Tuesday, July 9, 2013
All of Nick's Favorite Albums
^ Adam Sandler on SNL as rock music nerd Gil Graham.* ^
Months ago, after I had finished a story, I searched for what to do next in one of my notebooks. The worthiest idea was a piece titled “Good Names, Bad Names.”
Thunderballz is a good name for an AC/DC cover band, I wrote. Gaylord is a bad name to give a homophobic baby.
And that's as far as I got.
I decided to compose a list of my 20 favorite albums to keep my mind active. Plus I'm into that obsessive, subjective shit.
Here are the rules: I won't include live albums, regardless of how great I think they are, because they so often encompass eras or entire career-spans of musicians. The merits of a single recording session shouldn't be compared alongside of a live performance with multiple sessions to pick and choose from for optimum material. For that reason, I will only type that I'd love to gush about Pearl Jam's Live on Two Legs, Talking Heads' Stop Making Sense, and Johnny Cash's concert at Folsom Prison, but stubborn logic prevents me from doing so in this forum.
In the interest of providing a more diverse list, I will refrain from including more than one album by a band or musician. That is why I won't blab about my fondness for Beck's Guero, Spoon's Gimme Fiction, or a handful of worthy candidates recorded by the Beatles and Radiohead.
Greatest hits albums? Get the fuck out of here. The audacity!
Apologies, ladies, for arranging such a sausage-fest in my highly subjective celebration of terrific music. Can I be forgiven if I insist that, “There is something wrong with me, not you”? I doubt it. That line didn't go over well in bed, either.
Also, I will, perhaps, give disproportionate credit to the songwriters involved and therefore diminish the contributions of the other musicians in a band. Such biases may offend bassists and drummers but seem like a natural conceit to storytellers who sing in voices people love to hear.
20. Jets to Brazil—Orange Rhyming Dictionary (1998): The countdown commences with its least acclaimed entry. Wikipedia, for instance, lends little more than insight into the gag behind the album's title. Nothing rhymes with “Orange.” Get it?!
In 1995, a multitude of haughty punks betrayed and disparaged Jawbreaker—JTB frontman Blake Schwarzenbach's former band. The backlash from purists arose when Jawbreaker capitalized on their fringe-success by signing with a major label. In light of the mainstreaming of punk that was led by bands like Green Day, genre-elitists reckoned it unforgivable for a group to accept a pay raise for making great music. Disenchanted fans literally turned their backs on the band throughout Jawbreaker's final concerts. It was a misguided condemnation of the trio who had delivered the masterful 24-Hour Revenge Therapy, a denouncement of grown men who still loved punk rock but had become tired of sleeping on couches and riding vast distances from gig-to-gig in a ramshackle van. Come on, punk-kids in 1995. There is a difference between ideals and delusions.
Orange Rhyming Dictionary marked Blake's transition into indie rock/ emo, and he reveled in the leeway allowed for the expansion of sounds and sentiments that other scenes had to offer. Blake was free to dwell in the somber and contemplative riff of “Chinatown.” He was in no hurry, felt no need for thrashing abrasions when he relayed the story of lying depressed on the floor and observing that his curtains resembled a “Sea Anemone.” He was still a romantic who wanted to proclaim his love for a woman, as he did in Jawbreaker's “Jinx Removing,” but his delivery in “Sweet Avenue” was less feverish, more thoroughly developed and refined.
Aside from its notable ballads, Dictionary excels with an enticing blend of distortion and purity, propelled by both disenchantment and resolve. The album opens with “Crown of the Valley,” a tale of spoiled nostalgia that rollicks with a near-perfect alt-rock groove highlighted by Blake's pleading, “Oh God, stop tearing off the roof of my experimental bathroom/ It's the only thing that's halfway mine, and not for your prying or lying eyes.” On the 10th track, he builds upon suspenseful dread, types for miles and creates worried piles of paper before conclusively indicting his muse, who keeps fucking up his life. Blake endured the communal backlash that spelled the demise of his first band, acknowledged his cynicism of punk-cynics and radio-friendly profiteers alike, and retained his integrity. As was the case in the escape-anthem “Morning New Disease,” he was still dreaming of a life that wasn't his, but at least he kept dreaming, and for that, I am thankful.
^Yes, Simpsons fanatic strikes again. Honestly, this is the superior album cover...unless you wanna gawk at a baby's wiener, of course.^
19. Nirvana-Nevermind (1991): For Kurt Cobain, the album that defined the Seattle grunge-explosion and spelled the demise of hair metal proved those dark adages about being careful for what one wishes for and catching hell for answered prayers. It was the same desire to connect with listeners on an emotional level that would later terrify him when he was deemed the spokesman for his generation. Like Dylan before him, he resented the lofty distinction. Both men felt daunted by such expectations and hated to be perceived as Messianic figures. Cobain lacked the will-power of a survivor, however, which was unlike Dylan. Heartbroken and enfeebled by addiction, the disillusioned voice of the early-'90s ultimately decided life wasn't worth the trouble.
To express the impact of the first track and lead single, “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” is redundant by now. It stands as an exceedingly rare hit that altered the landscape of popular music, for good or ill—depending on whose side you were on in the Axl/ Cobain rivalry that was ignited by their bad-ass vs. smart-ass confrontation before the 1992 MTV Video Music Awards. “Teen Spirit” is as overplayed as “Whole Lotta Love” and maybe even “Welcome to the Jungle”--songs packed with such timely impact that they hardly require further listening at this point.
That should not count as a demerit against Nevermind, however; despite allowing for more production-polishes from Butch Vig, Cobain did not scale back on his sometimes enlightened, sometimes adolescent vitriol for the sake of a #1 single. “In Bloom” and “Come as You Are” likewise garnered airtime on MTV and rock radio without yielding much compromise of artistic intent. The former was a landmark of slacker irony for its skewering of those who like all the pretty songs, even when they know not the message. The latter was a riff-hypnotic, desperate plea for true friendship from a man who was lying when he swore that he didn't have a gun.
It is the tracks that received little-to-no exposure on MTV or rock radio that solidify Nevermind as a personal favorite, though. Amid the mid-tempo laceration of “Lounge Act,” Cobain lets us know that even alt-rock saviors struggle with unrequited crushes; he confides, “I've got this friend, you see, who makes me feel/ And I wanted more than I could steal.” Drummer Dave Grohl commands blistering beats of punk-fueled aggression on tracks like “Territorial Pissings” and “Stay Away.” Bassist Krist Novoselic lends a sinister buoyancy to tracks such as the quiet-to-loud, bipolar anthem “Lithium.”
Cobain, was, of course, the star of the show, in ways both fitting and tragic--and that is perhaps best evidenced by the doom-struck empathy he evokes for a victim of atrocities named “Polly.” In his acknowledgment of the ballad, Bob Dylan remarked, “The kid has heart.” My favorite track is “Drain You,” a gripping horror show of human selfishness and insincerity. “One baby to another says, 'I'm lucky I met you'/ I don't care what you think unless it is about me/ It is now my duty to completely drain you.” He goes on to evoke the story of Original Sin, charging, “You taught me everything without a poison apple.” It is a grave misfortune that Cobain believed he had learned all that he needed to know about this world and its people when he died by his own hand at the age of 27.
18. Elliott Smith—From a Basement on the Hill (2004): Despite the appearances of this and the previous entry, not all of the ensuing albums were written by suicidal heroin addicts... It's just a happy coincidence how it turned out this way!
Yikes and anyway:
On one level, it seems like a morbid bias is at work in adoration of the songs that essentially served as one man's self-inflicted goodbye to the cruel world. On another, and perhaps more humane level, most of the tracks are just so damn plaintively beautiful and alive with melancholic melody that such a bias is owed to From a Basement on the Hill.
“Coast to Coast” begins the posthumous release with an orchestral overture suitable for a horror movie. The macabre tunings are followed by percussive kicks and cracks and an ominous guitar riff that sounds like a buzz-saw spinning with sinister patience. Smith pleads for amnesia to forget about his emotional ties to friends and loved ones after his mind has been made up on the matter of life and death. Smith admits that he doesn't consider himself the sort of person who makes others happy and gives up on constructing that facade. “Let's Get Lost” finds the pained singer/ songwriter longing for the comforts that introverts get from solitude. In “Shooting Star,” Smith wails a riff of haunting acid rock and likens the appeal of an unreliable love interest to the fleeting faith experienced by those who wish upon meteorites that pass across the galaxy, far away from us. “King's Crossing” is an eerie journey into the psyche of an abject drug addict—redeemed by Smith's gripping honesty and gift for melody. He taunts, "Give me one good reason not to do it." A tender female voice answers, “Because we love you.” That was recorded after the fact, when Smith's swan songs were being mixed in the studio.
“A Fond Farewell” stands as Smith's equivalent to Cobain's “All Apologies.” With detached resignation, Smith compares his internal crisis to bidding “Farewell” to a friend “who couldn't get things right.” To him, his life and demise added up to “A little less than a happy high/ A little less than a suicide/ The only things that you really tried.” Elliott Smith sold himself short.
Footnotes interlude:
* Like Red from Shawshank, I wish I could go back in time and talk to this young man. "You don't have star in four movies every year just because you can. Be selective. There's no reason to do a remake of The Longest Yard." I want to talk to him but I can't. He's gone now. And all that's left is a billionaire with a loving family who gets awesome seats at sporting events because most people don't care about what critics think. Sad.
17. Cake—Comfort Eagle (2001): As outrageous as this might seem, more so than Bob Dylan or Johnny Cash, Cake singer John McCrea impresses me most with his less-than-spectacular vocals. McCrea, much like the legends I have perhaps dubiously compared him to, excels in his knack for accommodating insightful and cynical narrations to a voice that—if not exceptional—never wavers far from truth and wit.
McCrea enthralls with vivid character sketches of a global variety, from Austrian noblemen and opera singers who perform in foreign lands to the aspiring writers and offbeat radio deejays of America. “Meanwhile, Rick James” offers a twinkling rockabye of keyboard notes to soothe a man who's helpless in his efforts to protect his girlfriend from the allures of big city seediness. Multi-instrumentalist Vincent DiFiore juggles keyboard and trumpet duties with the greatest of ease. He lends spooky tones to the title track, an ironic denouncement of the greed and hubris symptomatic of expanding empires, as well as sharp flourishes of brass to “Short Skirt/ Long Jacket,” McCrea's dynamic plea for the perfect lover.
Comfort Eagle is a fine rock album with astute pop-sensibilities. McCrea is a wily cynic who can still deliver earnest affection (in “Love You Madly,” for instance), as well as unaffected heartache in the closer, “World of Two.” His workmanlike baritone in no way diminishes his songs because they are so thoroughly crafted and labored over with focus and care.
16. David Bowie—The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars (1972): There is a chance that Ziggy Stardust may not truly qualify for the concept album hall-of-fame (alongside of Sgt. Pepper and Tommy) because it's possible that Bowie was too spaced-out and loony to discern the act from the real thing. Ringo Starr, for instance, could no doubt tell the difference between himself and Billy Shears, but in the early '70s, Bowie's distinction between identity and character seemed, at the very least, hazier. Ultimately, Ziggy Stardust was a splendid compromise of schizophrenic ticks and art-rock grandeur that put Bowie in the role of his supernatural yet doomed alter-ego.
It's telling that on the opening track, “Five Years,” Bowie readily admits that he feels like an actor. The conceptual premise of Ziggy is (loosely) established here: with Armageddon lurking in a half-decade, a visitor from another planet with musical chops and a garish taste in wardrobe is left with only so much time to enlighten us with his lewd and ethereal brand of rock music. In the process, however, Ziggy's focus wavers; his excesses are most clearly exposed in the pseudo-title track, when it is revealed he “took it all too far,” ravished his own ego, and collapsed under the gravity of his messiah-complex. Ziggy's story-arc concludes, predictably but no less powerfully, as a “Rock and Roll Suicide.” In resuming the fixation for cosmic mysteries that he founded with “Space Oddity,” Bowie played the role of an ill-fated alien rather than a man, loaded the songs with kitsch, but somehow never forfeited his project to the forces of farce. There are psychedelic preachings, to be sure, hippie-commands to “Freak out in a 'Moonage Daydream,'” but Bowie seemed a worthy prophet nonetheless. The first words of “Rock and Roll Suicide” stand as testament to that...
“Time takes a cigarette and puts it in your mouth.” And later, he wails the only condolence for such a grim truth: “You're not alone.”
15. Jimi Hendrix Experience—Are You Experienced? (1967): Judging by the plethora of singles that bolster this album, you'd think it breaks my rule of excluding Greatest Hits collections. Incredibly, though, “Purple Haze,” “Fire,” “The Wind Cries Mary,” “Hey Joe,” “Foxy Lady,” and “Manic Depression” are all included on the Jimi Hendrix Experience's debut. Hendrix was so talented that he could provoke baffled accusations of cheating from rock 'n' roll mortals, and more than 40 years later, it's still stunning to consider the abundance of great songs that resulted from his first recording session with the Experience. Hendrix would later release Axis: Bold as Love and Electricladyland before his untimely death in 1970. Not even the Beatles accomplished so much in such a limited window of time. He wasn't cheating, but it sure seemed that way.
Hendrix announces his presence at the party during rock's golden age with the psychedelic strut of “Purple Haze.” He wonders if he is “happy or in misery,” considers it a moot point either way, and translates to his listeners the spell his muse puts on him. Within the span of the incantation, images are conjured: tire tracks smeared across the backs of loose groupies who play hard-to-get, jealous lovers with blood on their hands fleeing for the border, traffic lights about to turn the color of loneliness—all told by a weird gypsy who straddles an ignited Stratocaster as he charms and beckons the flames. Hendrix captivated with searing riffs without resorting to as much macho fluff as Jimmy Page. At times, he was as poetically engaging as Dylan or Lennon, and his feats of virtuosity on the guitar were unrivaled by either one.
He was such an extraordinary talent that it seemed like he was cheating, but in reality, that was never the case. Jimi Hendrix just set his own rules to play by.
14. The White Stripes—Elephant (2003): Judging by the album cover, which portrays two strikingly pale indie rockers sitting on an amplifier, both stricken with despair, the White Stripes did not seem especially psyched about the widespread buzz wrought by 2001's White Blood Cells. Such trepidation may have been true on some level, but Elephant, the duo's followup to the hype they generated for the garage rock revival scene, marks a bold claim of their presence as an upper-echelon band in popular music. Elephant is less of a salute to well-crafted trashiness, more indicative of the group's fondness for Led Zeppelin as opposed to Iggy and the Stooges. It's a stunning achievement of mainstream acclaim that never compromises Jack and Meg's core goal of maximizing the potential of minimalism.
The first track, “Seven Nation Army,” is the most duly overplayed single since “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” I cannot stand the 14th and final track. (Is that just me?) Aside from those extremes, Elephant leaves nothing to complain about. Among others, “Black Math,” “Girl, You Have No Faith in Medicine,” and “Hypnotize” scintillate with the Stripes' straightforward and biting approach. “I Want to be the Boy to Warm Your Mother's Heart” and “You've Got Her in Your Pocket” showcase Jack's nearly outdated pangs of sincerity. “Ball and Biscuit” is a bluesy odyssey of snide self-empowerment that finds a great guitarist who tends to favor simpler chords in the mood to puff out his chest and rip a few mesmerizing solos. In “The Hardest Button to Button,” Jack tartly makes amends with childhood squalor, as though he'd like to flaunt his middle finger to the whole world with the flippancy of fellow Detroit native Eminem... if only he wasn't such a gentleman.
Jack admits that he doesn't consider himself a genius in “The Air Near My Fingers.” Fair enough, but he sure is brilliant, and he chose a worthy sidekick (whom I've always wanted to see topless). Brilliant minds still get bored sometimes—as he indicates earlier on the same track—but the notion that said boredom has to translate to the audience is as misleading as, say, an album cover that portrays two seemingly distraught indie-rockers who really didn't mind the spotlight all that much. The White Stripes told an occasional fib.
13. Weezer (the blue album) (1994): “What's with these homeys dissing my girl/ Why do they gotta front?” Frontman Rivers Cuomo begs this question at the start of his band's splendid breakthrough single. Similarly, there is no cause for derision of Weezer's debut because of the letdowns Cuomo and Co. have released for much of the past decade-plus. Chuck Klosterman, a more accredited writer on rock music, contends that Cuomo's songwriting skills have not diminished; rather, his persistent earnestness has become incompatible with the counterculture's increasing need for irony. I disagree. I never want anything to do with Dungeons and Dragons, but when Rivers Cuomo began to favor his KISS poster “In the Garage” to his 12-sided die, Weezer's sound suffered. It's okay to blend KISS-like, pop-metal hooks with gnashing, Pixies and Nirvana-inspired angst; that is, in fact, what once made Weezer such an appealing band. The backlash against Weezer started when Cuomo—the Harvard graduate with horn-rimmed specs—adopted the dumb-it-way-down approach of KISS. The “Weezer Problem,” horribly embellished as it may be, has little to do with irony and much to do with wasted brainpower.
That stated, the blue album stands as the first album I bought—on cassette, which would have presented the tedious issue of having to fast-forward rather than skip a track not worth the listen. Thankfully, the blue album is without a second of filler material; from the power-pop wallop of “My Name Is Jonas” to the extended, brooding trance of “Only in Dreams,” the geek rockers find an exquisite balance of alternative sounds light on self-loathing and radio-friendly singalongs that are actually thoughtful. Cuomo somehow charms as a jealous and controlling boyfriend in “No One Else.” He convinces his listeners of the plausible nature of riding a surfboard to work. More candidly, he offers a quiet/ loud indictment of drunken stepfathers that serves as a generation's go-to anthem for the children of divorced parents; “Say It Ain't So” probably surpasses even Nirvana's “Serve the Servants” in that regard.
Which is saying something, when you consider that Cobain is remembered by many as the premier songwriter of the '90s. And who cares about all those post-Pinkerton letdowns?* Make Believe they were only nightmares, for “Only in dreams, we see what it means.”
12.The Strokes—Is This It (2001): An electric guitar mimics the sound of short-circuitry, drums thump a lax tempo, and then—with the conviction of a weary malcontent—Julian Casablancas pleads, “Can't you see I'm trying?/ I don't even like it.” Fittingly, the Strokes' rise to fame seemed nonchalant, as though they were resigned to ambition, already burned out by partying and groupies in their early-20s yet doggedly set on going through the motions of stardom. Their debut LP garnered glowing reviews, inspired rock critics to employ the metaphor about “lightning caught in a bottle” ad nauseam, spelled the demise of goatee metal-rap, and redefined something obscurely known as the “cultural zeitgeist.” The Manhattan quintet foretold their response to such hype in their debut's opening/ title track: “Is this it?”
This album yielded three terrific singles. As in “Last Nite,” the raucous yet tuneful strums of dual guitarists Albert Hammond Jr. and Nick Valensi interlace and build dynamics until the former exclaims with a solo perhaps too trashy for arena rock but at least befitting of a much larger garage. “Someday” finds Casablancas longing for freedom via childhood nostalgia and subverting the Pink Floyd principle: “Together we stand/ Divided we fall.” (“Alone we stand/ Together we fall apart.”) “Hard to Explain” envisions space-rock without the hippies and relays a conversation between an adoring boyfriend and a skeptical father.
“The Modern Age” is a flourishing spree for slackers that verges on questioning if all relationships are doomed. “Barely Legal” comes across as a sloppy nod to surf-rock re-envisioned with NYC grit. And with lyrics such as, “I should have worked much harder/ I should have just not bothered,” it's easy to see that the Strokes are not easily appeased. Which hardly matters; their appeal lies in upbeat and unkempt musings on eternal dissatisfaction. The human condition has rarely sounded so infectious.
11.Led Zeppelin—Houses of the Holy (1973): Disregard the album cover. Dwelling on it inspires reactions such as, “Artistic, I guess... but mostly REALLY creepy” and “That avant-garde pederast really had a VISION.” If the whim strikes you, feel free to skip past “No Quarter,” a compelling yet mismatched dirge that has Led to countless acid-induced horror shows. It is then feasible to regard Houses of the Holy as Zeppelin's finest, and less equivocally, their most vibrant. Houses then qualifies as my most-treasured album when I'm in the mood to appreciate life. Zeppelin's fifth offering finds the hobbits returning home safely from the darkest depths of Mordor. With the glowing support of their families and community, the group rejoices and gets down to mending the levee that broke at the conclusion of IV, rebuilding it with wizened minds and abler hands.
The musical chops of Page, Bonham, and Jones are unmatched by pretty much any other band you can think of. Robert Plant is not one of my favorite singer/ songwriters, but the man undoubtedly 1.) has awesome pipes,** 2.) OWNED his role in the spotlight of the biggest group of the 1970s, and 3.) should in no way be called a liability. Bonus: He sounds decidedly less sleazy, not as easily parodied on Houses.
“D'yer Mak'er” is the Zeppelin tune I get the most guff for loving. In the ensuing sentences I will be defending my opinion in transposed pro/ con fashion. Con: The words “mad,” “bad,” and “sad” are perhaps rhymed gratuitously. Pro: “D'yer Mak'er” delivers an eargasm. Con: Sure, but it's an eargasm induced by a blatantly simple groove that serves as Zeppelin's answer to the missionary position. Pro: Missionary can still deliver an eargasm, so shut your ugly face, naysayer. Get yourself a blog so you can tell me how much "D'yer Mak'er" sucks.
ELSEWHERE, the rickety structure of “The Crunge” hints that the same blokes responsible for “Stairway to Heaven” have a penchant for levity, too. “Over the Hills and Far Away” and “The Ocean” are jubilant blasts of arena rock that even fussy cynics can embrace. If you take into account the “No Quarter” exception I mentioned before, the most somber sentiment on this glorious LP can be heard in “The Rain Song.” “Upon us all, a little rain must fall.” Just a little rain? I can live with that.
Footnotes interlude:
* 2002's Maladroit is an enjoyable and smart album, but the one after that might as well have been made by 14-year-olds with poor social skills. To further complicate things, their sophomore effort Pinkerton is arguably their greatest work; with another perfect 10/10 mark on the track listing, it almost drove me bonkers to exclude Pinkerton in favor of the blue album... but hey, I powered through it all 'cause that's a bit of a white guy problem, anyway.
** It's a good thing I pluralized "pipe." I was one Freudian misspelling away from raving about Robert Plant's "awesome pipe."
10.The Rolling Stones—Exile on Main St. (1972): The quintessential Saturday night soundtrack, Exile on Main St. is a raunchy celebration of dance-crumpled mini-skirts and lipstick-smeared collars. The album showcases brass-blowing session men in impeccable harmony with their rock superstar overlords; the Stones achieve a broadened and voluminous sound without cutting the contributions of any core members of the group (as the Beatles did on Sgt. Pepper, wherein Ringo was left to idle so much that the bloke learned how to play chess when he wasn't needed). On Main St., rocks are gotten off, joints are ripped, and hips are shaken—and that only covers the first three tracks.
Later on, the Stones muse on the dual natures of love and luck, reason and spirituality, but such melodic insights should not be mistaken for a lull in the party; the boys simply need to recharge their long-enduring batteries, and they do so with tranquil resolve, even when scraping the shit off their shoes in “Sweet Virginia.”
“Loving Cup” jumbles sentiment with lust and liquor until the distinctions seem moot—for they are all but things that embody longing and pleasure, the group's primary drives. Powered by gospel-like backup vocals, “Tumbling Dice” is a soulful entreaty that evokes how Abba's “Take a Chance on Me” might sound in Bizarro World. “Stop Breaking Down” is rowdy, blue-infused rock best suited for strutting troublemakers with simple yet sound advice to offer.
In addition to breaking down, along with many others, I'd be best advised to stop comparing the Rolling Stones to the Beatles. If you favor the pragmatic principles of physical attraction and compatibility to that grand and hokey romantic yarn about soulmates transcending mortality to go on and on across the universe, you almost certainly prefer the Rolling Stones. If you view pop-sensibilities that duly garner radio play as a gift rather than a demerit, you almost certainly prefer the Beatles.
Exile on Main St. is the Rolling Stones album that most makes me squirm and beg, “Do I really have to choose?”
9.Bright Eyes—I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning (2005): Have you heard the one about the woman who was flying to meet her fiancĂ©e over the largest ocean on planet Earth when--quite unexpectedly--the plane went down? Like most of Conor Oberst's narratives, it gets exceedingly better once the music cues. In the tradition of singer/ songwriters who eschew chops in favor of poetic passion (and inevitably garner comparisons to Dylan), Oberst and his indie pals craft folksy melodies to serve the boy-genius' visceral storytelling and vivid imagery.
Conor's depth and versatility of sound lift him above accusations of Emo-sympathizing. Sometimes he comes across as snotty, but such petulance is entirely redeemed by his volition, grit, and sincerity. I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning does more than just flourish as a (mostly) folk album released 40 years after Bringing It All Back Home, which was released decades before MTV, Nirvana, and Nine Inch Nails. The album also presses with the right amount of force against the boundaries of what exactly constitutes folk music.
“Lua” and “The First Day of My Life” are romantic acoustic ballads that stand as Oberst's finest musings on heartache and true love, resp. “Another Travelin' Song” channels the grieving swagger of Gram Parsons. One could wear Chuck Taylors or cowboy boots while dancing to it without feeling like a hypocrite either way. It's the sort of song that can be boogied to with perked ears that seek out every note and word.
Whereas the previous entry constitutes an ideal night-album, it's worth savoring I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning shortly after arising from bed for the day. All ten tracks goad a heightened awareness in listeners. Whether somber or fiery, the songs command attention and coax a craving for details. On “Road to Joy,” Oberst concludes his masterpiece with a nod to Beethoven and waylays with his brand of minutely crafted, righteous spunk. “The Sun came up with no conclusions,” he sings. “Flowers sleeping in their beds/ The city cemetery's humming/ I'm wide awake, it's morning.” From the standpoint of a contented night-owl, this album marks one of the premier reasons to toast with coffee the majestic expansion of daylight that comes with every new sunrise.
8.Modest Mouse—The Lonesome Crowded West (1997): Though he seems like a goofy cynic at heart, Modest Mouse front-man Isaac Brock's musical mind tends to gravitate toward dark moods and loathsome squalor—particularly on his group's earlier efforts. On their second LP, the salty Pacific Northwesterner and his two band-mates capture the wry indictments of a hung-over malcontent on a cross-country journey.
“Teeth Like God's Sunshine,” the album's opener, is like an American indie-rock counterpart to “Paranoid Android.” The first track is a jaded and sprawling overview of the downfalls of a lonesome, crowded culture. “Shoeshine” rollicks, plods, rises, and thrashes for nearly 7 minutes without squandering a second. With snide exhaustion, Brock advises us to “Go to the grocery store and buy some new friends” before plaintively asking, “Do you need a lot of what you got to survive?”
“Convenient Parking” comments on the dispassion incited by highway travel to various cities that all pretty much look the same. Brock's musings on monotony culminate in a concise and primal outcry in the chorus that calls to mind the profane tantrum of a sweat-stung, working-class underling stuck in an L.A. traffic jam. His imagery is even more concrete and evocative on the sobering, twang-laden ballad “Trailer Trash.” Descriptions of indigent teenagers “eating snowflakes with plastic forks” and pithy summations of their parents (“Short love with a long divorce”) almost cause too much heartache to be considered beautiful. (Almost.)
In spite of his detection of sinister undertones in mall-walking and Orange Julius stands, his snarls of blasphemy in “Jesus Christ Was an Only Child” and “Cowboy Dan,” Brock's band has to offer a headphones sanctuary that is not nihilistic. No—a more fitting designation of such a sonic hideaway is along the lines of the lonesome, uncrowded bliss.
7.Spoon—Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga (2007): Few bands have handled the transition from indie darlings to (fringe) mainstream fame with as much ease as Spoon. It matters little that a fluky teen drama, The O.C., played a significant role in their rise to success. Spoon have outlasted that sort of ephemera and established themselves as perhaps the most critically praised band of the naughties on our side of the Atlantic (where Radiohead are deemed foreigners...brilliant and miserable foreigners).
My favorite of their LPs commences with “Don't Make Me a Target,” a disaffected alt-rock gem that expresses the wariness of peaceful individuals cloaked in the gigantic shadow of tyrants. The baleful bitterness is surpassed by its virtue and accentuated by a momentous jam of jangled riffs gone haywire and piano keys that sound precisely stomped more so than fingered. “Rhythm and Soul” and “Finer Feelings” are tuneful deep cuts that could easily pass for singles. Former Get-Up Kids bassist Rob Pope plucks the groove that impels “Don't You Evah.” Front-man Britt Daniel's mastery of quirky tinkering in the production booth is evident throughout the album, and his melodic rasp once again employs grit to create smooth textures in the same way that sandpaper refines unseemly bumps and blemishes.
Spoon expand on their minimalist roots on “You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb” and “The Underdog,” a pair of singles boosted by horn-section blasts of gusto. “Cherry Bomb” is somehow at once crystal-clear and enigmatic, joyful and rueful (with lines such as “We lost it all before, you and me”). My savviest stab at its meaning is probably reductive: it serves as a contrite love letter, an infectious message to Daniel's better-half akin to, “Sorry I fucked up, but bare in mind, I wrote this song for you, so please take it easy on me.” “The Underdog”--as I've mentioned before--provides the perfect soundtrack for a muted game of Super Punch-out. The likes of Super Macho Man, you see, represent hulking masses of hubris, bulky meat-heads with steroid-enhanced egos who shun the advice of frail but sagacious water-boys, while Little Mac embodies the righteous jabs of humility that so often (yet somehow unexpectedly) pulverize the undue conceits that fester inside of us.
Delivered with Paul Simonesque wryness and attention to detail, “The Underdog” can also be construed as a fine dismissal of those foolish enough to charge that indie-darlings on the rise are damned if they do (sign to a major label and—shudder—risk accusations of “sell-outs!”) and damned if they don't (cash in on what they could potentially earn because of some misguided attempt at purity). Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga stands as indelible proof that success is not the enemy of creativity—and that any potential nay-saying from hipsters means nothing compared to the pay-raise that a truly great band deserves.
6.Pink Floyd—Dark Side of the Moon (1973): In regard to this undeniable classic, some have a bold theory. Edgar Allan Poe—that dreary pioneer of Gothic horror and mystery who used the word “phantasmagoria” in wise recognition that it would soon go out of style—met up with Jules Vern—the main forefather of science-fiction and author of From the Earth to the Moon—and traveled in a time machine built by H.G. Wells to Abbey Road Studios in London, where they scared the bejesus out of a reefer-stoned Roger Waters* as he gazed with sorrowful longing at a photograph of Syd Barrett, the former front-man of Floyd—who had opted out of the pressures of fame and adulthood and went into seclusion, owing to the mental havoc wreaked by schizophrenia and way, waaaayyyy too many doses of LSD.
After a fit of hysteria and a frantically snuffed-out joint, Waters' terror was quelled—not by reason, for that had clearly failed him, but rather by the unreasonable nature of creative miracles. The three artists swapped notes, exchanged ideas on psychosis, man's relation to the cosmos, and psychedelic space-rock much closer in tone to Kubrick's 2001 than the Grateful Dead. An epiphany was born, but shortly afterward, Poe raided Floyd's liquor cabinet and began blubbering, “O—the contemptible plight of it all!” Vern affronted Waters' ego with incessant beseechings of "Wishing to revel in the grand acquaintanceship of the transcendent Paul McCartney.” The brainstorming session had precipitated a rather dismal celebration. With a brusque clearing of his throat, Waters thanked his innovative visitors from the past but hinted not so subtly that they had better depart. The writers obliged--ruefully--and boarded the time machine that flashed psychedelic and (dare I say) faintly phantasmagorical beams of light before vanishing in a puff of smoke.
When band-mates David Gilmour, Richard Wright, and Nick Mason returned from their lengthy lunch-break, waving away dense clouds with cheeky grins and commenting on the peculiar odor of Waters' strand of marijuana, they were told to never mind such distractions and report at once to their instruments, for their chief songwriter had made a breakthrough.
As evidenced by much of Floyd's canonized output from the '70s, Waters never forgot that unlikely meeting, and from it he extracted memories whenever he got stuck in his effort to pen a new number. The aforementioned event was freshest in his mind, naturally, when his band recorded Dark Side of the Moon.
Saw it on Behind the Music.
Footnotes interlude:
* Actually, I read in a Pink Floyd biography that Waters didn't care much for pot. That's the only phony part of the story, by the way. (Sigh.) OK, it was all bullshit, but let's be honest: the world doesn't really need another dude who toked-up quite a bit in college raving about "Time" and "Money."
Suspenseful buildup to the top-five that could inadvertently make you stop wanting to read altogether:
The trouble with epitaphs on tombstones is that one can never fully ensure that his outgoing message will be etched faithfully. I could offer no earthly protests, naturally, if that fateful chisel should fall into the hands of someone who wants me remembered as, “A guy who bitched about Phish too much.” It should be stated that I'd very much prefer the following as a parting message exchanged from my burial mark to the lifeforms of the future—until a worthy upgrade occurs to me, at least—and it goes like this: “With fuck-yous to further ados...”
That's an obscene way of stating that my interest in suspenseful wondering and silly distractions has been exhausted, and that—more so than merely the end—I'd like nothing more than to get to the answer.
5.Beastie Boys—Check Your Head (1992): “So What'cha Want?” functions as more than just the most recognizable track from Check Your Head. It also serves as a brash challenge to doubters whack enough to question the versatility of the 3 most bad-ass Trekkies on the planet. You want thumping beats and bass pulsing beneath slick and self-assured rhymes? (“Jimmy James,” “The Maestro”.) Instrumentals that exude funky grooves and prove that white boys know how to honor the likes of George Clinton and Curtis Mayfield? (“POW,” “In 3's”.) Let's switch gears. How about rowdy and infectious skate-punk? (“Time for Livin'” and “Gratitude”.) Mystical and exotic-sounding slow-jams? (“Lighten Up,” “NamestĂ©”.) Are you in the mood for delightfully schizophrenic samples that seem incompatible until DJ Hurricane gets his mitts on the records? (“Stand Together,” “Professor Booty”.) Haters and sucka MCs, seriously, So What'cha Want? Adrock, Mike D., and MCA can deliver just about anything to shut you up.
The Beasties' dynamic range is the chief reason why they're “as cool as a cucumber in a bowl of hot sauce.” It has indeed been proven that the trio love to see the party people just movin'--regardless of whether such harmony occurs at a sold-out Madison Square Garden, or a dank basement in Brooklyn, or at a concert to protest the Chinese government's senseless brutality against the people of Tibet.
And sure, appearing as un-lockable players in NBA Jam is a fine way to boost one's level of coolness, too. While it's true that such a 16-bit cameo failed to stylize Al Gore so soundly, come on—don't shit yourselves: that stilted sayer of inconvenient truths is never going to “rock a block party 'til your hair turns gray.”
4.The Clash—London Calling (1979): My main issue with punk-rock is that I think its spirit—while feisty and independent—can prohibit musicians from fulfilling their peak potential. Two-minute outbursts of three-chord aggression can provide great catharsis for teenagers in the early stages of learning a fun craft, but after high school, it is wise to stretch out a bit more and seek creative challenges that punk-rock does not always present. Such ambitions are sometimes misconstrued as traitorous and soft by punk-elitists who favor exile in Never-Never Land.
The Clash paid no mind to that prospect of backlash from their peers. If the paramount purpose of punk-rock is to express oneself without caring about the commonly unkind judgments of others, then it follows that its truest followers should have no qualms with expanding beyond the genre's boundaries. No other band understood this catch-22 as soundly as the Clash did.
The band's aim was not to subvert the style they helped to found, however. Many tracks from London Calling bare a resemblance to the brash and straightforward vigor of their debut album. The title track is a mid-tempo march from the toxic shadow of “a nuclear error.” Both apocalyptic and galvanizing, the opener's simple structure yields a doomsday anthem worth treasuring. “Brand New Cadillac” puts a profane and sloppy spin on a rockabilly hit from the '50s. “Hateful” finds levity in the plight of a frantic drug-addict, but pauses to mourn in its concise breakdowns.
I won't kid myself, though. The not-so-punk portions of London Calling account for most of its mastery. New wave balladry is covered on “Lost in the Supermarket,” a lament of the steady replacement of people with consumers that does its part to exalt the partnership of Joe Strummer and Mick Jones to the upper echelon of songwriting duos. With celebratory toots from The Irish Horns, “Rudie Can't Fail” is a ska romp that redeems an irresponsible but idealistic crumb-bum who “drinks booze for breakfast” and “can't live in service.” “Train in Vain” is quite content in its sonic welding of David Bowie and the Beatles. The album's closer packs power-pop abounding with melody and love gone sour.
London Calling and the Clash are easily my favorite punk-band and album, resp., precisely because neither fear to tread outside of the style's rigid parameters. Punk never kept the Clash under its grimy thumb; it was the other way around.
3.The Beatles—the white album (1968): A fun exercise in inciting fidgets in a Beatles fanatic is to ask them to name their favorite album by the group. Inevitably, a handful of candidates will emerge from their quavering lips. They will contemplate and stammer, overcome by awe mixed with consternation. I'm not much different, but at least I have come to a decision—debatable though it may be. It's the one that simply boasts the most great songs: the white album.
True enough, the white album is of the double variety, includes a total of 30 tracks—which is hardly economical—and features two bona fide Fab Four abominations, namely “Revolution #9” and “Good Night.” In regard to the bigger picture, however, such concessions prove that the Beatles were at times victims of their own excellence. 28 tracks that range from solid to exceptional--delivered without much delay between Sgt. Pepper and Abbey Road—leaves nothing to quibble about, and furthermore, the album's first-half alone rivals every other record in their staggering catalog.*
By 1968, turmoil within the band was starting to surface. John had officially been Yoko'd, and his partnership with Paul was functioning more and more in name only as the two were inclined to sojourn on separate holidays to different recording booths. By no stretch of the imagination did listeners suffer from the erosion of the tag-team that gave way to a one-on-one rivalry. On the acoustic ode “Blackbird,” Paul serenely tends to a wounded animal, mends its broken wings, and sets it free with a friendly challenge to make the most out of its rejuvenated life. Not to be outdone, John bemoans two lovers in limbo on a sleepless and tortuous night on “I'm So Tired.” Paul gathers us around a desert campfire for a Western ballad about “Rocky Raccoon,” a tragic figure demised by hubris. John counters that fictitious plight of an individual with “Revolution 1,” a slow-groove overview of the strife of the world-at-large that replies to widespread chaos with the promise, “Don't you know it's gonna be all right?”
The white album can't be reduced to a John and Paul showdown, though, as George contributes the soulful and forlorn personification found in “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” (with a little help from his friend Eric Clapton). Even Ringo—yes, RINGO—delivers his finest offering as a rare front-man on “Don't Pass Me By,” a wobbly yet melodic jaunt packed with the penitence and faith that blokes must so routinely express to their mistreated and sensitive birds.
Another gross reduction of the white album is to claim that it's a compilation of four solo projects. Pure bullocks. “Back in the USSR” is an airborne travel anthem that nods to Beach Boyish harmonies and adoration of babes worldwide. Its thumping piano twinkles and six-stringed shock-waves rock with timeless fervor. The ethereal rising action of “Dear Prudence” boasts psychedelic stings and resolute beats. Aside from somehow inspiring malice in a creepy cult-leader, “Helter Skelter” is as a four-piece onslaught that marks the closest the Beatles ever got to Black Sabbath.
On the cusp of “The End,” where their epitaph read “Let It Be,” the Beatles' most telling track on the white album is perhaps found in the jovial piano-romp of “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da,” when fussy fanatics are assured that even though All Things Must Pass, “Life goes on, brah.”
2. Radiohead—OK Computer (1997): Thom Yorke is a malcontent. OK Computer opens with the ominous guitar wails of “Airbag,” an entrancing narrative about a car-crash survivor who feels both revived and nonplussed by his brush with death. Later, we gather that not even the heroic salvation Yorke's girlfriend grants him on “Lucky” can make him feel fitter or happier. Still, no front-man since Kurt Cobain has been more productive in his transformation of gloom and neurosis into catharsis.
Radiohead's critically worshiped third album offers a few glimpses of levity, too. In “The Tourist,” the group satirizes frenetic travelers too busy snapping photos to truly absorb the scenery as a means to express a common theme of OKC: our forfeiting of visceral sensations to technology. (Ha, ha...ha?!?!) Amidst laser beam chirps and serene keyboard tones, Yorke muses about how misguided and uptight humanity must seem to intelligent life on other planets. (“High up above, aliens hover/ Making home-movies for the folks back home/ Of all these weird creatures who lock up their spirits/ Drill holes and themselves, and live for their secrets.”)
It is, however, the album's disaffection that resonates the strongest. Whether it be the paranoia of persecution waged by the “Karma Police” or the suspicion of politicians who “say the right things when Electioneering” in their quest for power rather than progress, the Oxford scholars realize plenty of reasons to feel “Let Down.”
Let down, indeed, but nonetheless hanging around—as evidenced by another decade-plus of acclaimed music. With no offense intended to subsequent tracks like “Idioteque” or “There There,” I have an unwavering hunch that “Paranoid Android” still stands as the band's most stunning song. Spanning nearly six-and-a-half minutes, OKC's lead single seems to emerge from thick mist like the foreshadowing in a nightmare, lashes out with gallows-humor, and then culminates with a blitz of triple-guitar mayhem.
“Ambition makes you look pretty ugly,” Yorke declares at one point—and perhaps that's true—but the sad adages he unearths are still preferable to the “handshake with carbon monoxide” that he contemplates but overcomes in “No Surprises.” Rather than deluding their listeners with escape from life's troubles, Radiohead aim to recreate and redeem the spooky notes owed of life's grim inevitabilities.
1.Beck—Odelay (1996): With a precise blend of samples and a hodgepodge of sounds courtesy of a multi-instrumentalist with a mono-syllabic moniker, Beck presents an odyssey of styles on Odelay, a masterpiece of party-friendly poignancy.
“Where It's At” showcases the far-reaching yet minimalist powers of one astronautical cowboy with two turntables and a microphone at his disposal. “Hotwax” discovers a compatible landscape of country-western storytelling, sweetly flowing rhymes, and otherworldly scribbles and cuts of records. On “Jack-ass,” Mr. Hansen does away with ironic witticisms and pop-culture savvy to express his most sincere existential ballad to date. (“I've been drifting along in the same stale shoes/ Loose ends tying a noose in the back of my mind/ If you thought that you were making your way/ To where the puzzles and pagans lay/ Put it together, it's a strange invitation.” Word. For penning such an apt and dreary summation of my life, what can I say other than...thanks??) With a groove that tips its hat to the Beatles' “Taxman,” “The New Pollution” brings to mind the neon luster of casinos and strip-clubs viewed in the rearview mirror of a smoke-filled Cadillac headed toward desert-exile outside of Vegas. Powered by alt-rock angst, and a raucous riff that serves as Beck's definitive ode to head-banging, “Devil's Haircut” is a cryptic yet vivid denouncement of “the evil of vanity” (as the man himself puts it).
For his treatment of the recording studio as a playground and his knack for snatching choice-phrases from both grab-bags and his own brilliant mind, Beck is my favorite musician and this is my favorite of his albums. He has to offer a prolific catalog of zany Zen that I truly hope has nothing to do with Scientology.
We're finished?!
Yup. We're finished. Remember the intro about epitaphs?! Well, here's the epitaph to “Favorite Albums”: “Titanic fare-thee-wells, my eyes are turning pink/ Don't call us when the new age gets old enough to drink.”
That's a Beck lyric. Really, he's the one Scientologist you'd ever want to strike up a conversation with at a party. I cannot express enough glowing praise for Beck (despite his belief that a Science-Fiction writer known for fraud, paranoid schizophrenia, and cultism somehow has more spiritual merit than Jesus, Allah, and Buddha).
Footnotes postlude:
* If rock music interests you, please consider that three-album run once more: Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, the white album, and Abbey Road. And that period only marked about a quarter of their total output. Every conversation with a Beatles-hater should go like this:
"I can't wait 'til all four Beatles are dead. They sucked."
"Yeah? What do you listen to?"
"Punk, mostly. Sex Pistols, Misfits, Screeching..."
"Stop right there. I can't handle the talent vs. lack-of-talent debate right now. It's like shoving past Aaron Rodgers to get an autograph from his backup."
Labels:
Beastie Boys,
Beck,
Radiohead,
the Beatles,
The Clash
Monday, June 17, 2013
The Cat Lady and the Munsons
1.) The Cat Lady
You might not have grown up in the same neighborhood as a Cat Lady, but in all likelihood, one of the neighborhoods next to yours had a Cat Lady. That was the case with me. I had to bike five blocks to my friend Willy's house to get a load of the Cat Lady on Adderley Street. Neighborhoods, like thermostats, so often change one degree at a time. And that single degree that separated Willy's neighborhood from mine permitted a habitat for an old woman whose ramshackle house was swarming with cats.
The Cat Lady (I never got her real name) lived across the street from Willy. One day we asked Willy's mom if there was a Cat Man in the picture for this Cat Lady, and she replied that, to her knowledge, the Cat Lady had never married. She had been willed a large sum of money, so the story went, but she spent it sparingly.
Willy's mom was one to adorn ceramic plates and coffee cups with phrases such as “Blessed are the meek.” She was an artist who made enough to get by and co-provide, along with her husband. She never begrudged the Cat Lady. Some of her neighbors felt otherwise; they instilled some anti-Cat Lady sentiments in their children. Rex Munson from across the street used to complain about her. Like all the Munsons, he was incensed by the Cat Lady's indifference to the fortune she supposedly had.
We'd put a game of catch on hold and gape at the lonesome Cat Lady as she lurched and labored toward the bus stop. On one such occasion, Rex slugged the football with his fist.
“That lucky old bag...” he griped, shaking his head and coveting.
I was too young to appreciate the humor.
We watched her shamble around the corner, out of view. Then something strange and magnetic happened: The six of us were compelled to gather in a huddle. Those among us were either summoned or summoning. The effect was the same. To children on the brink of puberty, there is no human-noise more compelling than: “Psssssssstt.”
It was agreed upon that we should take a look inside the Cat Lady's home while she was away. We reasoned we'd be exploring rather than breaking and entering.
To add some intrigue and suspense to the mission, we slunk past her house and followed the gravel driveway to her garage. It was a small structure composed of worn and peeled siding. The door was chained shut by a Master-lock. We crept around to a window that was bug-ridden and sheeted in dust. One by one we peered in. When it was my turn, I strained my eyes and made out the shadowy form of a bed.
“She lives in there now,” Willy explained. “The cats took over her house.”
I reeled, shook my head, and cupped my hands against the glass again. Sure enough, there was a kerosene heater inside. I considered the nights of bitter cold that would eventually come, shivered at the thought of how she must survive the winter: surrounded by that worn and peeled siding, beside a smelly fire, hidden beneath a mound of blankets, for five months. Alone.
It was too much. I jerked my head away, toward daylight and friends. Despite the pleasant weather, I was still shivering. When it came time to ascend the rickety steps into the Cat Lady's back entryway, I felt conflicted. Rex turned the knob and cracked a Grinch-like smile, for the door was unlocked. My guts sunk heavily. I kept my mouth shut and considered aborting the mission.
“Last one in's a chicken-shit,” Rex declared.
The matter was settled for me, but two others expressed their misgivings and opted out. Tyler feared his father's wrath should we get caught; he seemed to have horrid visions every time he blinked. Lucas cited religious reasons that still remain unclear. Willy's little brother Calvin fussed with his jean shorts and tangled with trepidation. Our gazes met for a second and I gave him a quick, understanding nod.
Rex shoved against the door until a barrier of trash yielded enough room for passage. He slithered inside, followed by Willy. I was next, dreading all the germs but pushing forward, anyway—and that made Calvin the De facto “chicken-shit.”
“Hey! At least I'm doin' this,” he called out.
Tyler and Lucas fled to the latter's home for lemonade and Super Nintendo. The rest of us were determined to snoop around. We sought answers from this spinster who'd left civilization without so much as murmuring goodbye. How did she succumb to this cat uprising? We searched for clues left behind by this ghost who somehow lived among us.
The closest I ever got to walking on the moon was walking atop the rubbish in the Cat Lady's house. The stench notwithstanding, the sheer elevation of the garbage made me queasy—and Neil Armstrong had no equivalent to the surreal feeling I had as I climbed the trashy summit into the kitchen. During our tour, we leaped from one flimsy plank of cardboard to another—landing-spots that must have been strategically placed by the Cat Lady herself. (Years later this strikes me as a pretty ambitious move for a shut-in: to even bother laying down a big piece of cardboard here and there to plateau the heap of squalor you've amassed in your own home.) Feral cats with coats like defiled carpet-samples hissed at us as they backpedaled. Countless trash bags spewed their contents: shards of Coke bottles and light-bulbs, mold-consumed bread, soiled rags and tissues once coated in fluids that had long-since hardened, coffee-filters splattered and laden like neglected diapers, newspapers from decades ago and yellowed mail that had decidedly become the junk kind. Clothing that would never be worn again was strewn everywhere, and so were impotent cans of Pledge and Lysol.
In the living room we gaped at grime-encrusted knickknacks of fishermen and sad clowns. I spotted crushed games of Life and Sorry and an antique vacuum lying kaput in the corner. Its rubbery bag was bloated. Its chrome had been reduced to tiny dots amidst all the rust. We surveyed the end of the world and its dearth of redemption. We breathed fitfully through our mouths and gagged our noses as we pointed and hooted at the cat droppings littered throughout.
We marveled at all the crap until we got bored.
“Let's get the shit out of here.”
That was Rex again. He cussed more than the rest of combined, and though he may very well never amount to much, to this day I give him credit for that suggestion.
As I've mentioned, he belonged to the Munson clan. They were not exactly known for breakthrough moments in wisdom.
2.) The Munsons
White Kids Dunking...
^Spud Webb, a black man dunking.^
Rex was a participant in the Slam Dunk Contests we had during those summers in the mid-'90s. The events were held on a modest slab of concrete in Willy/ Calvin's backyard. The hoop was adjustable, and so we lowered it to a height of about 8 feet, for slam-dunking purposes. To that same end, we procured two mini-basketballs that were easily palmed.
Our slam dunk excitement was brought on by ideal circumstances. The best player at the time, Michael Jordan, was also a sensational dunker. Ho-hum dunkers like Bird and Magic had retired from the NBA. They gave way to a new breed of high-flying freaks whose M.O.'s were posterizing chumps and then losing to MJ's Bulls in the playoffs. Finally, the sprites in NBA Jam paired superhuman leaps with a tempo that catered to our Mountain Dew dependencies.
In retrospect, few things are sillier than prepubescent white kids charging a hoop and exclaiming in the high-pitch of Mickey Mouse. “Clyde Drexler!” “Shawn Kemp!” “Spud Webb!”
More Stories, and Additional Stories is the name of that eBook.
Labels:
Cats,
Hi-C,
NBA,
NBA Jam,
recluses,
Shawn Kemp,
shut-ins,
Spud Webb,
TLC,
Trailer Park Boys,
Whiffle Ball,
X-Men
Friday, June 7, 2013
Salinger Tells the Truth
(This story happens in 2003.)
The sun is bowing behind the steep walls of commerce that line State Street in Madison. A man dressed in shabby clothing explores the sidewalk frantically, crawling on all fours. His name is Jeffrey Salinger. He has been blathering for hours with his nose close to the pavement. His bizarre behavior tends to redirect timid pedestrians to the other side of the road, where a grimy man named Kickbush flashes a stained-teeth smile through a store window.
“I could see all the way to Australia if it wasn't for this damn sidewalk!”
Salinger pounds his fist against the pavement. He goes on.
“Sacrilegious didjeri-douche-bags got the nerve to celebrate Christmas during the summer. Why do the construction workers even build these obstructions? What are the Ausies hiding in their kangaroo pouches?”
He suddenly stops fidgeting. His eyes seem to hatch an epiphany. Meanwhile, a stray terrier approaches Salinger, sniffing inquisitively.
“Wait. Construction workers post orange signs that read 'Men at Work.' Men at Work—an '80s pop group...from Australia. It all makes sense now. I've got to warn somebody!”
Startled by this outcry, the terrier yelps in Salinger's face. The dog is promptly slapped across the snout.
“Not while I'm conspiring!” Salinger barks.
The terrier's skittish demeanor turns stoic as he slowly wipes his wounded nose, gazes down at the fresh blood on his paw, and then pivots his head left to right, glaring intensely.
Just then a battery-powered alarm clock sounds-off wildly, not far from Salinger and the terrier. The time is five o'clock. The clamor frightens the dog into a dead sprint down the block. Salinger rises to his feet and dusts off his gashed green pants.
“Wow! Thanks for the tremendous performance,” he calls to the departing terrier. “That was intense; I'm talking rabid Old Yeller intense.”
Across the street, Kickbush leaves his post behind the counter of his gun shop, called AK-47 Heaven, and waddles over to greet Salinger.
“Helluva job, son. You've earned your peanuts today. Heh!”
“Thanks, Colonel Kickbush. Listen, I'd love to chat—“
“Really? 'Cause I've been awful lonesome since the wife left me and I shot that smart-ass parakeet. Thought it was hot shit 'cause it could recite the whole alphabet...”
“No. I mean to say, although I'd love to chat, I can't do it, because I really should be leaving soon. I was so low on gas I had to take the bus this morning.”
“Oh. Well...say no more.”
Kickbush reaches his stubby fingers into his pants pocket, struggling every inch in the tight slit between his flabby thighs and faded jeans. In time he extracts his thick leather wallet with a determined grunt.
“Phew,” Kickbush laughs. “Must be what it's like to give birth.”
Salinger chuckles politely. Kickbush opens his wallet and thumbs through the bills.
“You know, Sali, since you crazied-up this side of the street, my business has increased by 30-percent.”
“30-percent? Huh. That's impressive.”
“Yup. You got to understand, this is America. Sheer whim is the fifth most common reason people buy guns.”
“Yeah?”
“Sure. Number one is for protection, followed by hunting, and then blind hatred of foreigners at number three.”
“What's the fourth reason?”
“It's, um...compensation for a small penis,” Kickbush says tentatively.
Salinger nods calmly while his counterpart fidgets and scratches his thinning hair.
“Any-hoo, back to sheer whim,” Kickbush says. “Here's the scenario: Mr. And Mrs. Consumer are window-shopping on State Street when suddenly they're confronted by some poor, hopeless basket-case—that's you—so they flee across the street, catch a glimpse of something deadly and shiny through the front window, they have a quick fantasy about killin' a deranged yahoo like you, and rat-ta-tat-tat, I'm up three-hundred bones.”
“Nice,” Salinger says, rather quietly. “Well, I just hope the places on this side of the street aren't hurt too badly.”
“Bah. To hell with these soulless money-grubbers. We're doing society a favor by hurting their business.”
Salinger turns around and gazes morosely at the sign displayed above the nearest building. It reads: The Boys & Girls Club.
“Well, I don't know about soulless money-grubbers...”
“Hey, don't kid yourself,” Kickbush says. “You ever see one of those little bastards beg for quarters to play an arcade game at a pizza party? Next thing you know, they're pining for GI Joe's and flu shots. And guess who pays for that.”
With a righteous grunt, he finally hands Salinger a sweaty wad of cash.
“But hell...” Kickbush continues, “Maybe they're not all bad. I slipped you something extra for that daughter of yours. To be pissed away on eyeliner and blush, no doubt. Heh.”
“Na, I doubt it. She's only seven.”
“Well, hell, my girl wore that gunk at about that age, and she turned out just fine.”
He reaches for a magazine tucked between his ass and blue jeans and displays it for Salinger.
“Matter of fact, she's featured in her daddy's favorite mag, The Right to Bare Arms and Cleavage. She's pointing a .44 magnum at a burning Mexican flag and she's got a grenade danglin' from her tittie-cup. Very tasteful. Makes for good oglin' material on the bus.”
He offers the magazine to Salinger, who declines. Salinger starts to walk away.
“No thanks. Now, I really should be going.”
“Yeah, I hear ya. Those public-transit fascists are really cracking down with their anti-fondling laws and whatnot...” Kickbush laments.
“So long,” Salinger calls, jogging off.
He runs for the nearest bus stop. Along the way, he passes a shabbily dressed man licking a lamp post and pondering its flavor. Salinger shakes his head, disapproving.
“Amateur,” he mutters, not breaking stride.
____
A green neon sign that reads Pipefitter's hums just beneath the bedroom window of Emily Salinger. Two neon pot leaves flank the bright sign. Salinger is in the midst of tucking his daughter into bed, but he is distracted by an unrelenting and obnoxious knock on the wooden door below. Agitated, he pries open the window at the foot of Emily's bed.
“Come on! Open up,” a voice pleads.
The plea is coming from a bearded man wearing a tube top cop outfit.
Salinger is momentarily puzzled, but he soon processes the situation.
“Read the sign!”
“Sign? What sign?” the bearded man asks.
He is nudged by his friend, a bald man wearing a black leather leotard, who points to a sign in the first-floor window. It reads: Not to be confused with the nearby gay bar of the same name.
“Whoopsy,” the tube top cop says.
“Yeah, sorry, our mistake!” his friend calls up.
Salinger shrugs, indicating that the apology has been accepted.
As the two men walk away, the tube top cop says to his friend:
“Well, I guess that explains the pot leaves.”
Salinger closes the window and hangs a stray blanket in place of an actual curtain.
“That's better. Sorry about that,” he says.
Emily shrugs.
“It wasn't your fault.”
He smirks complacently. It's a tamer version of the more dashing smirk found on a poster above the headboard of Emily's bed. It's a movie poster of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Salinger's face is superimposed on Harrison Ford's body.
“Tell me another one,” she says.
Salinger grins slightly, but shakes his head no.
“Sorry, Em. No can do. It's past ten and you've got school in the morning.”
“Who cares? We take two naps before lunch, anyway. Just one more. Pleeeaaassseee.”
She giggles and thumps giddily on the springs of her mattress. Salinger reconsiders.
“All right, all right,” he says with a pretense of exhaustion, “Just one more and then it's lights out.”
His daughter claps her hands with the quickness of a butterfly flapping its wings. She leans forward with anticipation.
“Okay, let's see...Let me think. Um...Pat Sajack,” he says at last, snapping his fingers.
“The Wheel of Fortune guy is gay? Get out!”
Emily gasps and clutches her stuffed Sponge-Bob toy against her chest.
Salinger nods, smirking like a man who knows all, pleased to see the wide-eyed wonderment in his daughter's eyes.
“Wow, I guess I had a hunch about him, but...Hey, what about the new host of The Family Feud? Is he gay?”
“You'll have to wait until tomorrow night for the answer to that question.”
She groans and plops the back of her head onto the pillow.
“It's a simple yes or no question, daddy. It would only take two seconds to answer. Five seconds if you wanted to make it suspenseful.”
“Well, I've got to be to bed in less than two seconds. Daddy's got to be on the set by nine tomorrow morning.”
“When can I finally see one of your movies?”
Inches from her face, Salinger freezes.
“Well,” he says, gathering himself, “Daddy's movies are mostly R-rated and therefore unsuitable for girls your age.”
“You can't shelter me from violence forever; I go to a public school.”
Salinger scratches his right side-burn nervously.
“Well, in addition to that, there's also adult situations and some nudity.”
Emily opens her mouth to speak, but her father interjects.
“Please. Don't say anything. Good night, sweetie.”
He kisses her forehead and hurries out of her bedroom. On his way out he turns off the light switch.
In the cramped hallway now, Salinger hears the telephone ring. Unable to locate the receiver, Salinger digs through a laundry basket and removes every cushion from the couch before finding it hidden behind a yellow recliner. He picks off a hairy wad of taffy from the earpiece and then answers the phone on the ninth ring.
“Hello?”
He sniffs the wad of taffy, cringes, and tosses it over his shoulder.
A German-accented voice lets out a groan.
“Nine rings, Salinger. Nine fucking rings. I suggest you keep your telephone atop your rolling papers so you never forget its location.”
“Who is this?”
“Promptness never was one of your more commendable attributes. Your lack of promptness tested my patience moments ago, and your lack of promptness for the Renegade audition nearly cost you a role on the show all those years ago. Instead, it was my superior acting skills that cost you the and...subsequently buried your fledgling career.”
Salinger's brow furrows. He quickly shakes his head in disbelief.
“Sven Brinkerhaus?”
“Yes. This is the part where I would ordinarily clap my hands slowly, with haughty ridicule, but unfortunately, my hands are currently busy caressing your ex-fiancĂ©'s firm buttocks.”
“How...how did you find me?”
“Well, if you must know, Jeffrey, I found you through mere happenstance. In hope of rekindling my transcendent collaboration with Renegade leading man Lorenzo Llamas, I sought to determine his whereabouts. I learned from VH1's Where Are They Now? program that he now resides in Madison. It seems he's working on behalf of a powerful Christian Conservative group, masquerading as a crazy street person in front of a gay bar in order hinder their lascivious business...”
Meanwhile, not far from Salinger's apartment, a din of boisterous hollering, as well as Queen's “Crazy Little Thing Called Love,” emanate from a brick building. The pink neon sign on the side of the building reads “Pipefitter's.” Two pink neon pipes bookend the sign. Near the entrance, a muscular man with a long brown ponytail, clad in torn-jeans and a stained t-shirt, half-heartedly heckles a man in a phony cop uniform.
“Dude,” Lorenzo says, “I'm, like, totally hearing the voice of Jesus in my head right now. He's telling me that you're all going to hell. Is that crazy or what?”
Paying no mind to this homophobe for hire, the gay man enters the bar. Lorenzo hangs his head, stung by his failure.
“Bummer.”
Lorenzo is nudged by a teenager with stumpy dreadlocks wearing a Phish t-shirt.
“Hey bro, these guys sell killer bongs, right?”
“Read the sign.”
With that said, Lorenzo turns his attention to another one of Pipefitter's potential patrons. In vain he tries to convey a voodoo hex by wiggling his fingers at the man, encircling him with bouncy limberness as he does so.
The stoner reads the sign and mutters something to his friend as the two depart.
“Oh. That explains the dick-shaped, pink neon pipes, I guess.”
Back in Salinger's apartment, Brinkerhaus continues his haughty rambling on the other end of the phone line.
“...So I packed my luggage for Madison in search of the wayward yin to my yang. But when I arrived at the wrong Pipefitter's establishment, well, I stumbled across your address.”
Salinger clutches and yanks his shaggy brown hair.
“You sick bastard! You know where I live?”
His ear pressed tensely against the receiver, Salinger hears a dismissive snort from Brinkerhaus.
“Jeffrey, your anxiety is excessive. You've mistaken my Colonel Klink rancor with the hateful villainy of Mein Fuhrer. Rest assured, your daughter is in no peril. I merely wish to destroy your pitiful career...for a second time.”
Salinger recalls what caused the vendetta this crazy man from the past is clinging to.
“You're still pissed about that Baywatch audition, aren't you?”
“A neophyte such as you had no business acting alongside of Herr Hasselhoff!”
“Jesus. I said two lines, left the beach and found out my girlfriend was pregnant, and had to move back home. It's finished. My life still fell apart, okay? Okay?!”
After seconds of tense silence, Salinger raises his voice.
“Brinkerhaus?”
There is no reply. It becomes evident that Brinkerhaus has hung up the phone. This does nothing to subdue the flabbergasted ire of Jeffrey Salinger.
“Brinkerhaus? You pretentious freak. Answer me, Goddammit! Brinkerhaus? Brinkerhaus?!”
“Daddy! What are you screaming for?”
Emily stands at the threshold of her bedroom, frowning and rubbing her eyes.
With beads of sweat running down his crimson-colored forehead, a flustered Salinger forces an unconvincing smile.
“Oh. Hi, Em. I was just...singing 'Brick House,' that old Commodores tune...” He glances at the phone in his trembling hand and continues. “...To the, uh, telemarketer. Look—it's not important. Just go back to bed, sweetie. I'll be quiet.”
With grave disapproval, Emily shakes her head and shuts her bedroom door. Her father collapses onto the nearest couch, his chest heaving, his nerves badly jangled.
____
Salinger's rust-spotted yellow Mazda rolls into the parking lot behind AK-47 Heaven. Salinger parks behind his boss' pickup truck. He exits the vehicle and squints in the harsh morning light. His car is still trembling and rattling as he slips in through the back door.
Once inside, he is horrified to see Kickbush behind the counter with a .38 caliber handgun pointed at his face, his hands quivering tensely.
“No, Colonel,” Salinger pleads, “You've go so much to live for!”
Kickbush swiftly turns toward his employee, revealing the cigar jutting from the right corner of his mouth. He squeezes the trigger and lights his stogie with the novelty lighter.
“Don't get your panties in a bunch, Sali. I ain't suicidal, but I'm so irate I'm on my third cigar of the morning.”
With that he sets down the gun-shaped lighter on the glass counter-top next to two virtually identical firearms. Salinger sighs with great relief.
“Irate? What about?”
Kickbush picks up a gun from off the counter-top and and motions toward the front window with it.
“Take a look outside, numb-nuts.”
Salinger eyes his employer suspiciously, then walks toward the window. He cups his eyes against the glass and sees a man wearing a fake beard, sandals, and a pristine white robe. The man is pestering pedestrians in front of AK-47 Heaven, redirecting them to the other side of the street. He spreads his arms wide and addresses the passersby with an air of haughty righteousness.
“My children, I have returned as I promised not to judge the living and the dead, but rather to declare Scientology the Earth's one true religion.”
Salinger pounds his open palm against the window.
“Brinkerhaus, you bastard! Showing up an hour early just to upstage me. You conniving...DĂĽssel-dork!”
“He wasn't an hour early. You're an hour late. Last night was daylight savings time, shit-for-brains.”
Salinger puckers his lips tightly and taps his fingers deliberately against the glass.
“Oh,” he says finally.
“Is that all you've got to say? Sali, we've fallen behind in the battle of crazy bums. The Boys and Girls Club is breaking my balls, and you're an hour late. Now get the hell out of my sight and do your job. And I hope to Christ you can come up with lines that are better than 'Dussel-dork'!”
Flustered and mortified, Salinger gazes down at his attire: A standard hobo getup, devoid of the essential pizzazz when compared to a phony Jesus. For today, he knows he'll need a more shocking and outlandish outfit. Thinking hastily, he notices a newspaper folded next to an array of guns on the glass counter-top. With an idea in mind, he snatches the newspaper on his way to the bathroom.
“I'll be back in five minutes,” he says.
“Hey, I still haven't read today's Marmaduke, motherfucker!”
Kickbush's uproar is to no avail, however; Salinger has already locked himself in the bathroom.
Kickbush impatiently snuffs out his cigar on the glass display case, even though it is merely halfway smoked. He perches a fresh one between his lips. Gazing down at the trio of identical .38s, he struggles to recall which one is the novelty lighter. With a shrug, he resorts to eany-meany-miney-mo and selects the randomly designated gun. Holding it underneath the tip of his fresh cigar, he squeezes the trigger.
BLAM! A smoking hole is blown through the ceiling of AK-47 Heaven.
Awestruck and unscathed, he sets the gun off to the side and chuckles softly. He then places a new cigar between his lips and plays the same game of chance with the two remaining guns...
____
Clad in nothing but a newspaper make-shifted into a diaper, Salinger confidently emerges from AK-47 Heaven. With the front door still ajar, Kickbush calls to his departing employee.
“I don't care if the funny pages come back stained with skid-marks. You best return that newspaper so I can read today's Marmaduke!”
Salinger waves his hand dismissively and embarks toward his post across the street. As he walks past Brinkerhaus—somehow resisting the urge to pummel the man into a lifeless mound of blood-oozing flesh—his gaudy outfit gets acknowledgment from his rival.
“Well-played, Jeffrey,” Brinkerhaus says, temporarily breaking character.
An easily duped pedestrian who is bowing piously before at the feet of Brinkerhaus rises to one knee to protest.
“Hey! Jesus didn't speak with no German accent! Well, that does it. I'm gonna buy me a gun.”
The man scowls at Brinkerhaus—a despicable impersonator of Christ—and enters AK-47 Heaven. Brinkerhaus shakes his fist furiously at Salinger and curses in a fit of German gibberish. With considerable resolve, he gets back into character.
On the opposite sidewalk, Salinger is poised for meddling. He confronts a middle-aged woman wearing an American flag t-shirt just before she enters the Boys and Girls Club.
“Excuse me, ma'am, could you please tell me how my stocks are doing?”
Salinger turns around and points to the backside of his newspaper diaper.
The dismayed woman slinks away from the entrance to the Boys and Girls Club.
“Why, you revolting...pervert! Well, my daughter can just walk home,” she says, stomping away with her arms crossed.
Moments later, an attractive young couple approaches Salinger. Perhaps by accident, perhaps drawn by chaos, they hazard to make eye contact with him. Salinger doesn't waste the opportunity.
“Oh, boy,” he says nervously, “I sure hope that's just ink running down the back of my leg...”
The beautiful woman gags with squeamish reproach as her thick-armed boyfriend escorts her forcefully across the street.
“That shit is not acceptable, bro!” the man admonishes, pointing his finger at Salinger.
“Who said it was definitely shit?” Salinger calls. “It might still be ink; I'm not sure. Maybe this guy can tell the difference.”
He pounces on another pedestrian coming his way. Sensing danger or at the very least discomfort, the man darts across the street, petrified by the idea of making eye contact with this lunatic wearing a newspaper for a diaper. Salinger's satisfied gaze follows his latest victim to the opposing sidewalk. To his surprise, Brinkerhaus is no longer prowling the area in front of AK-47 Heaven. He scans the long stretch of sidewalk and eventually spots Brinkerhaus cowering low inside a telephone booth three or four buildings down from the gun shop across the street. Salinger grins widely.
“Damn, I'm good.”
Just then a stern voice announces its presence behind him.
“Sir, would you please turn around?”
His moment of triumph chased away by a cold sweat, Salinger obliges. Just as he feared, the stern voice belongs to a cop. The officer eyes him reproachfully and quickly licks his lips.
“Identification?” he asks, extending his right hand.
Stupefied and woeful, Salinger idly pats his newspaper diaper before shaking his head no.
“Officer, I know this looks bad. But if you'd just give me a chance--”
“Sir, you're in violation of the city of Madison's indecent exposure ordinance. This offense counts as a misdemeanor--” at this point the cop becomes preoccupied with a relentless knocking on the window of the Boys and Girls Club. Salinger notices it, too, but he is too humiliated to gaze over his shoulder. “A misdemeanor that includes a significant fine of up to four-hundred dollars.”
The rapping on the window continues.
“In fact, without identification, I may need to—oh, no, not that. Don't start crying!”
Although he is utterly crestfallen, Salinger isn't crying.
“Beg your pardon, officer?”
The cop points aggressively at the source of his distress. Salinger turns around and sees a girl his daughter's age in tears through the window of the Boys and Girls Club. She wipes the snot from her cute button nose and smiles weakly at Salinger.
The cop sighs deeply and then scratches his crew-cut deliberately.
“That's my daughter Jolene. She's—uh--she's a big fan of your work—always talking about the silly man on the sidewalk...” He clears his throat boisterously. “Look, you're practically her hero. I mean, when you blew up those balloon animals and pretended they were your cult worshipers—well, I tell you, that had her in stitches for days.”
Salinger's eyes narrow in disbelief. His mouth is agape.
“Hell, I've arrested men for being cross-eyed in a school zone, but I can't in good conscience arrest a man whose antics so consistently bring a smile to my daughter's face.” With that, he places his large hand on Salinger's bare shoulder. “I'm gonna look the other way this time. Just make sure no one gets hurt.”
That being said, he walks away, dotingly waving at his elated daughter as he passes by the window.
Salinger wipes the sweat from his brow and exhales heavily. He smiles sheepishly and waves his to his number one fan. The little girl hops up and down and claps her hands in a rapt frenzy.
Salinger turns his focus to the sidewalk across the street, where Brinkerhaus is still cowering inside a phone booth.
“Game on!”
___
The competition resumes and within minutes it reaches a rabid intensity. With equal efficiency, both thespians succeed in bothering pedestrians to the other side of the street. The constant divergence of passersby creates a virtual “X” in the street.
Both men notice Stanley Ool approaching from afar. Something about his walk—graceless and erratic—designates him as an easy target. Feeling overzealous, Brinkerhaus, still dressed like Jesus, cheats up the sidewalk several paces to confront Ool.
“Hello, sir, do you need a Messiah? Or maybe just a rigorous shoeshine?”
Ool's eyes dart down to inspect his shoes and he briskly crosses into Salinger's territory.
“No thank you,” Ool murmurs, his voice barely audible.
With a devilish grin, Brinkerhaus stares down his rival and frames his latest victim with two extended palms. Salinger is not intimidated. He rushes up to pounce on Ool, placing one foot in the gutter.
“Hey, can I have your honest opinion?”
Stanley dares to gaze up just long enough to take in the horrid sight of a grown man wearing a newspaper diaper.
“Would I look more striking in a Hula skirt made out of shredded magazines?” Salinger asks.
Overwhelmed by anxiety, Ool defects back to the other side of the street. Salinger returns his rival's cocky gesture and mouths the words: “He's all yours.”
“Getting awful tired of these...” Ool mutters, rubbing his wrists together in self-conscious torment.
Once he steps foot on the curb, he is harassed by Brinkerhaus.
“Hey pal, you got any weed? I promised Bob Marley I'd score him a bag.”
Quite flustered now, Ool is volleyed back toward Salinger's jurisdiction. Still fixated on his shoes he continues his pitiful mumbling.
“The Bible never mentioned anything about Jesus burning marij--”
That statement is interrupted by the earsplitting brakes of a city bus. Ool looks up just in time brace his arms against the impact. The bus had lost much of its momentum before colliding with him. Nonetheless, the impact launches him into the air. He lands with a vicious thud ten feet from the front of the bus, suffering serious—but not fatal—injuries.
Horrified beyond words, the rival actors stare blankly at one another as a small crowd gathers around the limp body of Stanley Ool. Then, in a decisive instant, the two simultaneously sprint for the vacant phone booth. Brinkerhaus loses a sandal and rashly goes back to retrieve it. This delay costs him the coveted phone booth. When his attempt to usurp the phone booth is thwarted by a pair of aggressive shoves from Salinger, he panics. After running frantically in no particular direction for a short time, he scrambles across the street into the Boys and Girls Club.
Not unlike Superman, Salinger emerges from the phone booth wearing a business suit and a top hat made out of newspaper for a fresh disguise. Whistling inconspicuously, he strolls away from the scene of the accident. He is still within earshot when Ool begins howling with vindictive scorn as he writhes on the cement with equal parts pain and anger.
“Friggin' bums! Mark my words, you haven't seen the last of Stanley Ool!”
Salinger stops whistling. He closes his eyes without breaking stride. He goes on trying to forget what he knows he'll remember.
___
Burdened with groceries, Salinger and his daughter enter their darkened apartment. He finds his way over to the kitchen table and sets down the groceries, then returns to the light switch next to the front door.
“So, finally, I said to Spielberg, 'Look, I'd love to make this happen, but I won't play second fiddle to some hack named Private Ryan.' And we haven't worked together since.”
Emily transfers the food items from a brown paper bag into the squeaking wooden cupboards. Taking a moment to gather her nerves, she turns to her father.
“Daddy, I was watching MTV Cribs at Melissa's house the other day, and it got me thinking. If you're such a big movie star, then why do we live in a crummy apartment in Madison, Wisconsin?”
Salinger's body stiffens. Color drains from his face. He scratches his right side-burn, deep in thought and vulnerable.
“Well, Em...I'm a method actor, as you know, and for the past seven years, I've been researching the part of a low-income, divorced father.”
“Oh,” she says eventually.
“And someday soon...my painstaking research will pay off and--”
The phone rings. With relieved urgency, Salinger escapes the conversation and answers the phone on the second ring.
“Hello?”
“GĂĽten tag, Jeffrey. It was a grand show today, don't you think? Shall we call today's competition a draw?”
“You again? I don't believe this sh--”
He glances at his daughter listlessly unpacking groceries and then storms into his bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him.
“Shit. I don't believe this shit. I swear to God, if you're calling me from jail—“
“Nein, nein,” Brinkerhaus says, “You underestimate me, Jeffrey. To think that I could so easily be captured by the authorities.”
“Then how did you escape?”
“I posed as an instructor at the Boys and Girls Club and later fled before anyone was alerted that your silly laws require me to stay away from children.”
“Why are you calling me?”
Brinkerhaus sighs.
“Very well, I shall cut the chase in half, as we say colloquially. I know how much you Americans despise ties, the way you demand a clear-cut victor. For this reason, I'm quite sure you're every bit as distressed as I am that this morning our heated competition was thwarted by an unforeseen variable.”
Salinger stares unblinking into blank space and says nothing.
“Thus, I'm offering you a chance to exorcise the demons of your failed audition eight years ago. Meet me at nine tomorrow morning on State Street for a final confrontation.”
“'Final Confrontation?' For God's sake, I was almost arrested today! And the cop only let me go on the condition that 'No one gets hurt.'”
A pause from Brinkerhaus, and then, in a tired monotone, he says...
“And?”
“And then twenty minutes later, because of us, a guy got hit by a fucking bus! Thereby negating my conditional mercy from the cop. My God, it's no wonder Einstein fled your country. He was surrounded by idiots.”
“Jeffrey, I'd love to pause at length, reeling from the sting of that clever insult, but as my night-time minutes are rapidly diminishing, I must make this succinct. Before you dismiss the notion of a final confrontation, I implore you to turn on channel 46.”
“What is it?”
“It's—uh--let's see,” Brinkerhaus says, suppressing laughter, “It's two hot chicks making out or something. Be assured, it merits your attention.”
With that the line goes dead. Seconds later, Salinger lowers the cordless phone to his side, then tosses it onto the bed. He sighs and reaches slowly for the remote control resting on the nightstand.
“Two hot chicks making out, eh?” he deadpans.
He presses the On button and types in the numbers. The dim picture brightens little by little. On the screen, a group of ornery rednecks encircle a pony-tailed biker clad in a black leather jacket.
“This town don't take kindly to renegades, stranger,” says a mustachioed man in red flannel and a coonskin hunting hat.
Lorenzo Llamas twitches his eyebrow, surveying the bumpkins with chilled disdain.
“Wasn't looking for trouble,” he says with macho bravado.
“Well, it looks like you done found trouble,” says a burly southerner with tattooed biceps. After an elongated pause in which his stern countenance falters for a second, he is discreetly elbowed in the side by a fellow actor.
“Stranger,” he adds.
The camera pans to the right. Salinger gasps at the sight of Brinkerhaus' gaunt, bony face, nearly ten years younger, disguised slightly by a cheap fake mustache.
“Yes. Big trouble indeed,” he says, his Southern accent leaving something to be desired.
An instant after he has delivered his line, a glass bottle wielded by Llamas shatters over his head. Brinkerhaus slumps to the ground as Llamas launches an onslaught of punishment against the hostile rednecks.
“Avenge me,” Brinkerhaus murmurs.
Inundated with disgust, Salinger turns off the television. He reaches for the telephone lying atop his bed. Bludgeoning the digits with his thumb, he dials his ex-fiancées phone number.
“'Big trouble indeed,'” he mocks, to himself. “What kind of hackneyed crap was that?”
Outside the bedroom, the sum total of Emily's doubt and curiosity has led her to cup an inquisitive ear against her father's bedroom door.
“Hey, Sarah? It's Jeff. Listen, do you remember that future favor you promised me—after the falling-out? Well, I'd like you to make good on it tomorrow. I need you to take care of Emily from eight until about eleven in the morning.”
Emily hears a barely audible hurried murmur on the other line.
“Why? Uh—because I've got to go to a singing telegram audition in Milwaukee. Pretty important stuff.”
Emily squints her eyes and wrinkles her nose, breathing heavily.
“You don't think so. Why not?” Salinger says, somewhat irritated.
His wife replies. A moment later, Salinger begins to fume.
“Tupperware party? You can't look after your own daughter for three hours because you're going to a damn Tupperware party? Jesus, Sarah, you cheated on me with the Lamaze instructor and all I asked of you was one fucking favor. And now you can't honor that because you're going to a Tupperware party?”
This time Sarah's voice is quite audible. Terrified by the mounting tension and assailed by guilt for spying, Emily considers taking refuge in her bedroom, but the vitriol of the moment has left her paralyzed.
“Well, maybe I'd stop badgering you if you'd just be a trooper for once!”
An exasperating delay ensues as Sarah chatters contritely on the other line. Salinger at last replies, this time in an unexpectedly pleasant tone.
“Really? So you'll do it, then? Great. Outstanding. I'll drop her off at eight in the morning, all right? Sarah? Are you there?”
Emily lurks outside the bedroom for a second too long. The door is pulled open with swift urgency and her father appears, not noticing her at once, instead bickering to himself.
“Nobody says goodbye anymore...”
He locks eyes with his daughter. Flustered and ashamed, she inches away from the doorway, vainly conveying the air of a casual and unassuming little girl.
“Hey,” Salinger says, forcing an unconvincing laugh. “How long have you been standing there?”
Her typically pale cheeks flushed crimson, Emily's gaze darts from her father back to the floor.
“Me? Oh, not long. Not long at all.”
With an uncharacteristically cold stare, Salinger takes in the sight of his daughter, stewing quietly in suspicion. Abruptly, he smiles with tightly pursed lips.
“Well,” he says, “It looks like you'll be spending some time with your mother tomorrow morning.”
Emily has wandered a few paces into the haven of her bedroom. Craning her neck into the hallway, her feet planted three feet from the threshold, she has, for the moment, the posture of a downhill skier. She grips the open door frame with tightly clenched knuckles.
“Okay,” she says.
Salinger pauses, his forehead crinkled as if troubled and deep in thought.
“Well, sweetie, I may be starring alongside of Nathan Lane in a kitschy musical called Singing Telegram. The audition is in Milwaukee tomorrow morning. Keep your fingers crossed.”
Emily reassures her father with a simple, noncommittal nod.
“Good night, daddy.”
She hurries to shut the door, but Salinger hastily speaks up.
“You know, Em, Nathan Lane is gay, too.”
“Yeah, I already knew that. Good night.”
She smiles a nervous twitch of a smile. Doing a lousy job of concealing her eagerness, she closes her bedroom door.
Salinger stands listlessly in that same spot for awhile. He balls up his fist and raises it high in front of Emily's bedroom door as if to knock, then lowers his fist to the side. He slugs himself lightly three times on the hip. He exhales deeply, scratches his sideburns one at a time with brusque intent, and walks into his bedroom.
___
Outside of Pipefitter's, Salinger paces the sidewalk. His daughter stands nearby, inert, her shoulders slumped. Salinger peers in through the front window. A clock on the wall reads 8:30; plastic joints substitute the traditional hour/ minute hands. Salinger shoves against the glass and addresses his daughter.
“She'll be here soon.”
Emily has nothing to say. Salinger persists, completely aware that this is not going well.
“So. You excited about...playing Mouse Trap with your mom?”
“No. The little plastic cage is missing, so you can never catch the mouse. It can just wander the board with impunity.”
“'Impunity'? You're starting to use big words, just like a guy I know.”
“Yeah? Which guy?”
A joyless laugh escapes from Salinger.
“Which guy, you ask? Oh, the guy I'm referring to is none other than...drum-roll--”
Here he pantomimes a drum-roll, mimics the sound.
“Forget it,” Emily says, waving him off.
With that, a purple Cadillac rounds the nearby corner. As the car approaches, Salinger sees his ex-fiancée's face take on the look of a melted candle. Sarah wrestles with the rear-view mirror, wipes tears from her eyes, smears makeup. She groans, shrugs, and gets out of the car.
Salinger summons the cardboard charm of Ward Cleaver.
“By golly, it's your mom!”
He winces as he says this last word, jarred by the savage force of the car door being shut. He places a hand on Emily's shoulder and gestures to Sarah's mascara-streamed cheeks.
“Look how happy she is to see you.”
“What?” Sarah says, taken aback. “No, it's not that. There was a Barry Manilow tearjerker on the radio. I guess Barry got the best of me.”
Nodding vacantly, Salinger's hand slinks off its perch.
“Since when do you listen to Barry Manilow?”
“Some of us have changed over the years.”
“You have a Sublime tattoo on your lower back.”
“I had that removed.”
She turns around and lifts her midriff a tad to prove it. She doesn't smile or say a word as the moment drudges along.
“I didn't mean to be late. Traffic was dreadful.”
“Hey, that's okay,” Salinger says. “We've enjoyed the wait. It's a colorful neighborhood.”
Two stoners exit Pipefitter's—the same guys who mistakenly went to the gay bar. One carries a tall paper bag capped by a glass tube. The stoner with stumpy dreads offers a high-five to Emily as he walks by.
“Yeah! You're down with the wake-and-bake, aren't ya?”
Salinger swipes at the stoners as they dart away, laughing. Sarah scowls at Salinger as he regathers himself and crouches down to Emily's eye-level.
“They were talking about waking up and baking brownies is all. Okay. I'll be back in no time, Em.”
Emily nods imperceptibly. Their eyes are still locked when Salinger pulls away, headed to his car. He balks for a moment and then waves to Sarah.
“Thanks.”
Mother and daughter stay quiet as Salinger starts his car and drives off. They watch him round the corner and pass out of view behind a liquor store. Sarah faces Emily, leans down, and squeezes her kneecaps tensely.
“Emily! Do you like seaweed wraps?”
“No, that sounds awful.”
“No?”
She looks around the neighborhood for some sort of alternative. Liquor stores and pawn shops outnumber bookstores and antique shops and no one she spots in the hackey-sack circle down the street seems to be going anywhere in life.
“All right. All right. How about some..trampoline-ball, or dodge-ball or something like that?”
“Dodge-ball over seaweed, I guess.”
Sarah nods several times and grins miserably.
“OK,” Sarah says. “Plan-B it is.”
An empty spot in the lot at AK-47 Heaven is filled by Salinger's Mazda. He parks and reaches into the backseat for a change of clothes, a haphazard bundle of tattered and dirty shirts, shoes, socks, and shorts. He digs and peruses through the bundle for the right ensemble, disrobes skillfully within the close quarters, and dresses himself with the same ease. He exits the car dressed in raggedy shorts the length of Larry Bird's and a heavily duct-taped tank-top. He glares at the overcast sky as he goes through the back door of the place.
Like a dog on the jock of his master, Kickbush waddles over to Salinger. He's dressed in a gray sweat-suit. Around his neck hangs a tin whistle that flashes like Tinkerbell when the light hits it just right. He checks out Salinger's clothing and nods his approval.
“Mornin', champ. Nothing flashy, today, eh? I like it.”
“Did you just call me champ?”
Kickbush smiles and reaches for a nearby flyer.
“Sure did. These flyers have been scattered all over the neighborhood. I'm telling ya, champ, that Nazi ninny don't stand a chance.”
Salinger snatches the flyer and reads it crossly.
“'Saturday, May 28th: Wet t-shirt contest outside the Boys and Girls Club on State Street. Competition starts at nine a.m.'”
“Naw, read the fine print below that—way at the bottom of the page.”
With a mighty, face-compressed squint, Salinger brings the flyer within inches of his nose.
“'And then two homeless men compete.'”
Salinger tosses aside the flyer and points at Kickbush's whistle.
“What the hell is that for?”
Suddenly bashful, Kickbush tugs on his whistle-necklace.
“Oh, I was just hoping I could be your coach for some pre-game calisthenics. Maybe blow my whistle every time you do a push-up. Encourage you to crap thunder. That sort of thing.”
“You don't have to do that.”
“Oh,” Kickbush murmurs.
The dejected old man lowers his head. He revives once he recalls what the glass he placed on the counter-top. It is filled with the burnt orange slime of raw eggs.
“Well, then at least gulp down these eggs I cracked.”
“I'd rather not.”
“Come on. It'll give you the protein boost you need to beat that German sum-bitch.”
“I don't want to drink it.”
“Five bucks. I'll give you five bucks. Please. Gulp the damn egg.”
“No!”
On the brink of a tirade, Kickbush clacks his boot against the floor-tiles at the rate of a jackhammer.
“OK, five bucks and a health-care plan!”
“Deal.”
He snatches the glass from his boss's grasp and chokes down the raw eggs. Salinger gags and doubles over, gets in a tangle with his gag reflex but prevails. He extends his hand. Kickbush hands over the five-dollar-bill.
“It was worth it,” Kickbush says.
“I agree,” Salinger says.
He pockets the cash and strides out the front door. Across the street, he spots Brinkerhaus, who is surrounded by a small crowd of male spectators. Some chain-smoke, others sip from flasks, and all of them search around with lecherous intrigue. Brinkerhaus is wearing the Jesus wig he had on yesterday.
“At last, my archenemy has arrived. Jeffrey, say hello to my throng of confidants. They've gathered to gape at your demise.”
Groveling resounds throughout the group. They don't comprehend or care. A horny spectator raises his voice.
“What kind of a wet t-shirt contest is this? It's five after nine and I still ain't seen no soakin' nips!”
Brinkerhaus exerts a tortured sigh.
“Very well. We shall get to the preliminaries. KITTY!”
A buxom brunette clad in a white tank-top emerges from a nearby back alley. She darts past the men, narrowly avoiding gropes. She sidles next to Brinkerhaus timidly and flutters her eyelashes. The men hoot and holler like the studio audience from Married with Children.
Gentlemen, this is Kitty. As you see, she has over-sized breasts of dubious authenticity. Her turn-ons include promiscuous sex with men...”
At this, the deadbeats cheer tepidly. Brinkerhaus rolls his eyes.
“Or, if you prefer: women. Fine. She is a both-way swinger.”
At this, the deadbeats roar their approval.
“By contrast, her turn-offs include people with high school diplomas and blah-blah-blah.”
He hands a five-dollar-bill to Kitty and then bends over to pick up a jug of water. With a bored expression, he presents the jug to the onlookers and proceeds to douse Kitty's chest. He looks away as he does so. To the delight of the crowd, jumps up and down and pumps her fists passionately. Perhaps the most esteemed man in the bunch, a Japanese tourist, moves in closer with a hand-held camera to get the lusty footage.
“Yes. Very good,” Brinkerhaus says. “Well, my confidants, today we have certainly seen some quote 'soakin nips.' But as today's lone competitor, Kitty clearly stands out above the rest. She is your champion, you pillow-humping misogynists.”
The men cheer uproariously.
Across the street, Kickbush quietly admires the girl. Joyful tears swell in his eyes.
“My little angel's made her daddy the proudest man on Earth,” he says.
Across the street, his daughter seeks a generous tip. She holds out an open palm and nudges Brinkerhaus, who whirls around and accidentally catches sight of the soaked imprint of her nipples. He shrieks and covers his eyes. With his other hand, he reaches into his pocket for spare change and tosses coins at her.
“There. That's more than you were promised. Now be gone!”
Indignant and infuriated, she slugs him on the arm and stomps away. Her folded arms cover her chest. She is pursued by a few perverts, but most stay put, reasoning they don't stand a chance at fucking her, anyway.
Brinkerhaus scowls at Salinger as he rubs his aching arm.
“And now, Jeffrey, the main event commences. We meet again— not unlike Goliath and KITT in the season-two finale of Knight Rider.”
“Let's get this over with.”
Brinkerhaus nods. The two engage in a cold stare-down as they rotate positions until they're poised in front of their appropriate buildings. Half the crowd shuffles over to AK-47 Heaven. Brinkerhaus calls out.
“When I count to three, the competition begins. The next pedestrian to enter either of our jurisdictions shall be volleyed from sidewalk to sidewalk. The winner is the man who permanently vanquishes his pedestrian across the street. Alles klar, Jeffrey?”
Salinger nods.
“One,” Brinkerhaus says.
Salinger intertwines his fingers and stretches his hands forward. He listens to the knuckles crack.
“Two.”
The crowd looks on, riveted and confused. The Japanese tourist pans back and forth from Salinger to Brinkerhaus. State Street is hushed until a girl's voice is heard. She stands outside the entrance of the Boys and Girls Club, behind Salinger.
“Daddy. Is that you?”
Salinger's face turns the color of a surrendering flag. Dread and shame consume him as he inches 180-degrees and faces his daughter. Making and maintaining eye-contact is excruciating for Salinger. She wrinkles her nose as she scrutinizes his raggedy clothes.
“What's going on?” she asks.
“Hey, Em,” Salinger says through quivering lips. “Shouldn't you be with your mom?”
“Sarah dropped me off a little while ago. Seaweed for her, dodge-ball for me.”
Seconds pass by.
“Oh,” Salinger says.
More seconds pass by.
“You didn't answer my question.”
Salinger scrapes all his fingernails against both of his sideburns. From the crowd he overhears whispers and snickers.
“Well, that Nathan Lane collaboration fizzled, so I came here to do a side-project...”
As he trails off, he notices the Japanese tourist recording them. Salinger gets inspired to bullshit some more.
“Did you get that last shot, Hideo? The one of me cracking my knuckles, staring straight ahead?”
The man falsely called Hideo frowns. He peers out from behind the camera lens.
“Understand very little English...”
To this, Salinger claps his hands in celebration.
“Beautiful! We got it. Okay. Let's take five, people.”
Salinger struts over to a rat-faced onlooker and shakes his unsuspecting hand. He winks at the stranger and slips him the five-spot he got from Kickbush.
“Pleasure working with you, Daniel. I see big things for you in show business.”
The guy pockets the cash and plays along.
“Uh, thanks, Mister...”
“Salinger.”
“Right. Salamander.”
This desperate charade is interrupted by Brinkerhaus. He grins wolfishly as he strolls over to the Boys and Girls Club, shaking his head the whole way there.
“Oh, Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey. Your daughter is the apple of your sunshine, and yet you deceive her so chronically.”
“You stay out of this,” Salinger hisses.
Undeterred, Brinkerhaus kneels before Emily.
“Little one, do you really wish to know why your daddy is here today?”
She neither shakes her head nor nods as she takes a step back. With a devilish twitch of his eyebrows, Brinkerhaus puts his hand on her shoulder.
“Well. I shall tell you nevertheless.”
With a surge of rage, Salinger steps between the two. His fists are clenched, readied.
“Get away from her.”
Brinkerhaus rises to his feet, towers over his adversary.
“You wish to shelter her forever, but such a thing cannot be done.”
Salinger initiates the shoving, which is returned by Brinkerhaus and his lanky reach. Salinger reels backward, keeps his footing, and charges forward. He swats past outstretched arms and lands a right-cross against the gaunt jawbone of Sven Brinkerhaus.
“Asshole,” Salinger says.
He turns instinctively to Emily as the German stoops to one knee.
“Don't swear.”
Brinkerhaus capitalizes with a full-circle spin of his right leg; he strikes Salinger's ankle and sweeps him off his feet. Salinger's elbows crack against the concrete. He howls and gnashes his teeth. Brinkerhaus pounces, goes horizontal for a moment, and flails a punch on his decent. Salinger jerks his head to the side. The punch grazes his cheek and pounds the sidewalk.
“Shei§e-Kopf!”
Salinger rolls atop the cussing German, vices him in a headlock.
Meanwhile, a pedestrian approaches from down the street. One arm braced in a sling, this morning he walks with newfound purpose. He has found his smile, at long last, but it is a wicked one. He walks with a limp that has been with him since yesterday.
Emily screams protests that get lost in the chaos. The spectators left over from the wet t-shirt contest have found the main event worthwhile. They drown out the girl's objections with the same hooting and hollering they gave Kitty. Brinkerhaus struggles to get to his feet and rams an elbow into his opponent's ribcage. Salinger snarls and almost loses grip of the hold.
“I met your father in Los Angeles!” Brinkerhaus shouts to Emily. “At an audition!”
Salinger regains his grip, wrenches his rival away from her. They do an about-face in tandem, Brinkerhaus with his head grafted to Salinger's side, the men looking like conjoined twins out to destroy each other.
They see Stanley Ool coming at the exact same time. Their faces go slack. Four eyes pop out. Terror makes the two men one and the same. Salinger relinquishes the headlock. Stanley Ool holds a gun in his good hand and aims it at Salinger's chest.
“Friggin' bums!” Ool shouts.
The horror gives way to an eerie calm as Salinger shifts his gaze to his Emily. She's looking back at him and he feels gratitude in that moment. He feels at peace finally. He has his perfect line memorized.
“I'm sorry,” he says.
Ool squeezes the trigger. Salinger winces. And that's the end of his moment of clarity.
No shot is fired. Salinger's is slow to realize this. His wince slowly un-scrunches. He opens his eyes and sees Ool peering down the barrel of the gun.
“Huh. Darn thing must be jammed.”
With a look of impotent longing, his eyes dart from Salinger to Brinkerhaus. Ool turns to the spectators.
“Say, do any of you happen to have a switchblade?”
They all shake their heads no and mutter apologies.
“Shucks.”
From across the street, Kickbush approaches the scene. He's shaking his head, too, out of pity.
“What a disgrace,” Kickbush says.
He snatches the gun from Ool's hand and inspects it. Ool puts up no fight. He hangs his head.
“Can't say I'm surprised,” Kickbush says. “Made in Armenia? You gotta be shittin' me. If you want a real firearm, follow me to AK-47 Heaven.”
He sympathetically drapes an arm around the psycho's neck and ushers him into the gun shop. Salinger is the next to shake his head.
“That man just tried to kill us,” he calls to Kickbush. “And now you're trying to sell him a gun.”
The military man pauses at the threshold of his business, pushes Ool inside. He flashes his stained-teeth smile.
“Relax. If he really is dangerous, he'll have to wait a whole week.”
Salinger puckers his lips as if munching a lemon. He then nods, unsurprised by everything by now.
“I quit,” he says.
Kickbush spits, gazes down, and considers things. He winds up nodding, too.
“Maybe it's for the best. Hell, I couldn't afford that health care plan, anyway.”
Brinkerhaus raises his hand eagerly.
“Are you hiring? I left my resumĂ© at the Motel 6!”
“Perfect!” Kickbush replies. “Bring it in and the job's yours.” He shuts the door behind him.
With that the German leaps for joy. He points at Salinger and taunts him for the last time.
“My triumph!”
Brinkerhaus runs wildly in the direction of the nearest Motel 6. Salinger doesn't bother watching him pass out of view. He turns to Emily. She runs to him. They throw their arms around each other with a love so strong that it squeezes tears out of them. The crowd around them disperses. Everything bad feels like it has gone away until Salinger opens his eyes. Life comes back. He starts to worry again, but he knows what to do next.
“Let's go home,” he says.
He grabs her hand and they walk very slowly side-by-side.
“Didn't you drive here?”
“Yeah. We'll hoof it. I parked too close to maniacs with guns.”
“Why did you say you were sorry? I mean, it was better than 'eat your vegetables,' but...did you really think that was the last thing I wanted to hear from you?”
They continue their stroll down State Street. Salinger has a ginger gait in his step, but he holds no grudge against his bruises. It's hardly a nice day, but the Sun stands a chance of breaking through a gap in the dark, massive clouds above them.
“I have hunch what you're hinting at, Em. You're right. But before we get to the sappy stuff, I have to tell you a story. OK?”
“OK.”
“Before your time, in the mid-'90s, there was a show on cable-TV called Renegade. And even though it was awful—like all of us—I had to start somewhere...”
Sunday, April 14, 2013
More Lyrics to "Bad Cops"
It feels peculiar for someone like me to ask you to watch something rather than read it, but here goes. Watch this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoCOXYiYM8g
Funny! But I'm dying to hear some additional verses. I'm left with a desire to add lyrics to “Bad Cops.” When I was in college I wrote a script for The Simpsons, which I revised a few months ago, and it is worth mentioning that I won't be getting paid for the lines that follow, either. I have yet to develop into much of a capitalist.
In the meantime, read this.
Bad Cops, Bad Cops...
Springfield cops are on the take
But what do you expect for the money we make?
Whether in a car or on a horse
We don't mind using excessive force
Bad Cops, Bad Cops...
We crack skulls and call it the norm
Chocolate is a stain on our uniforms
We're the worst cops a con could want at the scene
Wiggum caught his tie in a hot-dog machine
Bad Cops, Bad Cops...
Nevermind those shots at the Kwik-e-Mart
Better things to do once McGarnicle starts
Night-sticks club and tasers tase
Birthday boys hold their guns sideways
Bad Cops, Bad Cops...
Officers respond when we're damn good and ready
Carl is to Lenny as Lou is to Eddie
Fear ghost cars and gamble on squirrels
Fail to straighten out: Snake's red curls
Bad Cops, Bad Cops...
Guitar solo
Funky strummin' for awhile
A bunch of rap samples of handgun-fire solo
More funky strummin'
Bad Cops, Bad Cops
Just a few more gunshot noises, but—you know...tasteful ones.
Conclusion
^McGarnicle^
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Fear of Motorcycles
1. When I met Antoinette outside of the apartment we'd soon be sharing, she had her arms wrapped around a man on a motorcycle. Wisps of gray mingled in his dark and dense hairline and he nodded to me with the undertones of both a protective dad and a leery lover. Antoinette dismounted the bike and said hello. He looked immune to digs about sporting a Fonz-jacket through a midlife crisis as he sped away.
Antoinette showed me around her two-bedroom place. I basked in the absence of both luxury and total squalor that made it an affordable and habitable residence in Chicago. When I moved in a week later, Antoinette greeted me in shorts that showcased her creamy thighs. Below one of those juicy thickets was a burn mark on her calf. She explained that it was inflicted when her calf graced the muffler on the motorcycle rode by the older man who employed her part-time as some sort of a personal assistant.
A week later, a portion of all my stuff had been loaded into the second bedroom.
I'd met a pretty girl with glasses whose parents lived in the wealthy suburbs north of Chicago. It was the Fourth of July and we watched the fireworks from a cozy bolder on the shoreline of Lake Michigan. I sat with my legs splayed and my arms wrapped around the girl who, I suppose, counts as the love of my life for now.
It was a short-lived period of time, I'm sad to say. The big city chaos was indifferent to my dreams, and I was unsure exactly how to pursue those dreams, anyway. By the end of July I was hungry and defeated. A portion of all my stuff was loaded into my brother's truck and we drove back to Wisconsin.
Before I shut the door on that apartment in Logan Square for the last time, I said goodbye to Antoinette. My focus drooped once from her solemn face to her creamy thighs and downward. Along the way, I noticed that the burn from the motorcycle still branded her calf, and it occurred to me that she, at least, didn't seem to regret a thing.
2.) More or less every cell in my body is annoyed by motorcycles. They are deafening death-wishes on wheels. Motorcycles roar for destruction, boast about the victory of recklessness over sanity, run amok all over peace and quiet, and flout common sense just for the hell of it. The iota of cop-DNA that I inherited from my dad boils at the thought of motorcycles and their banshee calls for endangerment, their celebration of the rude life.
Motorcycles are embodied by the egomaniacs at the party who holler but never listen. The oaf who requests more cleavage from the back row of a movie theater may very well ride a Harley. When he's not launching soda can projectiles from spinning band-saws in shop class, that guy you knew from high school daydreamed about popping wheelies... loud wheelies.
Now, these are stereotypes that don't apply to everyone who rides the shiny hog, but still, those machines are belligerent and dangerous, and I really, really hate the damn motorcycles.
A vicious feeling like disdain never exists in a vacuum, though. Motorcycles kick-start disdain in me, which in turn sparks fear and jealousy. Badness is really more of a mafia than a dictatorship.
There are three reasons why I'm not so crazy about motorcycles (and admittedly, those words are paradoxical since I tend to go crazy about the things I'm not crazy about), and they are as follows.
3.)“They're so loud I can hardly feel myself hate.”
More so than just about anything else, music makes me feel like less of a broken loon. When it comes to music, I gush, I polarize, I analyze. I'm eager to twist and shout at the behest of the Beatles. Convincing someone that the Clash were an infinitely better band than the Sex Pistols is something I'd like to do on a daily basis. I get my heart cut out in the most compassionate way conceivable when I hear Johnny Cash's rendition of U2's “One”--and all that artsy stuff I crake wise about.
The antithesis of great music is the racket a motorcycle makes. The musical counterpart of a motorcycle would have to be one of those death metal bands that are always pissed for reasons that cannot possibly be gleaned from the incomprehensible but psychotic-seeming lyrics. If you think melodies are for pussies and that it takes a bad-ass to leave a trail of heinous noise everywhere you go, get a motorcycle and download some shitty din played by freaks from Sweden, pal.
What the hell is so appealing about a vehicle that basically blares Tourettes Syndrome from a megaphone? Why are noisy machines so much more acceptable than noisy people? People cause motorcycles to make a God-awful ruckus, and that's every bit as inconsiderate as them hollering their lungs out as they wait in line at a convenience store.
“HURRR-RUUUUURRRGGG! HURRR-RUUUUURRRGGG! Hurry up with that cash-register, lady. HURRR-RUUUUURRRGGG! Come on, I don't have all day! HUR-RURG!”
On a regular basis, I'm willing to bet, a sleeping baby gets woken up by the roar of a motorcycle. That baby, terrified, starts crying at a decibel level that nearly matches that of the departing Harley. The father or mother then enters the bedroom to comfort the hysterical baby, offering coos and cuddles—and yet the baby can't find peace and fall back asleep for two hours, and the same goes for the parent(s). Having been deprived of a full night's rest, the father and/ or the mother go to work the next day feeling exhausted and cranky. Their patience is short with co-workers and customers. They lash out irritably at things they typically wouldn't be bothered by. They have themselves a bad day, and so will you, if you spend enough time with them.
All that unpleasantness happens because one asshole rides a motorcycle after dark.
More Stories, and Additional Stories is the name of that eBook.
Labels:
Chicago,
Fonz,
Harley-Davidson,
Maximum Overdrive,
Motorcycles
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