The Hindsight Awards

As an outrageous footnote to the horrid scandal of Jerry Sandusky—the former Penn St. defensive coach accused of sexual abuse by at least ten young men—it should be mentioned that in 2001, the man published an autobiography titled, Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story. This means that, creepily enough, one can browse through a Barnes & Noble store or Amazon.com and happen upon a book designated as “Touched by Jerry Sandusky.”

His book concludes with the following sentiment: “...I hope I can add a little touch to others' lives...” The alleged pedophile seemingly intended his title and parting words to reflect the hopes of a noble philanthropist, but a decade later, his literary work serves as rotten and damning evidence against his claim of innocence.

Now, to be clear: I do not think a transgression as heinous and depraved as child-molestation is funny by nature. I do, however, have a fondness for irony, especially the sort of irony that (however belatedly) gives a doomed lowlife his comeuppance. Furthermore, I recognize that tragicomedy exists, even when the ratio of tragedy to comedy is about 99.9% to .1%.

To elaborate some on that .1%, then, I have to offer a rough sketch of a ceremony I think the general public should hold on an annual basis. The event would acknowledge the awful happenings from the past that were unknown but now seem dreadfully obvious. And since the disgrace in question relates to athletics, it's only fitting that two sports-announcers should host this segment:


The Hindsight Awards

Clutching microphones, broadcasters Al Michaels and Bob Costas sit behind a desk. Behind them, spectators abuzz with anticipation fill out a vast auditorium. Spotlights flicker across the expansive stage pictured in the background.

Al Michaels: Hello and welcome to this year's Hindsight Awards—recognizing the horrible things we should have seen coming but somehow didn't. It's been a prolific year for hindsight, hasn't it, Bob?

Bob Costas: You said it, Al. So many travesties in sports that should have been put to a halt years ago but sadly weren't. The hindsight judges have singled out the three worst offenders, though, and presently, the favorite will be Touched by Jerry Sandusky.

Al Michaels: Or perhaps Bernie Fine.

Bob Costas: Yes, quite the tragedy in its own right. Hindsight voters can't overlook the grim truth that Syracuse basketball was, for years, the only program that traveled its ball boy to games on the road.

Al Michaels: To satisfy the depraved lust of an allegedly lecherous coach. Chilling.

Bob Costas: Yes. Chilling and painfully obvious, looking back. But let's not forget about the third nominee for this year's award, defending champ O.J. Simpson.

Al Michaels: Author of If I Did It, a proposal outlining the ways in which O.J. would have gone about killing his ex-wife and her lover had he actually been guilty of the crime.

Bob Costas: Which he most certainly was.

Al Michaels: In hindsight, yes, Bob—that's exactly right. Along with our other nominees, O.J. has been sequestered in a heavily guarded dressing room for tonight's festivities.

Bob Costas: Truly, a hellish den of unrepentant sinners. What are your thoughts on the front-runner for this year's Hindsighty?

Al Michaels: O.J. is still a force to be reckoned with, but it can't be overstated that for two long and intense weeks, the front-runner has been Touched by Jerry Sandusky.

Bob Costas: And Barney Fine?

Al Michaels: He's a worthy nominee, but let's be clear: Sandusky has the edge over Fine where allegations are concerned. The State of New York's statute of limitations on charges of pedophilia provides a comparatively restricted window of time for its devastated accusers--which is bad news for Hindsighty hopeful Bernie Fine.

Bob Costas: What a repulsive thing to keep in mind. Now, for the bettors in our viewing audience, let's send it to Joe Buck, live from Las Vegas.

Inside a tense betting room, anxious gamblers huddle in front of TV sets behind Joe Buck.

Joe Buck: Here in Vegas, the prevailing sentiment seems to be that double-murder, and years later, assault with a deadly weapon may be even worse than perversely touching a child. That means the odds have once again tilted in O.J.'s favor. Right now, insiders believe that the underdog is going to be Touched by Jerry Sandusky. Back to you, Bob.

Coverage returns to Costas and Michaels.

Bob Costas: Wow. I did not see that coming.

Al Michaels: How apropos.

The two indulge in a fit of jovial laughter punctuated by knee-slapping.

Behind the two, a lanky figure dressed in a tuxedo approaches the podium.
Bob Costas: With no further analysis, then, we take you to Cris Collinsworth for the unveiling of this year's Hindsighty.

Self-assured and proudly postured, a dapper Cris Collinsworth addresses the audience. He taps an envelope against the podium and begins his speech.

Cris Collinsworth: Not since almost winning a Super Bowl have I been bestowed with such a remarkable yet appalling honor. Google's Synonym-Finder cites “retrospect” as another term for “hindsight,” and since I don't know what that word word means, either, I asked my son, who gave me a rough definition that I could wrap my brain around. (He chuckles.) Now, the votes have already been counted, but I have to confess that I'm biased. You see, my son is a full-on, Touched by Jerry Sandusky supporter.

The camera-view switches to show Costas and Michaels slapping hands against faces and shaking heads in bewildered unison.

Cris Collinsworth: (Still chuckling.) He wants it to be Touched by Jerry Sandusky in the worst way, but we'll see about that. OK. Now, let's find out this year's Hindsighty winner in sports. The nominees are Touched by Jerry Sandusky...And Bernie Fine...And last but certainly not least, the reigning champ, O.J. Simpson!

Everyone in the arena applauds while booing. Collinsworth opens the envelope in his hand.

Cris Collinsworth: And the winner is...Touched by Jerry Sandusky! Let's go to the dressing room of the nominees, where an armed police officer is poised to give that awful degenerate his award.

Grinning boyishly, equipped with a statuette and a shotgun, a cop waves hello. He nudges the door open to the dressing room, only to recoil and gasp. He shakes his head dismally, shuts the door in slow increments, and signs the beheading hand-gesture to the camera.

On-set, Costas and Michaels are shown, both intently pressing their earpieces as they receive new information from the producers.

Al Michaels: Good God. I don't believe it. Folks, in a sick and bizarre twist at this year's ceremonies, we have reports that both Sandusky and Fine have been found dead in the dressing room they shared with O.J. Simpson.

Bob Costas: Yes. They're apparent victims of self-strangulation.

Al Michaels: Sickening. Let's throw it to former NBC commentator O.J. Simpson for his analysis. Juice?

Swarmed by gun-toting cops and clad in orange prison garb, O.J. grips a microphone outside the scene of the crime. Sweat drips from his forehead but he manages a warm smile.

O.J. Simpson: Thanks, Al. And congratulations to the deceased. Now, I just want to make one thing clear: I don't know who or what killed those two men...but I'm determined to write a book on the mystery, titled If I Killed Jerry Sandusky and Bernie Fine, Here's How I'd Do It. I'll see you at next year's Hindsightys, guys!

The view returns to Michaels and Costas, both tickled and awestruck. Michaels shrugs deliberately.

Al Michaels: That's our O.J.!

Bob Costas: Such a rascal.