For what it's worth, we know that although I enjoy video games, I'm not fond of the roll-playing genre. A friend from college jokingly took exception to my dissing of an RPG for Super Nintendo titled Chrono Trigger.
“What in the hell is a 'Chrono Trigger,' anyway?” I wrote. “A robotic clitoris?”
It occurs to me now that, having a game called Super Metroid on my precious countdown makes me guilty of hypocrisy. Someone could just as easily scoff...
“What in the hell is a 'Super Metroid,' anyway? A robotic anal fissure?”
Instant Karma got me again. John Lennon warned me about that. My apologies, Rick, and thanks for reading.
20. Marvel: Ultimate Alliance for X-Box 360: From the apparent perspective of an aloft owl fitted with a helmet-cam, a quartet of interchangeable superheroes prowl through 3-D landscapes as diverse as the Villain's Fortress Stronghold and the Super-Villain's Fortress Stronghold. The goal of these superheroes is to clobber Evildoers into comas. In addition to traditional means of punching & kicking, the superheroes also have weapons such as swords, sharp claws, and guns—and many possess mutant powers like the ability of flight, superhuman strength, and eyes that shoot laser beams. This litany of ways to inflict pain is all done in the name of Justice; the Evildoers, eternal foes of the superheroes, must always be punished for the malice they reap on the Innocent.
It is a familiar story—marred perhaps by rampant clichés and adventures that become as predictable as the workweek routines that get us by—and the story extends beyond video games, of course. But it is also an ESSENTIAL story, one we'll never be rid of, for reasons both realistic and fantastical. Marvel: Ultimate Alliance is a highly effective rerun of the Tale of Good versus Evil.
East of Eden, the brilliant retelling of the fable of Cain and Able by John Steinbeck, concerns the nature of Good & Evil, too. But even a mind that likens Bionic Commando to the White Stripes can see that Steinbeck offered the realistic inclusions of moral ambiguity and human fallibility into his story. Superheroes are different. Their appeal is fantastical in the sense that their crusades are not subjected to such concerns. Captain America embodies all that is Good and Dr. Doom embodies all that is Evil. There is no Gray Area of Moral standing in video games inspired by comic books.
What a relief! But at the expense of literacy and understanding of how the real world works, of course.
As a thoughtless post-script, I would like to mention that I believe the 4 superheroes to choose to maximize the group's ass-kicking potential in MUA are as follows: Wolverine, Spiderman, Deadpool, and Iron Man.
No offense intended, Ms. Marvel. It's just that, you know...you're a WOMAN.
19.Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball for SNES...And a fine Presentation it was, Mr. Griffey Jr. It's way better than the finest thing I've ever presented: A lifetime achievement award to you, Junior, for single-handedly designing and creating this terrific Vid—not to mention dropping some funky bass lines on the infectious soundtrack.
Ken Griffey Jr. did not return my phone calls or fan letters and therefore did not make an appearance at the ceremony in my brother's attic, but a plastic robot I call Professor Radington was there to accept the award on his behalf.
Such nonsense.
The soundtrack really is incredible. And the controls allow for fluidity and technique on ground-balls and fly-outs; a skillful Jr. player could negate 2 or 3 extra base-hits with a quick jump and a perfectly timed dive or leap. Pitching is simple and, by today's standards, obsolete, but semblances of change-ups, sliders, curveballs, and of course fastballs could be thrown with great effectiveness. Hitting is even simpler, but requires subtleties of timing and location relative to the plate.
It's a sweet Vid, but my appetite for playing it has been sated. The only way I'll ever play it again is if some chump challenges me to a game.
Yeah. You heard what I typed, would-be challenger.
18.Super Smash Brothers for N-64: For every Ocarina of Time-caliber game for the 64, there are at least two Castlevania: Symphony of the Night(s) for the Playstation. This means that, concerning one-player quests, PS1 definitely has the edge over Nintendo-64. But the 64 counters with a much deeper array of multi-player classics, and Super Smash Brothers is a fine example. Between the two, I'd opt for a Playstation in the all-important “stranded on a deserted island with a power source” scenario, but only because it is implied that I'm all alone on said deserted island. If the Gilligan's Island technicality can be employed, however, then I'd much rather order Donkey Kong to execute a break-dance double-kick on the wing of Starfox's ship to inflict damage on Samus, Kirby, and Mario (under the respective control of the Professor, Ginger, and the Skipper).
It's that simple.
The single-player mode for SSB is easy and a bit repetitive, worthy of a B- grade, and the skill challenges afterward are fairly fun, but make no mistake: If you honestly have NO FRIENDS to play with, this game loses most of its appeal...and I'm sorry to hear about your life.
But I had friends to play SSB with, fortunately, and that is what made this game so great. Every match ignited cartoon bedlam, a frenzy of Nintendo icons out to clobber each other for reasons unknown and immaterial.
It's still an addictive Vid today, too. If all parties involved are drunk and/ or stoned and not expecting sex or the needs of others in the near future, one match with 4 players can easily turn into a 3-Hour Tour*.
The original Super Smash Brothers: It's the next best thing to having a 3-way with Ginger & Mary Ann.
17. Super Mario All-Stars for SNES: One of my shrewdest moves as a child and budding consumer was to ask for Super Mario All Stars for Xmas, circa '93. All 3 of Mario's quests for Nintendo are included on just one cartridge, with enhanced graphics--and the Lost Levels were thrown in just to sweeten the deal. Do the math. It was well-worth the cash mom & dad shelled out to keep my brothers and me happily busy after school for the entirety of a cold and snowy winter in Wisconsin.
It's a shame Billy Mays missed his chance to peddle SMAS on infomercials that would have aired 2 hours after broadcasts of Saturday Night Live. Billy's untimely death in 2009 has left me to ponder the effusive sales-pitch he never got to belt out in promotion of such a wondrous cartridge...
“For just ONE EASY PAYMENT of $49.99, you can RELIVE all of MARIO and the Gang's THRILLING ADVENTURES in the Mushroom Kingdom and Beyond. If you liked the sight of Mario in 8-bit, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE HIM IN 16-BIT! Whether you want to FLATTEN KOOPA TROOPAS, shoot FIREBALLS, dig a hole in the sand QUICKLY with TOAD, JUMP over a bottomless pit and GRAB hold of a FLAG-POLE to slide down, knock BOWSER and his entire FAMILY into PITS OF LAVA, or dress up like a RACCOON and take flight to COIN HEAVEN, you'll find all the ACTION YOUR HEART DESIRES in just ONE VIDEO GAME!
“CALL NOW and we'll include the LOST LEVELS FREE OF CHARGE. Or call later and we'll STILL give it away! SWING YOUR ARMS from side to side in CLELEBRATION and call to order your copy of SUPER MARIO ALL-STARS today!”
Thank you, spirit of Billy Mays. And thank you Nintendo for offering so much bang-for-my-parents'-bucks all those years ago.
16.Super Metroid for SNES: I didn't own this one as a kid, and when I played it at a friend's house, the struggle vexed me and in no time I passed the controller back and looked on in awe at the stunning graphics, innovative weapons, and level design of an eerie underground labyrinth that harbored all sorts of deadly alien creatures.
A decade later, in my early-20s, burdened by the excess of projects and classes of senior year and harassed by the recurring thought of so much hard work being squandered on so many unhappy lives, mine included, I plunged into a deep depression, a ghastly funk of psychosis, and dropped out for a semester.
I lived at home and worked 3 or 4 days a week frying chicken at Ma & Pa's Grocery Express. The first few weeks were miserable, but in time my interest in the things life had to offer—major and minor, genuine and fickle—began to seem at least a little bit worthwhile, and I finally conquered Super Metroid.
It remains a feat of relatively little merit—a feat to be scoffed at, perhaps, by Super Bowl Champions and winners of the Slam-Dunk Contest, but I'm proud of how I mustered the 16-bit gusto required to defeat all sorts of vile monstrosities from outer space—Mother Brain included—and escaped the planet before it blew up.
Deciding to conquer Super Metroid and following through actually holds magnitude to me. It was a way to prove I was interested in something rather than nothing when times were bleak.
15.A tie between the arcade versions of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, X-Men, and The Simpsons: These three get lobbed together because they were so similar in terms of genre, control, and appeal. All three allow for four friends to direct their beloved cartoon characters on ass-stomping quests across vast side-scrolling landscapes. In all three arcade classics, short-range attacks and jumps are the linchpins of button commands. As for further controls, the Ninja Turtles can do a quick but effective vertical jump-strike, the X-Men have mutant powers such as Cyclops' optic beam blast, and The Simpsons can join up for outrageous co-op moves. Aside from those minor differences, they are in essence one and the same.
I have fond memories of plugging fistfuls of quarters into these arcade games at pizzerias, truck stops, and skating rinks. They were much more fun to play with three friends.
To my bucket list, I'd like to add that someday I'd get a kick out of playing any of these three with an all-star team of three pals while Tenacious D's “Friendship” blares on the stereo on repeat for an hour.
“Oh shit, there's a bear/ Could you hand me that shotgun, buddy?/ Also, that chair.”
And “I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?”--Stephen King, The Body
Okay. That's it for tonight. On your way home, if you're gonna drive, don't drink, and if you're gonna drink, don't drive.
*A 3-hour tour.
No comments:
Post a Comment