White Knows Candy

Four people sit behind a news desk, half-encircled by a camera crew. Only one of the four is a regular on television. His name is Marshall Storm, an anchorman known for badgering those he interviews with rude and prying questions. To his right, Mookie gestates peevishly. The middle of the panel is occupied by a wide-screen TV that displays a vexed and nonplussed Bill Cosby via satellite. To the right of anchorman Marshall Storm is Skip White, the frazzled and controversial owner of a local candy shop. Beside Mr. White, a fairly attractive but stern woman named Susan Grace glowers at him through wire-rimmed glasses.

Marshall Storm: Welcome to Hard Focus. I'm Marshall Storm. Grant Barker has the night off again; he was, if you recall, fired two months ago. Tonight the Hard Focus is cast on Skip White, owner of White's Candy Shop, a local business that has become the subject of controversy.

Skip White: There's that word again: Controversy. Skip White is now public enemy number one. I don't get it. I've done nothing wrong.

Susan Grace: On the contrary, Mr. White, what you've done is wrong and irresponsible.

Mookie: Yeah! You lied to me, Whitey.

Marshall Storm: Those are the outbursts of Susan Grace, concerned mother and moral crusader, and Mookie, a disgruntled cocaine addict. And joining us via satellite is a more esteemed African-American who serves as proof that Channel 6 in no believes all black people are like Mookie. Warm greetings to wholesome comedian and children's doctor: Bill Cosby. A living legend.

Bill Cosby: What? Doctor? No, that was just a character I played on the TV...say, what does this have to do with me? I heard some talk about a candy shop and drugs. What's all this about?

Marshall Storm: (bursts with laughter) Great stuff as always, Bill—and a fine segue, too. Let's take a look at Mr. White's latest commercial.

Skip White stands preening behind a display case of boxes of chocolate. A large spool of licorice, wound-up like a garden hose, can be seen over his shoulder.

Skip White: Greetings, candy fans! I'm Skip White. You know, people can buy a candy-bar just about anywhere these days, but what really makes my shop stand out is that I'm a certified expert on candy. The teenager in the baggy pants at the Wal-Whatever—has he memorized every single ingredient in Sweet Tarts? What about the heavyset fellow with the tattoos at the gas station—is he gonna explain to you the difference between Starbursts and Mambas? Heck no. You get the picture; I'm like a candy-sage. If you've got a craving for the stuff, you can trust me. Like my slogan says, I promise you: White Knows Candy!

Whoa. I changed the format so much on this story; it's remarkably better to the extent that it'll blow your fucking mind all the way to Heaven, where God will say, "Welcome my son, or daughter," and hand you an eBook copy of More Stories, and Additional Stories all over again.