My Goofy Eulogy

^ This delightful picture was taken moments after someone reminded me that someday I'm going to die.^

I wrote this when I was 17-ish, remembered it recently, dug it out of a drawer, thought the jokes held up pretty well, revised it a little bit, and now it's the first story I did in high school to appear on this blog.


The year was 1982. A young MTV actually aired music-related programming. Ronald Reagan led the country on an outrageous roller coaster ride of ultra-conservatism. And a man and a woman had sex. Their names need not be mentioned, but the youngest child of Bill and Ruth Olig turned out to be the greatest human being of all time.

The talented visionary showed promise at an early age when his first means of verbal communication was not a mere word but an elaborate sentence: “Whoa, Christ, I'm carrying around a ten pound load of crap here; somebody wanna change me or what?”

In 1987, he became the youngest person ever to be shot out of a cannon through a series of blazing rings. His parents would later apologize for the reckless act.

At age 9 Nick won the Nobel Prize for coming up with conclusive evidence that Spiderman could indeed beat Batman in a fight.

On his graduation day, he solidified his reputation as class clown by accepting his diploma, pulling out a toy gun from under his gown, and pointing it at the principal before declaring, “JUST KIDDING!” He squezed the trigger and a small banner unfurled from the barrel which read, “School Pride.”

Nick's legacy of peace and nonviolence was firmly established at age 22 when he pummeled Saddam Hussein in a steel cage wrestling match.

The next year Nick made the move to New York and won a Tony Award for his stirring performance in the musical adaptation of Booty Call.

He made his contribution to the world of science by renaming that hanging ball in the back of the throat to something plain and easier to remember. Since 2009, it has been called the “Chankakitanuevenhoto”--the Cherokee word for “simple.”

Before game 7 of the 2012 World Series, Nick was so determined to see his beloved Cubs win that he knocked out, gagged, and stole the uniform of the Yankees' center-fielder in an effort to sabotage the opposing team. Incredibly, nobody detected his scheme, but he accidentally hit three home-runs and the Cubs lost.

More Stories, and Additional Stories is the name of that eBook.