FOND DU LAC, WI— Furthering his reputation for bothering bar patrons, an area man has once again inserted upwards of fifteen dollars into a jukebox so that he alone could enjoy music from the Sammy Hagar era of Van Halen.
Chad Stoobler,
a 37-year-old welder and jagoff, was most recently spotted at O’Davey’s Pub
shortly after 11 pm on Saturday, May 14th. With his typical insipid
swagger, Stoobler barged through the front door with cash in hand and strutted toward
the jukebox.
“Time
to crank this party up a notch!” Stoobler said.
The
jagoff was unfazed by groans from tavern mainstays who have become all-too-familiar
with his buffoonery. Upon noticing the pest, bartender Jason Ramirez was
likewise crestfallen.
“I
was coming up from the basement with a fresh case of Pabst,” Ramirez recalled.
“There had been no music playing—just a ballgame or something. I saw him in
front of the Touchscreen, the back of his head glimmering like Fool’s Gold… And
that’s when I knew we were all fucked.”
After
making the first of his 25 Van Hagar selections in an act of borderline
inhumanity, Stoobler turned to address his crowd of naysayers.
“I
got a question for y’all!” he screamed in his infuriatingly nasal voice. “‘Why
Can’t This Be Love?!’”
Among
others, Stoobler was jeered in vain by long-time O’Davey’s supporter Amanda
Hatch.
“I
said to myself, ‘No, this can’t be happening. Not again.’ He pulled this same
stunt when I was at Ziggy’s last month, and at Slim & Chubby’s sometime
before that,” she paused to finish her Brandy Sour. “That jagoff better not be
stalking me.”
Other
sources confirmed Stoobler as a wandering nuisance unwilling to centralize his
passion for shitty Van Hagar to one bar for the good of the drinking community.
Eye witnesses include Joel Gudex, who has stated that the jagoff’s antics have
persisted as far back as October.
“My
buddies and I were having a good time at 1848 when this jagoff stormed in,” Gudex
said. “Next thing I know, we’re being force-fed that song ‘Poundcake.’ He even tried
to get a chant going: ‘When I say Red,
you say Rocker! Red!’ No response.
‘Red!’ Nothing. ‘Red!’ ‘Dude, fuck off!’”
Known
for fingering the countertop as though it were a piano throughout the overture
of “Right Now,” the incorrigible jagoff has also drawn resentment from more
affable pub-goers. Classic rock aficionado Jen Escher peaceably went so far as
to admit, “‘Finish What Ya Started’ was pretty decent, I guess.” But her
diplomatic efforts were wasted on Stoobler.
“A
few weeks ago I tried meeting him halfway,” she said regretfully. “I darted to
the jukebox before he could get there and put on some hits from the David Lee
Roth years. ‘You can be next,’ I told him. ‘Best of both worlds, right?’ Nope.
He got this psychotic look on his face, gave me thumbs down, and kept repeating
the word ‘Overrated.’ It goes to show you: he really is a hopeless jagoff.”
Ramirez
has added testimony to this account.
“He
started botching choruses by going, ‘Daaaaance
This Song Is Gay.’ It was really disgusting—so she dumped her drink on him. But
this jagoff—he took his shirt off and started wringing it into his mouth,
saying, ‘Mmmm, free booze.’”
On the evening of Stoobler’s
latest assault on good taste, a despondent Ramirez watched as his clientele progressively
thinned out. The jagoff never wavered in banging his head while tunelessly
parroting trite lines such as, “Reach for the golden ring/ Reach for the sky!”
Ramirez
thought he was due for a reprieve at one o’clock in the morning when Stoobler
closed his tab and jingled the keys of his scarlet ’89 Skylark. Before returning
to his home in the country, the jagoff promised that they were hearing the last
of his Van Hagar songs and that it was “time to hit the highway.”
“Sure
hope I don’t get no speeding ticket,” he said with a wink.
Momentary silence made the
barkeep let out a sigh that lasted a mere second. The jagoff pulled the door
closed and flipped his middle finger to the opening sounds of solo Hagar’s “I
Can’t Drive 55.”
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