Ten Replies to My City Being Called Lazy

(This will be posted by Milwaukee's Shepherd Express sooner or later. I couldn't wait.)

As you might know, Milwaukee was once slandered by Homer Simpson in an episode about America’s most overweight city. If it’s any consolation, Homer is not always an accurate source of facts, and as for me, my intent is not to taunt; I’m here to commiserate. In an article posted on 24/7 Wall St. titled “The Laziest City in Each State,” my home of Fond du Lac was pegged with that dubious distinction.  

The study was posted a while back, on November 20^th, and I meant to write this rebuttal sooner, but you know... Naps. 

Thankfully, all those naps have at last unclouded my mind, and I’m determined to defend my city. I’m pretty jacked for a counterattack, and the best part is, 24/7 Wall St. will never see it coming since they assume I’m too much of a deadbeat to fight back.

     

It’s a shame how people can get skewered by judgments just because internet lists are so addictive. But, on the other hand: Revenge. So, let’s all judge the foibles of those mudslinging list-makers who supposedly know everything about the stock market and which cities are lazy. (‘Cause those two areas of expertise are basically the same, right?!) Here’s a list composed by a shockingly motivated man from Fond du Lac:

"TRTMCBCL"

(^ I used this catchy abbreviation 'cause I didn't wanna go through the hassle of typing the entire title all over again, you know?!^)

10.) The population of the city of Fond du Lac is about 43,000, but the article claims our population is 101,577—which more closely resembles the number of people living in Fond du Lac County. Cities and counties are by no means one and the same, so their tally is off by nearly 60,000. Nobody likes being slandered in light of shoddy research and poor focus. They ought to be ashamed of themselves at 247Walleyes.com. 

9.) The notion that it took four authors to write this one article is pretty ironic. I’ll bet the quartet was formed after the first writer said, “Oh man, this is too much work.” So instead of overachieving and devoting extra time to exposing American laziness in ten-thousand words, the workload got divided by both the Mason-Dixon Line and the Mighty Mississippi, until each writer only had to do a brief summary of like 12-and-a-half states. That’s lazy!

8.) My birthplace is deemed “the least active in a particularly active state.” What a joke. That’s like being called the least-talented member of the Jackson-5. Even if we’re not getting much hype, we’re content to spin, grin, and pluck our bass while the intense spotlight consumes Michael. That’s what being from a middling Midwest city is all about.

7.) The study reports that our adults feel unhealthy 2.9 days every month. Fools! Those are just hangover days. And frankly, I’m pleasantly surprised to see our hangover totals are kind of low. Looks like I don’t know as many alcoholics as I thought I did! We should get a keg to celebrate.

6.) Most Fond du Lac residents are active. Many have gym memberships. Others hunt and fish. Some prefer volleyball. Personally, when my workday is done, I’ve been known to rock the Shake Weight. Speaking as a casual fan of exercise, I am so comfortable admitting that I pumped the Shake Weight a handful of times last week in spite of the putdowns I might receive for endorsing a product so readily associated with masturbation. (Notice I didn’t call it something crude like “jacking off” or "punching the clown." Because contrary to the bad press, I assure you, I am not a boorish slob.) 

5.) OK, the name of the site is 24/7 Wall St. That suggests they’re focused on Wall Street 24 hours a day, seven days a week, leaving no time whatsoever to do a credible account of another subject such as the laziest city in each state. These go-getters were so constantly immersed in Wall St. that they couldn’t spare a minute to double-check our population on Wikipedia.

4.) Even if there’s a modicum of truth in these accusations, indolence is not the worst flaw. It’s certainly not the most dangerous. Our city’s rates of theft and murder aren’t very high, and maybe that’s because laziness helps reduce crime. It’s really easy for cops to chase down and arrest a perpetrator whose “getaway car” is a Rascal Scooter.

3.) FdL county’s villages and towns went unscathed despite the fact that their populations were added to that of our city’s. By that logic, an out-of-shape person from Brandon is making the city of Fond du Lac look bad even though these areas are separated by 18 miles. I’m not saying it’s right to dump on the likes of Mount Calvary, Campbellsport, or Calumet, but there is some kind of sloth-taxation-without-representation sham happening here.

2.) The article claims that “Populations with higher levels of education are often more physically active.” Accordingly, it seems the most glaring factor in FdL’s lethargy is its low percentage of residents who possess a bachelor’s degree. At this point, I feel like we’re being called both lazy and stupid by self-righteous New Yorkers we’ve never met. If I wasn’t so bogged down with Golden Girls reruns, I’d ride east fifteen-hundred miles on a mountain bike to tell the staff at 24/7 they’ve besmirched the wrong city. (Plus I could bring along some of the classics from my own personal library. You know, to burn for campfires at night.) Until then, I’ll get the word out from my laptop. With help from the true giant of social media. Myspace.

1.) Finally, our obesity rate (or “fat stat,” to the layperson) is slightly higher than the state average. I’m 5’8”, 142 lbs. Built like a hairy ninth-grader, I’m clearly not part of the problem, but I can help. Running from a mob of fatsos I’ve angered with fat jokes is a fine way to burn calories. And when I reach total exhaustion after three-quarters of a mile, I’ll face that mob and announce, “Wait a second, don't you see? We’re being active, guys! We did it!” Then we’ll all bask in the love that was so sorely lacking in “The Laziest City in Each State.”

     

Hopefully I’ve convinced some Milwaukee readers that our cities can bond over the unfair criticism we’ve received. Although in Milwaukee’s case, getting roasted by one of Homer’s zingers might actually be an honor. Unlike having some Wolf of Wall Street dudes call you lazy when they’re too careless to make sure they got their facts right.

In your face, 247Walleyes.com.