Tweets from the Future

^Stephen King's horror classic Coach Getting Hit by Soda Cans was unconscionably snubbed at the Oscars back in '87.^

When I read that Amazon was designing delivery drones, I immediately pictured the robotic flying things one day shooting death-rays at innocent people. I got rattled by that level of technology in the works. Was that just me?

Now, I realize there's got to be a sensible reality somewhere between death rays in the sky and the notion that delivery drones are going to make all our lives perfect, but I'm more intrigued by the things that could, hypothetically, go wrong. Amazon's plan is to maximize their already soaring profits by trimming delivery costs—by cutting out the middleman, so to speak. And it doesn't take a genius to see that you can't spell “middleman” without “man.” Humanity could be made less important by the machines we create. That's the anxiety that a lot of science-fiction books and movies try to express.

Of course, not all of the grim prophesies foretold in science-fiction will come to fruition. Even so, if just one of those prophesies really happens, it would be significant enough to impact somebody's day. And then, naturally, that humanoid is going to let everyone and their Foot-Rub-Bots know about it on Twitter.

While we should all hope none of the following Tweets eventually get sent, that doesn't have to stop us from looking at the funny side of what could be a future gone awry.

"I'm so glad Twitter expanded its limitations per entry! Finally, humanity is free to ramble for as many as 539 characters." #FixingAPlotHole

“At Smitty's bar with friends. Not sure which ones 'cause I haven't looked up from my phone since I got here.” #NowToPlayCandyCrush

“On-line shopping is the best! It's so convenient. And since I also work from home and then play X-Box for hours on end, I haven't had to leave the house in two months!” #Shut-InsUniteOnTheWeb

“So grateful to have survived open-heart surgery! The da Vinci Robot performed the operation perfectly. Sure, I'm not crazy about the tattoo it later etched into my chest, which reads, 'Suck it, humans,' but I guess beggars can't be choosers.” #RoboBlessed

“Amazon's delivery drones are the bomb! My Ray Bradbury paperback arrived so quickly I was able to bring it to today's book-burning fest. I got 451 problems, but a book ain't one!” #Pop-CulturePun

“Remember that cop in shiny armor who got in trouble for cracking too many skulls in Detroit? He must've been fired or demoted. We just saw him on patrol at the mall. He hassled me for littering outside of the Orange Julius. When I told him to frig off, he grabbed his gun but kept it in the holster. His lips started to tremble and then he turned his back to us, muttering. And as he shuffled away, we all had to laugh 'cause he walked like he had a carbon-rod up his butt.” #RoboMallCop

“All these decades after the album came out, I can't believe scientists have finally invented an actual Mr. Roboto. They say it's just a prototype and that someday it will serve a purpose, but for now all it does is perform a bunch of God-awful Styx songs.” #WorseThanHoveringREOSpeedwagon

“I appreciate our bomb-disarming Bot as much as anyone else on the SWAT Team, but after it's done its job, does it really have to be programmed to say, 'Suck it, humans'?” #RoboBadmouthing

“We're trying to get back to normal after a day of no electricity. Total chaos! The power outage. Transformers blown. It was tough on everyone in the neighborhood— except for the Transformers. They all seemed to be enjoying themselves.” #OptimusPrimeIsSlime

“Soda machines dispense cans so fast these days! Coach bought Cokes for our little league team, and in no time, they were zipping out of there. The only bad part is that coach got beaned in his crotch and then his head a bunch of times and the paramedic sort of mentioned that he might die or something. Not sure. At the time I was all about savoring that speedy soda!” #MaximumOverdriveClipAvailableOnYouTube

^This scene went on for a solid forty-five minutes, so you can imagine how disappointed the cast and crew were when the Academy failed to acknowledge their work.^


“What's with all this fuss about eating Soylent Green? Personally, I shrugged when they told us that Mountain Dew Kickstart was made from horse adrenaline, and now I don't care if Soylent Green is really human meat.” #YesWeCannibalsCan

“Flirting with a chick at the bar. She warned me to tread lightly since she's a Replicant. I think that means she's got a twin sister, so that's pretty hot.” #UnlessHerReplicantIsADude

“Yaaawwwnnn. Another boring night of work at Skynet HQ. I don't know why they need so many security guards to protect these fancy computers, but if it means getting paid to phone-ogle 'This Week in Cleavage,' I'll play their game. Wait a sec. A scientist, a punk-kid, a buff woman, and a Dolph Lundgren-looking biker-dude just walked into the lobby. What is this? The setup to a joke? And why do they have duffel-bags? I'll bet they're selling office supplies door-to-door. LOL, gotta go deal with some bozos.” #DefinitelyNoGunsInThoseBags

“Kinda sucks to be plucked from high-school and picked for this whole fight-to-the-death-in-the-forest thing, but at least they let me keep my phone. Gonna snap a pic of some dork perched on a tree branch aiming that stupid bow and arrow.” #Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

“Tonight's episode of The Running Man was a real letdown. I get that the show is all about gladiators hunting national disgraces, but it was way too easy for Captain Freedom to chase down Rush Limbaugh.” #HeartAttackWasVictorious

“I have a couple questions about this little outbreak of the flesh-eating undead. First off, is it OK if we call them 'zombies,' or is that a faux pas for some reason? Secondly, can our proton-packs be used to destroy them, or do they only work on ghosts? Finally, do the walking corpses ever have to go number-two?” #EverybodyPoops?

“Will everyone please chill out about this 'Matrix' hoopla? Look, ever since we found out football was a hoax after those pro wrestling refs decided that Packers-Seahawks game, is it really a big surprise that reality itself is a hoax and we're mere human batteries used to power our machine-overlords? Heck, I saw it coming.” #NowToPlayCandyCrush2

“Wow. I just glanced through this farmhouse window and saw pigs standing on two feet around the same dinner table as some men. They put their game of cards on hold, a man made a speech, a pig made a speech, and then they shared a toast in celebration. Now I've seen EVERYTHING...Just like Big Brother!” #OrwellianEnding