of the Packers/ Cubs fan dynamic.

Sports Center just showed extensive clips from a soccer game that ended in a scoreless tie. Really, all the anchorman had to say was, “Absolutely nothing happened,” and move on.

Movie idea: "Home Alone with Zombies." A kid wakes up to an empty house, accidentally left behind by his vacationing parents. Then the zombie apocalypse happens. The kid has to booby-trap his home and behead the monsters with paint-cans swinging from ropes and so forth. Huge laughs.

Another movie idea: "Zom-Bees." It's about these bees that die only to reanimate and sting people all over again. Oh, and on the odd chance that sounds really stupid, there'd also be a whole lot of full-frontal nudity.

They probably called it "Alien vs. Predator" instead of "Alien v. Predator" so that people would know it's a movie and not a landmark Supreme Court ruling.

(During the promotion of a 2012 Tom Cruise film.) “I know how we can discourage people from making gay jokes about you: We’ll get you to play the part of a guy named ‘JACK REACHER.’” --Tom Cruise's agent.

AMC's “Steven Seagal Week” is sure to disappoint those who think Seagal movies deserve a whole month.

I can't find quality programming this afternoon. I don't want to watch Soap Oprahs, The Opry Winfrey Show, or the Grand Ole Opera. And I'm not going to read a book 'til I get the dyslexia thing checked out.

Detroit has filed for bankruptcy. I didn't know a city could do that. It's like hearing that Boston is consolidating its student loans or the Twin Cities found out they're actually adopted.

Remember those humongous TVs that were popular just before flat-screens? In 2004, it was cool to have a 400-pound TV. People were like, "This bad boy'll be in my living room 'til the day I die. I'll NEVER have to lift it again. Woo-hoo!" And a couple years later, a group of able-bodied adults had to be rounded up to lug the humongous TV out to the front porch, where a crane moved the TV to a bulldozer that rode to the city dump.

Remember those Publisher's Clearing House commercials in which the winners were surprised at their front door by Ed McMahon holding a big check? Those checks were just props. The real ones were much, much
larger.

(Not long after the Mayan calendar incorrectly prophesized the end of the world.) To add insult to injury, in the afterlife, I’ll bet some Spanish conquistadors have been pointing and laughing at some Ancient Mayans for two days straight.

“You Only Live Once”? “YOLO”?! Hey...Try telling that to a Hindu.

If you're a huge fan of Dungeons and Dragons but you're having trouble meeting new people, I don't know, maybe scale it back a bit. Make it known that you're only into Dungeons. Or Dragons, strictly Dragons. Just a thought.

Now that I've learned "Trolling" just means to heckle people on the Internet and has nothing to do with the existence of actual trolls, I'm going to be a lot more relaxed the next time I have to cross a bridge in the woods.

I'll admit it. Sometimes I post what I consider to be a funny observation and NOBODY seems to like it. And that's a feeling like offering a high-five and being shunned, only it's happening on the Internet, which somehow makes it sadder. But I just thought of an awesome safe-guard against that kind of a letdown. I'm gonna like my own status.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I sure liked that last one.