Saturday, March 25, 2023
So It's Come to This: Honorable Mentions
More of a Rambling Man than a Simple Man
I turned 40 and time hit me like a jolt on a roller coaster. It's exciting, in a way. And it makes me wanna throw up. My mind is insisting I can put it into words, but then it feels like describing a dream with pinpoint accuracy, hooked up to a lie detector and sweating bullets. It's absurd, like asking a cloud to kindly get inside this balloon I got.
But what I am capable of at the moment is rambling. I'm 40 and I'm a man, a rambling man who rambles on to compete in this year's Royal Ramble. Where I'm gonna throw 29 other ramblers over the top rope.
See, that was a ramble.
***
Of all the outlooks one could have on life, I think the one that irritates me most is when someone says, "Nobody is happy." It's such a weak-ass give-up move. Which is not to say that I am living proof of happiness right now--I'm not--but I personally have known pure happiness as both a child and adult. In adulthood, it's been fleeting, yeah, and taking care of myself has been so hard that it's been very hard to sustain relationships because I also try to take care of someone else, and that's just been borderline impossible for me for the most part... But I have enjoyed pure happiness in the last five years. It lasted about five months, but hey, I'll take it. So when it comes to waving that sad little white flag and fucking tapping out and going, "Welp, no one is happy, so this is fine," fuck that. You don't get to put guaranteed misery on me. That's on you Brah.
Why do we shut our brains off to the tangible science of what is happening to our planet? Like, it makes someone a hippie or they're somehow delusional or melodramatic to be concerned about what people much smarter than the average human are calling a "climate crisis" or "existential threat"? Melting ice caps is a thing. Not a made-up thing, a thing. We need cleaner energy for fuck's sake. Big Oil sucks. Diesel is stupid. The sun and wind are awesome, undervalued because of corporate greed. To have a chance of minimizing the damage, long term, for real. This is a bad habit of humans polluting their home planet without really addressing the consequences. There are consequences. And that's why we shield our eyes from science sometimes. The damage humanity has compiled is so grim.
Memes are overrated. People identify as funny or thoughtful by showing what someone else created. I have indeed meme'd, but it's a lot more rewarding to post my own attempts at jokes and insight. I'd rather fail with my own words than see that a meme I found is doing well in the likes category. Memes are the cheapest form of art. At best, they're pennies, compared to a great film, book, record, show, painting, etc. Real art is worth a solid dollar compared to cheap-ass penny memes.
Y'all say "literally" too much. It's the most overused word on the planet. Almost everything that happens happens in a literal sense. There is no need to clarify. I know I might sound like a pretentious grammar snob on the spectrum here, but it's true. I saw a reel about cute dogs with the preface "You will literally die when you see these adorable dogs." That's poor, misleading language. You will figuratively die when you see adorable dogs. A literal death means viewing cute dogs will stop your heart from beating. Next stop, the morgue. For more about "literally" making me cringe, read the next paragraph.
"I literally went to the Kwik Trip. I was so low on gas, literally on "E." I filled up the tank until it was literally full. But then guess who I saw? It was literally my high school science teacher. My head literally exploded. I said to him, 'I haven't seen you in literally 10 years!'" If you remove a certain shitty adverb from that story, get this: It gets the exact same point across. And it's more concise and less annoying. Grrr.
^I feel like if I was more outspoken about certain things that bug me, people would like me less. I'd be lonelier, more alienated. And I already feel that way too much for comfort. So I keep a lot of it to myself, except when I write. Then I have the freedom to gripe. Ironically, I am alone when I write. And I like it that way.
^Being alone helps me enjoy silence. This world gets so noisy I can barely think or do basic things. Ever since I was a kid, when I heard a motorcycle drive through the neighborhood, my instinctive thought is pleading Please shut up! I've always been sensitive to obnoxious noises that disrupt the beautiful quiet we can experience.
At the same time, I love music. And if it's really loud, well, that's not necessarily a deal-breaker. To hell with motorcycles though. I've never been a cool guy because I can't stand them. No regrets there.
I don't want to be alone, but it keeps happening. Somehow I'm just bad at sustaining long-term relationships with women. It's been an ongoing pain and emptiness that I've struggled with for most of my adult life. I've failed with women so many times that it's hard to stay hopeful and keep trying. I had one woman in my life that I wanted to see, hear, smell, and touch everyday for as long as I lived. She dumped me after like 7 months. That was almost 4 years ago. Memories of regret still haunt me. I could have done more. I could have communicated better, been more assertive. I don't know if I'll ever feel so much emotion for anyone else. Still, the worst narrative my life could have played out would be if I never met her. I don't believe in the Eternal Sunshine solution. I would come home from work, see her curled up on the couch at midnight. I'd wake her up gently and say, "Hey, beautiful." And she'd be in an adorable fog and reply, "Hey, handsome." We'd tell each other about our days, then we'd go to bed. Every day was good for me when we had that together. Every problem was fine. Living with depression and anxiety was fine. "Hey, beautiful," "Hey, handsome" made it all OK.
I know I can be confident and charismatic, even a good leader. I think I'll get one or two more real opportunities, and I'll just have to step up. Getting out of a long slump is something one needs to work on every day. There are no shortcuts. There is no magic aside from love, and love can be heartbreaking.
If you read "Dreams about Dad," I got the perfect ending with Bill... At the same time, it's sad to realize that that means I never have to dream about him again. Best case scenario, I'll see him in the afterlife and give him a hug. Eventually we'll stop crying and get caught up on the Packers. "I know, Rodgers got to be such a diva. Great player, but full of drama. Just like Favre. Is Bart Starr up here? He seems cool." Worst case scenario is a blank screen, and I have no consciousness to be aware of it. How boring is that? I like the imagination of believing in God and Heaven, even though it's downright silly.
Friday, March 3, 2023
Top 40 Lists
As I count down to 40, I don't want to dwell on the downside, but once in a while the passing of time gives me the blues. This winter, I’ve had to rally the troops. And by troops, I mean the endorphins in my brain. Those brave endorphin boys have been battling their hearts out while I wrap my head around being on this planet for almost four decades. Wowza.
I have fun with it though. I can laugh at myself. It's just hard to find that right balance of comedy and drama in this life, ya know?Another way that I rallied the troops was by making these lists. It's kinda weird, but I enjoy messing around in a notebook, focusing on a list. My brain feels like it's just chilling on a nice round of Tetris or a word or puzzle game. The only downside to nerding out on a list is that I'm not using that time to work on stories/ actually get real shit done, in a literal sense, in the real world.
But like I said, I don't want to dwell on the downside.
So, fixating on these lists was a big win for my OCD. For God's sake, I scrutinized the exact order of a bunch of shit that doesn't really matter. But I know where to draw the line, and that's at Honorable Mentions. Picture me as a no-nonsense bouncer wagging my finger to Honorable Mentions tryna enter the club... Alright, that was fun.
Nick's OCD checking out these lists. |
Whoever reads this, I hope you get at least one recommendation that makes your life very slightly more worthwhile. (I mean, a lot more enjoyable would be nice but we gotta manage our expectations.) Best case scenario, my opinion has a positive impact. Which is another way of saying someone gives a shit.
In doing this project, I realized I want to read more books by women and watch more movies by black directors and, you know, grow as a human being and support the art made by people that are different from me. Don't get me wrong, I stand by my ridiculous lists 1,000%, but Holy White Dudes. Just, white dudes, everywhere. Many of them ranging in age from old to dead. The Babe Ruth New York Yankees of history.
It clicked that I have more to learn from women and people of color and so on. I think it's only gonna take a half-century for me to show those signs of growth. Fingers crossed, anyway.
Bands/ Singers
40.) Foo Fighters
39.) Blur
38.) Outkast
37.) Prince
36.) Queen
35.) Black Sabbath
34.) Tame Impala
33.) Smashing Pumpkins
32.) Talking Heads
31.) Creedence Clearwater Revival
30.) Neil Young
29.) Bjork
28.) Sheryl Crow
27.) Van Halen
26.) The Replacements
25.) Jawbreaker
24.) Rage Against the Machine
23.) Queens of the Stone Age
22.) Modest Mouse
21.) Johnny Cash
20.) Bob Dylan
19.) Mac Miller
18.) The Rolling Stones
17.) The Ramones
16.) Pearl Jam
15.) Pink Floyd
14.) The Strokes
13.) Cake
12.) The Clash
11.) The White Stripes
10.) Fiona Apple
9.) Spoon
8.) Jimi Hendrix
7.) Beastie Boys
6.) Nirvana
5.) Led Zeppelin
4.) David Bowie
3.) Beck
2.) Radiohead
1.) The Beatles
Movies
40.) Silver Linings Playbook
39.) The Wrestler
38.) Stand by Me
37.) Aliens
36.) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
35.) Superbad
34.) Borat
33.) Scent of a Woman
32.) Austin Powers
31.) The Sixth Sense
30.) Terminator 2
29.) Office Space
28.) The Dark Knight
27.) The Prestige
26.) Once Upon a Time in Hollywood
25.) Best in Show
24.) This Is Spinal Tap
23.) Night of the Hunter
22.) Shaun of the Dead
21.) Dumb and Dumber
20.) Naked Gun
19.) No Country for Old Men
18.) Die Hard
17.) Toy Story
16.) The Empire Strikes Back
15.) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
14.) Fargo
13.) Kill Bill
12.) The Truman Show
11.) The Shining
10.) Napoleon Dynamite
9.) The Shawshank Redemption
8.) Jaws
7.) Alien
6.) Pulp Fiction
5.) Goodfellas
4.) The Royal Tenenbaums
3.) The Big Lebowski
2.) The Godfather
1.) The Godfather part 2
Books
40.) Dream Team: Michael, Magic, Larry...- Jack McCallum
39.) The Universe in a Nutshell- Stephen Hawking
38.) When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?- George Carlin
37.) The Road- Cormac McCarthy
36.) Life- Keith Richards
35.) The Sirens of Titan- Kurt Vonnegut
34.) Siddhartha- Herman Hesse
33.) Black Dogs- Ian McEwan
32.) Eating the Dinosaur- Chuck Klosterman
31.) The Hunger Games- Suzanna Collins
30.) Of Mice and Men- John Steinbeck
29.) Catch 22- Joseph Heller
28.) Cat’s Cradle- KV
27.) Moneyball- Michael Lewis
26.) Me Talk Pretty One Day- David Sedaris
25.) The Godfather- Mario Puzo
24.) One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest- Ken Kesey
23.) Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail ‘72- Hunter S Thompson
22.) A Song of Ice and Fire: Game of Thrones- George RR Martin
21.) Based on a True Story- Norm MacDonald
20.) Animal Farm- George Orwell
19.) In Cold Blood- Truman Capote
18.) Winesburg, Ohio- Sherwood Anderson
17.) The Martian- Adam Weir
16.) Life of Pi- Yann Martel
15.) The Green Mile- Stephen King
14.) To Kill a Mockingbird- Harper Lee
13.) Lamb, the Gospel According to Biff- Christopher Moore
12.) The Giver- Lois Lowry
11.) The Catcher in the Rye- JDS
10.) Omnibus- Roald Dahl
9.) Cathedral- Raymond Carver
8.) Different Seasons- Stephen King
7.) Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs- Chuck Klosterman
6.) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas- Hunter S Thompson
5.) Nine Stories- JD Salinger
4.) The Great Gatspy- F Scott Fitzgerald
3.) Slaughterhouse 5- KV
2.) Mother Night- Kurt Vonnegut
1.) East of Eden- John Steinbeck
Video Games
40.) Castlevania- Nintendo
39.) NBA Live '95- Super Nintendo
38.) Perfect Dark- Nintendo 64
37.) X-Men Legends II: Rise of Apocalypse- Playstation 2
36.) Return of the Jedi- SNES
35.) Super Smash Bros- N64
34.) Overwatch- Playstation 4
33.) TMNT Arcade Game- Nintendo
32.) Castlevania IV- SNES
31.) Earthbound- SNES
30.) Super Metroid- SNES
29.) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time- SNES
28.) Legend of Zelda- NES
27.) Castlevania: Symphony of the Night- Playstation
26.) Silent Hill- PS1
25.) Super Punchout- SNES
24.) Street Fighter II Turbo- SNES
23.) Metal Gear Solid: Sons of Liberty- PS2
22.) Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time- N64
21.) Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past- SNES
20.) Resident Evil- PS1
19.) Grand Theft Auto: Vice City- PS2
18.) Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest- SNES
17.) Starfox 64- N64
16.) Goldeneye 007- N64
15.) Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3- PS2
14.) Super Mario All Stars- SNES
13.) Madden ‘10- PS2
12.) Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball- SNES
11.) X-Men 2: The Clone Wars- Sega
10.) Resident Evil 2- PS1
9.) Super Mario World- SNES
8.) Mariokart 64- N64
7.) Zombies Ate My Neighbors- SNES
6.) WWF No Mercy- N64
5.) NBA Jam- SNES
4.) Donkey Kong Country- SNES
3.) Super Mario 64- N64
2.) Tecmo Super Bowl-NES
1.) Resident Evil 4- PS2/ Gamecube
*Homer says that on The Simpsons.