V for Vegandetta

There's a pertinent issue we all have to address at a certain point, and while my stance differs from the real pioneers of the movement, I do appreciate their vigor and relentlessness. Their trumpeting of the issue has convinced me of the need to self-identify, and so the time has come for me to demand everyone's attention and make a huge announcement. The whole world needs to know that I am not a vegan.

With so much awareness being raised about the issue, from sources ranging from vegans on social media to every vegan you've ever talked to for as little as five seconds, I've come to realize how important it is to declare that your diet consists of no animal products. Or, if you're like me, to declare that it does consist of animal products. Either way, self-identifying as a vegan or not is crucial. Your diet is everyone's business, so you might want to buy a megaphone or two.

We all have a duty to congratulate ourselves for saying no to meat. And if otherwise, to congratulate ourselves for saying yes. The point is, whether you savor succulent T-bone steaks grilled to perfection on warm summer nights, or you refer to dairy farmers as “murderers,” we're in this together as long as we know where we stand on the issue. And it doesn't hurt to keep reminding people if we're vegans or not just in case they forgot. For instance, I myself am not a vegan. See? That was easy.

Let's keep the communication in heavy circulation, vegans. And the same goes for you, non-vegans. We all need to shout it from a mountain top if we don't condone the butchery of animals—or conversely, if we do, since many of those animals are downright delicious. Whether you're a vegan who likes to binge on American Spirits and cocaine, or your brunch at Burger King is regularly interrupted by the Heimlich maneuver, feel free to criticize the dietary choices of others. That goes for everyone!

I don't want to start a full-blown, silly little war between the two factions so much as I crave a friendly competition. Let's all get the word out and make it known. Vegans have set outstandingly high marks of obviousness, so my fellow non-vegans and I have a staggering amount of work to play catch-up. And I'm here to dispense wisdom. For starters, when I introduce myself to others, I make it a point to declare myself a non-vegan ASAP. 

“Hello there, Annabelle. My name is Nick. I'm not a vegan, I like naps, and it sure is nice to meet you.”

If for some reason I can't immediately tell someone my true feelings on the issue, I search for other opportunities, such as when I'm asked what my hobbies are. “Straight up devouring meat 'cause I'm not a vegan.” Mundane questions may also lead to the big reveal, even something as banal as, “What's the score of the game?” “Who cares about sports in a world with so much meat to eat?! Bottom line, as I've mentioned to Annabelle, I'm not a vegan, bro.”

I want to live on a planet full of food snobs. You think your eating choices are better than mine? Well, don't just think it, SAY IT! Tell me why the simple act of munching on bacon makes me a disappointing savage. Or a hero! Whether vegan or non-vegan (and I am of the latter just in case I haven't been clear about that), we all deserve to have our butts kicked or caressed based on what we eat.

What does the future hold for the V/ NV crusade? I've been considering some progressive notions. I'm a proponent of bold and blatant forehead tattoos to brand individuals as a “VEGAN” or a “NON-VEGAN” (which is what I am). That way, someone like me can get a constant visual reminder while conversing with a vegan as he or she touts the virtues of being a vegan, and vice versa, when they spot me coming their way with my NON-VEGAN skull tatt, they can start making a mental note of all the guilt-tripping documentaries about animal abuse I should watch in order to prove I've got a shred of human decency.

If that idea is too subtle, let's discuss some other options. Consider Vegan Tourette's. It's a condition that causes the afflicted to compulsively blurt out the merits of cow-sympathy and whatnot. It affects 92% of vegans. If the opposition (which does indeed include me, I should add) could muster a Non-Vegan Tourette's rate that's anywhere close to that mark of preachy excellence, all of humanity could get one step closer to answering the ultimate question of our existence: Are you willing to choke down tofu? 

I'm not, but I do have a certain amount of respect for vegans. Their passion is genuine, and without their persistence, I never would have thought to self-identify as a non-vegan with so much moxie. 

So, thank you, vegans. I hope we can coexist peacefully without anybody getting doused in pig's blood christened by the head of PETA. And I hope for a better outcome than the worst-case scenario, but God forbid, if a full-blown, silly little war ever does erupt between my side and yours, I suppose we've all picked our sides for good or ill. And I must say, if the animal kingdom could be trained to fight, if a chicken could be taught to shoot a machine gun or a cow could somehow use its moos to shoot laser beams...

There's no denying they'd be fighting on your side. And if I someday get eaten by a pig, what the hell, I will gladly embrace the irony of knowing that I had it coming.