*This is another sketch I wrote for the Second City. Prose will be secondary for a few more weeks on fistpumps, until the completion of the class. Feel free to stage sock-puppet productions of any of the sketches you read here this summer.
CAST
Tony- Played by an actor named Frank. Co-star of the show whose performance is interrupted by real life girlfriend with special needs.
Tina- Played by an actress named Meadow. She’s upset by the intrusion of Sophie.
Michael- Tony’s best man in the performance, played by an actor named Bobby.
Sophie- Frank’s girlfriend who can’t discern between environmental theatre and reality. She is mentally challenged.
(Behind an elongated table draped in frilly white
cloth sit two men and a woman—the men in
dapper suits and ties, the woman in a wedding
dress. Each has a glass of champagne within reach.)
MICHAEL
(standing, glass in hand)
All right, pipe down, everybody. I’m trying to make a speech here.
(beat)
Tony, you’re the best Paison a guy could ask for. From my very first chubby to lap-dance number one, years later, to yakking-up a calzone and two bottles of red wine at the high-heeled shoes of Triple-Cici, I owe all these fine memories to you and the gentleman’s club owned by the Nunzio family. And as for you, Tina, I wish someone was here to say some complimentary things on your behalf, but unfortunately, your Maid of Honor Maddy is in the can doin’ God knows what. Thank you.
(As Michael reclaims his seat, Tina stands up.)
TINA
Don’t overstrain yourself with the sweet talk, Mikey. For crying out loud, Tony, your best man has about as much class as a two-Euro Vatican who-ore. And as for you, mi amore, I just want to say that loving you ain’t always easy, but every time we make love, I sure feel greasy.
(She sits down as Tony rises to his feet.)
TONY
Well, for the love of the Pope, we got a couple-a regular sentimentalists up here, don’t we? This one’s got his mind in the gutter and this one’s breakin’ my balls about the proud Nunzio family tradition of sweating like Rocky Balboa in the last round of a prize fight. Well, I ain’t gonna say nothin’ dirty ‘cause I ain’t out to spit on this special occasion. Tina, I know things between you and me ain’t always been perfect, but you always make me strive to become a better man. I love you with every drip of my body sweat. You’re the best thing that every happened to me, and I want to be wit’choo the rest of my life.
(From stage-left, a distraught and hysterical SOPHIE
enters the scene.)
SOPHIE
Oh, Frank, how could you do this? You married someone else when my back wasn’t looking? You make my heart hurt a big owie!
TONY/ FRANK
(breaking character)
Sophie? Sweetheart, I told you never to come to one of my performances. What are you doing here?
SOPHIE
(thrusting a pack of Big League Chew)
You forgot your bubble-gum at home, silly!
MICHAEL
(laughing uneasily, maintaining character)
Performance? What are you talking about, Tony? This ain’t no performance; it’s a friggin’ wedding. And furthermore, who the hell is this broad?
SOPHIE
You didn’t want me to come here ‘cause you’re getting married to another girl. I thought your heart sang happy songs for me, Franky-Wanky.
TINA
Security!
TONY/ FRANK
(to Tina/ Meadow)
I don’t want security strong-arming my girlfriend. Put a lid on it. I can handle this myself, Meadow.
MICHAEL
OOOHHH! Franky-Wanky? Meadow? Who are these people? Are the both of ya spies leadin’ double lives or somethin’? And Tony, if that is your real name, I always knew it’d be tough for you to become a one-woman man, but what gives? You’re already cheating on Tina with this retarded chick?
TONY/ FRANK
Bobby, you ignorant prick, you call my girlfriend retarded again and I’ll punch your teeth down your throat. She’s just…special.
MICHAEL/ BOBBY
Potato/ Potat-oh. And who the hell is “Bobby”? I ain’t no top-secret spy.
TONY/FRANK
Just stop calling her retarded. You hear me?
SOPHIE
Stop defending me! You don’t love me anymore. You’re married to an ugly meanie with chunky flab-arms.
TONY/FRANK
(to audience)
Listen folks, I gotta tell ya: Anything can happen during Tony & Tina’s Wedding, but these shenanigans will be all over in a second.
(to Sophie)
I will never stop defending you, Sophie! Just wait outside for half-an-hour and I’ll try to explain—
TINA/MEADOW
Chunky flab-arms?! Listen bitch, I don’t know who you are, but this is my wedding, and you’re a big nuisance right now. And if Tony is going to defend anyone, it’s going to be me: Tina, his wife!
SOPHIE
Oh, my used-to-be sweetie, you’ve changed. I don’t even know your name anymore!
TONY/FRANK
Sure you do, Sophie. Look, it’s very simple: I’m Frank.
(to his co-stars, then to the audience)
Keep your pants on, folks; old Tony’s just got some dirty laundry to air. It’s all part of the show—er, all part of the wedding bash we got goin’ on here.
(eying Sophie, demonstratively crossing fingers)
Nothin’ to worry about; I’m Tony, everybody!
MICHAEL/BOBBY
(quietly)
Jesus, Frank, is it contagious? Have you gone retarded, too?
TONY/FRANK
Bobby…er, Michael, I already told you, you keep sayin' that word, best man or no best man, I'll bust you one right in the jaw. That is a very hateful, ignorant word.
SOPHIE
I don’t need your sympathy!
(She turns to leave, weeping)
Tony, I never want to see Frank’s dumb face again forever and ever plus one.
MICHAEL/BOBBY
(to Tina, whispering)
What the hell? Were there some rewrites nobody told me about?
TONY/FRANK
No! Don’t go, Sophie.
(Sophie stops in her tracks, back facing
the mock wedding party.)
TINA/MEADOW
No. There weren’t any rewrites, Michael, because this isn’t some play with actors and a script. This is reality. And Tony, if you’ve been fooling around on me with this…handicapped girl Sophie, well, I’m quite disappointed. This is all very, very unexpected. But I still think we can work it out. We have to work it out…as soon as that dopey broad gets out of here. Then everything will be back to normal between you and me.
(Sophie does an about-face and stares at her
beau in desperate confusion.)
TONY/FRANK
Look. This is a really hard predicament for the Tone-Bone. For now, how ‘bout this: can I just say that I love both of you’s equally and have that be cool?
TINA/MEADOW and SOPHIE
(in unison)
No!
TONY/FRANK
Okay, okay. My balls are getting’ shattered into smithereens here.
(sighs)
Tina, thank you for forgiving me. I’ve been acting like a bed-hopping pig lately, and you’re an incredible woman for taking me back. I messed-up big-time, going around with this…Sophie girl…
(Crestfallen, Sophie turns to leave.)
TONY/FRANK
Oh, the hell with it. Sophie, listen! This is all just make-believe. I’m not really going to marry Tina. Tina’s not even her real name; it’s Meadow. We’re just actors in what’s called an environmental theatre production. I’m just pretending that I’m the groom in a wedding.
TINA/MEADOW
God-dammit. You’ve officially ruined the show, Frank.
SOPHIE
(brightening up)
Why didn’t you say so before? I love make-believe. Like when I pretend to be a mommy- bird and you lay underneath me and pretend to be one of the eggs I have to keep warm!
TONY/FRANK
Exactly, sweetheart! Now, I won’t lie to you, I’m probably going to get fired soon. But that’s okay. I hate playing a stereotypical grease-ball for low-brow tourists, anyway. So until I land my next job waiting tables or whatever, we’ll have plenty of time to spend together.
SOPHIE
Wanna go feed animal crackers to the geese by the pond?
TONY/FRANK
You read my mind, sweetheart.
(He gets up from behind the table and escorts
his girlfriend off-stage.)
SOPHIE
Here’s you Big League chew, Frank.
(Tina and Michael look somberly at each other.
Finally, Michael nods gravely.)
MICHAEL/BOBBY
Ladies and gentlemen, due in large part to tonight’s bizarre interruption, the broken down fourth wall that is the essence of “Tony & Tina’s Wedding” has been re-constructed, re-separating fiction and reality. We’ve all been dreading the day this would happen. Now that the show’s gimmicky appeal has been sullied, the cast and crew can no longer go on doing this pitiful shtick. This is the final performance of “Tony & Tina’s Wedding.”
TINA/MEADOW
And there will be no refunds!
(Blackout.)
Tony- Played by an actor named Frank. Co-star of the show whose performance is interrupted by real life girlfriend with special needs.
Tina- Played by an actress named Meadow. She’s upset by the intrusion of Sophie.
Michael- Tony’s best man in the performance, played by an actor named Bobby.
Sophie- Frank’s girlfriend who can’t discern between environmental theatre and reality. She is mentally challenged.
(Behind an elongated table draped in frilly white
cloth sit two men and a woman—the men in
dapper suits and ties, the woman in a wedding
dress. Each has a glass of champagne within reach.)
MICHAEL
(standing, glass in hand)
All right, pipe down, everybody. I’m trying to make a speech here.
(beat)
Tony, you’re the best Paison a guy could ask for. From my very first chubby to lap-dance number one, years later, to yakking-up a calzone and two bottles of red wine at the high-heeled shoes of Triple-Cici, I owe all these fine memories to you and the gentleman’s club owned by the Nunzio family. And as for you, Tina, I wish someone was here to say some complimentary things on your behalf, but unfortunately, your Maid of Honor Maddy is in the can doin’ God knows what. Thank you.
(As Michael reclaims his seat, Tina stands up.)
TINA
Don’t overstrain yourself with the sweet talk, Mikey. For crying out loud, Tony, your best man has about as much class as a two-Euro Vatican who-ore. And as for you, mi amore, I just want to say that loving you ain’t always easy, but every time we make love, I sure feel greasy.
(She sits down as Tony rises to his feet.)
TONY
Well, for the love of the Pope, we got a couple-a regular sentimentalists up here, don’t we? This one’s got his mind in the gutter and this one’s breakin’ my balls about the proud Nunzio family tradition of sweating like Rocky Balboa in the last round of a prize fight. Well, I ain’t gonna say nothin’ dirty ‘cause I ain’t out to spit on this special occasion. Tina, I know things between you and me ain’t always been perfect, but you always make me strive to become a better man. I love you with every drip of my body sweat. You’re the best thing that every happened to me, and I want to be wit’choo the rest of my life.
(From stage-left, a distraught and hysterical SOPHIE
enters the scene.)
SOPHIE
Oh, Frank, how could you do this? You married someone else when my back wasn’t looking? You make my heart hurt a big owie!
TONY/ FRANK
(breaking character)
Sophie? Sweetheart, I told you never to come to one of my performances. What are you doing here?
SOPHIE
(thrusting a pack of Big League Chew)
You forgot your bubble-gum at home, silly!
MICHAEL
(laughing uneasily, maintaining character)
Performance? What are you talking about, Tony? This ain’t no performance; it’s a friggin’ wedding. And furthermore, who the hell is this broad?
SOPHIE
You didn’t want me to come here ‘cause you’re getting married to another girl. I thought your heart sang happy songs for me, Franky-Wanky.
TINA
Security!
TONY/ FRANK
(to Tina/ Meadow)
I don’t want security strong-arming my girlfriend. Put a lid on it. I can handle this myself, Meadow.
MICHAEL
OOOHHH! Franky-Wanky? Meadow? Who are these people? Are the both of ya spies leadin’ double lives or somethin’? And Tony, if that is your real name, I always knew it’d be tough for you to become a one-woman man, but what gives? You’re already cheating on Tina with this retarded chick?
TONY/ FRANK
Bobby, you ignorant prick, you call my girlfriend retarded again and I’ll punch your teeth down your throat. She’s just…special.
MICHAEL/ BOBBY
Potato/ Potat-oh. And who the hell is “Bobby”? I ain’t no top-secret spy.
TONY/FRANK
Just stop calling her retarded. You hear me?
SOPHIE
Stop defending me! You don’t love me anymore. You’re married to an ugly meanie with chunky flab-arms.
TONY/FRANK
(to audience)
Listen folks, I gotta tell ya: Anything can happen during Tony & Tina’s Wedding, but these shenanigans will be all over in a second.
(to Sophie)
I will never stop defending you, Sophie! Just wait outside for half-an-hour and I’ll try to explain—
TINA/MEADOW
Chunky flab-arms?! Listen bitch, I don’t know who you are, but this is my wedding, and you’re a big nuisance right now. And if Tony is going to defend anyone, it’s going to be me: Tina, his wife!
SOPHIE
Oh, my used-to-be sweetie, you’ve changed. I don’t even know your name anymore!
TONY/FRANK
Sure you do, Sophie. Look, it’s very simple: I’m Frank.
(to his co-stars, then to the audience)
Keep your pants on, folks; old Tony’s just got some dirty laundry to air. It’s all part of the show—er, all part of the wedding bash we got goin’ on here.
(eying Sophie, demonstratively crossing fingers)
Nothin’ to worry about; I’m Tony, everybody!
MICHAEL/BOBBY
(quietly)
Jesus, Frank, is it contagious? Have you gone retarded, too?
TONY/FRANK
Bobby…er, Michael, I already told you, you keep sayin' that word, best man or no best man, I'll bust you one right in the jaw. That is a very hateful, ignorant word.
SOPHIE
I don’t need your sympathy!
(She turns to leave, weeping)
Tony, I never want to see Frank’s dumb face again forever and ever plus one.
MICHAEL/BOBBY
(to Tina, whispering)
What the hell? Were there some rewrites nobody told me about?
TONY/FRANK
No! Don’t go, Sophie.
(Sophie stops in her tracks, back facing
the mock wedding party.)
TINA/MEADOW
No. There weren’t any rewrites, Michael, because this isn’t some play with actors and a script. This is reality. And Tony, if you’ve been fooling around on me with this…handicapped girl Sophie, well, I’m quite disappointed. This is all very, very unexpected. But I still think we can work it out. We have to work it out…as soon as that dopey broad gets out of here. Then everything will be back to normal between you and me.
(Sophie does an about-face and stares at her
beau in desperate confusion.)
TONY/FRANK
Look. This is a really hard predicament for the Tone-Bone. For now, how ‘bout this: can I just say that I love both of you’s equally and have that be cool?
TINA/MEADOW and SOPHIE
(in unison)
No!
TONY/FRANK
Okay, okay. My balls are getting’ shattered into smithereens here.
(sighs)
Tina, thank you for forgiving me. I’ve been acting like a bed-hopping pig lately, and you’re an incredible woman for taking me back. I messed-up big-time, going around with this…Sophie girl…
(Crestfallen, Sophie turns to leave.)
TONY/FRANK
Oh, the hell with it. Sophie, listen! This is all just make-believe. I’m not really going to marry Tina. Tina’s not even her real name; it’s Meadow. We’re just actors in what’s called an environmental theatre production. I’m just pretending that I’m the groom in a wedding.
TINA/MEADOW
God-dammit. You’ve officially ruined the show, Frank.
SOPHIE
(brightening up)
Why didn’t you say so before? I love make-believe. Like when I pretend to be a mommy- bird and you lay underneath me and pretend to be one of the eggs I have to keep warm!
TONY/FRANK
Exactly, sweetheart! Now, I won’t lie to you, I’m probably going to get fired soon. But that’s okay. I hate playing a stereotypical grease-ball for low-brow tourists, anyway. So until I land my next job waiting tables or whatever, we’ll have plenty of time to spend together.
SOPHIE
Wanna go feed animal crackers to the geese by the pond?
TONY/FRANK
You read my mind, sweetheart.
(He gets up from behind the table and escorts
his girlfriend off-stage.)
SOPHIE
Here’s you Big League chew, Frank.
(Tina and Michael look somberly at each other.
Finally, Michael nods gravely.)
MICHAEL/BOBBY
Ladies and gentlemen, due in large part to tonight’s bizarre interruption, the broken down fourth wall that is the essence of “Tony & Tina’s Wedding” has been re-constructed, re-separating fiction and reality. We’ve all been dreading the day this would happen. Now that the show’s gimmicky appeal has been sullied, the cast and crew can no longer go on doing this pitiful shtick. This is the final performance of “Tony & Tina’s Wedding.”
TINA/MEADOW
And there will be no refunds!
(Blackout.)
1 comment:
i likey. i enjoy me a little meta-theatre, and i think this would be great on stage. one possible suggestion is to perform this as is, and near the end have one of your actor's friends/gf, etc. break on to the stage so that the real actor is actually surprised. now THAT"S environmental theatre. you know me, i'm serious. let me know if you want to put that on somewhere. i'd love to help. we've moved back to madison, but there are plenty of performance opportunities b/w mad, mke, and chicago. mke has a "performance nite" a couple times a year. and there's that theatre i produced my play at, they do one acts some times.
think about it you greazy paison!
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