Burt's Threat

* I changed all the names for this column. A friend of mine told me her bad day got even worse after she read that her real name was used in "Kick His Ass." She recovered, but I've reconsidered the merits of ruining other people's days for the sake of authenticity...and laziness. If it's any consolation (and I'll be using that same phrase a little bit later), the aliases strongly resemble the actual names of the people mentioned in this next lil' ditty.

Unlike the names, the story is true, and I play the part of me.

My friend Marty is angry with me. We're still friends, but he probably won't return my phone call until this weekend, when we're going to the same wedding along with his wife and our friend Mitch. I'm going to ask if it's cool if I drive the four of us to Oshkosh for the wedding of our friends Tom and Elaine. Hopefully that will placate him a bit before I apologize for pointing out where Marty lives to a guy who vowed to shit on his front lawn.

The whole incident makes me feel like a lousy friend. Because of information I supplied to this scum-bag, my friend Marty's front lawn is at a greater risk of getting shit on. If it's any consolation, Marty, I wouldn't have told the guy where you lived had I known his intentions. Had I known the next words to come out of his mouth would be a threat to shit on your lawn, I would've kept my mouth shut when he asked where you live. Cut me some slack: How was I supposed to know this guy was a vindictive lawn-shitter?

He did look like a scum-bag, I'll admit, and his eyes were glassed-over, which is oftentimes a bad sign. But I remembered him from a few years ago, when he was dating one of your sister's friends. He used to bum around Cameron's garage sometimes when your band was nearing the end of a practice, asking if you guys wanted to drink some beers and hang out with him. He was a gregarious leach of the wannabe rock 'n' roll lifestyle. Shit, I knew he wasn't the most reputable person in town, but I had no idea he was a psychotic lawn-shitter with a score to settle for reasons unknown to me. And furthermore, I didn't know that in his deranged mind there was even a reason for him to shit on your front lawn.

***

Want to read more? Order a copy of "There Will be Blog."

www.xlibris.com/NickOlig.html