Rating systems are important to the neurotic mind. They help solidify an opinion, and neurotics love having opinions. Say you watched a movie and its awesomeness knocked your ass into next Sunday. Which of the following phrasings is more captivating? “I really liked the movie ‘Dumb & Dumber,’” or “Out of a possible 10, I give that outrageous comedy nine whoopee cushions.” If you have a soul, the latter is the obvious answer. To make a tired point: “Dumb & Dumber” is hilarious and whoopee cushions make me giggle.
The 10 Whoopee Cushion rating system is admittedly cool, but my favorite method of categorization is the Sixty-nine Fist Pumps system. Here’s how it works: many fist pumps means I really like something; not many fist pumps means I really dislike something. Why is sixty-nine the pinnacle for fist pumps? Because sometimes I indulge in low-brow humor.
Don’t change the channel, reader, because I’m going to provide a list of numbered fist pumps that corresponds to my appreciation level for various stuff. For the record, much of what follows is hypothetical. Which goes to show that, although it’s not mentioned on the official list, imagination gets the full Sixty-nine Fist Pumps.
69. A nice session of sweet love-making with Scarlett Johansson. Unfortunately, this remains an optimistic and hypothetical occassion.
68. Somewhat ironically, mutual oral sex with Scarlett Johansson. I just think she’s hot, OK?
67. Cubs win World Series. Mark Grace comes out of retirement for game seven against the Yankees and drives in four runs in the DH spot. And the ghost of Harry Carrey appears during victory celebration a la Obi Wan Kenobi at conclusion of “Return of the Jedi.”
66. Front row seats at a Radiohead concert. The opening act is Christopher Walken doing a puppet show.
65. “NBA Jam: Tournament Edition,” of course.
64. W. Bush gets impeached during the third week of his well-publicized “Hee-Haw” binge.
63. Lover that agrees the following things are generally overrated: Muscles, hair, confidence (which is indeed important, but uncomfortably close to conceit, for my money), above-average height, and “Family Guy.”
62. Drunken Toby Keith wets his pants onstage at Country Music Awards. Also, he insults all minorities, then slips on his own puddle of urnine and falls down hard.
61. A vigorous hug from the Advance-Titan’s Kate Briquelet.
60. A vigorous hug from the Advance-Titan’s Laura Frank. (I hope you’re not jealous, Laura. It really boiled down to who gave me a hug most recently.)
59. Niko’s Gyros delivers me a free meal every day of my life. The delivery boy is a dude wearing a ‘70s era Batman costume.
58. Modern video game console releases the sports title “Tecmo Bowl ’06.” The game is sold for $1.99 and it doesn’t disappoint.
57. Cuddling made an Olympic Sport. Within months, I appear on the cover of “Sports Illustrated.”
56. Chris Farley and Phil Hartman miraculously come back to life and headline a sketch comedy show.
55. Length of wait in line for roller-coasters determined by overall visibility of dimples. I don’t think I need to explain this one.
54. A significant reduction of my leg hair.
53. Scientists announce they have discovered a new venereal disease, and they are naming it after that colossal douche that produces those “Girls Gone Wild” videos.
52. Bill O’Reilly forced to live in a Bronx ghetto for an entire year. His misadventure is of course filmed and it becomes a hit reality show.
51. Women across the globe come to their senses and realize mustaches are much cooler than pink shirts.
50. Lunch at a fancy restaurant with Larry David and the ghost of Hunter S. Thompson.
49. A half-hour make-out session with SNL’s Tina Fey.
48. Decline in bumper stickers created by unforeseen skyrocket in price.
47. Similar to Conan’s “Walker: Texas Ranger” lever, a device in my living room that plays random snippets of “Trapped in the Closet” and the obscure ‘80s piece of rubbish “Body Slam.”
46. That ham-and-chese omelet I ate at IHOP a few months ago. It was pretty tasty.
45. Pro-athletes Barry Bonds and Terrell Owens play a game of chicken on mopeds in a narrow alleyway to determine which of the two is more arrogant. The loser gets hit in the face by a Wiffle bat wielded by a modest athlete such as Cal Ripken Jr. or Barry Sanders. The winner gets pepper-sprayed by me.
44. Beer available at vending machines on campus. (I actually wrote a letter to the chancellor lobbying for this advancement. Keep your fingers crossed, campus.)
43. Someone other than me washes the frickin’ dishes at my apartment.
42. Every March, a schizophrenic hallucination appears to me a la “A Beautiful Mind.” He fills out my taxes, wishes me luck, and then vanishes until the next year.
41. Rock band Weezer apologizes to fans of their earlier albums who foolishly bought a copy of “Make Believe.”
40. Helping to interview actor/comedian David Cross over the telephone.
39. Cast of “Friends” reunited and boarded onto a spaceship. Destination: anywhere but planet earth.
38. World peace declared by all nations.
37. Neck-ties. I find them tedious and completely unnecessary.
36. America caves in and converts to the metric system. Honestly, I could go either way on this issue.
35. Indifference. I mean--pick a side, man! But on the other hand...who gives a shit?
34. The mumps revival is interesting, but for the most part, I’m not a fan of the mumps.
33. I see my crappy stereo fall victim to spontaneous combustion. It would be a dazzling sight, but on the other hand, Nick needs his tunes.
32. A minority of college students continue to watch dumbass reality shows on MTV.
31. “Jeopardy” host Alex Trebek tracks me down at a local bar and begs for my e-mail address so we can keep in touch. Oh, don’t even get me started on that uppity dork.
30. Girlfriend that nags me to watch “Sex and the City” DVDs every Sunday night.
29. Cataclysmic tornadoes.
28. Remember those high-stress tornado drills in grade school? God, those were unbearable. (You heard it here first. According to my rating system, Tornado drills are in fact worse than actual tornadoes.)
27. A vicious bear-hug from the Advance-Titan’s Nick Gumm, followed by beard-muffled accusations that I am lazy.
26. Helping to interview actor/comedian David Cross over the phone and not being credited in print with the questions I asked him. Ahem.
25. The telemarketer profession inexplicably doubles in popularity.
24. A week-straight of Little League-related nightmares, including my streak of five consecutive tee-ball strikeouts, which nearly got me disowned by my parents.
23. My 23rd birthday was punctuated by a 23 fist pump salute from some friends.
22. The remote control runs out of juice as I’m flipping through the stations and I get stuck watching the unspeakably-boring Golf Channel for three hours.
21. Waking up next to a girl who changed into a clown costume while I was sleeping. I roll over to give her a kiss and…DEAR GOD, A CLOWN! (Editor’s note: They all float down here, Olig. Heh, heh.)
20. People start referring to me as “Slow-lig,” which occurred from time-to-time in high school.
19. Cubs’ marquee players continue to battle the injury bug. (In 2006, mind you.)
18. Getting stung by a hornet on the foot on the only day of the year that I wore sandals.
17. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld vomits bile onto the Constitution and then rewrites his own version using blood from a sacrificial puppy.
16. Trapped inside an elevator with a half-dozen rabid squirrels. My screams are drowned-out by a live bootleg from the jam band Phish.
15. Jellybeans. I just think they’re disgusting.
14. The Beastie Boys retire.
13. The maddening beep noise that occurs when you're knocking on death's door, desperate to obtain a cartoon heart in the Nintendo game "Zelda."
12. Following a cruel twist of fate, I become Donald Trump’s indentured servant.
11. Garden Gnomes. They should all be rounded up and destroyed by rednecks with illegal fireworks.
10. “The Ten Commandments.” I mean the movie, not the Biblical document. What a snoozer!
9. The high-pitched squeal of a large group of drunk women. You know that earsplitting din? It’s painful to listen to. So cut it out.
8. For some reason the court orders me to log in ten hours per week at Winger’s Bar on Wisconsin Street. Seriously, if you never tire of singing along to “Pour Some Sugar on Me,” I don’t want to hang out with you.
7. Canker-sores.
6. Any song in which a city-dweller compares himself to a cowboy, or wonders where all the cowboys have gone.
5. The Yankees win the World Series.
4. Getting shot in the kneecaps by former Van Halen singer David Lee Roth. While I’m writhing around on the ground, bloodied and hollering, he exclaims, “Bippity-Bop!”
3. After death, I get sent to hell and the rumor is true: The Port-o-potties are not cleaned with great regularity.
2. The results from the 2000 presidential election.
1. The apocalypse.
0. The results from the 2004 presidential election.
The 10 Whoopee Cushion rating system is admittedly cool, but my favorite method of categorization is the Sixty-nine Fist Pumps system. Here’s how it works: many fist pumps means I really like something; not many fist pumps means I really dislike something. Why is sixty-nine the pinnacle for fist pumps? Because sometimes I indulge in low-brow humor.
Don’t change the channel, reader, because I’m going to provide a list of numbered fist pumps that corresponds to my appreciation level for various stuff. For the record, much of what follows is hypothetical. Which goes to show that, although it’s not mentioned on the official list, imagination gets the full Sixty-nine Fist Pumps.
69. A nice session of sweet love-making with Scarlett Johansson. Unfortunately, this remains an optimistic and hypothetical occassion.
68. Somewhat ironically, mutual oral sex with Scarlett Johansson. I just think she’s hot, OK?
67. Cubs win World Series. Mark Grace comes out of retirement for game seven against the Yankees and drives in four runs in the DH spot. And the ghost of Harry Carrey appears during victory celebration a la Obi Wan Kenobi at conclusion of “Return of the Jedi.”
66. Front row seats at a Radiohead concert. The opening act is Christopher Walken doing a puppet show.
65. “NBA Jam: Tournament Edition,” of course.
64. W. Bush gets impeached during the third week of his well-publicized “Hee-Haw” binge.
63. Lover that agrees the following things are generally overrated: Muscles, hair, confidence (which is indeed important, but uncomfortably close to conceit, for my money), above-average height, and “Family Guy.”
62. Drunken Toby Keith wets his pants onstage at Country Music Awards. Also, he insults all minorities, then slips on his own puddle of urnine and falls down hard.
61. A vigorous hug from the Advance-Titan’s Kate Briquelet.
60. A vigorous hug from the Advance-Titan’s Laura Frank. (I hope you’re not jealous, Laura. It really boiled down to who gave me a hug most recently.)
59. Niko’s Gyros delivers me a free meal every day of my life. The delivery boy is a dude wearing a ‘70s era Batman costume.
58. Modern video game console releases the sports title “Tecmo Bowl ’06.” The game is sold for $1.99 and it doesn’t disappoint.
57. Cuddling made an Olympic Sport. Within months, I appear on the cover of “Sports Illustrated.”
56. Chris Farley and Phil Hartman miraculously come back to life and headline a sketch comedy show.
55. Length of wait in line for roller-coasters determined by overall visibility of dimples. I don’t think I need to explain this one.
54. A significant reduction of my leg hair.
53. Scientists announce they have discovered a new venereal disease, and they are naming it after that colossal douche that produces those “Girls Gone Wild” videos.
52. Bill O’Reilly forced to live in a Bronx ghetto for an entire year. His misadventure is of course filmed and it becomes a hit reality show.
51. Women across the globe come to their senses and realize mustaches are much cooler than pink shirts.
50. Lunch at a fancy restaurant with Larry David and the ghost of Hunter S. Thompson.
49. A half-hour make-out session with SNL’s Tina Fey.
48. Decline in bumper stickers created by unforeseen skyrocket in price.
47. Similar to Conan’s “Walker: Texas Ranger” lever, a device in my living room that plays random snippets of “Trapped in the Closet” and the obscure ‘80s piece of rubbish “Body Slam.”
46. That ham-and-chese omelet I ate at IHOP a few months ago. It was pretty tasty.
45. Pro-athletes Barry Bonds and Terrell Owens play a game of chicken on mopeds in a narrow alleyway to determine which of the two is more arrogant. The loser gets hit in the face by a Wiffle bat wielded by a modest athlete such as Cal Ripken Jr. or Barry Sanders. The winner gets pepper-sprayed by me.
44. Beer available at vending machines on campus. (I actually wrote a letter to the chancellor lobbying for this advancement. Keep your fingers crossed, campus.)
43. Someone other than me washes the frickin’ dishes at my apartment.
42. Every March, a schizophrenic hallucination appears to me a la “A Beautiful Mind.” He fills out my taxes, wishes me luck, and then vanishes until the next year.
41. Rock band Weezer apologizes to fans of their earlier albums who foolishly bought a copy of “Make Believe.”
40. Helping to interview actor/comedian David Cross over the telephone.
39. Cast of “Friends” reunited and boarded onto a spaceship. Destination: anywhere but planet earth.
38. World peace declared by all nations.
37. Neck-ties. I find them tedious and completely unnecessary.
36. America caves in and converts to the metric system. Honestly, I could go either way on this issue.
35. Indifference. I mean--pick a side, man! But on the other hand...who gives a shit?
34. The mumps revival is interesting, but for the most part, I’m not a fan of the mumps.
33. I see my crappy stereo fall victim to spontaneous combustion. It would be a dazzling sight, but on the other hand, Nick needs his tunes.
32. A minority of college students continue to watch dumbass reality shows on MTV.
31. “Jeopardy” host Alex Trebek tracks me down at a local bar and begs for my e-mail address so we can keep in touch. Oh, don’t even get me started on that uppity dork.
30. Girlfriend that nags me to watch “Sex and the City” DVDs every Sunday night.
29. Cataclysmic tornadoes.
28. Remember those high-stress tornado drills in grade school? God, those were unbearable. (You heard it here first. According to my rating system, Tornado drills are in fact worse than actual tornadoes.)
27. A vicious bear-hug from the Advance-Titan’s Nick Gumm, followed by beard-muffled accusations that I am lazy.
26. Helping to interview actor/comedian David Cross over the phone and not being credited in print with the questions I asked him. Ahem.
25. The telemarketer profession inexplicably doubles in popularity.
24. A week-straight of Little League-related nightmares, including my streak of five consecutive tee-ball strikeouts, which nearly got me disowned by my parents.
23. My 23rd birthday was punctuated by a 23 fist pump salute from some friends.
22. The remote control runs out of juice as I’m flipping through the stations and I get stuck watching the unspeakably-boring Golf Channel for three hours.
21. Waking up next to a girl who changed into a clown costume while I was sleeping. I roll over to give her a kiss and…DEAR GOD, A CLOWN! (Editor’s note: They all float down here, Olig. Heh, heh.)
20. People start referring to me as “Slow-lig,” which occurred from time-to-time in high school.
19. Cubs’ marquee players continue to battle the injury bug. (In 2006, mind you.)
18. Getting stung by a hornet on the foot on the only day of the year that I wore sandals.
17. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld vomits bile onto the Constitution and then rewrites his own version using blood from a sacrificial puppy.
16. Trapped inside an elevator with a half-dozen rabid squirrels. My screams are drowned-out by a live bootleg from the jam band Phish.
15. Jellybeans. I just think they’re disgusting.
14. The Beastie Boys retire.
13. The maddening beep noise that occurs when you're knocking on death's door, desperate to obtain a cartoon heart in the Nintendo game "Zelda."
12. Following a cruel twist of fate, I become Donald Trump’s indentured servant.
11. Garden Gnomes. They should all be rounded up and destroyed by rednecks with illegal fireworks.
10. “The Ten Commandments.” I mean the movie, not the Biblical document. What a snoozer!
9. The high-pitched squeal of a large group of drunk women. You know that earsplitting din? It’s painful to listen to. So cut it out.
8. For some reason the court orders me to log in ten hours per week at Winger’s Bar on Wisconsin Street. Seriously, if you never tire of singing along to “Pour Some Sugar on Me,” I don’t want to hang out with you.
7. Canker-sores.
6. Any song in which a city-dweller compares himself to a cowboy, or wonders where all the cowboys have gone.
5. The Yankees win the World Series.
4. Getting shot in the kneecaps by former Van Halen singer David Lee Roth. While I’m writhing around on the ground, bloodied and hollering, he exclaims, “Bippity-Bop!”
3. After death, I get sent to hell and the rumor is true: The Port-o-potties are not cleaned with great regularity.
2. The results from the 2000 presidential election.
1. The apocalypse.
0. The results from the 2004 presidential election.
1 comment:
I hate Winger's! I didn't like "Pour Some Sugar on Me" to start with, but my experiences at that bar has definently put it near the top of my list of most hated songs.
- Zader
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