Down with Santa (edit)

^What a crock of shit this is.^

At the age of seven, I became a Santa-atheist. It wasn't by choice. As the youngest in a family of Catholics, I was, by consequence, the last of the true believers in Santa. Months before Christmas, my older brothers got struck by a mischievous whim; they joined forces and exposed the truth about the fat man in red to me. When my mom was called into the room and she somberly nodded that yes, what they had told me was true, I was crushed. I whimpered and wept, which was as enthralling to my older brothers as a fireworks display.


Devastated and disillusioned, my wounded imagination connected the dots to other figures of dubious existence. In no time, flying reindeer, the Tooth Fairy, and Johnny Appleseed were defrauded, too. My faith in God wavered. I put the Man Upstairs on notice. Adults forever lost a great deal of credibility.

There are other ways to learn the truth about Santa. My sister, for instance, found out while playing a home-game of Family Feud. The survey was “Make-Believe Characters.” An older cousin unassumingly guessed “Santa Claus.” Survey says? Ding! They won that round but lost their childhood innocence. Well-played, Parker Brothers.

A more common debunking occurs when kids walk in on their parents scattering presents around the tree. This can be unpleasant, too, and it can become disastrous if dad and mom also got sidetracked role-playing as horny Santa and drunk Mrs. Claus.

Since the Santa mythology pretty much ruined my whole outlook on life, I've come up with some suggestions to parents when the time comes to dispel the fib they really didn't have to tell in the first place.

Parents who love science-fiction flicks are advised to hold out their hands and offer their kids a choice between gobbling a blue Sweet-Tart or a red Sweet-Tart. Tell them that the blue Sweet-Tart, unlike the Santa-colored one, will allow them to see the true nature of life and reality. If they choose the blue candy, go Morpheus on those kids and reveal the truth about the Santa-Matrix. If they choose the red candy, consider disowning them.

Moms and dads who voted against Obama should let their children know that Santa wears red because he's a communist, a slob with a bleeding heart who dodges income tax at the North Pole and only works one day a year, a pinko who runs a not-for-profit business, and a 47-percenter whose very existence should be denied. (Truth be told, I stole this idea from Rush Limbaugh.)

More Stories, and Additional Stories is the name of that eBook.