vs.
Spice Girls "(If You) Wannabe (My Lover)"
Desire is a powerful force that men and women express in contrasting ways. The differences can be confusing, sometimes maddening, but relief of the confusion is out there, in the soundwaves, for instance. Singles from 1979 and 1996 have already taught us about as much as we’re ever going to know. In a triumph of funk over disco, Prince once pronounced “I Wanna be Your Lover,” and later the Spice Girls exploded into shopping malls and pop culture with “If You Wannabe My Lover” (which we'll call “Wannabe” from now on, since that is its proper title, although I did nail the chorus). These two hits speak volumes about the courting process from masculine and feminine points of view, and it's no coincidence that even the names of the artists imply gender.
The dual nature of pursuit and protection is exemplified by these songs. Prince strives to overcome the gauntlet the Spice Girls have laid down. It’s a contest of desire and defense, volition vs. vetting. If all goes well enough, ultimately both sides crave a win-win, but only one wants an easy victory. What’s inside women is the boss and the countless applicants might as well be a horde of semen squirming for a hero’s welcome inside that glorious egg.
“I Wanna be Your Lover” begins with some irresistible funk strumming before Prince declares: “I ain't got no money.” Where opening lines are concerned, he's off to a shaky start, but at least he's honest. Give Prince a chance to elaborate. You won't regret it.
It may be hard to imagine a man who has sold over a hundred million records being broke, but the earliest work of Prince Rogers Nelson barely charted. (In his first contract with Warner Bros., he sacrificed pay in favor of creative control and also ran up an exorbitant bill as a perfectionist in the studio, which likewise cost him money for a so-so debut.) “Lover” was therefore written at a time when his financial future was in question, years before Purple Rain ensured he'd always have enough cash to pay for flowers and dinner at a nice restaurant (or else a fucking roller coaster).
“I didn’t want to pressure you baby,” he claims. “But all I ever wanted to do…”
“I wanna be your lover
This hook is an essential part of Prince’s guide to getting lovers: He puts the emphasis on his singularity. He boasts an exclusive appeal. With determination to match that of the winning sperm swimmer, he’s obsessed with claiming success so pure he refuses to share it.
Like a lot of pop sensations, the Spice Girls were assembled by talent managers in search of both the next big thing and a shitload of money. Once the proper Spice Girls were found, popularity and wealth ensued. After they prevailed over hundreds of competitors in a series of auditions, Melanie Brown, Melanie Chrisholm, Victoria Beckham nee Adams, Emma Bunton, and Geri Haliwell became the quintet of Scary, Sporty, Posh, Baby, and the one who must have caused an uproar at the Legion of Redheads: Ginger. Sure, the Spice Girls acted like luscious and peppy cheerleaders, but in truth, they also had something in common with an elite starting-five in basketball: they were assembled, coached, and managed into a winning combination.
The Spice Girls have sold over 80 million albums, the most ever by a female group. Their debut album Spice accounted for 30 million of those sales, and “Wannabe” was the lead single, the first and mightiest of their hits. Their formal introduction to the world’s airwaves was a gargantuan wallop of pop infectiousness:
It’s a spirited pep rally chant that builds intrigue until the revelation “zigazig-ah,” which means… nothing. Before I looked up the word, I thought maybe “zigazig-ah” was esoteric British slang for sex, like “shagging.” That’s not the case. The Spice Girls coined “zigazig-ah” without ever defining it. No matter, in ’96, we were all either hooked or at the mercy of the DJ at the school dance in spite of the gibberish.
Any man who claims it’s impossible to discover what women truly want might cite “Wannabe” as proof, but we shouldn’t give up so easily. They don’t respect that.
“If you want my future, forget my past,” Sporty demands. Baby wastes no time delivering a rhyme: “If you wanna get with me, better make it fast.” Scary and Ginger continue the teamwork approach. “Now don’t go wasting my precious time.” A smooth pass to the buxom redhead, who coos, “Get your act together, we could be just fine.”
That’s cold, Spice Girls. I retract nothing, but it’s still cold.
There's
a trite expression about women that goes, “Can't live with them, can't live
without them,” and the opposite has probably been said of men, but either way
it's a futile complaint. We give in to bodily pleasure and companionship roughly 98.9%
of the time, and when it comes to owning that desire, fools like me could
use a few words of advice.
Desire is a powerful force that men and women express in contrasting ways. The differences can be confusing, sometimes maddening, but relief of the confusion is out there, in the soundwaves, for instance. Singles from 1979 and 1996 have already taught us about as much as we’re ever going to know. In a triumph of funk over disco, Prince once pronounced “I Wanna be Your Lover,” and later the Spice Girls exploded into shopping malls and pop culture with “If You Wannabe My Lover” (which we'll call “Wannabe” from now on, since that is its proper title, although I did nail the chorus). These two hits speak volumes about the courting process from masculine and feminine points of view, and it's no coincidence that even the names of the artists imply gender.
The dual nature of pursuit and protection is exemplified by these songs. Prince strives to overcome the gauntlet the Spice Girls have laid down. It’s a contest of desire and defense, volition vs. vetting. If all goes well enough, ultimately both sides crave a win-win, but only one wants an easy victory. What’s inside women is the boss and the countless applicants might as well be a horde of semen squirming for a hero’s welcome inside that glorious egg.
Starting with the male perspective,
let’s break down the dueling wannabes by putting Prince and the Spice Girls under
the microscope in the heat of mating season.
“I Wanna be Your Lover” begins with some irresistible funk strumming before Prince declares: “I ain't got no money.” Where opening lines are concerned, he's off to a shaky start, but at least he's honest. Give Prince a chance to elaborate. You won't regret it.
It may be hard to imagine a man who has sold over a hundred million records being broke, but the earliest work of Prince Rogers Nelson barely charted. (In his first contract with Warner Bros., he sacrificed pay in favor of creative control and also ran up an exorbitant bill as a perfectionist in the studio, which likewise cost him money for a so-so debut.) “Lover” was therefore written at a time when his financial future was in question, years before Purple Rain ensured he'd always have enough cash to pay for flowers and dinner at a nice restaurant (or else a fucking roller coaster).
The artist formerly known as The
Artist Formerly Known as Prince has more declarations: “I ain't like those
other guys you hang around.” He seems pretty declarative. Assertive, even.
“And it's kinda funny,” he continues.
“But they always seem to let you down.” Most men are disappointments. Ha!
Not this alley cat, though, and even if his sense of humor has some quirks, he
gets “discouraged” 'cause he never sees you anymore. He just wants to look into
your eyes and listen when he asks how your day went. “And I need your love,
babe.” In addition to the listening thing, if you eventually feel like touching
his penis, that'd be great. “That's all I'm living for,” Prince confides. He's
an emotional risk, and a passionate one at that.
“I didn’t want to pressure you baby,” he claims. “But all I ever wanted to do…”
Then comes the chorus, which has
compelled so much intercourse that the Census Bureau now recognizes it as a key
factor in population growth.
“I wanna be your lover
I wanna be the only one that makes you
come running
I wanna be your lover
I wanna turn you on, turn you out, all
night long,
Make you shout, ‘Oh Lover!’
Make you shout, ‘Oh Lover!’
I wanna be the only one you come for.”
This hook is an essential part of Prince’s guide to getting lovers: He puts the emphasis on his singularity. He boasts an exclusive appeal. With determination to match that of the winning sperm swimmer, he’s obsessed with claiming success so pure he refuses to share it.
The second verse finds Prince aspiring
to be 1.) a brother, 2.) a mother, and 3.) a sister to his romantic interest. His
eccentricities resurface and his feminine side becomes apparent. He’s not a
man’s man. He’s a ladies’ man who can capture that rare dynamic of confidence
and vulnerability.
“There ain’t no other that can do the
things that I’ll do to you,” he reiterates. “And I get discouraged ‘cause you
treat me just like a child.” Here Prince triggers the mothering instinct, in
case there was any doubt about him covering all his bases.
“And they say I’m so shy,” he admits
near the end of the verse. “But with you I just go wild.” The Purple Rain Man
makes his sweetheart feel special; she has an enchanting effect on his sense of
self and his sex drive.
Men can learn a lot from “I Wanna be Your
Lover.” No one is obligated to enjoy Prince’s music, but anyone with an
appreciation for the female form can at least Google his ex-girlfriends. Short,
kooky, Chihuahua-like men are not supposed to bed the likes of Kim Basinger and
Carmen Electra… not until they’re able to write a song like this to take down throngs
of panties.
On the Spice Girls’ end of the
spectrum, I think it’s fair to say that what “Wannabe” lacked in artistry it
made up for in mass appeal. In 1996, the ubiquitous slogan “Girl Power” became
both a marketing machine and a vanilla nod to progress. Though many Spice fanatics had recently passed
through an Elmo phase, the single is embedded in pop-culture history. I expect
to see women flood the dancefloor for “Wannabe” at every wedding reception I go
to, and that’s a beautiful, nostalgic thing to behold (once or twice a year, tops).
Like a lot of pop sensations, the Spice Girls were assembled by talent managers in search of both the next big thing and a shitload of money. Once the proper Spice Girls were found, popularity and wealth ensued. After they prevailed over hundreds of competitors in a series of auditions, Melanie Brown, Melanie Chrisholm, Victoria Beckham nee Adams, Emma Bunton, and Geri Haliwell became the quintet of Scary, Sporty, Posh, Baby, and the one who must have caused an uproar at the Legion of Redheads: Ginger. Sure, the Spice Girls acted like luscious and peppy cheerleaders, but in truth, they also had something in common with an elite starting-five in basketball: they were assembled, coached, and managed into a winning combination.
The Spice Girls have sold over 80 million albums, the most ever by a female group. Their debut album Spice accounted for 30 million of those sales, and “Wannabe” was the lead single, the first and mightiest of their hits. Their formal introduction to the world’s airwaves was a gargantuan wallop of pop infectiousness:
“Yo,
I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want
So
tell me what you want, what you really really want
I’ll
tell you what I want, what I really really want
So
tell me what you want, what you really really want
I
wanna (huh), I wanna (huh), I wanna (huh), I wanna (huh)
I
wanna really really wanna zigazig-ah!”
It’s a spirited pep rally chant that builds intrigue until the revelation “zigazig-ah,” which means… nothing. Before I looked up the word, I thought maybe “zigazig-ah” was esoteric British slang for sex, like “shagging.” That’s not the case. The Spice Girls coined “zigazig-ah” without ever defining it. No matter, in ’96, we were all either hooked or at the mercy of the DJ at the school dance in spite of the gibberish.
Any man who claims it’s impossible to discover what women truly want might cite “Wannabe” as proof, but we shouldn’t give up so easily. They don’t respect that.
“If you want my future, forget my past,” Sporty demands. Baby wastes no time delivering a rhyme: “If you wanna get with me, better make it fast.” Scary and Ginger continue the teamwork approach. “Now don’t go wasting my precious time.” A smooth pass to the buxom redhead, who coos, “Get your act together, we could be just fine.”
Now
the contrast becomes clear. Whereas Prince had to list his qualifications, the
Spice Girls set the qualifications—and
there are more to come.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,” the British Beauties command. “Make it last forever/ Friendship never ends.”
Let’s consider these expectations. Not only is the vaginal applicant being challenged to woo one woman, he’s told he must also gain the approval of her closest confidants. In the case of the Spice Girls, this entails winning over a whole quintet in pursuit of one, and similar to a jury, it seems the vote has to be unanimous, which greatly reduces a man’s chances. He might feel the magnetism of Scary’s moxie and sweet pokey nips, but if he can’t shine in a half-hour chat with Sporty about badminton (in addition to three other challenges), forget about it.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,” the British Beauties command. “Make it last forever/ Friendship never ends.”
Let’s consider these expectations. Not only is the vaginal applicant being challenged to woo one woman, he’s told he must also gain the approval of her closest confidants. In the case of the Spice Girls, this entails winning over a whole quintet in pursuit of one, and similar to a jury, it seems the vote has to be unanimous, which greatly reduces a man’s chances. He might feel the magnetism of Scary’s moxie and sweet pokey nips, but if he can’t shine in a half-hour chat with Sporty about badminton (in addition to three other challenges), forget about it.
Here
are some of the other requirements for dating a Spice Girl:
1) “You have got to give.”
2) Prove you’re for real and capable
of handling her love.
3) Listen carefully.
4) Memorize the names of her
friends. (Degree of difficulty if inside a noisy bar: 10.)
This
latest proviso emerges as the ladies begin to namecheck each other, including Posh/
Victoria, which leads to what has got to be considered the group’s best
innuendo: “Easy V doesn’t come for free. She’s a real lady.”
A
vagina pun?! Oh my God I’m in love. And it’s a vagina pun that conveys words of
wisdom suitable for both kids and adults. Wow. Cheeky Girls. Marry me. All five
of you. I want to wake up every morning on a huge bed with my head at the
center of a star made of spread Spicy legs and V’s.
Anyway.
The ladies have devised a daunting obstacle course for Prince and his kind, and
it’s all predicated on the following condition: “If you really bug me, then
I’ll say goodbye.”
That’s cold, Spice Girls. I retract nothing, but it’s still cold.
Hope
remains for seducing Spice Girls and their ilk, but the most encouraging lyric
they have to offer might as well have been sung with a shrug: “I’ll give you a
try.” But with this window of opportunity finally cracked open, the frenzied females gush their most adult material: “If you
wanna be my lover, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta slam
slam slam slam slam your body down and wind it all around.”
OK,
if “zigazig-ha” turned out to be false hope for dirty minds, surely the same
cannot be said when cheeky birds repeat both “you gotta” and “slam” a total of five times, in reference to bodies,
which are winding all around. I’ll be devastated if I learn they were only
referring to breakdancing.
But
if that’s what they want, a breakdancer I shall become. Dammit, I’ll get into
shitty dub step and shatter some vertebrae if that’s what it takes to get a
little sympathy. That’s how bad I still want to see Posh and Scary naked.
In
summation, both “Lover” songs are keen to the relationship between supplicants
and rewarders. That was the essence of Girl Power, which Prince understood long
before it became a ploy for merchandise. In his music at least, he wasn’t
threatened by the movement. Remember, in a claim that was as effeminate as it
was ballsy, he claimed he wanted to be “your mother and your sister too.”
That’s
the main reason he won more mad-dashes to the egg than he lost. Like the sperm
who won first place, he embraced it: Girl Power.
