*This one goes out to my pals in the Intro to Comedy Writing Class at the Second City in Chicago. Lisa, Phillip, Grant, Natasha, John, Scott, Mike, Chad, Courtney, Aaron, Kelly, Rebecca, and the elusive Elliot. Fate worse than death awaits me if I forgot anyone. Hope to return to Chicago, with the court case settled and my brain chemicals re-balanced. Someday, I can only hope, my level of appreciation will not be the most profound in hindsight.
“BLUE TOOTH CONFUSION”
10/4/08
CAST
John – 30s, Graphics Designer
Drake – 30s, Stockbroker
Dolores – 50s, Homeless Woman
10/4/08
CAST
John – 30s, Graphics Designer
Drake – 30s, Stockbroker
Dolores – 50s, Homeless Woman
(Two men face the crowd. Drake is
a smug yuppie clad in a suit and
tie. John is dressed casually. He
stares forward with an expression
of aloof dread.)
DISEMBODIED VOICE
This is a purple line train to Linden.
DRAKE
Hey, do you know who won the Cubs game?
JOHN
No clue. I’m sorry, but I don’t follow baseball.
DRAKE
I wasn’t talking to you, bro.
JOHN
Oh. My mistake.
DRAKE
Yeah.
(Beat.)
DRAKE
Hey, what’s the forecast for tonight? The crew and I want to grill some dogs on the roof and I gotta know if Old Man God is gonna piss on the party...
Hello?
JOHN
It’s supposed to rain—yeah. I tuned into the Weather Channel this morning and apparently there’s, like, a seventy-percent chance—
DRAKE
Hold on a second, babe. Some guy at the train stop is squawking in my ear.
(He glowers at John.)
JOHN
...I’m confused. You keep saying you’re not talking to me, but there’s nobody else around, and you don’t have a cell phone, either.
a smug yuppie clad in a suit and
tie. John is dressed casually. He
stares forward with an expression
of aloof dread.)
DISEMBODIED VOICE
This is a purple line train to Linden.
DRAKE
Hey, do you know who won the Cubs game?
JOHN
No clue. I’m sorry, but I don’t follow baseball.
DRAKE
I wasn’t talking to you, bro.
JOHN
Oh. My mistake.
DRAKE
Yeah.
(Beat.)
DRAKE
Hey, what’s the forecast for tonight? The crew and I want to grill some dogs on the roof and I gotta know if Old Man God is gonna piss on the party...
Hello?
JOHN
It’s supposed to rain—yeah. I tuned into the Weather Channel this morning and apparently there’s, like, a seventy-percent chance—
DRAKE
Hold on a second, babe. Some guy at the train stop is squawking in my ear.
(He glowers at John.)
JOHN
...I’m confused. You keep saying you’re not talking to me, but there’s nobody else around, and you don’t have a cell phone, either.
(Drake turns his head and points.)
DRAKE
I’m fitted with a Bluetooth, Einstein. My woman is at home surfing the Net. I get constant news updates thanks to this gadget.
JOHN
What gadget? I don’t see anything in your ear.
DRAKE
That’s because it’s a Camo-tooth.
JOHN
Camo-tooth?
DRAKE
That’s what I said. Camo-tooth is the latest upgrade in high-dollar-comm. Blends in perfectly with the color of your inner ear so you look like a normal person, not some dumb-ass listening to a piece of shrapnel. You should buy one if you’re not too poor.
JOHN
Hmmm. It seems like a neat device, but I try to be careful about splurging on luxury items. They don’t always bring people happiness, you know. Plus, and no offense, but I think Bluetooths are kind of silly.
DRAKE
Blow me.
JOHN
What? How dare you talk to me that way!
DRAKE
Chill. I was talking to my girlfriend. She finished giving me all the updates I asked for and then she asked if there was anything else she could do. I tuned you out after you said, “Hmmm.” What were you saying?
JOHN
Never mind.
(Dolores, a bedraggled homeless
woman, enters the scene and
flanks John. She is wearing a
newspaper diaper.)
DOLORES
That shifty doctor stole all my estrogen!
DRAKE
What does that matter?
DOLORES
Why, because it’s the most precious of all the lady juices; that’s why it matters!
DRAKE
Huh? This doesn’t concern you, lady. My woman said she has a headache. That’s a pretty sorry excuse for b.j. denial.
(Beat.)
DOLORES
JOHN
What gadget? I don’t see anything in your ear.
DRAKE
That’s because it’s a Camo-tooth.
JOHN
Camo-tooth?
DRAKE
That’s what I said. Camo-tooth is the latest upgrade in high-dollar-comm. Blends in perfectly with the color of your inner ear so you look like a normal person, not some dumb-ass listening to a piece of shrapnel. You should buy one if you’re not too poor.
JOHN
Hmmm. It seems like a neat device, but I try to be careful about splurging on luxury items. They don’t always bring people happiness, you know. Plus, and no offense, but I think Bluetooths are kind of silly.
DRAKE
Blow me.
JOHN
What? How dare you talk to me that way!
DRAKE
Chill. I was talking to my girlfriend. She finished giving me all the updates I asked for and then she asked if there was anything else she could do. I tuned you out after you said, “Hmmm.” What were you saying?
JOHN
Never mind.
(Dolores, a bedraggled homeless
woman, enters the scene and
flanks John. She is wearing a
newspaper diaper.)
DOLORES
That shifty doctor stole all my estrogen!
DRAKE
What does that matter?
DOLORES
Why, because it’s the most precious of all the lady juices; that’s why it matters!
DRAKE
Huh? This doesn’t concern you, lady. My woman said she has a headache. That’s a pretty sorry excuse for b.j. denial.
(Beat.)
DOLORES
Rats are stubborn about accepting direction. The stupid varmints ruined my production of The Nutcratcker.
JOHN
JOHN
Clever title.
DOLORES
Nobody asked you. I’ve got a blue tooth in my ear.
(She removes a tooth from her
ear; it is colored blue.)
It ripped out of my mouth while I was trying to bite through a bike lock. The filament in there keeps me connected to my Blog on the information speedway.
JOHN
Good God. How did you get a blue tooth?
DRAKE
Scamming gullible investors has afforded me lots of cool stuff.
JOHN
Not you. Her.
DOLORES
For the last eight months I’ve subsisted on blueberry Pixie sticks.
DRAKE
Hey toots, I need to know how my stocks are doing.
DOLORES
Well, lucky for you, I got access to all the latest stock market updates.
JOHN
He was talking to his girlfriend.
DRAKE
The hell I was. This homeless woman is wearing a copy of today’s edition of the Tribune.
DOLORES
Stocks are printed on my right buttock.
(Drake nods and leans in to
inspect her backside.)
DRAKE
All right! Micronetics rose 28% today.
(He gives Dolores a high-five.)
JOHN
Why didn’t you ask your girlfriend for that information?
DRAKE
We broke up. I guess she dumped me. Said some nonsense about psychological abuse. Life moves fast. I’m a free man now. It’s time to play the field. You bring good luck, homeless woman, and I dig the way you talk.
DOLORES
Nobody asked you. I’ve got a blue tooth in my ear.
(She removes a tooth from her
ear; it is colored blue.)
It ripped out of my mouth while I was trying to bite through a bike lock. The filament in there keeps me connected to my Blog on the information speedway.
JOHN
Good God. How did you get a blue tooth?
DRAKE
Scamming gullible investors has afforded me lots of cool stuff.
JOHN
Not you. Her.
DOLORES
For the last eight months I’ve subsisted on blueberry Pixie sticks.
DRAKE
Hey toots, I need to know how my stocks are doing.
DOLORES
Well, lucky for you, I got access to all the latest stock market updates.
JOHN
He was talking to his girlfriend.
DRAKE
The hell I was. This homeless woman is wearing a copy of today’s edition of the Tribune.
DOLORES
Stocks are printed on my right buttock.
(Drake nods and leans in to
inspect her backside.)
DRAKE
All right! Micronetics rose 28% today.
(He gives Dolores a high-five.)
JOHN
Why didn’t you ask your girlfriend for that information?
DRAKE
We broke up. I guess she dumped me. Said some nonsense about psychological abuse. Life moves fast. I’m a free man now. It’s time to play the field. You bring good luck, homeless woman, and I dig the way you talk.
(Overcome with emotion,
Dolores begins sniffling
with joy.)
DOLORES
It’s been so long since a man has given me a compliment. Thank you.
DRAKE
Stop crying!
DOLORES
(offended)
What?!
DRAKE
Oh, not you, baby. My ex-girlfriend is still on the line. She’s crying, saying she wants to get back together, but she’s just a part of my past—I swear.
DISEMBODIED VOICE
This is a brown line train to Kimball.
JOHN
I’ll see you two later. The train is calling me.
(He exits the scene.)
DOLORES
Who needs the brown line when we can take the blue line together?
(She produces a blue Pixie
Stick and empties it out
above their frantically
probing tongues and lips.)
DRAKE
Delicious. Hey, did that guy really think the train was calling him?
DOLORES
I think so. What a nut-job!
(Blackout.)
with joy.)
DOLORES
It’s been so long since a man has given me a compliment. Thank you.
DRAKE
Stop crying!
DOLORES
(offended)
What?!
DRAKE
Oh, not you, baby. My ex-girlfriend is still on the line. She’s crying, saying she wants to get back together, but she’s just a part of my past—I swear.
DISEMBODIED VOICE
This is a brown line train to Kimball.
JOHN
I’ll see you two later. The train is calling me.
(He exits the scene.)
DOLORES
Who needs the brown line when we can take the blue line together?
(She produces a blue Pixie
Stick and empties it out
above their frantically
probing tongues and lips.)
DRAKE
Delicious. Hey, did that guy really think the train was calling him?
DOLORES
I think so. What a nut-job!
(Blackout.)
1 comment:
Nick, I love the idea of this play. original and will interest your audience. This is what i have to say:
drake is possibly too prickish at beginning, you can tone him down a little and still get the effect, especially with john being so reserved.
use of actual tooth may be hard to convey for audience, unless filming and can do close up.
"most precious of all the lady juices" line is hilarious!
pixie stick romance(sharing) is good visual.
ending can be a little stronger- more clever or more to chew on.
I'm taking workshop classes so looking at and commenting on others writings is second nature to me now.
DEFINITELY a good draft. i would just tighten in places.
~e
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