I'd like to publish another collection of comedic stories in due time. My plan is to write 50 or 60 of the things and choose the best 40 for inclusion in the book.
There is no chance "Favorite Video Games" will make the cut. It will become like a runt in the litter and I'll have to drown it—as was done in the crueler times of bygone eras.
I am resigned to all of that and look forward to finishing this countdown so that I can write something that appeals to a wider range of readers. But in my defense, I usually try to somehow relate the video game to a band, song, TV show, movie, or actual happenings in my life that are in some way interesting.
And maybe that's the problem...
Yikes.
This list is now part albatross, part marathon. It's an albothon, really. An albothon occurs when it feels like you're running a marathon with an albatross around your neck, when in reality you've just been sitting on your ass the entire time, either writing or playing video games.
Actually, to tell you the truth, I think that is a pretty appealing lifestyle.
14.Super Punch-out for SNES: Some are bound to bicker that the 1st Punch-out is superior—but that is hogwash. The NES version is certainly more challenging, as the 8-bitters tend to be, but Super Punch-out is loaded with far superior graphics, an upgraded super-punch system, and better controls. Why deny its merits just because it's not the originator? The Empire Strikes Back (Episode V) is more captivating and suspenseful than A New Hope (Episode IV), isn't it, nerds? Sequels don't typically surpass originals, but sometimes it happens. Purists need to realize there are exceptions to most every rule, and Super Punch-out exemplifies that.
Turning Little Mac, the diminutive underdog, transparent for the fighting at 1st seems like a quirky choice by the designers, but this visual touch allows for a better view of the player's wily and comical opponent, making it easier to measure up the likes of Bald Bull and Mr. Sandman.
Aside from eternal loser Gabby Jay, each opponent provides a puzzle of attacks and dodges to be deciphered through trial-and-error. The thrilling challenge of Super Punch-out is the way Little Mac is ALWAYS over-matched. He is bereft of brutal gimmicks like the Exercise Programs of Super Macho Man and he must play by the rules—unlike the fat clown who spits blinding seltzer water and the ancient Japanese mystic who inflicts chunks of damage with strikes from his wooden cane. Little Mac has inferior strength, speed, and versatility; he must use his wits and perfect timing to defeat all 16 fighters in the game.
He is the Underdog Spoon so melodically warned us about. Rick and Nick Bruiser had no fear of the Underdog. That's why they did not survive.
13.Grand Theft Auto: Vice City for PS2: The first GTA for PS2 broke more ground than its successor, but Vice City is a bit more ambitious. With voice-acting contributions from stars like Ray Liotta, Burt Reynolds, and Dennis Hopper, more weapons and vehicles to choose from, an expanded soundtrack, and an even broader 3-D landscape in which to stir up homicidal mischief, I once more give the edge—by less than the width of a fingernail—to the sequel.
As usual, no cops, hookers, or drug lords were harmed in the production or playing of this Grand Theft Auto title. It's funny how the same conservative zealots who condemn violence in video games (oftentimes) don't mind actual wars or budget cuts that come at the expense of the education system. In 20 years, when Grand Theft Auto: Rampage in the Vatican is released for Playstation 5, our culture will still embrace fully interactive malice, but I worry that America's kids may become too dumb to discern fantasy from real life. That is a gripe, however, to expound on at a different time.
Oh, and in the interest of citing a separate snippet from pop-culture to accompany this Vid, give a listen to the Geto Boys' “Damn, It Feels Good to be a Gangsta.” Mind-numbing and stifling jobs like the one Peter Gibbons had in Office Space are a primary reason why grown men turn to violent video games, by the way. Who wouldn't crave a simulated killing spree after another long day of squandering life away in a cubicle for a paycheck, at the mercy of phony greed-mongers in dapper pink shirts?
There is a chance I'm getting my wires crossed on this one, but I doubt it. If that is the case, though, let it be known that I played a lot of GTA and watched Office Space many times in college, and so the two will forever seem linked.
12. Tony Hawk's Pro-Skater 3 for PS2: No title in its genre has ever sensationalized the sport to such an absurd extent to the delight of so many gamers. The only thing realistic about Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 is the excitement. A 90-second flurry of kick-flips, shove-its, dark-slide grinds, Benihana 720s, and unifying manuals in an airport is truly inconceivable, and yet real skateboarders hardly minded; rather than abhor the lack of realism, they embraced the fantasy, and those of us who are dismissed as hapless klutzes when stepping foot on a four-wheeled platform felt the exact same way.
Harmony was achieved between (sometimes aspiring) professionals and hopeless novices. There is no call for realism in THPS3, no purists to spoil the fun. It's the video game equivalent of a Jawbreaker show in which the band members and the audience alike levitate high above the ground for 90 minutes in blissful defiance of the laws of gravity.
11.Mariokart: Double Dash for Gamecube: In an essay called “The Type who Craves Punishment,” I related sessions of Mariokart: 64 to sadomasochism and ill-fated relationships. This installment of Kart is slightly superior to the one I devoted so much thought to.
The same delightful pitfalls that apply to the 64 version—delusions of persecution and blitzes of anarchy—apply to Double Dash as well. The graphics are more refined, though, and there are more characters in the mix, and the added gimmick of two Nintendo legends per Kart truly benefits the series. And a special attack unique to each driver is an extra perk.
I highly recommend this Vid, especially if you can find 4 controllers for the obsolete Gamecube. I had better stop raving about it because I have no doubt exceeded a reasonable amount of words an (ideally) self-respecting writer should devote to the Mariokart series.
10. Donkey Kong Country for SNES: First Donkey Kong was a villain who took a cue from Bowser and kidnapped a Princess he presumably intended to rape, sadly, and then he was a slovenly gorilla who wore a wife-beater as a forgettable option in the original Mariokart, and then it was decided by some graphically gifted geek at Rareware that he should become a hero paired with an athletic but small monkey in a vibrant red cap and crusade against an evil crocodile in my absolute favorite side-scrolling platform Vid.
Makes sense to me!
Donkey Kong represents the career arc of Brett Favre from a Vikings fan's perspective. For so long he was a nemesis, but the mutations that come with time elapsed turned him into a beloved figure. No one thought it was possible, but conversely, only a fool would have deemed it impossible.
And I don't want to hear any bunk contentions that Donkey Kong Country 2 is the superior version. Despite its merit, it's like an album by the Beatles with no input whatsoever from John Lennon...what would I call that? Oh yeah, a Paul McCartney solo album—which no doubt boasts some chops, hooks, and pop pizzazz, but simply doesn't measure up to feats that have already been done.
9. Metal Gear Solid: Sons of Liberty for PS2: How many Metal Gears must the player destroy at the end of this epic crusade of stealth and combat? The answer is a shit-load. The game keeps going after that test of prowess with a rocket launcher, too. After all those Metal Gears are blown up, you still have to slay some nasty brute named Solidus in a sword fight. Let's rewind now: Before all of THAT, in the span of a long, long time of gaming, this Vid is positively stuffed with action. (Battles with a vampire and an elusive jet that shoots missiles, hasty bomb-disarmings, killing a fat guy on roller-skates, choking henchmen to death and then dragging their bodies away so they can't be found by other henchmen who want to tattle on you...oh, the list goes on.)
Some fans of the series were disappointed about someone other than Solid Snake--a blond codenamed Raiden--serving as the central character for 3-quarters of this masterpiece.
What follows is by no means an airtight analogy, and I'm not crazy about AC/DC, either, but here goes nothing: Raiden is to Brian Johnson as Solid Snake is to Bon Scott. Johnson took over for Scott as the lead singer of AC/DC in 1980 after Scott got disastrously drunk and choked on his own vomit. The success of AC/DC did not diminish when Johnson joined the band. Quite the opposite: Highway to Hell, Scott's swan song, established AC/DC as a powerful force in hard rock, but Back in Black, with Johnson on lead screeches, catapulted the band into newfound popularity.
Such is the relationship between Raiden and Solid Snake—although Solid Snake didn't actually DIE in SOL, and I'd be the last one to argue that Raiden nailed as many loose women as Brian Johnson.
8. Super Mario for N-64: Remember when I wrote that Donkey Kong Country is my favorite SIDE-SCROLLING platform game? Good times. Well, this is my favorite platform game (period). Super Mario in 3 dimensions--aided by an arsenal of innovative jumps and an adjustable camera perspective that revolutionized gaming--remains a superb achievement.
Perhaps my most noteworthy feat as a button-mashing addict is collecting all 120 stars in this Vid. For what it's worth, I earned the right to shoot Mario out of a cannon on the front lawn of Princess Peach's estate onto the roof of her castle, where Yoshi offered words of congratulations.
“You know you could've stopped playing this game once you defeated Bowser for the umpteenth time, right?” I recall Yoshi saying. “You rescued the Princess awhile ago. Now you're just jerking off. I mean...JESUS, you're so pale and skinny. You should go outside and lift some weights in the sunshine.
“So pale,” Yoshi added, shaking his head in dismay.
7. Goldeneye 007 for N-64: All that really needs to be written about lucky number 7 on our countdown is that it's still my favorite first-person shooter—in both single and multi-player modes. It is not without competition from the likes of Time Splitters, CoDBO, and Perfect Dark, but the urge to equate the Orleans pop song “Still the One” (as in “Still the one that can scratch my itch”) to Goldeneye is stubbornly lodged deep in my brain. And I'm okay with that.
My favorite character to pick in multi-player shoot-outs is Baron Samadi, the sinister and mysterious voodoo priest--mostly to counteract someone else's selection of that half-pint creep Odd-job. The Baron's height allows for easier head-shots on the wee nuisance.
Now you know!
6. WWF: No Mercy for N-64: As I stated before, I like to kick ass. Seriously. But only when the violence is entirely make-believe. The most fitting case in point for this adage has got to be a Vid based on the farcical spectacle of pro-wrestling.
It's NEVER been real to me, dammit! But what does that matter? I don't watch the bogus pageant of tough guys on TV anymore, but I'll still play the video games for the N-64. They're so much fun.
The outstanding create-a-wrestler feature has allowed me to pit Abraham Lincoln, football coach Mike "I'm a Man, I'm 40" Gundy, Walker of Texas Ranger fame, and Principal Blackman from Strangers with Candy against each other in a Royal Rumble. I do love phony violence between historical figures and TV characters and such. It really tickles me silly.
5. Tecmo Super Bowl for NES: Trouncing the computer 49-7 is par for the course in the early weeks of a Tecmo Super Bowl season. The opposing secondary is lethargic and constantly vulnerable to deep passes from the likes of Joe Montana or Dan Marino to Jerry Rice or Mark Clayton. The running back you control on sweeps toward the bottom of the screen, whether he is Barry Sanders (legend) or Reggie Cobb (a bit of a scrub, no offense, Reggie), seems two steps faster than the computer's pursuing linebackers. But that lavish ease comes to an end toward season's end, and when playoff time comes, you really have to fight and scrap and focus on every single play. Hoisting that Lombardi Trophy at the culmination of the Super Bowl is no easy task (without a little help from the RESET button).
Tecmo could really fuck you over in the playoffs. The computer's drones run faster and break more tackles than your guys. An overpaid slouch could easily break two 50-yard touchdown runs if you break containment or miss wildly on a diving Superman tackle. Your receivers are commonly covered in the playoffs, which prompts mad scrambles for yardage and risky throws into traffic.
It's a wonderful yet frustrating challenge, and I have prevailed a handful of times without ever having to punch the reset button in an outburst of rage.
Being an elite Tecmo player in your neighborhood doesn't mean what it used to. I'm fine with that in part because of a jesting scenario my friend, a married 28-year-old with a baby daughter, outlined for me that made me laugh hard.
If a child of his ever asks for a new video game system for Xmas, he will most likely purchase the thing, but he will present it in a box sheathed in decorative wrapping. He will then plug in his Nintendo, crack open the first beer in a 6-pack and grunt to his elated and expectant child...
“You can't open that 'til you beat daddy in a game of Tecmo.”
Hope for the future.
4. Which Ever Madden Football Game Is the Most Recent for PS2: I'm leery of the more modern system's Madden Football Vids, but I'm contently hooked on the PS2 versions. I'm nuts about them, and never you mind what my record against a good friend in the Super Bowl is. It's so woeful that I can't bear to see it typed on the computer screen. I'm a Pro-Bowler who loses to an All-Pro 9 times out of 10. I am to Madden Football what the Buffalo Bills were to real football in the early '90s. Like a half-wit Cubs fan deluded by the power of hope, I am left to renew my faith in next year's prospects.
It's all very fitting and comically appealing, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if redemption is really out of the question. I hope not—in matters both major and minor, both genuine and fickle.
3. Resident Evil for PS1: When Survival Horror reared its decrepit, ugly head into the worlds of gamers, peering with vacant malice from behind a creaking opened door, we were thrilled to obliterate that head with a shot-gun blast and beg for more. Resident Evil features elements of treasure-hunting for keys and artifacts to extend the quest and puzzle-solving to compliment the game's primary focus of pumping lead into zombies and other bloodthirsty monsters. Ammo is limited. But there is no shortage of Evil residents in a mansion with a research facility in the basement. And therein lies the challenge...along with getting lost in the intricate rat maze and not knowing what to do or where to go next.
And Hey, don't kid yourself: the malevolent experiment in the laboratory, the Tyrant, is no slouch. And don't even get me started on the giant snake the player must twice defeat. Fighting that behemoth serpent is no day at the beach, either...which is actually ideal for gamers like me who don't get all that much sun, anyway.
In the unlikely event of zombie Armageddon, I'll be fully prepared to decapitate those evil fuckers that were once mortals, and I have Resident Evil to thank.
2.NBA Jam or NBA Jam T.E., it doesn't really matter which for SNES: We've already covered this on fistpumps. I think there's another analogy about Star Wars movies somehow relating to video games.
Get a load of the May, '08 archives for more elaboration than you bargained for.
1.Resident Evil 4 for PS2/ Gamecube: The end is in sight, so I'll keep this brief. I love the addition of the laser-sight on every weapon. The knife can even be used as an effective weapon in moderation to conserve ammo. The over-the-should perspective is a transformation in Resident Evil camera perspective that actually works wonders and breathes new life into re-killing zombies with precision.
I love the weapon upgrade system, of collecting loot and using said loot to enhance and modify all sorts of guns. The zombies are more dangerous; some of them run, some are armed with axes, torches, or chainsaws, some of them shoot crossbows and cannons. The fourth installment introduces an advanced breed of zombies into the mix.
This Vid is challenging but not impossible. The Mercenary Mode, earned following completion of the game, adds another 2 or 3 months of engaging fun and gory mischief.
Let me be clear: It's my favorite, my absolute favorite.
Game over.
Continue?
Yes or No?
No.
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