Writers Love and Hate Words Too Much

I’m in the words business. When someone tells me I can earn $25 for a 1,000-word column, my eyes light up and I scream, “Two and a half cents per word? Holy Fuck, where do I sign up?” With so much cash at stake, writers can’t help but scrutinize their words. Some words disturb our nerves, others flicker with delight, and a select five words are so damn interesting that some guy decided to write a humor column about them. That guy’s name is me.

Turd: My least favorite word is “turd.” Despite the cheap rhyme, the word “turd” lends me the first two sentences of this paragraph, I have a queasy reaction to this synonym for excrement. Hearing this word spoken or reading it in print is the visceral equivalent of splashing around in a pool of rusty nails. One of my favorite authors dropped “turd” in a short story, and I was so jolted that I set the book down and tore open a pack of moist towelettes. A writer that uses the word “turd” in his prose has the effect of a bride saying the word “douchebag” in her wedding vows. The future Mrs. Norbert Oogelsteen will no doubt have to fight the urge to do this. (Give me a high-five for self-deprecation. YEAH!)

It’s not that I have qualms with obscenities. When used properly, swear words boost the gusto and intensity of language. The phrase “taking a s***” has no adverse effect on me, although I much prefer “dump” in place of “s***”. “Turd” is a different story, however, and I could never love a woman who has uttered this hideous word more than 50 times in her life.

It pains me to realize that I couldn’t express my distaste for the word “turd” without seeing it in print almost a dozen times. Up until now, I’ve refrained from using “turd” in a column, not even when describing an incident in which a mental patient dug her hand into a dirty toilet. Someone asked me what sort of illness this mental patient suffered from, and my guess was “Doodoofondle-itis,” which, for me, is more preferable than its joke alternative, “Turd-gropengitis.”

Can you believe the spell check rejected both “Doodoofondle-itis” AND “Turd-gropengitis”?

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