Every time I tell someone I’m releasing a self-published book, the first question he or she asks is, of course, “What is the book about?” That is a legitimate question with a complex answer. For the most part, There Will Be Blog is: A COLLECTION OF POP-CULTURE OBSESSED COMEDIC MEMOIRS. This means that I tend to infuse a multitude of references to movies, TV, sports, and literature when I tell stories about the tumultuous, sometimes wretched and despairing, pursuit of happiness that is my life. An essay such as “People Don’t Usually Forget Human Train-wrecks” is a personal account about fainting in my friend’s basement, bashing my head against the concrete, and then asking my pals a series of loopy questions under the guise of having a concussion. The piece is loaded with allusions to Trailer Park Boys, Predator, and Billy Joel.
But the terse description of the book offered above in bold is only about 60% accurate. Memoirs are supposed to be truthful. In essays such as “Professor Radington” and “The Cut Upper Lip,” I take a sliver of truth (wanting to become a father someday and cutting myself shaving before enrolling in a class at the Second City, respectively) and then I use hyperbole to launch the accounts into farcical, self-effacing fiction.
Also included in the book are six or seven Open Letters From Eccentric Buffoons. The OLFEBs were written from the perspectives of different characters, irrational loons, by and large, who berate the reader with strange lectures, appeals, or confessions. “Everybody Be Cool and Listen Up,” for instance, was written from the viewpoint of a disgraced cop who attempts to galvanize a small group of Apocalypse survivors gathered inside an abandoned fireworks shack. Essay such as this, along with “The Great Waldo Column,” “The Seafood Casserole,” and a few others, reflect very little about my personal life and should not be mistaken for memoirs.
Oftentimes the book is quite funny, but the word “COMEDIC” does not apply entirely. On a few occasions, I become more concerned with providing insight and/ or exploring emotions than making jokes. I don’t want to be charged with failing as a comedy writer in the instances when I wasn’t even trying to be funny. “The Dark Knight and Brett Favre” and the gloomy parts of “The Boner Way Out,” for instance, were not conceived with intentions of inducing laughter.
The book is (usually) humorous in tone, with a personal delivery. Keep in mind, though, that there is a difference between 1.) offering one’s pithy opinions and goofy observations 2.) conveying a funny autobiography. I don’t always accomplish both of those objectives at the same time. Readers of There Will Be Blog will learn more about my opinions and observations than the specifics of my experiences; this is because what I think is (sadly?) more interesting than what I have actually done.
The language is meant to be eloquent and vivid. If you don’t own one of those vocabulary-building word-of-the-day calendars, you might have to consult a dictionary on occasion while reading the book. I have ambivalent feelings toward “big words.” I believe that readers should be challenged, that a writer should use a wide array of words to avoid stagnated and repetitive prose, and that vocab-words commonly boast a degree of exactness not offered by everyday language. On the other hand, “big words” can alienate readers, butcher and enfeeble the message the author is trying to convey, and, horribly enough, writers sometimes employ “big words” in a pathetic and haughty attempt to bloat their own disgusting egos...at the expense of the very people who keep them employed, no less. There is not excuse for doing that. Therefore, I made several late edits to the manuscript to make the language a bit more accessible, but you’ll still have to suffer through some of the verbosity featured in my first book. (Concupiscence, languorous, paradoxical, mawkish, ebullient, eviscerate, etc.)
Also regarding language: My mom really wishes I didn’t swear so much—in print, at least. If vulgarity upsets you, it’s probably best to avoid reading There Will Be Blog. It is indeed possible, and perhaps more virtuous, to create brilliant comedy without resorting to profanity. And an argument could be made that cuss words tarnish merit. I don’t subscribe to that mindset, though; I believe that properly used obscenities capture a weird sense of catharsis. They can also provide a sort of fireworks display within the language. So there. I’m all done defending profanity. I must take the high road on this matter. If you don’t read my book because you don’t care for all the swearing, nobody has the right to call you a pussy.
In case you’re wondering how my material compares to some more credible books and authors you might be familiar with...
I’m not as intellectually gifted as Chuck Klosterman,* but, according to me, at least, I’m slightly funnier and more personal than he is. If you enjoyed America: The Book and I am America (and So Can You!), the satirical, sometimes wicked comedy featured in There Will Be Blog will most likely appeal to you as well. Truth be known, though, I can’t quite match the comedic clout offered by Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert and their team of writers; plus, I don’t often focus on politics. The books of George Carlin inspired me greatly. He was no doubt funnier and smarter than me, but I am less pessimistic than Carlin, not as comforted by the notion that we are all doomed. The last author to consider is David Sedaris, a terrific memoirist whose humor is more refined and subtle than my brand. His prose is also much crisper and more economical than mine. Sedaris’ willingness to inject humor into self-deprecating testimonials no doubt impacted parts of the book I wrote.
There is a puzzling quality to There Will Be Blog, and I think the mystery runs deeper than being left wondering, “What is wrong with this guy?” or “Why did I read this book?” Some of the questions the book implicitly poses, by accident, are as follows:
“To what extent does our consumption of pop-culture affect our identities? And if the impact is significant, as it is in my case, what does that say about me (or possibly us)? Pop-culture grants us shared sentiments and experiences; it’s easier to relate to someone who likes the same bands, TV shows, or sports teams that we do. But how genuine is the binding force of pop-culture? Is the force in question cheap, dubious, and artificial? Or is it a privilege exclusive to advanced societies that we should embrace? As an author, do I present a valid and engaging blend of memoir and media criticism, or am I just a shallow curmudgeon, ‘Lost in the Supermarket,’ shopping for ‘Fake Plastic Trees’?”**
I don’t have answers to these questions—or if I do, I’m not yet willing to share them. My hope is that I can at least prompt a handful of readers to invest some thought into these queries.
That old, familiar feeling that I have rambled too much is upon me, and so I really should wrap up this plea of self-promotion. In the opening essay of the book, I state that even if There Will Be Blog turns out to be “yet another blundering failure, I’m grateful for it.” That’s the truth. I’m grateful for the opportunity to say to an audience, “This is what I want to do with my life. Do you think it’s any good? P.S., it’s going to cost you roughly $20 to answer this relatively insignificant question.”
I will not make a profit on this book until its sales exceed 54 copies.
I am asking you to please help me break even.
Book page: www.xlibris.com/ThereWillBeBlog.html
Author page: www.xlibris.com/NickOlig.html
E-mail: orders@xlibris.com
*Chuck Klosterman is the author of Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs and Eating the Dinosaur. He excels at finding correlations between two seemingly disparate ideas—such as Kurt Cobain’s psyche during the recording of In Utero and the fatal fiasco of the Branch Davidian cult in Waco, TX...or the pathos of Generation X and the film The Empire Strikes Back. A few of my essays set out to accomplish the same sort of thing. (“The Type who Craves Punishment” and “Musicals and Superhero Flicks, Fighting in Harmony,” among others.)
**”Lost in the Supermarket” and “Fake Plastic Trees” are ballads by the Clash and Radiohead, respectively. The lyrics to both songs lament the ways in which consumer culture dilutes, troubles, and wearies the spirit of the individual. Excerpt from “Lost in the Supermarket”: “I’m all lost in the supermarket/ I can no longer shop happily/ I came in here for that special offer/ Guaranteed personality.” And from “Fake Plastic Trees”: “She looks like the real thing/ She tastes like the real thing/ My fake plastic love/ But I can’t help the feeling/ I could blow through the ceiling/ If I’d just turn and run/ And it wears me out.”
