On orientation day of my class at the Second City, the instructor informed us that using a spotlight to accentuate your action descriptions is a heavy-handed and hackneyed practice. As no changes have been made in light of this tip, consider this the behemoth slob in boxer shorts from a weight loss commercial, the word "Before" appearing just below his flab-squeezed belly-button. If, someday, I'm able to produce a sculpted "After" model , you'll be the first to know.
This is satire, by the way, not to be confused with actual bigotry because I typed it with the fingers crossed on my right hand. I am far too accustomed to one-handed typing. (Wink...Sigh.)
INT. LAW OFFICE
Three men pose statuesquely around a polished wooden table, consulting leather-bound books between steep shelves. Outside of the setting, starkly spotlighted, stands a dashing yet disheveled actor named IKE WINSTON.
DISEMBODIED VOICE: You’re watching the Celebrity Channel: Entertainment for Entertainers. This is a paid program.
IKE WINSTON: Hello, I’m Ike Winston. Until recently, my life was a flourishing joyride of
pleasure and success. Then I was fired unjustly from my job, playing Dr. Randy Mansom on TV’s “Open Heart-Throb Surgery.” The termination put me in a financial crunch; I had to sell my favorite Jaguar, several assault rifles, and half of my indoor hockey arena. My plight got worse
when my former employer and co-workers publicly besmirched my good name, making it hard to find work elsewhere.
(beat)
And it was all because I spoke out against those damn sodomizing fairies.
The spotlight shifts to the three men in the law office: a homosexual, a Jew, and an African-American. KEN KENDAL, the homosexual, steps forward. His hair is gel-spiked and he wears a turquoise business suit.
KEN KENDAL: Are you a celebrity whose bold remarks have been misconstrued by the media? If so, Friends of Bigots want to help. My name is Ken Kendal, and for a reasonable rate, I offered Mr. Winston the service of my friendship. There’s no better way to prove you don’t really hate gay folks than being seen in public with a gay man like me. Ike, tell our celebrity viewers how fabulous I am.
IKE WINSTON: “Fabulous” isn’t my kind of word, Ken, but...you’re okay, I guess. Being photographed with Ken while browsing for scented candles at Bed Bath & Beyond helped to convince the public I was only kidding when I said: “Those damn sodomizing fairies seriously make bestiality seem like one of the sacraments.” Thanks, Friends of Bigots!
Another celebrity, GIL CARLSON, replaces Ike in the spotlight. Gil wears a black cowboy hat and long-sleeved blue denim. He preens arrogantly and broadens his shoulders as if daring someone to punch him in the sternum.
GIL CARLSON: Howdy. Name’s Gil Carlson, country music sensation. You prob’ly recall the
hullabaloo stirred up by the left-wing yahoos following the release of my concept album, “Peace on Earth, Jew Colony on the Moon.” There was protests, boycotts, and CD bull-dozin’—come on, it ain’t like I killed nobody.
DAVID KLEINMAN, a man of Jewish faith with dark curly hair and glasses, introduces himself.
DAVID KLEINMAN: My client’s poor grammar and double-negative notwithstanding, let me assure you that he most certainly has never killed anybody.
GIL CARLSON: (seething) You fancy yourself a book-reader, don’t ya, Kleinman?
DAVID KLEINMAN: Indeed, Mr. Carlson. Reading books has taught me a thing or two about freedom of expression. I don’t own a copy of “Jew Colony on the Moon,” but that didn’t stop me from inviting my client to my nephew Jeffrey’s Bar mitzvah. Once Entertainment Weekly printed a photo of my client dancing the Hora amongst dozens of my people, America became willing to give him a second chance.
GIL CARLSON: And sure as hell, I benefited from that second chance...for two whole weeks, ‘til I slipped up again just before an interview with one of them late-night fellers. The gap-toothed Yankee announced that I was the next guest and I made a grand entrance, sittin’ on a rocking chair hoisted by two of my finest slaves.
Cue the third member of Friends of Bigots—a black man with a stern countenance named Darren Hodges.
DARREN HODGES: And that’s where I came in. The rented friendship offered by my gay and Jewish colleagues may not convince the public you’re really a tolerant person. Sometimes it takes a black man like me, Darren Hodges, to pose with you waiting in line outside of a Public Enemy reunion concert.
GIL CARLSON: (proudly) Damn right. I was kicked in the ribs countless times outside of the Pubic Alimony show, and not once did I retaliate.
DARREN HODGES: That’s because you got hog-tied with that silly-ass Hulkamania doo-rag you
had on.
Gil jerks his focus to the side and frowns peevishly at Hodges. As a quick gesture of diplomacy, Kleinman puts a hand on his colleague’s shoulder.
KLEINMAN: Keep in mind, celebs, if your behavior incites the ire of not one but two minority groups, Friends of Bigots will offer a half-price bargain on the rental fee for the second friend. Insult a minority group once, shame on the public for misinterpreting what you said. Insult a minority group twice, shame on us for letting you save so much cash!
KEN KENDAL: A black man, a Jew, and a homosexual are more than just three guys who walk into a bar at the start of a joke. For an hourly rate of an itty-bitty ten-thousand dollars, Friends of Bigots can save your career!
DARREN HODGES: Call within the next hour and I promise not to make a pass at your wife.
GIL CARLSON: Hodges, you take back what you said about Hulkamania!
As Carlson huffs and stomps in place, the three members of Friends of Bigots smile straight ahead, unperturbed.
DISEMBODIED VOICE: Call Friends of Bigots at 773-###-5309. Remember: the pound signs represent three explicit epithets...
GIL CARLSON: Your kind is even lousier than the Mexicans, you know that?
DISEMBODIED VOICE: Friends of Bigots is now looking to hire a Mexican.
Three men pose statuesquely around a polished wooden table, consulting leather-bound books between steep shelves. Outside of the setting, starkly spotlighted, stands a dashing yet disheveled actor named IKE WINSTON.
DISEMBODIED VOICE: You’re watching the Celebrity Channel: Entertainment for Entertainers. This is a paid program.
IKE WINSTON: Hello, I’m Ike Winston. Until recently, my life was a flourishing joyride of
pleasure and success. Then I was fired unjustly from my job, playing Dr. Randy Mansom on TV’s “Open Heart-Throb Surgery.” The termination put me in a financial crunch; I had to sell my favorite Jaguar, several assault rifles, and half of my indoor hockey arena. My plight got worse
when my former employer and co-workers publicly besmirched my good name, making it hard to find work elsewhere.
(beat)
And it was all because I spoke out against those damn sodomizing fairies.
The spotlight shifts to the three men in the law office: a homosexual, a Jew, and an African-American. KEN KENDAL, the homosexual, steps forward. His hair is gel-spiked and he wears a turquoise business suit.
KEN KENDAL: Are you a celebrity whose bold remarks have been misconstrued by the media? If so, Friends of Bigots want to help. My name is Ken Kendal, and for a reasonable rate, I offered Mr. Winston the service of my friendship. There’s no better way to prove you don’t really hate gay folks than being seen in public with a gay man like me. Ike, tell our celebrity viewers how fabulous I am.
IKE WINSTON: “Fabulous” isn’t my kind of word, Ken, but...you’re okay, I guess. Being photographed with Ken while browsing for scented candles at Bed Bath & Beyond helped to convince the public I was only kidding when I said: “Those damn sodomizing fairies seriously make bestiality seem like one of the sacraments.” Thanks, Friends of Bigots!
Another celebrity, GIL CARLSON, replaces Ike in the spotlight. Gil wears a black cowboy hat and long-sleeved blue denim. He preens arrogantly and broadens his shoulders as if daring someone to punch him in the sternum.
GIL CARLSON: Howdy. Name’s Gil Carlson, country music sensation. You prob’ly recall the
hullabaloo stirred up by the left-wing yahoos following the release of my concept album, “Peace on Earth, Jew Colony on the Moon.” There was protests, boycotts, and CD bull-dozin’—come on, it ain’t like I killed nobody.
DAVID KLEINMAN, a man of Jewish faith with dark curly hair and glasses, introduces himself.
DAVID KLEINMAN: My client’s poor grammar and double-negative notwithstanding, let me assure you that he most certainly has never killed anybody.
GIL CARLSON: (seething) You fancy yourself a book-reader, don’t ya, Kleinman?
DAVID KLEINMAN: Indeed, Mr. Carlson. Reading books has taught me a thing or two about freedom of expression. I don’t own a copy of “Jew Colony on the Moon,” but that didn’t stop me from inviting my client to my nephew Jeffrey’s Bar mitzvah. Once Entertainment Weekly printed a photo of my client dancing the Hora amongst dozens of my people, America became willing to give him a second chance.
GIL CARLSON: And sure as hell, I benefited from that second chance...for two whole weeks, ‘til I slipped up again just before an interview with one of them late-night fellers. The gap-toothed Yankee announced that I was the next guest and I made a grand entrance, sittin’ on a rocking chair hoisted by two of my finest slaves.
Cue the third member of Friends of Bigots—a black man with a stern countenance named Darren Hodges.
DARREN HODGES: And that’s where I came in. The rented friendship offered by my gay and Jewish colleagues may not convince the public you’re really a tolerant person. Sometimes it takes a black man like me, Darren Hodges, to pose with you waiting in line outside of a Public Enemy reunion concert.
GIL CARLSON: (proudly) Damn right. I was kicked in the ribs countless times outside of the Pubic Alimony show, and not once did I retaliate.
DARREN HODGES: That’s because you got hog-tied with that silly-ass Hulkamania doo-rag you
had on.
Gil jerks his focus to the side and frowns peevishly at Hodges. As a quick gesture of diplomacy, Kleinman puts a hand on his colleague’s shoulder.
KLEINMAN: Keep in mind, celebs, if your behavior incites the ire of not one but two minority groups, Friends of Bigots will offer a half-price bargain on the rental fee for the second friend. Insult a minority group once, shame on the public for misinterpreting what you said. Insult a minority group twice, shame on us for letting you save so much cash!
KEN KENDAL: A black man, a Jew, and a homosexual are more than just three guys who walk into a bar at the start of a joke. For an hourly rate of an itty-bitty ten-thousand dollars, Friends of Bigots can save your career!
DARREN HODGES: Call within the next hour and I promise not to make a pass at your wife.
GIL CARLSON: Hodges, you take back what you said about Hulkamania!
As Carlson huffs and stomps in place, the three members of Friends of Bigots smile straight ahead, unperturbed.
DISEMBODIED VOICE: Call Friends of Bigots at 773-###-5309. Remember: the pound signs represent three explicit epithets...
GIL CARLSON: Your kind is even lousier than the Mexicans, you know that?
DISEMBODIED VOICE: Friends of Bigots is now looking to hire a Mexican.
