Tall, Dark, Handsome Men in Uniform are Overrated

^The one on the right is Ashton Kutcher. This was taken from the movie The Guardian, by the way, which was a drama, but remarkably, it was still funnier than That '70s Show. ^

For those reading this who don't know what I look like: I'm about 5'8”--which is by no means tall.


I've got brown hair—which is darker than blond but not as dark as black. Plus, my skin is white—so white that, during winter, when sunlight become scarce in Wisconsin, my complexion turns paler; it becomes even less dark.

In regard to handsomeness, I rank somewhere between dreamy hunk and sideshow monstrosity—and whether I'm deemed a '5' or a '6' or (on my most debonair days) a '7' out of 10 in the eyes of women is awfully tough for me to gage with any zest or accuracy because I've never had the urge to fuck myself. So, sure, let's just go with a '7' 'cause I guess confidence is kind of a big deal to women for some reason.

Finally, although my beloved fantasy football team could not exist without men in uniform, and regardless of the fact that men in uniform fight in wars on behalf of my country, on a personal level, there is nothing more demeaning than dressing in the exact same fashion as a bunch of dudes who don't at all represent who I am.

Obviously, I'm nonplussed by the way our culture gushes about tall, dark, handsome, men in uniform. But since I'm not genetically geared to smooch or fondle another man without choking down some of my own barf, I should at least try to bridle my scrutiny of heterosexual women and homosexual men. I am, after all, incapable of truly relating to their physical desires. For the sake of self-preservation, however, I can relay some reasons why the ideal man is not necessarily one that is tall, dark, handsome, and dressed in a uniform (which, by and by, will almost certainly compromise and corrupt his ability to think and act for himself).

Tall is attractive, eh? As a short guy, I'm supposed to concede superiority to all those self-righteous stiffs who blocked my vantage-point of Radiohead when they played at Alpine Valley in 2003—is that the idea? Fate dictates that I should bow down to their genetic inclination for changing the bulbs on ceiling fans?

Nuts to that. Tall men oftentimes get so complacent with their God-given ability to inform others when their uppermost cupboards get too dusty that they don't even bother trying to hone interesting personalities. Tall men become so impressed by how easy they can slam-dunk a basketball without jumping very high that they scarcely consider the feelings and thoughts of others doomed to live at less freakish heights. Tall men flourish on the same superficial premise as women with double-D breasts because tall men are expected to have sizable penises—to the extent that every time I hear a woman pine for tall men, I strip her statement down to a likely longing for large cocks, and once that becomes clear, I really don't see why it's so offensive for a man to admit that his ideal woman “has some big titters.” The language is draped in a degree of tact by the finer gender, but the sentiment remains the same: Big cocks, big tits, go BIG or go home. That has become the American mantra on sex.

Now, if I'm exaggerating too much, ladies, if I'm mistaken that the appeal of a tall man has a whole lot to do with the size of his penis, please lure back to your bed a tall man who, unexpectedly, is not especially well-hung, and candidly report back your assessment of getting it on with that guy.

Particularly for short women who desire tall men, the penis has got to paramount. When those couples hug, the scene looks like a baby orangutang with her arms looped around her male caretaker. Who would want to endure such a farce in public without the boon of a big wiener?

Tall, dark, handsome men in uniform must necessarily be DARK—and that's an especially vexing expectation in a country who gave its first black residents such a cruel introduction to the workforce. If “dark” is truly idealized in the eyes of heterosexual women, there really should be more interracial couples. And I'm OK with that, but racially conscious women just might assert that—and hey, no offense—the longing for “dark” men does not imply a longing for African-American men, but rather for Caucasian men with black hair. When those dopey idealizers say “dark,” I guess, they don't necessarily mean to say “black,” even though “black” is as dark as a color can possibly get.

Ultimately, these women thirst for an inverse-version of the Arian race. Whereas Hitler had a creepy, Nazi hard-on for blond-haired white boys, advocates of the dark=sexy persuasion seem to have a bias against men who were born with light-colored hair.

If I were to substitute a synonym for “dark,” why on earth would it seem edgy to assert that the ideal American man is tall, BLACK, handsome, and dressed in uniform? Because perhaps more than half the nation would jump at the chance to replace such a man with yet another rich white asshole with dark hair.

And as far as the quality of handsomeness is concerned, do we really need to devise more ways to make ugly people feel inferior? Does it have to be a priority to make homely dudes feel even less special than they already do by gushing all these platitudes about, “tall, dark, HANDSOME men in uniform”? Jesus. At least give the mutated underdogs a chance.

The “men in uniform” part of the worshiping is the funnest to debase. In most cases, a man in uniform is but an average guy who's willing to scream, “YES, SIR!” And he doesn't find the experience humiliating since all the others in the group are screaming the same thing, and anyway, once the war is over or the game ends, he knows he can go home to a woman who will fuck him because her sex goes gaga for men in uniform. We have the appeal of anatomically correct Ken dolls to them, dressed fancily in a neat and tidy row.

I realize men have been culpable for just about every global catastrophe throughout history, but women could do their part to reduce ongoing plights like warfare and concussions in the NFL by simply gazing at the occasional man in uniform and shrugging: “Meh...I don't see what all the fuss is about.”

And if just ONE less 18-year-old quits the army or his high-school football team, thereby avoiding death in the cross-hairs of a foreign soldier (who is also fighting with the main intent of impressing a chick who digs men in uniform) or sparing his brain from 6 concussions in the span of a month that will cause him dementia and depression later on his life...it will be worth it.

Tear down the self-esteem of a man in uniform every once in a while, will ya? I can't do this alone, ladies; most people don't care what I think.

That's why I think tall, dark, handsome men in uniform are overrated. If I failed in my argument against them, however, I have a request to all the women reading this: Bang LeBron James. He's got to be the gold-standard of tall, dark, handsome men in uniform, and if you're gonna tune out my rhetoric, don't be middling about your desires. Bang Lebron James so that his tall, dark, handsome, uniform-wearing seed spreads all across America. Bang Lebron James until he surpasses Wilt “The Stilt” Chamberlain's record of 10,000 bedded women. Make The Stilt feel like an emasculated sissy in comparison to Lebron James. Bang Lebron James as lustily and as often as you can. Live life to the fullest.

Go big or go home.



“I couldn't care less if she never came back/ I was gonna leave her anyway/ And all the good times that we shared/ Don't mean a thing today/ Say 'Sour grapes'/ You can laugh and stare/ Say 'Sour grapes'/ But I don't care” --John Prine