Sports Chat

I wrote this one for a class I took at Chicago's Second City.

“SPORTS CHAT”
9/12/08

CAST
Roy Plonske - 40s, Radio Show Host
Lane Vundervetti – 20s, NFL kicker

(Radio Booth)
(Two men sit facing each other.
The older one mimes pressing dials on a switchboard.)

ROY PLONSKE
Hello and welcome to “Sports Chat” on AM 820, the Chicago area’s number one source for all you Sports fanatics. My guest today is Lane Vundervetti, who I believe is a kicker in the National Football League. Is that correct, Lane?

LANE VUNDERVETTI
Um, yes. I’m a kicker for the Jaguars.

ROY PLONSKE
Fantastic. But more important than your career is the fact that you love Sports. Now, let’s get down to brass tacks: Which three words come to your mind when I say “Sports”?

LANE VUNDERVETTI
Hmmm. Interesting question. Off the top of my head, I’d have to say, “Thrilling,” “triumphant,” and “competitive.”

ROY PLONSKE
Uh-huh. I agree with the first two words whole-heartedly, but “competitive” is a bit of a head-scratcher to me. Unless you mean to suggest that each note of Sports is competing to out-rock the previous note. In which case, one could hardly disagree.

LANE VUNDERVETTI
(confused)
Competing to out-rock the previous note...

ROY PLONSKE
Right. That’s what I thought you meant. Here’s a doozey of a question: which do you prefer, the A-side or the B-side?

LANE VUNDERVETTI
The A-side or the B-side of what?

ROY PLONSKE
Why, Sports, of course. The topic of this radio show.

LANE VUNDERVETTI
Well...by A-side or B-side, do you mean, like, pros vs. cons? 'Cause I’d have to say the pros, such as being paid a great deal of money to play sports...

ROY PLONSKE
Whoa! There’s a company that’ll pay you to play Sports? I’d quit this radio gig in a second if I could snag a job like that. At least five times a day I play Sports.

LANE VUNDERVETTI
Really? I didn’t realize you were so athletic.

ROY PLONSKE
I didn’t mention athletics. I’m talking about Sports, a musical achievement you agreed was both thrilling and triumphant.

LANE VUNDERVETTI
I’m lost. What exactly are you talking about?

ROY PLONSKE
Sports, you meat-head! The chart-topping album by Huey Lewis and the News.

LANE VUNDERVETTI
Wait. Let me get this straight. You’ve devoted a weekly half-hour radio program to an album from—what—1984?

ROY PLONSKE
1983, stupid. God. What kind of a stooge assumes sports-athletics instead of Sports-Huey Lewis when he’s asked to give an interview on “Sports Chat”?

LANE VUNDERVETTI
(sarcastic)
Right. How silly of me.

ROY PLONSKE
Well, for the seventh-straight week, “Sports Chat” is going to call it quits prematurely due to miscommunication with a dumb jock. But before you get the hell out of here, Lane, answer my question: the A-side or B-side?

LANE VUNDERVETTI
(beat, followed by dry delivery)
The A-side.

ROY PLONSKE
The man’s got a soft spot for the “Heart of Rock and Roll,” “Heart and Soul” opening salvo. And who could blame him? Don’t touch that dial because “World News Tonight” is up next. The News is gonna share tales of all the wild parties they had on their '86 World Tour.