Bill Jartz in Jorts Plays Jarts

Jartz in jorts, with a Jart

KEWAUNEE, Wis.—

Notable news anchor Bill Jartz surprised partygoers at Jim and Barb Schneider’s home on Sunday. Clad in jorts and toting a box of Jarts, Jartz stunned a group of locals in the backyard by proclaiming, “Happy Labor Day!” 

Though he was not invited, the Schneiders hurried to make the statewide celeb feel welcome, despite the distrustful barks of their three family dogs. Jim put a fresh patty on the grill and Barb handed Jartz a beer as their unexpected guest cupped his hands to his mouth to project his voice. 

“It is I, Bill Jartz, Action 2 News! I have come here in jorts to play Jarts. And this is only the beginning!”  

Those in attendance puzzled over these remarks as Jartz mingled, swatting men on the back, vigorously hugging women, and tussling the hair of frightened children. (Thankfully, one boy, Colin, summoned his courage to draw pictures of Jartz from a safe distance as record of the scene.)  

Picture drawn by Colin.

Bags toss, not Jarts, was the game of choice for a quartet of the Schneiders’ friends, but Jartz abruptly moved the two platforms in play to make way for his Jarts targets. Bags toss enthusiast Jane Goebel reflected on the incident. 

“I guess it was neat to meet a TV weatherman or whatever he is, but I’d never played Jarts before. Jartz did explain the rules of Jarts to everybody twice, but personally, I’d rather toss some bags.”

Six beers, three cheeseburgers, and one hour later, partygoers were taken aback when Jartz took out a pair of scissors and insisted that Jim Schneider “stand still!” as he began sheering his blue jeans into jorts. 

“That got weird real fast,” Mr. Schneider stated afterwards. “He’s gone now, right?” 

After "jortsing" the man's jeans, Jartz made another speech, this time to announce his plans to “take this shindig on the road” and crash a party every Labor Day in a different Wisconsin city, “everywhere from Fond du Lac to—I don’t know... North Fond du Lac.” 

The steely jawed local TV star went on to state he “just got this awesome idea” to found a charity for kids who have been injured in Jarts-related mishaps called “Jartz & Minds,” a Make-a-Wish-like endeavor founded on Jartz’ promise to play Jarts in jorts with kids who have been injured in Jarts-related mishaps, as long as “the weather is nice enough for jorts.” 

On his way back to his truck, ignoring suggestions about a cab or Uber, Jartz produced a sharpie and autographed the wing of a Jart for one “lucky girl” named Anna. Jartz, his jorts and all but one of his Jarts included, peeled out and weaved through traffic moments later. When reached for comment, the seven-year-old frowned at the Jart in her hands. 

“Is this going to be like evidence for the police?” she wondered.