Casual Friday

INT. OFFICE

JULIE works inside her cubicle, typing on the computer and smiling contently. Instead of formal attire, she wears a pink t-shirt and sweatpants. Her boss KEITH approaches from behind and softly raps on the wall of her cubicle. He is a stout, cordial man with a beard, clad in a black tuxedo shirt. Julie swivels her chair to face him and beholds his gaudy clothing.

JULIE: Oh, Keith, that shirt is hysterical.

Keith throws up his hands and wiggles his head, nearly spilling some drops from his coffee mug as he does so.

KEITH: Casual Friday!

Julie caresses her cozy sweatpants.

JULIE: It certainly is one of the perks. My boss at the St. Louis branch would never allow sweatpants in the workplace.

KEITH: Oh, the nerve of that fascist. Lord knows distributing Fanny-Packs is serious business, but our philosophy is that if we didn't grant our workers a fun reprieve once a week, this place would turn into an unpleasant nut-house.

Julie grabs her lunch bag and stands up.

JULIE: That is such a refreshing attitude. Excuse me, I'm going to punch out for my lunch break.

KEITH: The heck you are! On Casual Friday, we kick all those strict policies right out the window. You sit back down and enjoy that meal. And make some cash while you're at it, kiddo.

JULIE: Wow. Thank you so much.

Before sitting back down, she throws up her hands and wiggles her head in playful mimicry of her boss.

JULIE: Casual Friday!

KEITH: Casual Friday!

STEVE walks into frame behind Keith, dressed like a member of the Sex Pistols. A necktie dangles from his zipper and he wears a trucker hat with a crude slogan stitched into it. He spots the apple Julie pulls from her lunch bag.

STEVE: Hey, new girl, will you gimme that apple?

JULIE: Uh...sure thing, Steve. I brought enough to share some. Savor the flavor; it's ripe and delicious.

STEVE: (accepting apple) Oh, I'm not gonna eat it. I'm not hungry. But I've got a hunch that'll change in about twenty minutes, if you catch my drift.

He laughs and nudges Keith.

STEVE: Hey boss, you got cigarettes, right?

Keith nods and produces a pack.

KEITH: Here you go. Just try not to light up underneath a smoke detector like you did last Friday.

STEVE: I won't. I just need to roll up some of the aluminum foil in here.

KEITH: Say, can you have those reports on my desk before four o'clock?

STEVE: I'll have those precious reports on your desk when I'm damn good and ready. How does that sound?

KEITH: What? How dare you speak to me that way!

STEVE: Casual Friday!

Those magic words placate the boss. All is forgiven as Steve darts away.

KEITH: God bless that knucklehead!

JULIE: (fazed) Well, that was certainly...bold of him.

KEITH: Yes, ma'am. On Casual Friday, the jesting is not always for the faint of heart. Steve in particular doesn't pull any punches. Last Friday he emptied a garbage can over my head while I was sitting on the toilet in the men's bathroom.

JULIE: What an awful thing to do!

KEITH: Tell me about it. Monday through Thursday I'd have fired him on the spot.

Keith takes a flask from his pocket and empties it into his coffee mug.

JULIE: What are you drinking? Is that...is that booze?

KEITH: No. Well, not entirely. I'm mixing it with cola.

A flush-faced and shirtless JEREMY enters the scene. On his bare chest are smears of lipstick. He holds a copied document in his hands.

JEREMY: Boss, I'm sorry you're not sitting down. I'm afraid I have some rather serious news to deliver. A jumbo Fanny-Pack that was advertised as “100% suffocation-proof” took the lives of ten handicapped boys yesterday. The grieving families are all threatening lawsuits and...well, the whole mess is detailed in this document.

Suddenly queasy, Keith accepts the copy face-down. Julie likewise shows grave concern. Keith turns the copy upright and bursts into relieved laughter.

KEITH: Wrongful death lawsuits, he says! Check it out, Julie: It's just a copy of a woman's bare ass!

Keith proudly displays the picture to Julie, who is not amused.

JEREMY: Casual Friday!

KEITH: You scoundrel!

JEREMY: You know it. Okay, enough kidding around, boss. Listen, Sue the secretary has been giving me the green light all day long. Do you have a rubber?

KEITH: Oh, of course. You got it, Jeremy.

He reaches in his other pocket for a condom and hands it to Keith.

Julie exhales with a righteous shudder.

JULIE: You're giving him a—What is wrong with you?

Jeremy takes offense to this question.

JEREMY: “What the hell is wrong with me?” I don't want to get Sue the secretary pregnant, okay? How is that wrong?

Keith delicately points to a conspicuous sore on the corner of Jeremy's mouth.

KEITH: Yeah, plus you've got that...

JEREMY: Yeah! (points to sore) Exhibit B. In the case of why I asked my boss for a condom.
With that he storms out of view.

JULIE: Keith. You're my employer and I respect that, but the things you allow on Casual Friday go far beyond—

Her lecture is interrupted by loud reggae music blaring from Steve's cubicle. Furious, she stands atop her chair and inspects over the dividing wall. The sight she beholds makes her even more irritated. She returns to her seat and addresses her boss.

JULIE: One of your employees is smoking pot out of an apple.

KEITH: He's smoking pot out of an apple? That's absurd! I told him last week he could borrow my pipe.

JULIE: I thought all employees were subject to random drug tests.

KEITH: That's true. Chuck is in charge of that, but he's only here once a week.

CHUCK strolls by, his attention focused on a Gameboy.

CHUCK: (groans) Enough of the square pieces; I need a damn long piece to get out of this clusterfuck!

JULIE: Keith, I think you're a bit confused about the definition of the word “casual.”

KEITH: What do you mean? “Casual” just entails all the things you'd do in the privacy of your own home that aren't acceptable in certain public places—like work, for example.

JULIE: This is insane. You are encouraging...decadence in the workplace, which is by no means the same thing as casual.

KEITH: (snorts) That's unfair on two levels. First off, you've got no right to scold me just because you don't appreciate the fun perks of Casual Friday. And secondly, I don't even know what "decadence" means, sister.

JULIE: Don't call me “sister.”

KEITH: It's Casual Friday; just be glad I didn't call you a bitch.

Julie is on the verge of an eruption when the wall of her cubicle is rattled in loud repetitions. She stands atop her chair and inspects the ruckus coming from the adjacent cubicle. She is appalled by what she sees. Her head lurches back. With subdued rage, she glowers at Keith.

JULIE: (icy and deliberate) Jeremy and Sue the Secretary are having sex in his cubicle.

KEITH: No way!

He hops on top of Julie's desk and peers down intently. Julie remains standing, in a near-paralyzed stupor.

JULIE: Having sex in an office, top of a desk, in plain view of others, while you should be working, is, to say the least, inappropriate. And it should be grounds for termination.

KEITH: Julie, I am in total agreement with you. This type of lewd behavior is unacceptable...

Julie releases a big sigh of validation and nods eagerly.

KEITH: ...On Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays.

She hangs her head and smears her face with her hand, dejected and stupefied.

Keith offers her the concoction in his coffee mug.

KEITH: You want a taste?

She takes the mug, tilts the handle, and chugs down the last drop.

FADE OUT: