^A Sarlacc pit from Return of the Jedi.^
*This is a sketch I wrote recently for the Second City. Be warned: It's quite crude, even for me, and it's times like this I'm relieved my parents have no interest in reading my writing. Thanks go out to Billy Squier for offering the inspiration behind this one.
“Jester Staggs: A Retrospective/ Intervention”
6/14/09
Characters:
Jester Staggs- Glam rocker who rose to prominence in the late 70s with raucous odes to the hand-job.
Venus Staggs- Dissatisfied wife of Jester who is fed-up with her husband’s bizarre fetish.
Dr. Danny Porter- Resident therapist of the VH1 network with a thoughtful and compassionate drive.
Molly Staggs- Daughter of Jester and Venus who is embarrassed by her father’s lewd legacy.
“Dirty” Dirk Sandstrom- Former lead guitarist of Jester’s band who shares concern for the singer’s obsession.
“Tom-drum” Tommy Blain- Disgruntled drummer who merely wants royalties owed to him.
(Six chairs form a U-shape on the stage.
The arrangement is typical of any daytime talk-
show in which the host is surrounded by
several people united by a common crisis
that needs to be discussed. Dr. Danny
and Jester Staggs occupy the middle seats.)
DR. DANNY
Hello and welcome to a VH1 retrospective called Jester Staggs: The Past Is in the Palm of Your Hand, a tribute of sorts to rocker Jester Staggs. I’m Dr. Danny Porter. Joining me today for this gathering are Jester’s family—daughter Molly and wife Venus--as well as two of the founding members of the Four Fingers—“Dirty” Dirk Sandstrom and “Tom-drum” Tommy Blain--and of course...
JESTER STAGGS
Don’t forget the star of the show! It is I, the man who belted out all your favorite hand-job anthems, including: “I Demand the Hand,” “Beast in Blue Jeans,” “Sausage Stroke on the Sly,” “Nothing Left to Ooze,” and 93 others that rock almost as hard!
DR. DANNY
Indeed, Jester. I was just getting to that, but I see you’ve provided your own introduction quite ably.
JESTER STAGGS
Damn, I almost forgot about “She’s So Handsome” and “Your Curled Fingers Linger.” Those tunes also rocked your grandma into a coma!
VENUS STAGGS
Jester, please. Stop interrupting Dr. Danny.
DR. DANNY
Thank you, Venus. Now, Jester, your record sales in the late-70s notwithstanding, you have the reputation of being somewhat of a one-trick-pony.
JESTER STAGGS
I don’t know about one-trick-pony, but you can ask my baby Venus about my One-eyed-pony. Damn...that could be a song title right there...
MOLLY STAGGS
Jesus, dad, would you cut it out for a second? This is important.
DR. DANNY
I must ask you, Jester, on behalf of your fans, and to a greater extent, your friends and family that have gathered with us today, what is behind your single-minded obsession with hand-jobs? You have written nearly a hundred songs to date, and every last one is about receiving a hand-job.
TOMMY BLAIN
Don’t forget about the songs he didn’t write.
DR. DANNY
We’ll touch on that later, Tommy. But remember, we’re here for Jester and his family.
JESTER STAGGS
Well, the way I’ve always seen it, I was born with two reasons to be very happy. First, the Good Lord blessed the lady-creatures with fingers and opposable thumbs. Secondly, He gave me a wiener. Those two blessings united when I was 17, and ever since, I’ve been in paradise. And the only thing better than living in paradise is singing about it. That’s what inspired me to create “Elaiza and the Cream Geyser,” and dozens more in that same hand-job vein.
MOLLY STAGGS
Dad, you’re so disgusting.
JESTER STAGGS
Relax, Molly. I met Elaiza years before I became acquainted with your mother’s hand.
VENUS STAGGS
(to Dr. Danny)
Sometimes I think the only reason he married me is because my name rhymes with “Penis.”
JESTER STAGGS
Now, you know that ain’t the truth, baby. I married you for that reason and because you give the best H-Js in the world!
DR. DANNY
Jester, stop it. Can’t you see you’re embarrassing your daughter?
JESTER STAGGS
Hey, what’s with all this flack I’m getting here? Ain’t this supposed to be a tribute or something?
DR. DANNY
(sighs)
As much as everyone on this panel appreciates you, Jester, no, it’s not. We attracted you here under the guise that this is a glowing retrospective, but in reality, it’s an intervention.
JESTER STAGGS
Intervention? What for? I don’t need no intervention.
VENUS
(to Dr. Danny)
You see? Denial! Jester, we’ve been married for 30 years and Molly is the only evidence that we’ve ever made love. You have refused my longing body thousands of times, consistently turned-down oral pleasure, and completely ignored my sexual needs. I can’t take it anymore!
JESTER STAGGS
Ignored your sexual needs? Baby, that’s ludicrous. Why, just last night you were hardly crying at all when you agreed to pump my one-eyed—
DIRK SANDSTROM
Oh, enough about the hand-jobs, already! For God’s sake, Jester, you’re in your fifties and you’re still hung-up on this juvenile thrill from sophomore year of high school. How can you live with yourself for turning down all the groupie-sex a man could ask for?
JESTER STAGGS
I was too busy getting wicked hand-jobs to give a damn about—what do you call it—intercourse! All I’ve ever wanted from a lady is to get it jacked by a co-pilot. What’s wrong with that?
MOLLY STAGGS
I’ve never choked down so much vomit in my life...
DIRK SANDSTROM
Vaginas are awesome, Jester. For straight men, and especially macho rock singers, they provide the ultimate groove, the spot where the pleasure-amp gets cranked up the loudest. For you to be married 30 years and shun your wife’s vagina, dude, that’s pretty creepy.
DR. DANNY
Dirk makes a valid point, albeit in a slightly crude manner. What we’re trying to say, as adults, is that the hand-job ranks very low in the scope of sexual intimacy. Relationships are founded on reciprocation. As Venus’ husband, it is your duty to likewise satisfy her sexually, and when you refrain from intercourse—
JESTER STAGGS
(erupting with tears)
Vaginas remind me of that man-eating sandpit from Return of the Jedi! Swallowing Boba Fett in one gulp. They’re terrifying! I survived one encounter with it, and the Good Lord offered us sweet Molly. But never again will I chance it.
MOLLY STAGGS
(walking off-stage)
I can’t take this anymore.
DR. DANNY
Ah-ha. Well, at long last we reach the crux of the matter. How interesting. Jester, for the benefit of your wife, can you try replacing that unpleasant image with that of something more appealing--say--a damp flower in bloom?
JESTER STAGGS
No. Vaginas are like Sarlacc pits!
VENUS STAGGS
He has the most hideous things to say about my womanhood.
JESTER STAGGS
Don’t blow this out of proportion, baby. It’s not just your womanhood; it’s all womanhood.
TOMMY BLAIN
If I may interject here, might I remind you that this man’s odd obsession with handies has paid for your luxurious home, the Vera Wang dress you’re wearing, and your daughter’s Ivy League education.
JESTER STAGGS
Thank you, Tommy.
TOMMY BLAIN
Which brings me to the only reason I came here: Royalties. Jester, you know damn well I was the one who came up with the title track from our last album, “Nothing Left to Ooze.” My God, your best idea was calling it “See You Ejaculator.”
JESTER STAGGS
That was pretty clever...
TOMMY BLAIN
No, it wasn’t! You never paid me the royalties I was owed for that song. For the last six years I’ve been subsisting on Saltine crackers, living in a canoe beside my friend’s houseboat. Pay up, you greedy son-of-a-bitch!
VENUS STAGGS
I can’t believe people are talking about song royalties when my marriage is in serious trouble. Jester, I still have faith in you, but I need to lay down some ground rules. First off, no more you-know-what’s until you’ve undergone 40 more hours of psychoanalysis from Dr. Danny. Or else. That's all I have to say.
(With that she storms off the stage,
in step with her daughter’s inconsolable rage.)
JESTER STAGGS
No! You can’t leave me. I wrote “Venus Strokes My Penis” for you, baby. That ballad was playing when we took our first dance as husband and wife.
(beat)
Aw, shucks. Now who’s gonna give me hand-jobs? Good God, maybe I have taken my little H-J fetish a bit too far. I’ve known this for far too long. When I wrote “Monster in My Pocket,” the Monster I was referring to wasn’t my one-eyed-pony...it was me.
(standing resolutely)
Well, that’s all gotta change. If my baby Venus won’t satisfy me anymore, something must be seriously wrong with old Jester. From this day forward, I’m a changed man.
TOMMY BLAIN
I’ll give you a hand-job if you sign away the rights to “Nothing Left to Ooze.”
JESTER STAGGS
(revitalized)
It’s a deal!
(The pair busily rush offstage to the
nearest bathroom.)
DR. DANNY
Hmm. It’s important to remember that acceptance is the first step in the rehabilitation process, and in most cases, relapses are inevitable. Usually the relapse takes longer to occur than five seconds, but we must not be quick to judge Jester, for inside of all addicts lurks the evil referenced in “Beast in Blue Jeans.” It waits for the slightest window of opportunity to rear its ugly head. No pun intended.
(beat)
Join us next time for Rock Star Retrospectives and Interventions, when our guest will be the Red Rocker Sammy Haggar, who continues to create music despite the sincere pleas of his friends and family urging him to call it quits. Until then, I’m Dr. Danny Porter. Goodbye.
END SCENE.
“Jester Staggs: A Retrospective/ Intervention”
6/14/09
Characters:
Jester Staggs- Glam rocker who rose to prominence in the late 70s with raucous odes to the hand-job.
Venus Staggs- Dissatisfied wife of Jester who is fed-up with her husband’s bizarre fetish.
Dr. Danny Porter- Resident therapist of the VH1 network with a thoughtful and compassionate drive.
Molly Staggs- Daughter of Jester and Venus who is embarrassed by her father’s lewd legacy.
“Dirty” Dirk Sandstrom- Former lead guitarist of Jester’s band who shares concern for the singer’s obsession.
“Tom-drum” Tommy Blain- Disgruntled drummer who merely wants royalties owed to him.
(Six chairs form a U-shape on the stage.
The arrangement is typical of any daytime talk-
show in which the host is surrounded by
several people united by a common crisis
that needs to be discussed. Dr. Danny
and Jester Staggs occupy the middle seats.)
DR. DANNY
Hello and welcome to a VH1 retrospective called Jester Staggs: The Past Is in the Palm of Your Hand, a tribute of sorts to rocker Jester Staggs. I’m Dr. Danny Porter. Joining me today for this gathering are Jester’s family—daughter Molly and wife Venus--as well as two of the founding members of the Four Fingers—“Dirty” Dirk Sandstrom and “Tom-drum” Tommy Blain--and of course...
JESTER STAGGS
Don’t forget the star of the show! It is I, the man who belted out all your favorite hand-job anthems, including: “I Demand the Hand,” “Beast in Blue Jeans,” “Sausage Stroke on the Sly,” “Nothing Left to Ooze,” and 93 others that rock almost as hard!
DR. DANNY
Indeed, Jester. I was just getting to that, but I see you’ve provided your own introduction quite ably.
JESTER STAGGS
Damn, I almost forgot about “She’s So Handsome” and “Your Curled Fingers Linger.” Those tunes also rocked your grandma into a coma!
VENUS STAGGS
Jester, please. Stop interrupting Dr. Danny.
DR. DANNY
Thank you, Venus. Now, Jester, your record sales in the late-70s notwithstanding, you have the reputation of being somewhat of a one-trick-pony.
JESTER STAGGS
I don’t know about one-trick-pony, but you can ask my baby Venus about my One-eyed-pony. Damn...that could be a song title right there...
MOLLY STAGGS
Jesus, dad, would you cut it out for a second? This is important.
DR. DANNY
I must ask you, Jester, on behalf of your fans, and to a greater extent, your friends and family that have gathered with us today, what is behind your single-minded obsession with hand-jobs? You have written nearly a hundred songs to date, and every last one is about receiving a hand-job.
TOMMY BLAIN
Don’t forget about the songs he didn’t write.
DR. DANNY
We’ll touch on that later, Tommy. But remember, we’re here for Jester and his family.
JESTER STAGGS
Well, the way I’ve always seen it, I was born with two reasons to be very happy. First, the Good Lord blessed the lady-creatures with fingers and opposable thumbs. Secondly, He gave me a wiener. Those two blessings united when I was 17, and ever since, I’ve been in paradise. And the only thing better than living in paradise is singing about it. That’s what inspired me to create “Elaiza and the Cream Geyser,” and dozens more in that same hand-job vein.
MOLLY STAGGS
Dad, you’re so disgusting.
JESTER STAGGS
Relax, Molly. I met Elaiza years before I became acquainted with your mother’s hand.
VENUS STAGGS
(to Dr. Danny)
Sometimes I think the only reason he married me is because my name rhymes with “Penis.”
JESTER STAGGS
Now, you know that ain’t the truth, baby. I married you for that reason and because you give the best H-Js in the world!
DR. DANNY
Jester, stop it. Can’t you see you’re embarrassing your daughter?
JESTER STAGGS
Hey, what’s with all this flack I’m getting here? Ain’t this supposed to be a tribute or something?
DR. DANNY
(sighs)
As much as everyone on this panel appreciates you, Jester, no, it’s not. We attracted you here under the guise that this is a glowing retrospective, but in reality, it’s an intervention.
JESTER STAGGS
Intervention? What for? I don’t need no intervention.
VENUS
(to Dr. Danny)
You see? Denial! Jester, we’ve been married for 30 years and Molly is the only evidence that we’ve ever made love. You have refused my longing body thousands of times, consistently turned-down oral pleasure, and completely ignored my sexual needs. I can’t take it anymore!
JESTER STAGGS
Ignored your sexual needs? Baby, that’s ludicrous. Why, just last night you were hardly crying at all when you agreed to pump my one-eyed—
DIRK SANDSTROM
Oh, enough about the hand-jobs, already! For God’s sake, Jester, you’re in your fifties and you’re still hung-up on this juvenile thrill from sophomore year of high school. How can you live with yourself for turning down all the groupie-sex a man could ask for?
JESTER STAGGS
I was too busy getting wicked hand-jobs to give a damn about—what do you call it—intercourse! All I’ve ever wanted from a lady is to get it jacked by a co-pilot. What’s wrong with that?
MOLLY STAGGS
I’ve never choked down so much vomit in my life...
DIRK SANDSTROM
Vaginas are awesome, Jester. For straight men, and especially macho rock singers, they provide the ultimate groove, the spot where the pleasure-amp gets cranked up the loudest. For you to be married 30 years and shun your wife’s vagina, dude, that’s pretty creepy.
DR. DANNY
Dirk makes a valid point, albeit in a slightly crude manner. What we’re trying to say, as adults, is that the hand-job ranks very low in the scope of sexual intimacy. Relationships are founded on reciprocation. As Venus’ husband, it is your duty to likewise satisfy her sexually, and when you refrain from intercourse—
JESTER STAGGS
(erupting with tears)
Vaginas remind me of that man-eating sandpit from Return of the Jedi! Swallowing Boba Fett in one gulp. They’re terrifying! I survived one encounter with it, and the Good Lord offered us sweet Molly. But never again will I chance it.
MOLLY STAGGS
(walking off-stage)
I can’t take this anymore.
DR. DANNY
Ah-ha. Well, at long last we reach the crux of the matter. How interesting. Jester, for the benefit of your wife, can you try replacing that unpleasant image with that of something more appealing--say--a damp flower in bloom?
JESTER STAGGS
No. Vaginas are like Sarlacc pits!
VENUS STAGGS
He has the most hideous things to say about my womanhood.
JESTER STAGGS
Don’t blow this out of proportion, baby. It’s not just your womanhood; it’s all womanhood.
TOMMY BLAIN
If I may interject here, might I remind you that this man’s odd obsession with handies has paid for your luxurious home, the Vera Wang dress you’re wearing, and your daughter’s Ivy League education.
JESTER STAGGS
Thank you, Tommy.
TOMMY BLAIN
Which brings me to the only reason I came here: Royalties. Jester, you know damn well I was the one who came up with the title track from our last album, “Nothing Left to Ooze.” My God, your best idea was calling it “See You Ejaculator.”
JESTER STAGGS
That was pretty clever...
TOMMY BLAIN
No, it wasn’t! You never paid me the royalties I was owed for that song. For the last six years I’ve been subsisting on Saltine crackers, living in a canoe beside my friend’s houseboat. Pay up, you greedy son-of-a-bitch!
VENUS STAGGS
I can’t believe people are talking about song royalties when my marriage is in serious trouble. Jester, I still have faith in you, but I need to lay down some ground rules. First off, no more you-know-what’s until you’ve undergone 40 more hours of psychoanalysis from Dr. Danny. Or else. That's all I have to say.
(With that she storms off the stage,
in step with her daughter’s inconsolable rage.)
JESTER STAGGS
No! You can’t leave me. I wrote “Venus Strokes My Penis” for you, baby. That ballad was playing when we took our first dance as husband and wife.
(beat)
Aw, shucks. Now who’s gonna give me hand-jobs? Good God, maybe I have taken my little H-J fetish a bit too far. I’ve known this for far too long. When I wrote “Monster in My Pocket,” the Monster I was referring to wasn’t my one-eyed-pony...it was me.
(standing resolutely)
Well, that’s all gotta change. If my baby Venus won’t satisfy me anymore, something must be seriously wrong with old Jester. From this day forward, I’m a changed man.
TOMMY BLAIN
I’ll give you a hand-job if you sign away the rights to “Nothing Left to Ooze.”
JESTER STAGGS
(revitalized)
It’s a deal!
(The pair busily rush offstage to the
nearest bathroom.)
DR. DANNY
Hmm. It’s important to remember that acceptance is the first step in the rehabilitation process, and in most cases, relapses are inevitable. Usually the relapse takes longer to occur than five seconds, but we must not be quick to judge Jester, for inside of all addicts lurks the evil referenced in “Beast in Blue Jeans.” It waits for the slightest window of opportunity to rear its ugly head. No pun intended.
(beat)
Join us next time for Rock Star Retrospectives and Interventions, when our guest will be the Red Rocker Sammy Haggar, who continues to create music despite the sincere pleas of his friends and family urging him to call it quits. Until then, I’m Dr. Danny Porter. Goodbye.
END SCENE.
3 comments:
I wouldn't want my parents to read this if I wrote it, either. Of course, if I wrote it, I'm sure it would be so fucked up that nobody would enjoy it at all, so it's good that you wrote it.
Nice sketch, though. I've gotta say I'm partial to the name "Jester." :)
I laughed out loud twice:
"Which brings me to the only reason I came here: Royalties. Jester, you know damn well I was the one who came up with the title track from our last album “Nothing Left to Ooze.” My God, your best idea was calling it “See You Ejaculator.”"
and
"I don’t know about one-trick-pony, but you can ask my baby Venus about my One-eyed-pony. Damn...that could be a song title right there..."
Good stuff.
funny idea. but not my favorite.
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