In the year 2006, when this article was printed, Super Nintendo game reviewer was ranked the third-least profitable profession in America, ahead of only punchlines one* and two.** I dabbled in the field, but ultimately decided against it since the market was saturated with men-boys who survive on the Pop-tart diet. Super Nintendo reviewers are in less demand than a lesbian bar in Smurfsville.
College provides an outlet and an audience for a variety of obscurities; just ask a philosophy major who once raised his hand in a pit class and spouted off a criticism of the logic behind the Greatest Happiness Principle, years before getting a tattoo that reads, "Where did I go wrong?" (Philosophical Debator is actually #4 on the aforementioned list.)
When I'm dead, they should feel free to stuff a few of the stupid ones*** into the coffin with me.
When my colleagues at the newspaper asked me to write a retro video game review, I had but two questions: "Hell yes, I’ll do it," and, "Does anyone even read those?"
Great sports games usually have more replay value than their action/adventure counterparts. With all due respect to "Metroid" and "Contra," they’re just not as enchanting the second time through. Sports games are also more conducive to two-player showdowns, assuming you have a friend or a drunk uncle to play with, of course.
"NBA Jam Tournament Edition" is easily the most enjoyable basketball title for the Super Nintendo console. Playability for basketball games is often hampered by a clutter of 10 players swarming around in a half-court set. It can get pretty messy. The original "NBA Jam" stripped round-ball down to a two-on-two contest—a marquee duet vs. a marquee duet. The results were amazing.
"NBA Jam" paired the simplistic team setup and permissible violence of Nintendo’s "Arch Rivals" with the aerial acrobatics of a coked-up superhero. The pacing is rapid and never slowed down by tedious foul shots. Game-play basically boils down to passes, dunks, three-pointers, shoves and blocks. Simplicity is beautiful. The sequel surpasses the original. ACT test analogy: "A New Hope" is to "The Empire Strikes Back" as "NBA Jam" is to "NBA Jam Tournament Edition."
The biggest difference is the addition of a third bench player for each team. Stockton and Malone are joined by another white guy. Kemp and Payton are joined by a European stiff. There is one more player on the Milwaukee Bucks that you vaguely remember. A third player is essential because of another new feature: injury ratings. Gone are the days when your character can be shoved around like a scummy kid at a Misfits show without consequence. In "Tournament Edition," your character’s speed and shot-accuracy deteriorate if he has endured too much physical punishment. After a quarter’s-worth of rest, however, they return totally revitalized…just like in real life.
Player attributes are more extensive as well. Each player is rated on a scale of zero-to-nine for eight different categories. Each player has idiosyncratic and distinct strengths and weaknesses. Reggie Miller can hit the three like no other, but on the other hand, I could probably beat him in a fight. Cliff Robinson can crash the boards and throw noggin-rattling elbows, but in clutch situations, he’s about as reliable as a broken alarm clock. Spud Webb can dunk from two time zones away…and that’s pretty much it.
The settings of "T.E." are malleable and liberating. The player can choose from five levels of both difficulty and game speed. In addition, the sequel features optional "hot-spots" and "power-ups." Hot-spots are starred numbers that randomly materialize then quickly vanish on the court. Hitting a shot from that location can be worth as much as (brace yourself, dude) NINE points. Collecting a power-up boosts a specific attribute to a Game Genie-type level. When an uncoordinated monstrosity such as Shawn Bradley stumbles across a three-pointer power-up, he virtually transforms into Larry Bird beyond the arc. From a purist’s perspective, hot-spots and power-ups are decadent and downright unnecessary. They jeopardize the sanctity of "T.E.," and I never turn them on. They lend the game an awful "Dragonball-Z" feeling. Thankfully, "T.E.’s" glaring gimmicks are excluded from the tournament quest.
One-player mode is driven by the challenge of defeating all 29 NBA teams. The gamer first faces futile teams such as the pre-Kevin Garnett T-Wolves and progressively works up to worthy foes such as the Sonics and Knicks. A few of the premier teams from this era are missing their best player. The battles down the home stretch are slightly anti-climactic due to the absence of Shaq Fu, Sir Charles, and #23. All three were peddling games one-tenth the quality of "T.E." at the time. Their absence is conspicuous and disappointing, but hell, I’m not going to cry about it…anymore.
Once you’ve stomped every team in the Association, the real challenge begins. The computer drones become increasingly tenacious, wily, and resilient to shoves. Marquee players are paired with secret characters such as the pony-tailed geeks that created the game. Make no mistake: these vainglorious dweebs are sensational ballers. There’s nothing more humiliating than having your lay-up swatted by a "Trekkie" with a Dream Theater tattoo on his pasty bicep. And I feel morally-conflicted whenever my character connects a vicious elbow shot to the jaw of Mike D. from the Beastie Boys. Likewise, the Beasties’ b-ball skills are slightly embellished.
For two-player showdowns, "Tournament Edition" is incredible. Games last no longer than 15 minutes, the frenzy never relents and last-second buzzer-beaters are a common occurrence. (About a month ago, Tyler Maas stuck a dagger in my heart when he swished the winning three-pointer as time expired. I fell out of my chair, spilled my Miller Lite and cursed the cruel fatalism of the video game gods. Not a pretty sight.) Two-player cooperation is another option, and it makes one wonder why Nintendo 64 half-assed their take on the "NBA Jam" series. A worthwhile 4-player game of "Jam 64" would have brought a smile to my face back in 1997. Alas.
Out of a possible 69, "NBA Jam: Tournament Edition" earns 65 fist pumps. (My rating system is very popular with ninth-grade boys.) Stores such as Game Crazy sell retro games and consoles for cheap prices. If you’re a fan of fast-paced, simplistic sports titles, do yourself a frickin’ favor and purchase this masterpiece.
Indeed.
What does the future hold for reviewers of video games that keep fading deeper into the past? Perhaps Super Nintendo Reviewer will once again become a legitamite career, due to something whimsical like the popularity of VH1's forthcoming "I Love Nostalgia: 1994, part 9." Or maybe people will instead realize that watching VH1 is a colossal waste of time. My prediction? Never bet against VH1, America.
And even if I'm wrong, I could still fit in the occasional Super Nintendo review for charity. Imagine the smile on the face of a terminally ill seven-year-old when I tell him what I think about Donkey Kong Country.****
* Fanny-Pack Merchant
** Rec. League Hacky Sack Referee
*** Like this one, for instance.
****I think it's awesome.
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